Goldmind's Unwind

2009-04-13T16:50:00.000-07:00

PEPE'S PET WORLD
USED AND IRREGULAR PETS
AT DISCOUNT BUDGET PRICES
Pets Half Off with Dismembership
Were Letting All of Our Pets Go Cheap

•DEALS•DEALS•DEALS•ON•SALE•NOW•DEALS•DEALS•DEALS•

!!!BULK CATS!!!
All sizes, breeds and colors, sold by the pound. Guaranteed no more than 50% tabbies, 15¢ per pound, buy 400 pounds or more get a free scratchy toy.
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CARRIER PIGEONS
Carry ‘em in your pocket, in your purse, or in the glove box. only $5.95 each

–≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈– –≈≈(ˇ◊ˇ)≈≈–

Feeder Mice—Fresh or Frozen $2.99 per lb.
Great eating for snakes, iguanas, cats, kids love ‘em too. available whole or mashed.
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Hissing Madagascar Cockroaches!
Friendly, Housebroken, Great Cuddly Countertop Companions, $10.00 each

(>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')> (>'.')>

POPPIN’ PETS—Edible Pettables you love and eat!
• Krunchy Korean Style Kitties!
• Puppy Puffs!
• Hamsterburgers!
• Popcorn Gerbils!
• Tropical Fish Fillets!
• Turtle Tots!
• Finger Finches!
• Snackin’ Snakes!
• Toaster Geckos!
• Mice Milk (Original or reduced pulp)
• Try Our Fresh Squeezed Dog Milk & Cat Milk
• Also Dog Butter delivered daily from Doggy Dairy Farms
Try our new Breakfast Pets:
• Honey Bunches of Rats
• Mutt ‘n Honey Cereal the barking part of a complete breakfast!
Love ‘em and Scarf ‘em! See menu for prices.

{°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°} {°o°}

De-Euthanized Puppy & Dog Sale!
Revived from the SPCA dumpster, in cosmetically perfect condition, many with little or no brain damage, Guaranteed dead no more than five minutes, we zap ‘em back to life, they never know the difference and neither will you. Very few returns. Make perfect lap dogs, safe for small children, Great for no-bite watch dogs, Easy to train for some tricks such as: sit, play dead, or stay. HUGE SAVINGS! de-euthanized pets are great for short term pet lovers, easily put down with a sudden scare. No pacemaker fakes. Real living pets for a fraction of the cost!
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SHAVED CATS!
Mange, Fleas or Burrs—For whatever reason these perfectly good cats had to be shaved so we’re selling them as low as $2.00 ea. Ugly but cuddly, we shave ‘em and ship ‘em.
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LEGLESS DOGS/CATS!!!
Wont runaway or scratch the furniture. Free skate board included.

≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤ ≥{+_+}≤

DEAD FISH!
Specially weighted to not float at the top of the tank. Save on fish food, just hitch them up to living fish with invisible line (included) and they look alive! Daisy chain them in schools. Preserved for long “life” and durability. Kids can take them out and play with them for extended periods, then toss ‘em back!

><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o> ><((((o>

Re-FUR-bished Pets!
• Re-Barked Dogs
• Re-Clawed Cats
• Deminiaturized Dobermans
• Unfolded Scottish Folds
• Cropped Ear and Tail Transplants
• Unspayed & Un-Neutered Breeders of all species.

`˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´ `˘-˘´

BLIND DOGS!
Be a seeing-eye person and own one of these adorable sight-free pets. Just as lovable as sighted pets but they can stay in the room during those “intimate moments” without the awkwardness of a pet watching, tilting his head, licking his chops, begging, or other embarrassing reactions to your ‘private activities’. Perfect for dating singles with fast turnaround because they won’t recognize recent exes and blow your cover. Pre-blinded or pick one of our regular dogs and we’ll blind it while you wait. Some even read braille! (also available: Hearing impaired “Dumb” dogs and olfactory impaired “Non-sniffers”

() () RABBITS! RABBITS! RABBITS!
( '.' ) Buy 2 get 100 FREE (allow 4 weeks for delivery)
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PRODUCT TESTERS!!!
• Come down and sift through our huge bin of discarded animals that have been harmed in the making of cosmetics, pharmaceuticals, and food additives.
• Pick through the unsalvageables and find many cuddly adorable pets with only minor rashes or internal organ damage. Some may even be completely unharmed!
• Fun for the kids while you shop. You never know what you’ll find. All unsorted: we don’t check ‘em, we just collect ‘em from labs and toss ‘em in the bin.
• No returns, refunds or repairs on testers please. All sales are final, sold-by-weight “as is.”

PEPE'S PET WORLD...Where we don't feel pain the way they do!

by numbsain

CAINT HAZ CHEESEBURGERZ!

2009-03-28T02:20:00.000-07:00

by numbsain

2009-03-02T01:46:00.000-08:00

MOVIE QUOTES QUIZ PART 2
by numbsain

It’s time to clear the cobwebs out of the old gray matter and see if you can shake anything loose from your tired old memory banks. Goldmind's Unwind is going to make you think today but its for your own good. You’ll be given a pop quiz later.

Haley Joel Osment (Sixth Sense) said:
1. I smell dead people.
2. I find dead people very sexy.
3. I see growth opportunities in the consumer electronics market.
4. I see dead people.

Porky Pig (Looney Tunes) said:
1. Abadee-abadee-abadee that’s all folks.
2. Homina-homina-homina I’m outta here.
3. Uh-h-h, duh, uh-duh-h-h-buh huh-uh...
4. Um, um, um, wait, no, er, um, there was something else I wanted to say...I think.

Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes) said:
1. Where’s Waldo?
2. Wussup Foo’?
3. What’s goin’ down, nurse?
4. What’s up, doc?

Roger Moor (James Bond) said:
1. Shaken, not stirred
2. Shake ‘N Bake! And I helped!
3. Pureéd not Frapped.
4. Agitated, not gyrated

Wesley Snipes (White Men Can’t Jump) said:
1. You’re darn tootin’!
2. You ain’t just diddlin’ Trixie!
3. You’re damned skimpy with the cheese! Put some cheese on that bad boy!
4. You’re damn skippy!

Tom Hanks (Forrest Gump) said:
1. My mama always said, “Life is like a bucket of fresh squeezed chickens milk.” I have no idea why my mama said that.
2. My mama always said, 'Life was like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get.'
3. My cousin always said, “Have you ever had an root beer enema?”
4. My mama is so stupid, her son was born a retard.

The Hal 9000 computer (2001: A Space Odyssey) said:
1. Dave, I just love that shirt on you! is it Com de Garcon?
2. Dave, I’ve been watching you and I think you’re one sexy spaceman!
3. Dave, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.
4. Dave, does this memory card make my ass look fat?

Arnold Schwarzenegger (in The Terminator) said:
1. Dos tacos al pastor y horchata por favor.
2. Hasta la vista, baby.
3. Yo quiero taco bell, pinche putto.
4. See you real soon, pumpkin.

Oliver Hardy (in Laurel and Hardy)said:
1. Well, here’s another nice mess you’ve made. Clean it up!
2. Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!
3. Well, here’s another milkbone biscuit, go chew on it!
4. Well, here’s another nice dress I can no longer fit into!

Colin Clive (as Dr. Henry Frankenstein) said:
1. It’s Live! From Madison Square Garden!
2. The Hills Are A-live With the Sound of Mu-sic...
3. Is it still alive? Ew! Kill it, squish it, Igor!...Did you get it? It’s on ME NOW! EEEEEEK! GET IT OFFA ME! Yechh! I hate kittens!
4. It’s alive! ALIVE!

Dustin Hoffman (in The Graduate) said:
1. Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me. Aren't you?
2. Mrs. Robinson, could you let go of my penis? You’re going to break it.
3. Mrs. Robinson, weren’t you around when, like, Jesus roamed the Earth?
4. Mrs. Butterworth, You’re trying to grease me up and take me home. Aren’t you?

Roy Scheider (in Jaws) said:
1. You're gonna need a bigger boat.
2. You gonna eat that chicken? Do you mind if I do?
3. You’re gonna need to speak up, I’ve got meat in my ears.
4. You’re gonna need to milk that goat.

Robert Duvall (in Apocalypse Now) said:
1. I love the smell of pee-pee in the morning
2. I love the smell of daffodils in spring.
3. I love the smell of napalm in the morning.
4. I love the smell of Folgers in the morning.

Harrison Ford (in Star Wars) said:
1. May I force it in you?
2. May the crabs of a thousand hookers infest your undershorts.
3. May the force be with you.
4. May your dreams be merry and bright... and may all your testicles be white.

Claude Rains (in Casablanca) said:
 1. Round up the usual suspects. 
2. Go gather all the nuts and berries you can find and put them all in a nice little gift basket then throw in a dead squirrel and send it to me ex-wife. DO IT NOW!
3. Round off the edges a little and put it in the baby’s playpen.
4. Get some guys off the street, tie their dicks together and drive an ice cream truck past them. Oh they’ll cooperate all right.

Lauren Bacall (in Casablanca) said:
1. Louie, I think you should just lay low before somebody breaks wind of this.
2. Louis, I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
3. Louis, I think this is the part where you boink me.
4. Froot Loops is the fun part of this complete breakfast.

Tracy Lords (in any porn she was in) said:
1. Ooo-o-oh, oh, oh, (slurp) OOOH! Mmm-m-mm...
2. Ooo-o-oh, oh, oh, (slurp-GULP!!!…Ka-BH-A-AAAARFFF! kak) You fuckin’ PIG! I told you: NOT IN MY MOUTH!
3. Ha ha-ha-ha-ho-ho-hee-hee-hoo-hoo! Aha-ha-ha!
4. OW! Dammit, not in the butt you retard.

Judy Garland (in Wizard of Oz) said:
1. There’s no place that serves booze at this time of night.
2. There’s no place to put your drink? Forget it, I didn’t want to see this movie anyway.
3. There’s no booze at home.
4. There’s no place like home.

Bette Davis (in All About Eve) said:
1. Fasten your seat-belts, I’ve had a lot to drink.
2. Tighten my girdle, I’m looking bumpy tonight.
3. Fasten your seat-belts, it's going to be a bumpy night.
4. Fasten your seat-belts and put your tray in the upright position. In the unlikely event of a water landing your seat cushion may be used as a floatation device...

An actor (in King Kong) said:
1. Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was trans-fat that killed the beast.
2. Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was beauty that killed the beast.
3. Oh no, it wasn’t the airplanes, it was bad special effects that killed the beast.
4. Oh no, it wasn’t those airplanes, it was the one that was obstructing his colon.

Humphrey Bogart (in Casablanca) said: 
1. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she’s gotta pick one with  karaoke...SHUT THE HELL UP YA BUM! YOU CALL THAT SINGIN’? 
2. Of all the sock drawers in all the dressers in all the rooms, she’s digging through mine. C’mon ma, get the hell outta there! Oh great, she found my pot.
 3. Of all the butt holes of all the guys in the whole prison, he thinks mine is the prettiest. 
4. Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she walks into mine.

James Cagney (in White Heat) said:
1. Ma, I made it! Oh shit! Now there’s no toilet paper! Maaaaa!...
2. Ma, I made it at school…It’s a beautiful necklace for you…out of macaroni.
3. Ma, I made it…Top of the world!
4. Ma, I made it…Yes I used a condom!

Bonus Pop Quiz
As promised, you get to test your knowledge of carbonated beverages.

Which soft drink precedes their name with the word “Yahoo” in their slogan?
a. Elvis Goo
b. Yoo-hoo
c. Mountain Dew
d. Wally’s Pig Swill-ade

What was the illegal drug that was included in the original CocaCola recipe?
a. Heroin
b. Crack
c. Lysergic Acid Diethylamide
d. Cocaine

When Ray Charles say’s “You got the right one baby,” to what is he referring?
a. One of his testicles
b. The smaller of the two bags of heroin
c. Pepsi Cola
d. The hotel room door on which Paris Hilton has just knocked

What popular soda brand name includes a number and a direction?
a. 5-south
b. 7-up
c. 66-west
d. 4-Go down the hall, make a left, it’s your first door on the right, you can’t miss it.

What is the name of the soda that contains negative subliminal messages?
 a. Joe Killyan’s Root Beer (containing the words “Kill ya”) 
b. Diet Coke (containing the words (Die ok) 
c. Jify Oudie Whocarester Ginger Ale (containing the words “if yOu die Who cares”) 
d. Orange Rush (contains the word “anger”)

What soft drink offers twice the caffeine of Coke?
a. Jumpy’s Coffee Soda
b. Schwing-a-Ling
c. Jitter Juice
d. Jolt Cola

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Mr. Pepper
b. Uncle Pepper
c. Señor Pepper Gonzalez
d. Dr. Pepper

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Sierra Swill
b. Sierra Cola
c. Sierra Mist
d. Sierra Madre

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Splat
b. Splooge
c. Whizz
d. Squirt

Which of the following is the correct soda brand name?
a. Mother-In-Law’s Root Beer
b. Step Sis’s Root Beer
c. Second Cousin Twice Removed’s Root Beer
d. Dad’s Root Beer

Movie Quotes Quiz Answers: 4,1,4,1,4,2,3,2,2,4,1,1,3,3,1,2,1,4,3,2,4,3
Pop Quiz Answers: c,d,c,b,b,d,d,c,d

By numbsain…better learning through cheating.

2009-01-30T09:49:00.000-08:00

STOLEN LETTERS
From the United States Postal Service

We have a tradition at Goldmind's Unwind where every milennium we steal a random letter from the post office and post it on the blog. You'd be amazed at how stupid some of these letters are. Here's this millenniums pick.
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Hi Naomi!
It’s been so long! I thought I'd update you! On everything new! and exciting! in my life! Well, spring is here again! And I'm knee deep in love! Their names are Louie! and Rickie!! They're conjoined twins!!! And they're connected at the back!!!! Wow!!!•\ ¡/*—·_.··. . . . ... (Shit@ I just broke my exclamation mark key) Anyway, I think they might really be the two% They're quite affluent but I love them for who they are$ (Look, just assume I'm really excited). They're so attentive and one of them is always emotionally available. I know it’s real because when I put my arms around one of them I feel a connection.

They do have their differences, Louie is a morning person and goes jogging at 6 am but Rickie likes to sleep in so I got louie a treadmill and turned it on its side. We're always together and all that attention is a bit much but at least they have their shit together so I get a little time to myself. It's tough for them being conjoined at the back but God was good to them and they're both oriented the same way. We’re taking ballroom dance classes every Wednesday. It’s not easy when your partner has two left feet. But they have two right feet too so I know they’re stable.

I'd draw you a picture but every time I do I feel I'm being disrespectful. I think it's my cartoony drawing style. The only big problem is the separation thing. You see, they felt they had to get in touch with their own kind so they moved to Siam. I may move there too. Partly to be with them, and also because I like being in different, unfamiliar surroundings and in Siam, I am.

Other good news I'm pregnant (damn, I sure could have used that exclamation mark key right there) with ideas for my new business. One is to open a Mexican fish market where everyone is Mexican and it really smells fishy inside and we'll have the little eyes on all the fish, (I'll have to find out where you get those) and everyone speaks Mexican so it really has that ethnic feeling to it. It’ll be called “Marisco’s Mexican Fish” Won't that be cute?

I'm also thinking of an internet cafe where people can log on and drink virtual coffee and have E-scones and E-clairs. Anyway I'm off to my LOL therapy session. The therapist is a recovering stand up comedian who was so dead pan that he hit bottom and then he developed LOL (I wasn’t laughing because he developed, I was saying he developed LOL…Like LOL is what he developed). It’s based on the old saying, “laughter is the best medicine.” Now he helps others with LOL therapy. It’s fun; we do a lot of lolling around and if we’re good we get lollypops but I want to go while there’s a loll in traffic.

Write soon, and any other words you can think of, Love Mom

—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—•—

Isn't that the stupidest letter you've ever read? Thanks for visiting and come back again real soon y'hear? Y'hear? ARE YOU STILL HERE?

2009-01-26T05:59:00.000-08:00

Hilda & Tilda

Hilda: I’m a big fat liar.
Tilda: Why do you lie.
Hilda: I don’t.
Tilda: You just said you were a liar.
Hilda: I lied.
Tilda: So then you admit it.
Hilda: Admit what?
Tilda: That you’re a liar.
Hilda: No I don’t.
Tilda: Then why did you say you do.
Hilda: Do what?
Tilda: Lie.
Hilda: Okay, I’m a liar.
Tilda: There you see, you admitted you're a liar.
Hilda: You told me to lie.
Tilda: When?
Hilda: Five lines back. you said, “Lie.” So I did.
Tilda: What did you lie about?
Hilda: I lied about being a liar.
Tilda: So then you’re not a liar?
Hilda: Yes.
Tilda: Yes what?
Hilda: Yes I’m not a liar, I agreed with you.
Tilda: About what?
Hilda: About me not being a liar.
Tilda: Are you sure?
Hilda: Sure I’m sure.
Tilda: You’re not lying are you?
Hilda: No, I’m not lying.
Tilda: Prove it.
Hilda: I’m a liar.
Tilda: What?
Hilda: You said, “prove it.” So I told the truth.
Tilda: The truth?
Hilda: Yes I did not lie, the truth is that I’m a liar.
Tilda: How does that prove anything.
Hilda: If I was a liar, do you think I would admit it?
Tilda: No.
Hilda: Then I proved that I’m not a liar because I admitted I lied.
Tilda: Oh. Then I guess I can trust you.
Hilda: With what?
Tilda: Well I have to ask you a question and I want an honest answer from someone who doesn’t lie. Since you proved you’re not a liar, I can trust you to tell me the truth.
Hilda: Yup. Go ahead, ask me anything.
Tilda: Does my ass make my ass look fat?
Hilda: A little maybe.
Tilda: Hilda! When somebody asks you a question like that you're not supposed to tell the truth!

By numbsain…The truth will set your can of worms free.

2009-01-24T06:52:00.000-08:00

TORTURE

(Tee hee giggle)
Hi there handsome…
My name if Krissy and guess what?
(Tee hee) today's your lucky day!
I'm gonna let you see my boobies! Uh-huh.
You like boobies don't you? (giggle)
I thought so and mine are extra bi-i-i-g and special!
Ready?
Ahahaha There! How do you like these?
Huh? Pretty nice aren't they? Ah-ah-ah, don't touch!
Hands to yerself mister. You can look all you want but no touchies.
Oo-ooh-ooh Have you ever seen a set of boobies this big before?
Prob'ly not cause mine are the best! So round and firm…
and just look at how they bounce, (tee hee!) Wo-o-OW huh?
Ooh I just love it when guys look at them (tee hee) look, look how my pretty pink nipples got all hard and stick out so much. Oh I'm so embarrassed now everyone knows I'm horny. Oopsies! I guess I am kind of a dirty little whore sometimes.
Oh well I can't help it! (giggle hee hee)
Ooh! I just got an idea! you know what I'm gonna do now?
I just gotta take my pants off too! Ooh yah! (tee hee) here I go-o-oo!
Whoopsy daisy! Ha ha can you see my butt now? Oooh yah I bet you like it huh?
Ooh I like that you like it…Uh oh, now what did I tell you about hands?
That's a no no. But you can feast your eyes on all of me!
W-o-o-ow nice huh? Here, let me spread it for you so you can see E-e-everything!
Gosh I'm such a slut I just cant help myself! Ohh! Peekaboo Ha ha ha hee hee
Did you see what I did? I'm a naughty girl huh? Look I'll even show you my pretty pink shaved vagina! It's so tight and steamy in there!
Gosh I can't believe I'm just standing here totally naked letting you see every inch of me! All naked and jiggly! (Tee hee!)
Ooh look, look at my pussy cat. See how wet I am?
Ooh this feels Go-o-ood, Oh! Oh! faster faster! I'm sorry I can't help it! I…I… I think I'm gonna co…co…(gasp) Come! Oh yes I'm coming, I'm Coming! LOOK AT ME I'M COMING FOR YOU! OH! OH! NNNG! YES! YESSSS! Yeah! Ooh
oops! Look what I did. I gotta go! (Tee hee) bye bye!

Hey Ray who was that girl? Man, she was hot!…but why are you crying Mr. Charles?

2009-01-21T04:32:00.000-08:00

A TRIPPED TICK
Illustrated by Numbsain

Note: Thousands of innocent ticks were harmed in the making of this comic.

2009-01-19T01:31:00.000-08:00

The last minute 13 seconds in the life of a truck driver

2:35:12 pm

I'd been driving non-stop for 6 days with only brief naps on the straight stretches of highway. Whenever the road started to curve the rocks and gravel under my wheels always woke me up. But this time it was different. I only felt that rumble for a moment and then the road got real smooth again. The smoothest ever in fact. So smooth it lulled me into a deep sleep.

I had a dream that my rig could fly and I was making a delivery but I couldn’t remember where. I looked back and my flatbed was piled high with cherub parts, wings, heads, pudgy little arms and what not. They were strapped down with netting to keep them from rolling off the truck and littering the sky. For some reason I was happy to be making this delivery, although I have no idea what they wanted with all those pieces of cherubim.

I was tired but I had a sack full of giant bennies, y’know those little white crosses only these were about the size of frisbees and I was eatin’ ‘em like cookies. Just taking big bites out of 'em and then I’d get a burst of energy. Sure was a smooth ride; no potholes or rough pavement. Nothing like the road I was on before I fell asleep—a curvy treacherous mountain pass with a rock wall on one side, sheer cliff on the other side. Had to stay alert or I’d go flying right off the edge. How did I get on this smooth easy road? Oh yeah I fell asleep.

Wait a minute! I suddenly got a bad feeling and it woke me up out of the dream.
I looked out the windshield and just as I feared, the reason the road was so smooth was because I’d driven right off it. Over the cliff. Oh shit. I fucked up. And it was a tanker full of 60,000 gallons of jet fuel. Here I was with the road behind me flying through the air with an outdoor rock concert festival directly below me.

And the worst thing about it was that my wife and kids were at that concert. “Rock the Cliff” I think it was called. A bunch of popular bands were playing there and the kids really wanted to go so my wife took ‘em. I started to think about my wife and how much I loved her. About 3 times a week but it was never enough for me, I would have every night if she’d let me. Damn. How sad that I’ll never see her again. And my kids. I never really liked them very much, but still, I kinda got used to them and I guess they were kinda cute, if you like kids. Felt kinda bad for them cause they kinda worshipped me. Hmm! Aah, fuck ‘em. I was getting close to the festival at the bottom of the cliff, pretty much in an out-of-control free fall.

Wow there sure are a lot of people down there. They look like they’re scared of something. Why are they all fleeing with looks of horror on their faces. Oh of course! It’s me in my truck they’re trying to get away from. But they’re really moving slow. Hey look! There’s my wife! Honey! Hey honey, it’s me! What’s the matter honey, why do you look so scared? Oh yeah, me again. Sorry honey there’s really nothing I can do about this. It’s in gravity’s hands now! Gee she looks hot even when she’s scared shitless. God it’s too bad I can’t just do her one more time. There was that one time last summer in the cabin when we did it really good. I mean, it was probably the best sex anyone has ever had. We both remembered to take a shower and brush our teeth first. It lasted exactly 4 minutes, I came and I think she might have even come to and then we didn’t say a word to each other afterward and she went straight to the kitchen and made me a sandwich. Damn I love that women. That was a helluva good sandwich. Hmm, ah memories…Do I have time for a song? Nah probably not.

I wonder if I’ll survive the impact at least long enough to screw my wife once. Nah, I’m gonna land right on top of her looks like so she’ll get pretty messed up too. Shit, she can’t even get in the mood if she has a hangnail. Oh well. Oh there’s my kids. Hi guys! It’s me yer dad. I kinda fucked up and went off the road! Isn’t this a coincidence that I just happen to land right on top of you guys? These are my kids. This is Jamey and the little one's Keith. Hey there Keithy! Yeah I know. Sorry about the truck pressing down on your face. Kinda heavy huh? Yeah daddy’s sorry. Oh I don’t think he heard that; he’s pretty much flattened. Oh there goes my wife. My front tank hit her right in the eye. Ow! Sorry honey! My bad. Aah, she’s gone. Oh look Jamey's getting away…nope, the flames engulfed her.

Hey that’s weird, my skin is turning black and melting right off my bones! That is totally weird! Feels really strange, what is that? Oh it’s just really intense pain. Amazing! I never felt pain like that before. Wait what’s happening now? Everything went black. And now I think my brain is burning up cause I can’t…

2:36:25 pm

By numbsain …“numbsain—Why?”

Use of the words “cherubim” “frisbee” and “shitless” was made possible by a grant from the National Foundation for the Arts and Mr. & Mrs. Fred Brimball. All other words used were done so at the authors own risk.

No truck drivers were consulted to ensure accuracy of facts herein.
An acceptable number of animals were killed in the making of this story.

2009-01-01T07:35:00.000-08:00

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS
From “Paines Acres” Senile Living Community

Well, now that I'm gittin' up on into my twilight years it pert near just about seems pretty darn silly to make up a whole heap o' mess o' load o' demands and expectations and goals and commitments and…why did it get so dark in here?…Nurse?…I'm outta here… [brrap] …No I guess I'm still here. Just a little gas. Thought it was the ticker.
—Bucky Fartzmueller, 99

My News Week Resolution is to find a magic bean sprout and tie my penis around it so I can fly through barn doors without losing my green teeth. We built tunnels when the sales margin started to snow in the kittens stomach. Hot damn that’ll get the sergeant to quit making those tiny bugle noises with his butt cheeks while I’m trying to read the laxative box.
—Brebidiah Faulkner, 97

I intend to step up my workout regimen and get my ticker back in ship shape. I’ll increase my sit-ups to one a day, I’m benching 200 right now—gonna try to get that up to 250 acorns—keeping the weight light so I don’t bulk up too much, Then I’ll bump up my squats to three sets of one rep each. Then we’ll see who sploshes the bedpans.
—Andy Doohickey, 89

This year I’m going to lose the walker and take up jogging…in the nude. Maybe meet a babe in the park—have a fling in the bushes…or over her shoulder and take me home, heh-heh.
—Fred Castors, Deceased

I’m gonna resolve to find that doctor that did that prostate surgery on me while I was sleeping and have him reverse it. The damn thing hasn’t worked since and I used to be a major stud. I want my manhood back dammit!
—Earl Perkins, 92

Well, I don’t much cotton to resolutions. Nawp, can’t keep ‘em. Got that there Alzheimer’s syndrum. Don’t even try to do the shoppin’ any more, hoot I’ll come back with the trousers on backwards so I don’t have a…Got a maid service do all my books…don’t read many books anymore. Can’t retain ‘em always running round the yard getting into the feed bins, what’s the use y’know. I’ll tell ya…least I don’t have Alzheimer's
—Barney Fitzdresden, 91

Hoo boy I got some resolutions all right: first thing I need ta do is git me a pair a bowlin’ loafers and try to find my buddies from the league. I got their numbers here somewhere in my rolodex. Huh? Resolutions? Aw no that ain’t possible since I sprained my sciatica.
—Fillmore Weaselbody, 88

Is it New Years Time already? Well I suppose I have to make at least one. I think I should like to take up crocheting. That’s what I’m gonna do and the first thing I’ll crochet is a little lap dog. Oh it’ll be just the cutest little thing settin’ right here on my lap. I’ll crochet him out of that darn cat that’s always snoopin’ around here. That evil thing killed my first three babies. Just last week. Terrible crime. Makes my bowels move just to think on it.
—Estelle Glamencia, 99

You don’t have to tell me twice, I got one for ya. So a man walks into a bar with an alligator under his arm. Proceeds to climb up on the picnic table there and asks if anybody from the audience would let him put his pecker in their mouth. So this dizzy blond bimbo from the back o’ the plane says, “Ooh teacher, teacher, I’ll do it! Just don’t hit me in the head so hard. Hyah-hah-hah! Aha-hah-hyuk-hyuk! Don’t cha get it she says, …aw now did I…No I didn’t tell it right, DAMMIT! There goes the brain. Brains always the first to go.
—Rosco Miters, 86

I don’t make new years resolutions on account of I can’t remember ‘em. In Fact I can’t even remember what you just asked me did you say I needed to change my colostomy bag? I don’t ever do it on account of I can’t remember. What’s that smell?
—Fenester Cullpickett, 106

by numbsain…just a snatchgrab away from being a doddering old wrinkle vendor himself!

2008-12-26T05:10:00.000-08:00

More Jokes About Yo Mama

Not all mama's take these jokes well. The one on the left thinks they're funny but still tried to kill us by summoning the devil from her upper digestive tract. The one on the right liked them but we stuck something up her ass right before taking this picture.

Yo mama’s so stupid got stuck on an escalator for 3 hours.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to the gym and fell down the stairmaster.

Yo mama’s so stupid she applied for a job as a speed bump.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got fired from her job as a speed bump.

Yo mama’s so stupid when a bum asked for spare change she gave him the number for AAA.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ate a food stamp sandwich for lunch.

Yo mama’s so stupid she took the goldfish for walkies and drowned the dog.

Yo mama’s so stupid she ran on a treadmill and got lost.

Yo mama’s so fat she went to a restaurant and had the salad bar.

Yo mama’s so stupid, the freezer broke so she set the oven to 32 Fahrenheit.

Yo mama’s so fat she hosted a bachelor party and the cake popped out of her.

Yo mama’s so stupid, in kindergarten she flunked milk and cookies.

Yo mama’s so stupid she had road rage and lost her wedding ring.

Yo mama’s so stupid she put the coconut in the lime and mixed it all around.

Yo mama’s so ugly when she went to get a face lift the doctor needed a spotter.

Yo mama’s hair is so thin that she combed over her pubes.

Yo mama’s so fat the furniture keeps disappearing.

Yo mama’s so fat she uses Feng Shui to dress herself.

Yo mama’s so fat they call her Moby Cunt.

Yo mama’s so ugly she’s called the Hunchfront of Notre DAMN!

Yo mama’s breasts are so saggy they smeared her toenail polish.

Yo mama’s breast are so saggy she had to pull down her drawers to nurse you.

Yo mama’s breast are so saggy she can throw them over her shoulder like a continental soldier.

Yo mama’s so fat she calculated her waist with pi.

Yo mama’s so fat she has satellites.

Yo mama’s so fat she has gravity.

Yo mama’s so fat she sat in the jacuzzi and came out dry.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got stung by a spelling bee.

Yo mama’s so stupid she collects ice cubes.

Yo mama’s so stupid she got fired from a blow job

Yo mama’s so stupid the dog taught her to roll over.

Yo mama’s so lazy she made you go get the paddle and spank yourself

Yo mama’s so stupid she thought Michael Jackson was the first woman to walk on the moon.

Yo mama’s so stupid she voted for George Bush again.

by numbsain

2008-12-25T02:09:00.000-08:00

Last Minute Dear Santa Letters

Dear Santa,
If you really deliver all those toys to all those kids in one sleigh, you must have a really BIG one! Can I see it? And the Christmas balls too? Ooh it makes me tinsel just to think about it. I want it Santa, Now!
—Kandy Kaine

Dear Ms. Kaine,
Why don't you come down to Nordstroms on the 24th and ride upon Santa's lap till Christmas Morning You're one toy I definitely won't play with once and then throw in the closet with all my other beezys.

Dear Santa,
under my tree this year, can I have a package of Burpee® Morning Glory Seeds, an ounce of bloodroot, 12 lettuce cores, A gallon of anhydrous ammonia, a pint of ether, a 5 gallon wash basin, a condenser coil, and a half gallon of acetone.
—Billy

Dear Billy,
nice try. Why don’t I just bring you the 5 grams of angel dust you’re obviously trying to manufacture with those items. You would have failed anyway because you forgot the iodine and the 3 tubes of Vagisil. Your dust would have given you a severe headache for about ten minutes then you’d be dizzy for two or three days.

Dear Santa,
My beeg brother ees een de Meheecan Mafia and my beeg seester is a puta. Dey always breengeen de drawgs and de cerveza and de unsabory elements to de house and dey a bad eenfluence on me and my familia. We wanteen’ to has a nice Feleez Navidad weethout no biolence dees jear but I know, yust like at ebery Chreesmas somebahdy gonna get keeled again.
Can jou do nawtheen to end dees pattern awf biolence and bloodshed?
—Pepe

Dear Peppy,
I cans do nawtheen’ abou’ dat leetle prowlem of jours because I am not Santa Clows. I am Carlos Santana. Jou god de addresses wrong estupido.

Dear Santa,
can you make my daddy stop sodomizing me every night. All I want for Christmas is to have my butt hole left alone.
—Sincerely, fockole
P.S. Could I get a new name also?

Dear Fuckhole,
I have just the item for you. It is a 3 inch diameter tube with one end closed and a wild shrew tied up by his tail inside. All you have to do is shove the closed end up your ass and wait for daddy to make his nightly visit. When he tries to bunghole you he’ll get his johnson ripped to shreds by this small but highly vicious rodent. The nightly reemings should stop after that. All I ask in return is that you let me have a go at that tight little poop chute of yours just once.

Dear Santa,
I’ve heard very bad rumors about one of your reindeer. I can’t remember which one it is but apparently he’s a serial killer! Can you list them just once to see if anything jogs my memory.
—Love, Prudence

Dear Prude,
I’m certain your mistaken but just so you feel better, my reindeer’s names are as follows: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Dahmer, Blitzen.

Dear Santa,
What’s all this I hear about your reindeer being in a violent gang? Is that true.
—Sebastion Cystern

Dear Sebaceous Cyst
Absolutely not! No reindeer working for me would be involved in such things. Here are their time cards...lets see they are: Basher, Masher, Crasher, Git-’em, Vomit, Putrid, Puke-Stupid, and Smith & Wesson!? HEY! THESE AREN’T THE RIGHT REINDEER!

Dear Santa,
I was wondering if you noticed which of the treats I left out for your reindeer they liked the best. Was it the Purina Reindeer Chow kibbles or the Canned wet food, Fungus and Grubworm Reindeer Feast?
—Conrad

Dear Connie,
Whattaya mean reindeer food? That was meant for the reindeer?! *urp*

Santa, dude,
Like what’s up with you these days? I don’t mean to complain or nothin but, dude ya kinda screwed up my order last year. Like big time! I mean some of the items weren’t even close. What happened to Q.C. up there with those short guys? It was like they were on drugs or something, seriously and you’re supposed to check the merchandise out before it goes to the consumer right? So what the fuck happened? Gettin’ a little lax there are we, a little soft in the head maybe? Are you sure your not having a little bout with senility maybe? Dude if you can’t get your shit together this year, don’t bother with our house. What the fuck am I supposed to do with a goddamn Suzy Homemaker Easy-Bake Oven?
—Reggie

Dear Weggie,
Suck my dick.

Dearest Mr. Santa,
I trust this letter finds you in perfect health. I am Triki Kanyvee of Nigeria and a mutual friend with whom business has been done has left me in trust of a large sum for which I have been instructed to dispense with upon arrival of his death in the sum of 5,000,0000, FIVE MILLION dollars American currency. This matter is of the top most secrecy as otherwise the funds will be confriscated by the customs officials of our countries. Please disclose all information about yourself and your financial matters so as to allow the stealing of your identit— I er uh, mean the transfer of said funds immediately. Thank you in earnest kind friend.
Loving tenderly your truly, Triki

Dear Tricky, I hope this infectious bacterial disease bomb letter leaves you in the worst of health. Thank you for delightful love of your mothers mouth and balls

2008-12-18T13:23:00.000-08:00

OLD JOKES
The staff at Goldminds Unwind is off for the holidays so we had the boys in the mail room recount some of their tired old hackneyed jokes because we figured that would be good enough for you guys. These jokes are as old as kerosene so if you've heard it before, stop reading. Unless you like dragging an old dog through the mud which in and of itself can be pretty freakin' funny. “C'mon Rufus, you can walk you lazy old hound! Put your back into it, boy! Show me what yer made of. What? Have you gone and died on me? Why you mangy old mutt! Thump! Thud! Thubump Take that! And that! I'll teach you to up and die you worthless old sack o' potatoes. All that Alpo gone to waste! Man's best friend, FEH!”

Rite of Passage

A boy comes home from his first day of junior high school. His mother asks, “what did you do in school today honey?” The boy replies, “I had sex for the first time.” After a thorough reprimanding the mother informs the boy that he’ll have to answer to his father when he gets home. A few hours later the father comes home and the boy overhears his parents talking in the kitchen. His mother was still really mad but his father didn’t say a word and went straight up to the boys room. “Son?” his father said entering the room and closing the door, “Your mother tells me you had sex at school today, is this true?” “Yes father,” the boy says. “Well I just have one thing to say about that”…the father says with a stern look on his face, “Way to go, son! Your a man now, and don’t tell your mother this but I’m damned proud of you boy. I had sex when I was your age too and it looks like your a chip off the old block. The men in our family always start young, it’s in our genes. Don’t worry about your mom; you did good boy and you’ve done your dad proud. In fact, you know that BMX bike you’ve been wanting for so long? I’m gonna buy it for you as a coming of age gift. How would you like that?”
“Wow that’s great dad!…except it’s gonna be a while before I can ride it,” says the boy.
“Why’s that son?” asks the father.
“My butt’s really sore from having sex today.”

Prison Role Call

A diminutive man of meager stature is sentenced to one year in the state penitentiary and has the misfortune of being assigned to share a cell with Bubba Johnson, the biggest meanest brawniest dude in the joint. The little man enters the cell and quietly slinks over to his cot trying not to make eye contact with Bubba.
After a few minutes, Bubba says, “You wanna play house?”
The man says, “Uh…O-o-okay, I g-g-g guess so.”
Bubba politely asks, “Whattaya wanna be, the mommy or the daddy?”
The man thinks about it for a second and carefully chooses.
“Oh w-w-w-well I think I’d p-p-p-prefer to be the d-d-d-daddy, sir. (gulp),”
So Bubba calmly sits up, pulls down his drawers and says,
“Okay, now come over here and suck mommys dick.”

The Pickle Slicer

A man who works in a deli tells his psychiatrist he has a problem.
“I don’t know what it is doc, I have this overwhelming compulsion to put my penis in the pickle slicer.”
“The doctor is shocked, “Are you crazy, why would you want to do a thing like that?”
The man says, “I just can’t stop thinking about it. Every time I see that pickle slicer I become obsessed with the idea of doing it and I can’t think about anything else for the rest of the day.
The doctor thinks about it and says, “Well I can’t imagine why you want to, but if you’re that obsessed with it, I think your just gonna have to do it and get it out of your system.”
“You really think so doc? Wow! This is gonna be great, thanks doc.”
The next day the man comes home from work early.
His wife asks, “Honey are you all right? You're home so early.”
“I got fired,” the man replies.
“Why?” she asks.
“I put my penis in the pickle slicer,” he says.
“Oh my god! Was the pickle slicer turned on?” she asks.
“Yeah,” he says.
“Well what happened to your penis!?” she asks.
“Nothing,” says the man.
She looks at him puzzled and asks, “Well then what happened to the pickle slicer?”
The man says, “She got fired too.”

Resurrected by numbsain…No, we don't have a mail room.

2008-12-12T19:23:00.000-08:00

NUMBSAIN'S IRATE

CHRISTMAS CAROLS

A Christmas Wrong
Sung to the tune of “A Christmas Song”
(y'know “chestnuts roasting...” that one.)

Un-em-ploy-ment at an all time high,
health care costs you up the nose,
You’ll be dead in a week if your fired,
and the bank is ready to fore-close, More fi-nan-cial

woes. No tur-key and no mis-tle-toe,
Had to hock the fa-mi-ly.
I won’t buy an-y-one any gifts,
and they damn sure won’t buy one for me.

Be-cause the coun-try’s in the hole,
a-bout a mil-lion bil-lion dol-lars Bushit stole,
Now every mo-thers child is gon-na cry.
I’d love to see those gree-dy bas-tards fry.

And so I’m home-less and with-out a dime,
not like back in nine-ty two,
Those re-pub-li-can pigs screwed us all up the ass,
Bush & Che-ney: Fuck You.

Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow, Yellow Snow!
Sung to the tune of "Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!"

Oh the pres-sure is get-ting strong-er,
Can't hold it too much long-er.
If I can't find any place to go
Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow!

Oh the ques-tion right now is whe-ther...
I can keep my knees to-ge-ther...
Till I find some place to go...
Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow!

Well I guess I drank too much beer...
So just stop by the side of the road.
Or I might have to go right here;
my blad-der's about to ex-plode.

I can feel my-self start to weak-en
I think I might be leak-in'
I need to find a place to go...
Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow, Yel-low Snow!

Santa Claus Ain't Coming to Town
sung to the tune of "Santa Claus IS Coming to Town"

You need-n't watch out,
You might as well cry,
I'm not kis-sing all my mo-ney good-bye,
San-ta Claus Ain't Com-ing to Town.

The corp'-rate rip-offs...
Ain't get-tin' a dime.
Ain't spend-ing all my mo-ney this time,
San-ta Claus Ain't Com-ing to Town.

It's not about re-li-gion, a ho-ly day, in-deed,
They use our kids to guilt trip us and to sa-tis-fy their greed.

This ho-li-day crap...
Is all a big scam.
And frank-ly my dear, I don't give a damn.
San-ta Claus Ain't Com-ing to Town.

Written by numbsain...Ho, ho, ho, gitcha bitch asses all up in heah youz hos!

2008-12-06T20:05:00.000-08:00

UNHOLIDAY STALKING STUFFERS
(By request of Donk & Sheila B Cumming)

Rag-o-meter®
What’s the worst thing about women? Not knowing. Not knowing if you should make your move, or not make a false move, or pack up and move. Women are so unpredictable it’s like sleeping in a mine field full of crazy exploding bitches. But now you can take the mystery out of the missus with Rag-o-meter®! Place the Rag-o-meter® on her nape (or other area of exposed skin) and the readout shows you the full gamut of her emotions from, “Okay, but hurry up about it,” to “Get away from me before I mace you and call the police.” A second readout tells you where she is in her menstrual cycle, saving you those dangerous late night missions under the covers to check the viscosity of her vaginal mucous. “Oh no! She’s waking up! It’s got teeth! AAaargh!” You should have equipped her with the Rag-o-meter!® [add to cart]

Hottie or Rottie® Birth Control/Sexual Enhancer Hologram
This little marvel will transform even the skankiest washed up old hag into the girl of your dreams. Or it can turn the overzealous Mr. Happy Dong into a Wilting Willy in seconds. This amazing technology actually superimposes the female of your choice directly on top of the female your stuck with by using an animated holographic facade that tracks the gals movements so perfectly you’ll swear your fifty year old battle ax is Pamela Anderson! Or ladies can use it to transform their irresistible, youthful comeliness into wrinkled up, grandma-looking ugliness. Sure to make Mr. Gung Ho wither and shrivel like you’re a skank ho! No more unwanted premature ejaculations and no more boinking the same old nasty beeyotch, all in one amazing device. Hottie or Rottie®! Just buy the damn thing!

Boinking Buddy® Vaginal insert
The latest sexual enhancer from Sweden, the people who brought you the Saab, increases pleasure for both him and her by effectively extended him and tightening her. The form fitting outer surface contacts all the rights spots inside and outside the woman while the snug fitting inner surface makes even the flabbiest mayonnaise jar feel like her 14 year old daughter (or so we've heard). Make your 50th anniversary night feel like your honeymoon night. You never know ladies, you just might give him a heart attack and get his pension all to yourself! Turn back the clock, with Boinking Buddy®
[add to cart]

Tooth Shrew®
Have you ever had a wild shrew loose in your mouth? Well now you can. Multiple bristles and brush shapes, styles and thicknesses, spinning, vibrating, clawing and scratching (just like a wild shrew) all built into one frantically powerful device that you cover with toothpaste on all sides and pop into your mouth. Then flip the remote switch and the Tooth Shrew goes bezerk! Keep it inside your mouth as long as you can, and when you can’t hold it in any longer, the Tooth Shrew flies out (up to 10 feet). And guess what? Your teeth have never been cleaner! Sparkling, shining, dazzling teeth, a clean you can really feel! Just fish the tooth shrew out from behind the toilet, rinse and he’s ready to go next time. And 9 out of 10 dentist surveyed recommend teeth for their patients who chew. [add to cart]

Bear-B-Gone!®
You’re out in the wilderness, alone, it’s dark, you’re scared, you’ve wet yourself a little, The aroma of fresh urine permeates the air in a ratio of 1 part per million. That’s all it takes for a grizzly bear to track your scent and before you know it you’re standing face to face with a big, mean, drooling, snarling BEAR! (God he’s ugly!) What do you do? Unpack your rifle? No time! Run like hell? Unless your an Olympic athlete on steroids and PCP, you don’t stand a chance against a quadruped. In fact you’d have to be Superman himself to escape. But there is one thing you can do. Pull out your quick release can of an amazing new product called Bear-B-Gone! A combination genetically altered pepper spray, ultra concentrated mace, a powerfully corrosive molecular acid, a volatile and deadly flesh eating organism found on one of Jupiters moons, and military surplus grade napalm all at your fingertips, ready to be released in a high pressure aerosol propellant. Push the button and watch the fierce, powerful grizzly’s fur and flesh disintegrate before your very eyes! Bears literally melt and spontaneously combust into a pile of ashes in 3.7 agonizing seconds. Watch his big, scary, mean, growling face turn to a whimpering, simpering, scared for his life, little, crying, whiney-pants, sissy, reduced to groveling and begging for mercy at your feet the millisecond Bear-B-Gone comes in contact with his skin. But you’ll just laugh and stomp his head into the ground because...

“OW! OWW!!! YEEAAAARGH-GH-GH-G-G-grgule gurgle gurgle pffzzt!”

No, you don’t want to stomp his head because you’ll get a tiny speck of Bear-B-Gone on your shoe and in seconds you’ll be reduced to a blubbering, screaming little… well you get the idea. Bear-B-Gone!® It doesn’t FUCK around! [add to cart]

By numbsain…wherever great gifts are being shop lifted!

2008-12-05T01:30:00.000-08:00

Hitting Dogs

These two dogs came from the same litter.

There's nothing worse than the feeling of running over a dog. The dull 'flubump' you hear, you can almost feel its furry warmth right through the the brake pedal, or the gas pedal, or your boot if you had to pull over and finish him off. Or your kids see it happen and you try to tell them he only bumped his head on the bottom of the car and he's just fine but they look out the back window and see he was chopped in half by the tire. So you tell them that he was already dying and you put him out of his misery. But the kids explain that it was the neighbors brand new puppy.

It's really bad when you run over your own puppy. But the only thing worse than running over a puppy and watching it die is watching it limp around for 18 years—and it still loves you—ugh, I hate that. Dragging itself along on two legs trying to bring you your slippers.
“Stumpy! Forget about the damn slippers already! No, don’t wag your tail, you’ll fall ove-…Aw, Stump-e-ers.”

I had a blind dog for a while. he wore dark glasses and I was his seeing eye man. I got to go into kennels and dog washes that normally I would never be allowed to enter. As long as I was well behaved and didn't bite anyone. He had a nasty temperament because he was bred to be a guard dog so to do his job he just had to flail wildly and bite in every direction. We called him Ray Snarles because whenever we were threatened and he had to figure out who to bite, he never got right one, baby.

We got tired of getting bit all the time so we took him to the park and played fetch with him. Then we jumped in the car and drove away. But he somehow found his way back! So we cut off all his legs. He makes a good throw pillow for the couch when the in-laws come over. Finally he died when Uncle Jerry sat on him, but you should have seen Uncle Jerry's ass! Aunt Janey never chewed him one that big!

Soon we got a new dog. He's a dingo and he's a little temperamental; kinda snaps at people. But, when a few babies were missing around the neighborhood, the neighbors suspected Bingo. We didn't want to put him to sleep, that seems wrong. So we were thinking of running him over instead. Then some Korean friends convinced us not to waste a perfectly good animal. They gave us some great recipes and told us just how to prepare him. Well, the recipes worked great. Changing his diet made him a lot calmer and we prepared him by visiting his new home a couple times to get him used to it. The Yims say he's a perfect pet and... Wait, you weren't thinking...just because they're Korean you thought they were going to... Oh, that's disgusting. If Asians eat dogs then why don't Americans eat dragons?

A bit of trivia here. I learned why dogs on a leash always pee a little bit on every tree they see along the walk instead of all at once like we do. It's because we don't stop walking! While we're on the subject of dogs, here's the latest list, from our corporate offices in Scottsdale Arizona, of

Top Ten Worst Dog Names

10. Lemonade Vendor
9. Kennyl
8. O'Drool
7. Humpaleg
6. Style
5. John Lapper
4. Edgar Alpo
3. Terry R.
2. Quadrupet
1. Sit Vicious

Check out our Top XX worst dog name lists scattered around the blog, (which rhymes with dog).
This post was written by numbsain…the name says it all!

2008-11-26T03:16:00.000-08:00

Numbsain's Gift Ideas

Duller Image, Brooksnuts, Hammacker & Schlemmer (that's fine the way it is) move over! Numbstones LTD. brings you a new line of ingenious high tech, gadgets, goodies and gags that are sure to bring wetness and cheer around the tree. And with the economy down the shitter, thanks to our lovely government of insane murdering criminals who we are letting walk away with the whole pot, Christmas shopping is especially joyous this year. I wonder what gifts the bushits and the cheneys are buying for themselves this year. I'd like to give them a very special gift of my own creation and watch them eat it.

Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year… *urp*KaBARFFF!

Ouch Gum
Ow! Eek! Ooch! Ugh! That’s what you hear every time you chew a stick of Ouch Gum!
Built into every stick is a tiny pressure sensitive sound generator that uses your mouth cavity as a speaker. Ouch! The gum that feels pain the way we do!

Toilet-in-a-Briefcase
You’ve Just had two cups of coffee and a bran muffin and now you’re standing on a crowded bus with 20 minutes til you get to work. Suddenly Nature calls and it’s a BIG one! What do you do? Just flip open Toilet-in-a-Briefcase and unfold a real working toilet! Drop trou and do your business anytime, anywhere Then when you’re all done, fold it back up and, oh look! It’s your stop! Time sure flies when you’re taking a shit.

The Neutrinonizer
Increase your sense of being with this little life saver. Breathing depletes the air of essential subatomic particles and a well lived in room can become a stale, lifeless place in no time. Replenish the air with refreshing neutrinos! The smallest of all theoretical subatomic particles, neutrinos are believed to constitute one third of the universe. You can’t see them but you’ll sure rest easier knowing that you and your family are getting plenty of them…theoretically!

OdorUp! Olfactory Alarm Clock
Need to get up early but your significant other likes to sleep in? A noisy alarm clock really won’t do now will it? Just place OdorUp over the bridge of your nose and sleep easy. Come morning OdorUp releases a fetid acrid stench that will bring tears to your eyes and wakes you up in a jiffy. While your partner never hears a thing.
OdorUp…Wake up and smell the catbox!

Nautical 8-Ball
For the seafaring type who can’t remember how to sail, just ask the Nautical 8-Ball and it will say: “Hard a-port” “Luff out the Mizzen” “Broad Reach” “Beat to Windward” Over 300 authentic nautical sailing terms will keep you ship-shape when you “weigh anchor” so you never find yourself “In irons” or three sheets to the wind!”

In-Your-Face Gag Mace
Mom had to work late so dad said he’d pick her up. He shows up a half hour late and mom is standing outside—at night. Wait dad, don’t drive up on her just yet, there’s a rapist approaching her. Turn off the headlights and watch the zany whacky antics when mom goes to mace the the attacker but instead SHE gets a face full of painful debilitating MACE. In-Your-Face Gag Mace has the nozzle reversed for lots of laughs!

In-Your-Snatch Gag Condoms
The date is getting hot and heavy, she’s ready but asks if you have protection. You discreetly slip on an In-Your-Snatch Gag Condom and let the fun begin. It’s got a special reservoir tip filled with an amazing realistic looking jizz-like polymer that E-X-P-A-N-D-S to 10x original volume! Two minutes later, Oops! She thinks your blowing your wad insider her and imagine the look on her face when up to two gallons of expanding jizz foam comes gushing out of her. Best of all it hardens to solid in 30 seconds. She’ll never get it all out! The perfect way to end a first and only date!

Gillette Dodeco Shaving System
First there were twin blades, then triple blades, then they introduced the Quatro, four blade razor, And then Five! Where do you go from there? introducing the Gillette Dodeco Shaving System! 12 blades in one handle! Bet you’re thinking, “the smoothest shave ever!” Well think again. The blades are parallel with the handle! One swipe and Dad’s jugular is gushing! Loads of Laughs!

2008-11-22T22:00:00.001-08:00

Twelve Dates of Christmas

On the first date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the se-cond date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
two smel-ly fin-gers,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the third date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
three pain-ful hick-eys,
two smel-ly fin-gers,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the fourth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
fore-head ab-ras-ions,
three pain-ful hick-eys,
two smel-ly fin-gers,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the fifth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hick-eys,
smel-ly fin-ger goo
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the sixth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hick-eys,
smel-ly fin-ger goo
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the seventh date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the eighth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the ninth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the tenth date of Christmas my true love gave to me:
cum-stained pa-ja-mas
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the eleventh date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
ter-ti-ary syph’lis,
cum-stained pa-jam-as
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

On the twelfth date of Christ-mas my true love gave to me:
twelve thou-sand crab-lice,
ter-ti-ary syph’lis,
cum-stained pajamas
gon-ho-or-rea,
gen-it-al her-pes,
test-ic-ul-ar tor-sion,
six pe-nile les-ions,
pain… when I pee…
rug-burns on my head,
three hic-keys,
fin-gers kind of stink,
and a flesh eat-ing eh-es tee dee.

by numbsain…Oh no! my sain is numb

2008-11-17T20:29:00.000-08:00

The Fundamental Laws that Govern Yo Ass

The 1st Law of Futility
You can’t have a catch 22 until you have a catch 21. But then you’re one short of a catch 22.

The Law of Stupid Laws
If Murphy’s Law can go wrong, it won’t. So you’re still stuck with Murphy’s stupid law.

The 1st Law of Indigestion
What goes up, someone had to throw up.

The Law of Visa
for every action there is an equal and opposite charge on your account.

The 2nd Law of Indigestion
What goes around gives you diarrhea.

The Law of Resentment
No good deed goes un-guilt-tripped.

The Law of Kleptomania
Objects in motion tend to stay in motion, objects at rest tend to be stolen.

The 2nd Law of Futility
When an irrepressible force meets an irresistible object, somebody ends up crying.

The 3rd Law of Desert Physics
The relationship between an object's mass (m), its acceleration (a), and the applied force (F) is only legal in the state of Nevada.

The 2nd Law of Thermo-Finance
Energy can be changed from one form to another, but it will take up to 3 to 5 business days.

The Law of Inbreeding
Nothing can be the cause of its own existence, except in Tenessee where a man can be his own father.

The Law of Junk Food
E=McNuggets.

The Law of Shopping
You can’t get something for nothing, but at Ross’s weekend blowout sale, you can get name brands for next to nothing, this weekend only…at Ross!

The Law of Stupidity
50% of the people in the world are below average in intelligence.

The Law of Heresay
I think therefor I am not dead.

The Law of Masculinity (or lack thereof)
Size doesn’t matter, unless you’re talking about a guy with a really small penis because that poor bastard will never satisfy a women.

by Prof. Numbsain…LsD, Xtc, pCp, NO2, THc

2008-11-14T02:36:00.000-08:00

Billy: Little Boy with a Big Problem

Once upon a time in a far away land there lived a little boy of 10 years old who had a GREAT BIG penis. His name was Billy and all the other boys and girls used to laugh at him for his penis was much too large.

All the other children had average sized penises and they flaunted them proudly, whipping them out at urinals or in the woods behind the school yard where they would tie up Cynthia Titesnatch after class and hone their boinking skills on her. But they wouldn’t let poor Billy join in any penis games.

The boys wouldn’t let him sword fight with them because his penis was too slow.

“En Garde Sir Billy! I challenge thee to a duel. Brandish thy weapon or be smitten with my smegma!” said Sir Bobby as he wielded his three inch cutlass.

“Ng-g-g!” Gimme a minute here, I’ve almost got it up.” said Sir Billy struggling to get his cumbersome seventeen inch ex-caliber so much as an inch off the ground.

“Ha ha ha! Look at Billy and his elephant penis!” they all laughed, “He can’t even lift it.”
Poor Billy would have to fold his penis in half, then in quarters, then roll it up and stuff it back into his trousers and skulk away shamed and humiliated.

The girls wouldn’t let him play hide the gherkin because his penis was much too conspicuous. One day a new girl came to the school and she didn’t notice that Billy's pants were pleated in front and yet still he always bumped into the lunch trays in the cafeteria.

“Hi Billy,” said the comely new girl, Penny, “Wanna play kissin’ in the closet with me?” she said with her full luscious red lips and her dreamy azure eyes blinking seductively.

“(Gulp) S-s-sure P-P-P-Penny!” said Billy nervously but excited. Why? Because Penny was a damn fine piece of ass and there wasn’t a boy in the school who wouldn’t give his left testicle for a minute and a half in the closet with Penny.

“C’mon then, let’s get our tongues into each others throats right away, shall we?

Billy was sprung big time. The two of them entered the closet when no one was looking. No sooner had the door closed, Penny was buck naked and licking his epiglottis!

“ Billy, why are you shoving me away with your leg. Don’t you like incredibly gorgeous, highly aggressive, oversexed ten year old girls?” Penny asked pouting seductively.

“I wasn’t Penny, I swear!” said Billy.

“Well if this isn’t your leg than it must be your...Ahahahahahah! Is that behemoth your penis!? Hahahaha tee-hee! Oh Billy, you silly little boy. Now what did you expect to do with that thing after we kissed and I got all aroused and demanded to be boinked? I couldn’t even fit that in my make-up case much less my tight pink vagina. Give me a cigarette and run along, jumbo boy! Hahahaha!” said Penny dismissively.

Billy dutifully gave her his last Marlboro Light and skulked away sadly, dragging his hippopotomic penis behind him.

“Ha ha ha! Billy, Billy, seventeen inch willy!” the children all sang tauntingly.

Just when it seemed like things couldn’t get any worse for Billy, they did.

“Billy!” said the teacher angrily, “Come to the blackboard this minute!”

“Yes, Mrs. Crotch-Chasm,” said Billy as he skulked to the head of the class and stood in front of the voluptuously buxom teacher at the blackboard.

“Billy,” said Mrs. Crotch-Chasm, “How big is your penis, young man?” She asked sternly.

“Seventeen inches.” said Billy, hanging his head low in shame.

The children all started laughing hysterically at Billy’s unfortunate deformity, completely insensitive to that fact that it was not his fault. Children can be so cruel.

“SILENCE!” shouted Mrs. Crotch-Chasm sternly, “Billy you will stay after class and write on the blackboard 1000 times: ‘I will not have a seventeen inch penis.’”

“What?!” said Billy indignantly, “Look, I didn’t ask to have a seventeen inch penis! and furthermore...”
Billy was just getting his tirade going when Mrs. Crotch-Chasm leaned over and whispered something in his ear.

“Oh.” said Billy, “A thousand times you say? Sure, no problem.”

After the school bell rang and all the other children had gone home, Billy was just about done with his first of a thousand times when Mrs. Crotch-Chasm said, “Turn around, Billy”

Billy turned around and there was Mrs. Crotch-Chasm in a leather corset, fishnet stockings, and 9 inch spiked heels! She looked slammin’!

“Day-um!” said billy unzipping his pants with a mac daddy smirk on his face.

“Well, we don’t need to tell you what happens next. Let’s just suffice it to say: They lived happily ever after!

by numbsain

Note: We do not promote child pornography, 10 year olds having sex with adult teachers, nor anything that is harmful to children or perverse or weird or anything like that. It's just a coincidence that those things are what this post is about. None of these characters have any similarity to anyone in real life and don't try this at home.

For Sale: boy with 17 inch penis, to a good home.

2008-11-06T07:20:00.000-08:00

New Elements Discovered!

Periodically, scientists will discover a new element never before known and they will add it to the periodic table. Each new geological finding expands the table and all new books have to be re-printed. The periodic table started out relatively small and simple: Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, Salt, Pepper, Sweet n’ Low—the usual condiments. Then along came Helium, Cobalt, Tabasco, A1 Sauce, Ketchup, Gold, Silver, Equal, and the table started filling up. Now recently we’ve added Uranium, Plutonium, KC Masterpiece BBQ Sauce, Accent, The crap that Emirel guy sells, Copper, Zinc, Braggs, CoffeeMate, and even Soy Sauce.

Well, the shit has really hit the fan now as 30 new elements have been identified. All as a result of one lousy meteor which landed last week—oh sorry now it’s a meteorite because it landed. If you ask me we should have blasted the damned thing back out into space and then it would be a meteoroid again.

Here are the new ones we've got to squeeze in there somewhere.

Scientists are working furiously around the clock trying to find commercial and industrial uses for these elements but so far only two have been found to be useful. Chickendelite seems to have industrial use as a coagulant for keeping milk from separating, and Inferium makes a great doorstop because of its very dense atomic weight. Of course, so would a lot of the chicks I've dated recently.

By Prof. Numbsain PhD National Scientific Institute for the Criminally Insane, Putzpuller Prize winning, Author and worlds foremost authority on Cunning Linguistics

2008-10-29T15:13:00.000-07:00

This Is Exactly Why I Don't Call My Mother

Everytime she calls, this happens:

Hello, is it a bad time?
I'm sorry.
I just thought maybe...
I am your mother.
NO, no no really, I'll try back later I can see you're busy.
No, I insist. I'm fine.
Sure.
Really.
Yeah?
Ya sure?
I'm not interrupting anything?
No?
All right then, if yer sure.
Then I can chat for a minute but I don't want to overstay, my…y'know.
Cause I'm not one to waste anyone's time.
No.
Never.
So tell me about you.
Don't feel like talking eh?
It's okay.
I understand.
But y'know I really can be a good listener.
Okay it's obvious you don't feel comfortable discussing it with me.
I know trust is earned, not inherited.
I get it.
Yer right, yer absolutely right.
I see how you could feel like that.
It's true, to the untrained eye it could look like that.
I thought you of all people would be able to see past all that.
I am your mother after all.
You'd think that would be worth something.
Some sons actually call their mothers.
Gwen's son calls her every week.
but I'm not judging.
Oh heavens no, I would never.
No, you're acting out of feelings that are important for you to feel.
Listen I would have to.
If we were allowed to.
My father wouldn't let us have feelings.
But you were given that.
And that's a great gift in this life.
That you have that luxury is really…well just cherish it.
‘Cause it's a good thing, trust me.
Take it from someone who was, maybe…e-e-eh not so fortunate, let's say.
Can we say that?
Can we agree on that one basic truth?
Because y'know, the tru—OH MY GOD! OH CRAP! DAMN DAMN DAMN!!! THE CAT'S ON FIRE!!! GET HIM! HE'S RUNNING OUT THE DOOR, CATCH HIM! THROW WATER ON HIM! DO SOMETHING!!! OH! CRAP, HELL, THE DRAPES! HE SET THE DRAPES ON FIRE!! DUMP IT ON HIM! POUR THE DAMN WATER ON THE CAT! HE'S BURNING UP!!! YOU MISSED! YOU IDIOT HE'S STILL ON FIRE, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!!!? OH YOU MISSED AGAIN!!?? ARE YOU STUPID? CHRIST ALMIGHTY! LOOK AT THAT! NO! NO no no, it's too late.
Don't bother, no.
Look at that.
Poor thing, burnt to a crisp.
My god what a shame.
A perfectly good cat, poof up in smoke.
What did we pay for that cat?
Oh fer gods sake.
Y'know your sister loved that cat.
Now look at him.
No don't touch him! Jeezus.
No that's just a reflex.
They do that.
His lungs are just expelling gas.
It's not really meowing.
No No of course not that would be horrible!
No It's just gas.
Yes, that was more gas…
Oh Goddamn it!
Okay! Hit him with the flower pot!
No hard, stupid.
On the head!
Just DO IT HARDER!
AGAIN!
UNTIL HE STOPS MEOWING!!!
HIT IT!!!
GIMME THE DAMN THING!
LIKE THIS!!!!
SMASH ITS HEAD!
THERE!
THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!
DON'T SWING IT AROUND LIKE THAT!
OH NO!
NOW LOOK WHAT YOU DID TO GRANDMA'S BEAUTIFUL SLIP COVERS.
They're ruined.
No, 409 won't get that out!
Ferget about it.
You've done enough.
You've really ruined my whole afternoon.
Christ all mighty, gutten himmel…Wha?
Oh, I'm sorry honey, are you still there.
I'm sorry, we just had a little accident with the… the vacuum cleaner.
Yeah, sure no he's fine, yeah everybody's fine.
Listen I caught you at a bad time.
I'll go.
Next time is better.
Sure.
Okay.
Uh-huh.
Of course.
He's fine.
I will.
You too.
Okay.
Next time.
We will.
You too.
Bye bye.
G'night.
I love you too.
Mm-hmm Bye, Love you.
Bye bye.
Goodnight.

by numbsain...I don't have issues, I have subscriptions.

2008-10-27T00:16:00.000-07:00

WOW! WHAT A NIGHT!

Ass in picture is not actual size. To show actual size would require a forklift.

I had just dropped my girlfriend off at the Bawdy Shoppe, a strip club where she currently holds a position as CEF (Customer Erections Facilitator) and I decided to go out for a little something different tonight. I hightailed it over to the local girly bar, “Deja Phew” (which I believe is french for “been there, smelled that”). Upon entering the establishment and taking a good look at the decor, ambiénce, and feng shui of the layout, my first thought was “Pussy! Yummy nums!” I watched a girl writhe around on stage contorting her naked body to allow maximum viewing of every cran and nookie. I found myself strangely intrigued by the openings into her body even though I'm certain I would not find the same fascination with the various organs, glands and digestive tubing that I would find inside. So why all the fuss about the entrances to places you have no desire to enter? But all that was about to change.

Then “she” walked out onto the stage. Her name was Nacy or Maty or something like that. My jaw dropped to the floor and suddenly there was nothing to hold my tongue in my mouth. My tongue unraveled onto the floor and lay there like a wet fish. Drool was gushing from my gaping maw and soon my teeth began falling out followed by my palette which was all that held my brain in my head. Thus, it too hit the floor with a wet splat.

I think she noticed me and was charmed by my inability to conceal the fact that I fancied her. I sat there desperately trying to scoop up all my head cheese and stuff it back into my skull in roughly the right places when she sauntered over to my side of the stage. Well it wasn't really my side but I was over there first so I guarded it like a kitten guards its nipple. Just to be safe I decided to put a down payment on it and scattered some denominations around. She thought they were for her, not realizing that I would never insult a woman of such class, breeding and sophistication as she buy insinuating that she could be bought for any price.

To show me her appreciation she proceeded to wrap her long, sexy, tan, curvacious scarf around my eager, drooling, googly-eyed chair. Then she straddled my face with her gorgeous, perky, bouncing, bodaciously abundant 38dd lips! I could almost smell her upper digestive tract as she panted heavily into both ears at once and swirled her long, dangling, wet, snake-like tongue around in my eagerly flared nostrils. My sinuses have never been clearer and I was feeling like a madman all around trying to find her toes.

Suddenly she scooted up the long slender slippery slimy brass pole like a squirrel trying to escape a little kid with a BB gun, and in one swell fwoop, careened right back down full speed, plunging her dainty, delicate little tootsie toes into my open mouth and continued down my esophagus till they reached the bottom where they danced momentarily atop my lunch which was eagerly awaiting to be fully digested by the powerfully corrosive hydrochloric acid in my stomach. My superhuman, convulsively forceful gag reflex caused my esophagus to churn masterfully in reverse parastalsis causing me to violently regurgitate her feet and part of her tibia out onto the eagerly awaiting stage.

Then the light of Heaven shone down upon me and a chorus of cherubim, who have never been sodomized by a single Catholic priest, sang a chord of such beauty that it brought a tear to every eye in the house as my fertility Goddess of the sordid stage made a 180 degree turn on her 14 inch spiked heel and exposed, in all its resplendent abundance, her gloriously expansive, miraculously ample, masterfully sculpted, furtively jiggling, bulbous cloven tushy!

There wasn't a dry seat in the house! I had to have her right then and there! I ripped off my clothes in one gulp and shot my body like a cannon up onto the stage and with all 4 inches of my massive, erect, tumescent projectile commenced to give my queen the boinking of her life and didn't stop for...oh jeez, it must have been a good 3 and a half seconds (my worlds record to date) at which point I ruptured into a rhapsodic fireworks display of orgasm, volcanically spewing my molten lava and ash high into the eagerly waiting atmosphere, sending tidal wave-like paroxisms of rapture coursing mightily throughout every fiber of her voluptuously grateful being, probably. And then in all of an instant we went helplessly limp and collapsed in mid air, plummeting to Earth and landing in a spent, euphoric, steamy, mucilaginous pile with a dull thud.

The crowd went insane and we were both dragged off the stage by the biggest, burliest, manliest, muscle-boundliest bouncer the world has ever been given the bums rush by. She was rushed to the hospital, and I was booted headlong like a winning field goal that went slightly too far to the left into the back alley where my flesh was consumed by rats the size of pitbulls and my bones were crushed to a fine bonemeal by hyperactive pitbulls who have been injected with methamphetamines!

Wow what a night!

by numbsain...he likes to have his kicks in the groin.

2008-10-17T05:32:00.000-07:00

LETTERS TO SANTA
by numbsanta

Dear Santa Claus,
I’m a 12 year old kid. All my friends have started going through puberty already and are developing normally, y’know broader shoulders, deeper voices, and signs of facial hair. Most noticeable is their penises. They’re huge! I have none of these things. My shoulders are looking even smaller because I seem to be getting more baby fat in the upper body, My voice is the same, no facial hair and my penis is still just a little nubbin. What’s wrong with me? Why don’t I develop like the other kids? All I want for Christmas is a big long schlong.

Jennifer

Dear Jennifer,
I have some bad news for you. It seems you have a congenital birth defect. You are what doctors refer to as a female. You will never develop a big long schlong. However I can bring you one. You just can’t keep it because it’s attached to a hairy patch just below my navel.

≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈≈

Dear Santa Claus,
The following is a partial list of what I’m expecting under the tree on Christmas morning. Don’t let me down Santa, my father owns Exxon, He’s one of the richest most powerful men in the world so if I don’t get what I want…ha ha ha I don’t think I need to say anything more. Here’s the list:
A Hummer
A Yacht (the biggest)
A Leer Jet
A Lamberghini (yellow)
I need all that stuff by no later than the 25th ‘cause I got a date with this totally hot babe and I think it’ll be really impressive when she shows up at my house and sees all that stuff in the driveway. Well don’t just stand there you old geezer, get to work! and don’t bother reading little Billy’s letter, this is more important! Move!

Corbritt Bonassus III

Dear Master Bone Asses,
I’m very sorry but due to the cost of fuel this year Santa Claus can no longer provide his usual service and Christmas is declaring bankruptcy. And just a thought, if you want to impress a girl you might wanna try buying something for her, and I hope it’s expensive because you won’t win her over with your charming personality.

∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§∞§

Dear Santa,
I want a Realistic War Game® where I can be right in the middle of the action so I can feel like I’m really killing terrorists and being a War Hero® just like my big brother who’s over there fighting the war right now. We haven’t heard from him for a couple of months but Dad say’s that’s cause he’s involved in a Top Secret Mission®.

Sincerely, Johnny®

Dear Johnny,
Santa’s got a treat for you! You’re going to have the most realistic war game adventure ever! I’ve arranged to have you spend two years in Realistic Action War Camp®! You’ll be flown to Iraq and be given a Realistic Looking Weapon®! You can get to see your brother in a Real Body Bag® and watch other kids just like you actually Getting Killed!® You’ll come back from camp changed—a Real War Hero®—with your Legs Blown Off®! You’ll have Real Anger Issues® and Post Traumatic Stress®! You’ll get to stay in a Real Veterans Hospital® and get all the benefits Mr. Bush wants you to have! Merry Christmas Johnny! Glad I could make all your dreams come true!

†¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††¬††

Dear Santa,
If you are reading this then you must really exist, in which case you can disregard this letter whose purpose is to determine if you really exist or not. If you do not really exist please tell me so by returning the enclosed SASE to me.

Guirro

Dear Weirdo,
If you are in receipt of this it is because I don’t exist in which case you could not be in receipt of this unless you don’t exist either and we are communicating on a non-existence level which is entirely possible since non-existence does not exist therefore all the rules go out the window and then you might as well believe in Santa Claus.
Does that answer your question you little smart ass?

And BTW leave the tooth fairy out of this because I’ve got the quarters to prove he’s real

««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««««

Yo Yo Yo Santa, Wussup foo’ I’m hookin’ you up wit dis Chrizzismas Lizzist so y’all know what kinda blingage to put awl up under my tree, Y’dig? So dis is da shizzizzny:

A big ol’ crack rock
A C-note werf a blow
Some buds o’ some killah kush
A pair a bad-ass kicks
A Digital Electron Scan Micrometer

Peace out, Bone Slamma

Dear Mr. Slamma,
I can hook you up with all the items you requested. But there’s one that seems a little inconsistent with the rest of your list. Why in the world do you want a pair of kicks?

∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚∂˚

Dearest Santa,
I am a transient indigent from an underclass family in an impoverished third world nation on the western hemisphere. Due to my father’s employer’s failure to adequately compensate him in the form of monetary remuneration for his interminable toiling at a corporate manufacturing facility, my paternal progenitor has been, as of yet, unable to provide his malnourished, poverty-stricken family with a single Christmas accouterment. It would mean the world to us if you could find it in your heart to bestow upon us but a single token of your sympathy for our predicament in the form of a Christmas gift, preferably wrapped in cheery Christmas-theme paper and tied with a ribbon and a bow.
This gesture on your part might revivify our faith in humanity and give us a reason to live yet another miserable day of this downtrodden existence we currently enjoy.

Thank you, in advance, for your kind and thoughtful consideration of my request. May the best of all things come to you and your loved ones during this season and from now until eternity.

Sincerely, Augustus Champhorwolfe Carrerra III

Dear Gus,
What the hell are you talking about dude? Not all of us can afford the education it would take to read, much less write, a pompous letter like that. Can you put that in laymen’s terms you pedantic freak?

by numbsanta

2008-10-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

Top 10 Strangest Things Ever Eaten
Special thanks to Kelly Sonora for the idea for this post.
Here's a link to her “real” top 25 strangest things ever eaten list:
(http://www.x-raytechnicianschools.org/the-25-weirdest-things-eaten-by-a-human/).

10. A Rainbow—Gullspit Greenschtuff of Donkeylove NC, consumed a 30 mile wide rainbow after seeing a Skittles® Advertisement. “It wasn't as good as it looked on TV but my friends all think I'm an idiot!” said Gullspit.

9. A Denny's Menu—Claude McScratchinsniff of Left Titsburg, PA, was always disappointed to find the meal didn't look as good on the plate as it did in the pictures. An Irate waitress advised him to, “eat the pictures and go fuck yourself!” McScratchinsniff reportedly complied with the both requests, the latter of which landed him a part in a XXX video entitled “Go Fuck Yourself.”

8. A McDonalds Hamburger—Bunce Flapcrack, a retard of 33 sent us this one from Retard Falls, MO.
We included it for its strangeness in the context of this list. Plus, how do you tell a retard he's clueless?
(Note: The term “retard” does not refer to the mentally handicapped, it refers to people who are retarded by choice and therefore get no special treatment. Duh!)

7. A Tuna fish Vagina—Hollis Clubber, of Idano, Alaska wanted to try human flesh but didn't want to be labeled a cannibal for reasons of his political affiliations with a vice presidential candidate whose name has been withheld. “My employer said, ‘Hollis, I told you, if you ever bring a vagina into this office again you'll rue the day you ever brought a vagina into Sarah Pailin's office. Now eat it! Eat that fishy vagina!’ ”

6. Therapy—Osgood Azitgetz of Chokenhoggin Cumswap, Canada ate 14 two hour therapy sessions which had been paid for prior to his sudden miraculous recovery from chronic excessive repulsive disorder. The complete remission of symptoms occurred after his family doctor advised him to wipe his ass after using the loo. When he requested a refund, Azitgetz was advised by the therapist that he would have to eat it.

5. A Marine—Sgt. Semon Creamens, US Navy, in a boasting match with a rival armed force, claimed that he could eat a member of the US Marine Corp. thus proving superiority of Navy over Marines. Creamans proved his point, completing the task over the course of 4 months, by mixing a small amount of a deceased Marine Corp. Officer cadaver into his hamburger meat everyday until the entire Marine was consumed. Though Creamens considers it a braggable notch in his cap, his fellow officers have advised him not to bring it up at social functions.

4. His Vegetables—Monty Alschult, a six year old from New Tungswick NJ shocked and amazed his parents by executing a task beyond anything they had ever imagined. He ate all his vegetables!

3. A Banister—Tommy “the Termite” Flatz of Persnictity NY chewed through a 14 foot banister over the course of 45 years and digested the chewed wood using the same method employed by termites of ingesting and defecating the masticated wood, letting it ferment and grow tiny organisms which break down the indigestible wood fibers, then re-consuming the moldy rotting wood/organism mixture and repeating this process up to three times until his body actual assimilates the banister.
Flatz not surprisingly is a reclusive loner who has no friends and has never been married. Though available for interviews none were requested.

2. A Suppository—George Phlegm, Nofork VA, ate a suppository.

1. A 1995 Chrysler LeBaron Convertible/Coupe—Stephanie Cringe of Tucumcary NM ate her car when she became so frustrated looking for a parking place that she panicked and ate the vehicle to avoid being late for a job interview. Ironically the position she was applying for was Assistant Editor for Automotive Consumer Guide.

2008-10-07T03:57:00.000-07:00

The McGuillermosteins
America’s Hungriest Dysfunctional Medical Expert Hillbilly Family

George walked in the door with a dead koala bear between his lips. Millicent had already been back for twenty minutes. She brought Kale. Mylee didn’t have such good luck and had one bullion cube that might have been chicken but the wrapper had been removed. Father didn’t think they should eat it because of where it was found (in Yourlee’s butt crack) but Gertrude insisted, saying it was just flavorin’ so it didn’t have to be clean. Clump climbed up the side of the house and came in through the window dragging something disgusting behind him. He was grinning hole to hole and kept saying, “entrails, entrails”

Note: Clump, though dumber than a text only edition of Hustler, had a fortuitous fluke deformity which gave him an insect like body with 6 legs, an exoskeleton, and the ability to live for up to nine days without his head. Father believes he is what all humans will someday evolve into. Unfortunately mating is out of the question because there isn’t a women on earth who would fuck a bug.

“Mother pardon my heaven beetles, Clump you have got to be one of the silliest cuddle bunji muffin willows that ever walked the red bumpy streets of Moldavia. That ain’t nothin’ edible, scholar, you brung 13 feet o’ sea wheat,” said Tropical John.

“Quit yer Vlad maimed jabberwockin Mr. Lime-in-de-Coconut, this heres the entrails of a very voluptuous walrus. That’s good eatin’ right there. Some capers and a cap full of white wine, simmer twenty minutes till tender, and you’re feasting like a Donner,” said Clump.

“Gertie, You ain’t gonna taint the pot with that mess are ya?” said the Tropster.

“Yer mighty well certain I ain’t, San Tropé. We’re not goin’ hungry again tonight…And quit droolin’ on the ko-wally, Gorgeous. Just take it into the garage and skin it, Widja? Ya mangy mildew hospice,” said Gertrude.

“Aunt Gertie, Yourlee keeps flickin her boogers on me and I don’t like stuff that comes outta her half o’ the body. Tell her to—” said Mylee, before she was (Gert)rudely interrupted.

SHAAADDUP! I hate yer voice! I hate the way her mouth opens slightly when you talk! I hate the way you poop all over each other when one of ya sneezes! I can’t believe something so ugly and maldeformed came outta the body of such a beautiful creature as yer mother, may she rest in peace. Now stay outta my sight before I separated ya with a melon baller!” said Gertrude in one of her typical tirades which always end with a threat to separate the twin wretches with whatever cooking utensil she had in her hand at the moment.

Everyone was amused the time she tried it with a piece of muslin cloth. Said the narrator who was the only one who was amused.

“Now, now, now, now, now call off your coyotes there Ger, ger, ger, ertrude, the twins never asked to be conjoined. We, we, we, we was just havin’ a little fun, what with Father gettin’ his sur, sur, sur, sur, sur,…” tried to say Sputter, the brudder with a stutter.

“SURGEONS LICENSE!” interjected Gertrude impatiently.

“—geons license brand new that day and things just got a little outta hand,” finished Sputter.

“I wershed you never done GOT that surgeons license, Father Bother! Yer plumb MEAN! Aw-haw-haw-haw-haw (sob) Aw-haw-haw! Ka-HONK (wheeeeeze)” Said the dominant surgically conjoined twin, Mylee. The other twin, Yourlee has, since conjunction, been reduced to a sad mimicking ape of her sister with no independant autonomy apart from her ability to defiantly flick boogers.

“Well humpy dumpy doo dingy, Sputter. You hurt their feelers. What have you got to say fer yer stutterin’ self, Hooked-on-Phonics? (gee they sure do cry weird don’t they?)” Trailed off Tropical John (a.k.a. Fruit Punch, which they never refer to him as in this story due to the intense homophobia they all share, meaning they’re all gay as jay birds.

“Muh, muh, muh, ME? It were FATHER! He done did the dang stitchin. Iffin you’d ke, ke, kept both their renal glands. We coulda cut ‘em apart after ya sobered up. Ya old COO, COO, COO, COOT!” struggled Sputter who was obviously sexually abused by Father, who is always Ironically referred to as Father.

“I’m workin on a new gland for ‘em, Stutter Butter. But that FRAM filter ain’t gonna do the trick.”

[to be continued but this is just too weird to continue without huffing more Aquanet.—numbsain]

2008-10-05T12:27:00.000-07:00

Numbsayings
A collection of adages and maxims, mottos and aphorisms, dictums and epigrams, apothegms and truisms. Time honored advice from the sage that's all the rage, the uncouth Mayor Soothe Sayer. Everyone of these paraphrasable platitudes have come to me in a moment of profound epiphany when the haze of drugs and cheap women suddenly cleared and yours truly found himself standing face to face with the source of all wisdom (no it was not a mirror, but thank you) God himself. Well, you call him God, I call him at the office.

“Thank you for callin’ Heaven, This is Shirley speakin’ how may I direct your call?”
“Shirley baby, put me through to the cheif would you darlin’”
“Please hold.”
“You're an angel Shirl’”
“Sir it's that annoying Mr. Numbsain shall I tell him your in a meeting?”
“Surely Shirley, and tell him, A holy son carries no cross.
“Yes sir…Hello thank you for holding. Mr. Numbsain, he says, ‘a hole in one rather than floss.’”
“Thank you toots.”

The Best of Numbsayings:

Slime flies when you eat and run.

It's not the size of the man, it's the size of his dick.

You can't make a sick person shout in a cows ear.

If the birds don't do the bees, why, fly again.

He who barks at cars farts in bars.

Girls don't gum meatballs, grandpa does.

The longer the wait, the waiter is long.

If the shit moos, eat it.

Father throws farther.

Two penny crooks boil the sloth.

Shirley's not dead, Shirley can't die, tell Laverne, Lenny, Squiggy: don't cry.

A wise man sells beer, a wiser man drinks beer, the wisest man pisses beer.

It's far better to have salad tossed than to toss your salad afar.

You can take the kid out of the country, but you can't take her kidneys out through her cunt.

Don't work hard, smirk honk.

The war kills those who kill themselves.

A doctor a day keeps the dollar away.

Schtup your monkey with your mouse ears.

People who sit on crass couches shouldn't bone hos.

A penny kiestered is a penny shoved up your ass.

If you can't take the meat, don't rape the midget.

He who's half crab, grabs Ralph.

Scanectity is the anal of retention.

You can't make me vomit without taking a few meds.

To hume is arid.

The only thing you have to wear is hair itself.

Funny is the mute of boll weevils.

kick cats, dry hump and leave the wood where it warps.

Don't count your chickens before they're mashed.

You're only as old as the hills.

By numbsain

2008-10-01T16:57:00.000-07:00

I Wanted a Bag of Food

I went out last night for a bag of food. I didn't want to buy food on a plate because someone would have to ask me what I wanted, go get it and then bring it to me. Then while I was eating it they would come over and ask me a stupid question and I'd have to answer with my mouth full. They would make me pay for the food plus give them money for doing all that stuff and I couldn't afford all that. So I just wanted a bag of food.

I went to a place where they had food in bags but they weren't home. I could see the bag of food I wanted but I couldn't get to it because there was glass between me and the food. A furry thing ran by but i couldn't catch it because it ran too fast. It was like a bag of food but it was a fast bag and I wanted food that stayed still and let me eat it.

I got back in my car and drove it on a road that had other places with bags of food along the sides of it. I saw one with a person inside so I made my car go there. I stopped just before I crashed into it in a place with lines on either side of a place the size of my car. I got out and walked the rest of the way to the place with bags of food and someone home. I pulled on the glass that moved so I could get the bag of food but it didn't move anymore. I think it stops moving after it gets dark because there are more bad people around when its dark and I guess bad people take too many bags of food or something.

The person home made a gesture with his hands while looking at me. I guess that means the gesture is telling me something I'm supposed to understand. The glass was too thick for him to talk to me through and he wanted to talk to me so I went closer to him and he moved his head in a funny way. I did the same thing but he just did it again so I saw where this was going. I just said, “I want a bag of food.” He had lots of bags but he was smart and picked one for me. Then he came back and told me, “one oh ate” I said that's okay as long as there was still some in there for me. Then he just stood there looking at me and not giving me the bag.

After a while I remembered he probably wanted money. So I got some out of my pocket and he opened the drawer in front of me from inside. I knew he wanted me to put the money in it so I did. He looked at the money and said, “ate more sense.” I agreed but he just stood there. A furry thing ran by and I thought about it but it was kind of fast and I wasn't sure if I would like it so I thought, maybe he wants more money. I reached into my pocket and all I had was eight pennies. I put them all in the drawer and he gave me the bag of food. As I was about to leave he said something really strange, “Thank you come again.” I said, “I'll see, but I have to have a reason otherwise I won't.” He was already walking away.
I got in my car and started to eat the food in the bag. It was crunchy and salty but it was food so I ate it all. I didn't know what to do with the bag though. It was pretty and had lots of pictures on it so I went back over to the guy and told him to open the drawer again. When he did I gave him the bag back. It was a nice bag.

But for some reason he got mad at me and pointed his finger up and showed it to me. It was a finger so what. I showed him mine and then it got really weird. I think he said he wanted to make love to me and he thought I was his pal. People are so unpredictable sometimes.

I got back in my car and made it go toward my house. The whole time while I was turning the thing and pushing the peddles I kept thinking about the bag of food. I wished I still had it. Not the bag but the food inside. Then it hit me. It wasn't enough food. I didn't know what to do. I saw a truck with pictures on the outside of it. The pictures looked familiar, I wanted the things that the pictures were of. I pulled in front of the truck and then made my car stop quickly by stepping on that thing down there. I wanted those pictures! The driver got out and said, “Peen chay pen day ho ess too pid oh are jew kray see.” I didn't understand what he said so I said, “No ah blah ann glace,” which I didn't understand either but it worked for a guy who did that to me once.

Anyway the guy with the truck looked very confused and angry so I pointed to the picture I wanted and gave him a hundred dollar bill. He went in the truck and gave me the thing that looked like the picture and I took it and opened it and sure enough, it was what I wanted! An ice cream bar! I walked back to my car. As I made my car go away from there, I saw the guy in the truck, and I noticed he had a lot of golden teeth. He was waving to me like he liked me now. It's funny how people change…CHANGE! Suddenly I realized what I forgot!

I made my car go back and I caught up to him. I pressed the button on the door so the glass went away and said what my brother told me to say to the guy who drove a truck like that when I was a kid, “Grassy ass, seen your ass cream man!” he said, “Tay nod ah meese tore low ko green go.”

by numbsain...I'm part spanish so I can stereo kype, I mean type.

Don't forget if you don't vote for Obama you might as well shoot your own genitals off.

2008-09-29T19:00:00.000-07:00

PALINdrome: Live Evil

McCain's little token dickless Mooselini took a swipe at crime when she banned the “Rapist #1” Action Figure and streamlined the process of post-rape abuse by making rape victims not only have to carry their rapist’s babies to term, but also pay for their own“rape kits.” Here are some of the kinds of quotes we'll be hearing from stupidest candidate for vice president since…come to think of it, she's the stupidest.

“If God had meant there to be abortions he would have given my mother one.”

“There are no rapists in Alaska, It's polar bears that're doin' our gals!”

“I want to be Vice President so I can have a nuculer weapon; I can hit Russia from my house.”

Palin to new mother rape victim: “Oh look, he has his father’s criminal record!”

Palin to Gays: “What’s wrong with my butthole?”

Palin to teens: “You will abstain! Or you'll end up over my fireplace too.”

Palin to her daughter: “If you get an abortion, I’m getting one too!
I don’t care if it’s a little late.”

“Clubbing baby seals is Gods work”

“If Dick wants to shoot somebody in the face, we gots mooses”

And now for some actual (believe it or not) Palin quotes:

“As for that VP talk all the time, I'll tell you, I still can't answer that question until somebody answers for me what is it exactly that the VP does every day?”

“Pray for our military men and women who are striving to do what is right. Also, for this country, that our leaders, our national leaders, are sending soldiers out on a task that is from God. That's what we have to make sure that we're praying for, that there is a plan and that that plan is God's plan.”

SARAH PALIN IS A M.I.L.K

by numbsain...for you palin supporters: the “K” stands for kill...(you blithering idiot)

2008-09-18T09:13:00.000-07:00

Those Strange Americans
The Burps learn about hot things

Good afternoon, I’m James McQuivvers and welcome to Those Strange Americans.
Today we’ll be talking with the Burps of Crotch River Arkansas who have only just recently discovered hot things. Now Mr. Burp were you not the first to discover the phenomenon of hot things?
Mr. Burp: Nehw.
J.Q.: I’m sorry I was told that it was you who first—
Mr B.: Naw, were’nt me. Ah ain’t discovered no fuhmomanon, it were hawt thangs. Ya see, ah was in the kitchuhn and maw was cookin up a big ol’ pot o’ hawg giblets so I went right awn over thar an’ stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: And what did you feel?
Mr. B.: Hungry.
J.Q.: Yes but after you put your finger into the boiling pot what was the sensation in your finger?
Mr. B: Nothin’
BillyBob Burp: Hyik Hyik Hyik Gawl dang paw tell the man whut ya feeled! Hyik Hyik Hyuk he ain’t gawn tell ya.
J.Q.: Why won’t he tell me?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s Stewpid. But lemme tell ya he shore nuff feeled sumpin cuz he jes stood thar a hollerin’ lak a hound dawg in a bear trap, ooohWHEEE!
J.Q.: And why did he not remove his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s plum STEWPID!
JennyMay Burp: Ah ah ah ah ah tol’ him ta take it out. Ah did.
J.Q.: That was very good JennyMay. You saw your father was in pain and you told him to take his finger out of the pot?
JM.B: Nehw.
J.Q.: But I thought you said—
JM.B.: Nuh-uh, ah tol’ him cuz ah wuz ahurtin’
J.Q.: You mean you empathized, you felt your fathers pain.
JM.B.: Nehw, ah feeled MAH own pu-ayn cuz cuz cuz he done sticked heez corn cawb raht up mah pooky.
J.Q.: Oh my! Ahem well we’re supposed to be discussing things that are hot, JennyMay.
JM.B.: Well ah thunk it wuz plum disgustin’ but when they wartched the video awn the TV down at Gus’s Liquor Barn them folk thunk it was hawt.
J.Q.: If we may stay on the subject. So your father just stood there with his finger in the pot? What happened next?
BB.B.: Wayll ah done had to go awn over thar an heylp ‘eem. Cuz ah ain’t wanna seen ‘eem suffer lahk that.
J.Q.: So you removed his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I hit ‘eem wiff a eye-ron skillet over the hay-ed.
J.Q.: Oh dear wasn’t that a bit cruel to knock him unconscious like that?
BB.B.: Nehw. I ain’t hit ‘eem hard nuff ta knock ‘eem uncronchiss. Jus hard nuff so he put ‘eez hay-unds awn ‘eez hay-ed.
J.Q.: Well of course to protect his head.
BB.B.: Got ‘eez fanger outta the pot.
J.Q.: So did you all realize at that point that a boiling pot is hot?
Jimbo: Nehw. We ain’t buhlieved ‘eem.
J.Q.: So what did you do?
Jimbo: Wayll ah done wint over thar an stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: The pain must have been excruciating.
Jimbo: Nehw. It hurted.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik, yer plum STEWPID Jimbo! OoohWHEE! Yer stewpidder ‘n a possum in a moonshine barrel! Hyuk hyuk!
Jimbo: Shuddup BillyBob! Yer stewpidder ‘n a bearcat in a SEE-ment mixer.
BB.B.: Y’all take that back Jimbo! Ah ain’t neither. Buh-sides iffin it weren’t fer me y’all would still be a-sufferin.’
J.Q.: Did you take Jimbos finger out of the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I turned awf the stove.
J.Q.: But it must have taken hours to cool down. How was his finger by the time the pot cooled?
BB.B.: Tender.
J.Q.: I imagine it was more than tender.
BB.B.: Oh, it were mahty tasty too.
J.Q.: You ate his finger?!
Jimbo: Nehw. We done et awl mah fangers. BillyBob tol’ me ah wuz better awf cuz now ah ain’t has ta worry ‘bout stickin’ em in sumpin’ hot.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik ah tol’ ya he wuz plum stewpid!
Jimbo: Hey Billybob, thars one mawr fanger left. It’s mah layest one, ya wawnt it?
BB.B: Don’t mahnd iffin ah do (Chomp, crunch crunch crunch GULP!) Mm-mm that thar wuz mahty tasty. Thank yew, Jimbo...Ya STEWPID HILLBILLY! Hyik hyik hyik har har hyuk!
Jimbo: Hey BillyBob gayess whut, ah done stuck that fanger up uncle grampaw’s POOKY ‘fore ah fed it to ya! HAW HAW HAW HAR HAR! GawlEEE yer stewpid! Y’all jus’ et grampaws pooky scuzz!
BB.B.: WHUT!? AHMO GITCHOO JIMBO!
J.Q.: Well that's our show for today, time's up, cut, is the tape still rolling? Why does every show about these insipid Americans always end up a complete travesty? why do we do this show anyway?
Producer: Uh, cuz Americans lak it.
J.Q.: Why do Americans like seeing how stupid they are?
America: CUZ WE’RE PLUM STEWPID!!!!

by numbsain...an American, but at least he knows he’s stupid.

brought to you by the campaign to keep politicians with so much subconscious guilt that they are testing, much the way a two year old does, to see how far they can go before someone stops them and who are actually hoping to be punished, much the way an abused child does, seeing it as the only way to alleviate their guilt, out of office foundation.

and by the committee to keep mentally unstable torture victims who can't possibly have the ability to run a country after the kind of abuse they have endured because any psychologist knows that shit warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic, psychopathic, nazi monster, from being elected.
And that sick bitch running mate of his is the most evil wench that ever walked the earth and if you people can't see it and elect them then you deserve the nightmarish living hell they will inflict upon us.

And by the association of people who would rather evolve than devolve back to bloodthirsty barbaric hateful murdering warmongers like say oh, for instance McCain.

2008-08-21T08:09:00.000-07:00

Scat Singers are so Misunderstood

Ritzy Guissepe, trumpeter, scat singer, fatneck live at the G-spot in Manhattan.

A years worth of music lessons and many long minutes a day of pretending to practice wasn't getting me the kind of acclaim I had expected. I was pretty well known at family gatherings but Uncle Louie’s hearing aid cost me a bundle. I want the fans to pay me. Maybe it was the style of music I played, there just wasn't a big audience for scales and arpeggios.

So one evening I went to a local jazz club downtown called “The WB Club” to see the Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band. There was a line out the door and they made me pay five dollars to get in. I think Bobby gets it all cause the guy who took my money was dressed like a bum. Then when I got inside they charged me again! Anyway the band was really hot. I think that's why they didn't sound so good. Too hot in there. But It was an inspiring show, I came away thinking, "That sucked. I can do that."

So when I saw my teacher I told him about it. Goes a little something like this:

[a-one…a-two…a-one, two, mm, mm]

Me: “Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be blowin at da WB”

Teach: “Bobby who?”

Me: “Bobby Shoe.”

Teach: “Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be back?”

Me: “You bet.”

Teach: “How do da Bobby Shoe BeBop Big Band be blowin' to you?”

Me: “Boy, Bobby Shoe Bebop Band really be bad.”

Teach: “Shut up! By "bad" you mean good?”

Me: "No! By "bad" I mean "bad!" we boo'd Bobby Shoe."

Teach: “Shut up! You boo'd Bobby Shoe?”

Me: “Better believe it, boy we all had ta scoot.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Me: “Better believe it. We heard a little bit o' Bobby beat up da blues, bought a bottle o’ beer and bit the bullet but it didn't get any better. Bobby didn't even get a little itty bitty bit better and boy we boo'd.”

Teach: “Shut up! You boo'd Bobby Shoe?”

Me: “Better believe it, boy we all had ta scoot.”

Teach: “Ya had ta skeedaddle?”

Me: “Skeedaddle we did.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Me: “I bet I'd do better.”

Teach: “Better'n Bobby Shoe? Who you?”

Me: “I do. I bet I do way better bebop and I bet I get a better bebop band.”

Teach: “Bobby don't be no bum, baby. Bobby be a buddy backinna day!”

Me: “I bet I'd do better and I bet I'm gonna be bigger”

Teach: “Better'n Bobby Shoe, little ol’ you would do?”

Me: “I do. I bet I do way better bebop in a better bebop band then Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be blowin at da WBeeeeeeee.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Thank you lady and gentleman, thank you both for coming! You've been a wonderful audient. Good night mom, dad. Thanks again. Don't leave yet, I need a ride home.

Written by numbsain...ex-jazz trumpeter, composer, decomposer, arranger, rearranger, park ranger.

Brought to you by SCAT® Cat Repellant.
and by Jazz-Away! Wipes out pesky jazz musicians on contact!

2008-08-19T17:14:00.000-07:00

IT'S A TOUGH JOB BUT SOMEBODY’S GOTTA SCREW IT UP

Good Afternoon sir can I get a drink started for you.

Uh, yeah...I’ll have a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino

VENTI CAR’MEL LOW FLAT NO LIP CRAPPUCINO!

No, that’s a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino.

Yeah I know, VERY HARMFUL LOW FLAT NO CRAP LIPPUCINO! Next guest in line!

I’d like a tall soy car’mel macchiatto.

SALT TOY MARBLE SACCHIATTO! Next visitor in line please!

Wait, that wasn’t right I wanted a—

NEXT VISITOR!

It’s my turn pal! Yeah, gimme like a venti iced blended maple frappuccino

VINTAGE ICE DENTED MENTAL AL PACINO and your name sir?

Hey I didn’t order that, you said ‘vintage ice—

FOR VINNIE!

Nuh-uh my name ain’t Vinnie, It’s Paul!

MAKE THAT A TALL!

No, look mack I oughta fatten your lip
AND VINNIE ALSO WANTS A NO LOOK MACCHIATTO, LOW FAT NO WHIP!

Forget this place! C’mon Carmella!

Next family member!

Hi! I’d like a venti iced mocha frappuccino with light whip, and my name is Wanda.

WENDY DICED OKRA CLAPPUCCINO WITH NICE TITS AND WHY BLAME UGANDA

Next contestant in line!

Just a tall soy mocha frappuccino with no whip.

TOLSTOY VOCAL PALOMINO WITH GOAT LIPS! Next sacrificial virgin in line.

I’ll have a tall low fat blended acåi sorbetto.

HOLOGRAPH RENDERED SPY GUIPETTO! Next prisoner!

Yeah hey, howzit goin’ dude. (Listen dude, I gotta call you back I gotta figure out what I’m gonna order... Yeah, I love you too, dude... uh-huh, take care now bro, bye-bye)
Sorry about that dude. I was talkin on...

We know, there’s a line of people behind you.

Woah! Yer right, okay, what do I want... hmm... what do you recommend?

A black eye, two shots of espresso in a cup of drip coffee.

Awesome! gimme a black eye.

KAPOW! (flubump)

Next victim!

Hi, I’ll get the pumpkin spice low fat muffin and a tall decaffienated with a dollop of foam.

HEY AL, GET THIS PUNK A NICE BIG FAT NOTHIN‘ AND CALL ME A CAB, IT‘S LATE AND I GOTTA GO HOME!

2008-08-04T18:29:00.000-07:00

Stupid Classified Ads

Sperm Whale Seeks Ovary Whale
for dating and mating on the high seas.
Turn-ons: Sweeping the ocean floor straining krill,
Swimming 24/7, Collecting barnacles,
Turn-offs: Decaying on the beach, Trawlers nets,
Poachers harpoons, Under-aged whale bait.
I am black, weigh 17 tons, relatively attractive
(2 tons body blubber) produce up to 400 gallons
of sperm per climax.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Professional Coin Tosser Seeks Change
Bored with my career, looking to branch out into other fields such as dwarf, salad, or cookie tossing. I don't pitch, chuck or lob but I have thrown a shoe, for a loop and a hissy fit. Willing to cast pearls but not before swine. by the wayside. If you have a need for my services or know how I could catapult
myself into a new career please reply.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
2065 Ford Exaggerator for Sale
Time traveler back from the future wishes to sell vehicle
equipped to run on fuel not yet invented and designed
to travel at speeds exceeding 300 mph. V44 scramjet
engine stalls at 65mph, can't land on most driveways
and cup holders don't accommodate cups smaller than
mega gulp. Other than those problems it's a great car
at a reasonable price. $14,000,000.00 o.b.o.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Homeless Man, Seeks Overpass Without View
Unkempt transient, 45, no job, bad attitude, smells like pee
and cheap wine, seeking permanent residence under bridge or
overpass not visible from street. I like to sleep in the buff and
I'm tired of getting grappled by the jakes every time I drop trou.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Circus Clown Seeks Carpoolers to Downtown
Trying to cut gas costs of daily commute. I drive a Mini Cooper
from the West Valley to Maple St. downtown. If you would like
to save BIG $ and the environment, please reply ASAP.
Hurry—Only first 65 applicants accepted.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Aging Cowboy Wishes to Stop Aging
93 year old cattle rancher seeks young, reliable, attractive woman age 3+ to hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
For Sale: Large “For Sale” Sign
8 ft. tall by 12 ft. wide with the words “For Sale” written on it in big bold letters. Beautiful, sturdy, solidly constructed of hard wood, professionally painted. Willing to let it go cheap because of a minor typo, instead of “For Sale” it says: “I Broke My Penis” but it can be easily repaired. $100
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Tattoo Wanted
I have always wanted to get a tattoo but I've been to scared.
If anyone is interested in helping me fulfill my dream of
getting a tattoo please reply. I prefer you be light skinned
and don't mind having my tattoo put on your back and
then having a 12 inch square of skin cut off of your back.
(It's only a 10 inch square tattoo but I want a little border
on it, I think it would look nicer that way).
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I Eat Invisible Food—Care to Join Me?
I am an attractive man who enjoys romantic candle lit dinners
of invisible food. If you are an attractive woman who also likes
this please call me and I will treat you to a delicious dinner of
invisible food at the restaurant of your choice. See you at dinner time! (sex afterward required)
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Roommate Wanted
I seek a clean, friendly, roommate to share the cost of my one
bedroom, second story up-town apartment. You will have the
broom closet all to yourself. I supply two bowls of kibbles and a
clean dish of water every day. You must be okay with sitting on
my lap, fetching my slippers and going for walkies on a leash 3
times a day. Also biting (and killing, if necessary) intruders.
$500 per month including utilities. First and last months rent,
credit check and background check required to move in. No
pedigree papers necessary but must have all shots.

by numbsain...“comedy writer seeks sense of humor”

2008-07-29T07:11:00.001-07:00

Handle's Water Closet Music

performed by
John Flushman on Contrabañosita
Porter Pottier on Sewersophone

............................
............................

Jimmy Tchaikovsky's
Peepy and the Wolf

performed by
the Pedophilharmonic Orchestra

conducted by
I. Ketcham Young

Musicians
Sodolm Eisen Jr.
Chick N. Hawke
Mo Lester
Ray Putoddler
Cedusa Childe
Kitty Fondler
Shara Ladd
Boyer Little
Tina Büsser
Barney M. Posster
Buster Hyman
N. Tyson-Bratz
Stillin Dypers
Robin D. Kroedal

............................
............................

Pumps and Circumcised
Performed by
The Heashey Ensemble
with
Boyz2Girls
Eunice X
Herm Affrodite
Kris Krosdresserson

This Weekend at the Holly Wood Bowl
and at the
Bukkaki Theater

brought to you by
Numbsain...It's not over till the fat lady sits on his face!

Lowdamalarky Productions

All proceeds go to the American Priapism Foundation
Long and hard too long? Call 1-800 JACK OFF

2008-07-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

I Swear!

I went to the doctor today. I remember him saying I might have Alzheimer’s. So I guess he was wrong. I could have sworn he also said I have...SHIT! what was the name of that FUCKING disease? ...Oh, yeah Turret's. FUCKIN-A man! I swear, my luck sucks. The other day I had a sucking chest wound. That sucked big time. My grandfather came to visit me in the hospital.
I said, “Please help me grampa, it hurts!”
He said, “I can't do shit!”
I said, “Why not.”
He said, “My colostomy bag is full”
I told him, “Why don't you go blow it out yer ass, grampa!”
He said, “No asshole!”
I said, “Are you calling me an asshole?”
He said, “No, I have no asshole.”
I said, “I just chewed you a new asshole.”
He said, “Thanks a lot, you...you...”
I said, “Go ahead, call me an asshole.”
He said, “I did, he's on his way.”
Just then the asshole walks in.
I said, “Doc, you asshole, you forgot to give me my pain meds!”
The doc said, “I don't give out pain meds. The nurse does that”
I said, “Send her in!”
He said, “I can't, your not covered.”
I said, “I'm sure she's seen a naked man before.”
Anyway I fully recovered from my sucking chest wound but I met a girl in the hospital.
I asked her why she was there.
She said, “I've got acute angina.”
I said, “I'll bet you do! I've got one-eye Willy!”
She said, “Willy? Which one?”
I said, “I can take it out of it's hiding place?
She said, “An eye socket?”
I said, “You can do whatever you want with it.”
I realized after our first date she was dumber than a box of rocks.
So I married her and we were having our first kid.
“Come on Roxanne, You're gonna be late for lamaze class.”
“Oh I'm sure they won't mind if some of lamaze are a little late.
So finally she goes into labor and I lost my job. I went to the labor board and told them the situation. they suggested an abortion.
I said, “It's a little late for that, I'm thirty five.”
They said, “Not you, the baby.”
I said, “the baby's not pregnant.”
I went back to the hospital and I told them I wanted my wife to have an abortion. They told me they don't do abortions.
I said, “Can I be an organ donor?”
They said, “What organ do you want to donate?”
I said, “My wife’s uterus.”

2008-07-19T22:50:00.000-07:00

NUMBSAIN’S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH

US Government Found Not Guilty In 9/11
Startling new findings in the 9/11 investigation reveal that the twin towers actually did collapse as a result of a terrorist action by the Middle East, thus removing all suspicion of involvement on the part of the U.S. government. A recent military raid of an Iraqi home near Bagdad recovered the diary of 6 year old Saheed Momar, In which Momar admits to invoking Allah to cause the World Trade Center Towers to fall down. The entry reads as follows:
“Dear Allah, oh great and wise, please grant me my only wish in life and I will forever be your loyal servant. Please make the World Trade Center fall down as it represents the evil of the western civilization and its destruction would send a message to the evil American government that they are evil. Thanks Allah I know you won’t let me down. Sincerely Saheed”
Momar confessed to soldiers under intensive interrogation and “light to medium torture with the option to sexually abuse,” that on the morning of September 11 he wished real hard for the disaster and just moments later U.S. Government officials choreographed and executed the attack, covered up all evidence of the operation, and even falsified press releases while in a trance-like state after which they had no recollection of doing so. The president was completely unaware of his actions and helplessly under the influence of a hypnotic trance obviously induced by Momar’s powerful invocation of Allah. President Bush stated in a press conference, “One minute I was innocently finishing up my breakfast of fried babies heads and eggs and the next thing I knew I was in Florida hearing the news that I had just blown up the World Trade Center. I knew Allah had something to do with it.”

Balls Yanked
An FDA recall on Rocky Mountain Prairie Oysters has restaurants pulling their supplies as the administration disseminates new evidence that the nutty-flavored delicacy is actually the gonads of the mature male bull. A meat packing plant specializing in prairie oysters was shut down after a food inspector busted their nuts at a Chicago Bistro where they were being served. One customer had this to say, “Oh my God, you mean I’ve been eating balls? Why don’t I just go suck a cows dick fer chrissake!”

Gas Companies Invite Customers to “Come and Get It”
With gas prices going through the roof in today’s disastrous economy, Gas companies have jointly come up with a way to drop their prices down lower than they’ve been in years. All major oil companies have decided to lower the price of regular gas to $2.50 per gallon! To offer this discount they impose only one stipulation. Gas will only be sold in the state of Tennessee. The up to 1500 miles some customers must travel to fill up will offset the oil companies' losses.

Recall on Eaten Food
Some FDA approved food products which have proved to be harmless while in the package are now found to be a deadly health hazard once eaten by consumers. General Foods Inc. Has ordered a full recall on these foods, but only in their fully digested state, since before consumption they pose no health risk. General Foods Inc. Suggests rather than return the digested product, consumers should simply flush the product down the toilet immediately.

Touched By a Ten Foot Pol'
Five year old Jimmy Reese of North Carolina was lying in a hospital bed dying of an incurable disease when a miracle came and saved his life. Lech Kalinowski, a pituitary giant from Warsaw who stands ten feet in height and who was born gifted with supernatural healing abilities, visited Jimmy and laid his massive hands on the boy. The Next day Jimmy made a complete recovery. Doctors reported, “We had tried everything to save Jimmy. He was so contagious we didn't want to touch him with a ten foot pole. But ironically it took the touch of a ten foot Pol to save his life.”

Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch was brought to you by a sentimental old fool with an itchy, bleeding heart in his eye.

2008-07-12T01:00:00.000-07:00

It Ain't Good Unless You Get Caught

[SLAM]

(*sob*)

Sarah? Are you okay!?

It was h-h-h him again...

WHO!!! Who's ass am I kickin' baby? What did he do to you?

I was in the stock room up on the ladder reaching for a box off the top shelf and he came up behind and...

Are you SERIOUS!? That bastard, I'm going down there right now! What's he look like?

He's quite a bit younger than you honey?

I DON'T GIVE A DAMN IF HE'S 5 YEARS OLD, NOBODY DOES THAT TO MY GIRLFRIEND!!!! Now give me a description.

About 3 inches taller than you, a bit stockier...

I'll kill that fat pig!

He's not fat, honey. He work's out a lot! He's got brown hair and blue eyes, kind of good looking. His name is Lloyd.

Lloyd?...Well, I'm going down there right now!

Be careful honey.

[SLAM]

[Ten minutes later in the stockroom]

Lloyd? You back here!?

Over here!

There you are. How long does it take to kick someones ass?

Oh, Gee your asking the wrong fella... Maybe, ten minutes tops?!

Well then we have to hurry, take off your pants and lock the door.

Ooh! I love a bossy bottom!

(Aah!) Hey, that was pretty clever (ooh) sexually harrasing (ungh) Sarah like that, how'd ya like it?

Oh it was gross, I mean (ooh) no offense she's a lovely girl but I just don't swing that way.

Shh! Someones coming! ...Sarah! um, uh, oh, thank god you showed up. This bastard overpowered me and oh my god it was horrible what he did to me.

I'll just bet it was. You couple a nancy's don't fool me for a second. Steve, I can't believe you played me for almost a year. You're despicable! Get out!

I'm s-sorry Sarah. I don't know what to say...I...

Out!

I'm leaving...

And YOU! You're not gonna get away with this you ba—

[SLAM]

He's gone.

Are you sure?

Yeah.

Wanna kiss it.

Yes Ma'am!

Mmm! mmmMMm!

AHA! I knew you two were up to something like this! Gimme that!

Don't hurt him!

I won't... I would never hurt a wittew cutie pooty boo boo like thish. Nyo Nyever ever ever. Who'sh my good boy? Who'sh my good boy?...

Hey, c'mon Steve! That's enough...give him back.

Yeah Steve, you're getting him all wet.

No I'm not, just chill you guys—he wuvs me.

NO! Not really Steve! He wuvs me! Now GIVE HIM BACK!!

HEY,HEY, HEY! Cool out you guys yer hurting him GIMME!

[YELP!!]

(Gasp!) No you didn't just do that! You bastard! I'll KILL YOU If you so much as...

Stop! Stop it!... Allright that's it! I'm taking him right NOW!

[YELP-YELP-YELP Squeal THUD!!]

AAAAAAH! YOU IDIOTS, YOU DROPPED HIM!!!

OH MY GOD! I THINK YOU BROKE HIS LEG!

NO!! HE'S NOT MOVING!!!

OH JEEZUS HE'S DEAD!!!!

[Bam Bam Bam] What the hell's going on in there!?

oh shit! its the chief! quiet! quiet! quiet! SHHHHHHH!

It's fucking Murray! he knows we're in here!!! What the fuck are we gonna do now!

DON'T PANIC!

SHHHHHH!

SHHHH!

Don't panic. Put the dog in the file cabinet and dump all your drugs out on the counter here.

What! Are you crazy?

It's okay it'll put him off the track. He'll just punish us for doing drugs and forget all about everything else.

This better work!

Wow Sarah! What is that, a quarter ounce?

Jeezus, looks like good shit too!

ALLRIGHT WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU PEOPLE DOING BACK HERE?!

Sorry Boss.

Heh Heh, Hiya Chief.

Murray, I can explain...

YOU'RE DOING DRUGS!?!? AND HAVING SEX!?!? Without me?

Bend over Lloyd! On yer knees Sarah! And Steve you get behind me and gimme a reach around. NOW!!!

[SLAM] MURRAY PRITCHARD!!! So this is what you call a late night at the office!?

Honey! Wait I can explain everything!

I DON"T THINK SO SLAVE BOY! [RRRR-R-R-I-I-P]

Wow!

Hey nice leather Mrs. P.!

Nice Whip!!!

[WHIP-P-SSSHHH]

OH YEAH!! DO ME TOO MRS P.!!!

Oooooh it hurts so good! Harder! Harder!

Mom, Dad what are you doing and where's my puppy?

[GASP!!!]
HUH!?
Princess!?
Oh My God!
EEEEEK!

Mommy I wanna go home.

Yes princess, Yes dear, You're just having a nightmare. Close your eyes precious!

Okay mommy but first pack all that cocaine into a condom and shove it up daddy's ass. cuz dis crib is crawlin' with jakes an ahmo knuckle up fo I get mah ass gaffled all up in dis bitch

Yes Princess.

ALRIGHT FREEZE!!!

by numbsain

2008-07-04T18:05:00.000-07:00

Jiblitz & Gravy
Plumbers Union Loco 23

Jiblitz: Howdy Flushpuppies, I’m Jiblitz!

Gravy: And I’m Gravy! Weez here ta ejumacate y’all about the tiles and tubulations of plumbin’ country style.

Jiblitz: An’ we ain’t afeared ta take the plunge with a plunger and git knee-deep in shits creek!

Gravy: Now Jiblitz, mah brothers and me been plumbin’ fer pert’ near a coons age. We got on-the-john trainin’. How’d you git in the plumbin’ bidness, wud you do?

Jiblitz: Mario Brothers.

Gravy: I thought you married yo cousin’?

Jiblitz: Ain’t no law aginst it.

Gravy: Ain’t no law aginst marryin’ a nannygoat neither, but ya don’t do that do ya?

Jiblitz: Na- a- a- a- ah, but mah daddy did.

Gravy: Oh you kid. Now lets just answer a few questions from our viewers.
Whaddaya do about a stuck faurcet?

Jiblitz: Just force it.

Gravy: How bout a leaky seal?

Jiblitz: Club it.

Gravy: An’ iffin yer tub needs caulkin’?

Jiblitz: Call Macauley.

Gravy: Ever had a ruptured boiler?

Jiblitz: Heck no, I had it lanced before it ruptured

Gravy: Rusty fixtures?

Jiblitz: No, the doc fixed mine. Rusty wun’t around.

Gravy: John overflow?

Jiblitz: Naw, he still can’t git over that gal.

Gravy: Sewer back-up?

Jiblitz: I hope not, Sue’s HIS back-up.

Gravy: Now how d’ya de-stenchify a stinky porta-potty?

Jiblitz: Ya need porta-pot-pouree.

Gravy: Alright. How’d ya learn all that, Jiblitz?

Jiblitz: From readin’ this here Plumbers Magazine.

Gravy: Jiblitz, that says ‘Plumpers’ not ‘Plumbers.’

Jiblitz: No wonder it ain’t got nuthin but big fat nekkid heifers in it. Looky here!

Gravy: Great humpin’ ja-blowzafat! Them’s some tiggity ol’ biggitys! Turn the page! Turn the page!...HOLY BAJEEMINY!!! They’d never find ya! Gaw-leee, the good lord sure knows how ta dish up some sin don’t he?

Jiblitz: Must be margarine ‘cause butter don’t spread like that!

Gravy: Whew! Okay, nuff o’ that. Lets go inside an’ have a looksee at the lavatory.

Jiblitz: Yes master Gravenstien, to the lavatory.

Gravy: Now don’t get too eager, Igor.

Jiblitz: No Master Gravenstien.

Gravy: Gad Blastard, Jiblitz! I got a leak!

Jiblitz: Ah told ya to go before the show.

Gravy: Hand me that pipe dope!

Jiblitz: Whudjoo call me?

Gravy: Not you, ya cow poke, the pipe dope! I gotta cracked pipe under the sink

Jiblitz: Ah told ya; just say no, Gravy.

Gravy: Not a crack pipe, a cracked pipe! now pipe down ya crack pot.

Jiblitz: Uh, Gravy, we got a bigger problem.

Gravy: Clog in the sewer?

Jiblitz: Naw, but I think I dropped one o’ mah tennies down there.

Gravy: Broken water main?

Jiblitz: I ain’t even preggars, man.

Gravy: Am ah showin’ plumbers crack?

Jiblitz: Ya were, but I used my caulk gun on it.

Gravy: Well then what’s the problem?

Jiblitz: Weez outta time Gravy.

Gravy: Well flush my britches and snake mah brain! Remember folks: Just say no to Drain-NO!

Jiblitz & Gravy wuz brang to ya by...

Barney’s Back-hoes...If yer hoe aint dirty, yer back 30 ain’t purty!
Ezekials Gourmet Pig Slop Bistro...Pigs oink for it!
Cleavon’s Bull-kakki Jizzateria...Nuttin’ but the best!
Melvis’ Geld n’ Go...Free set o’ Prairie Oysters with every Castration!

by numbsain

2008-07-02T14:31:00.000-07:00

Justin & Amber Visit the Future!

Tourguide: Hi, my name is Triscuit and I’ll be your tour guide. Welcome to the Twenty Third Century—The Shopping Age. We’ll start the tour at Abercrombe & Fitch where we’ll groom you and dress you in the latest accessories so you’ll fit in. Step on the red squares please.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: W-what just happened?

Triscuit: You just transcommuted 200 miles to the Abercrombe & Fitch Beauty Megaplex. First, take off those old-fashioned granny clothes and put these on.

Amber: On what? there isn’t enough material here to cover my birthmark.

Triscuit: Oh don’t worry, here in the future medical science has eliminated sexual diseases and all breeding is done by automation so it’s no longer necessary to hide our sexual parts. Modesty is a thing of the past.

Justin: I don’t know about this honey, I think they’re perverts.

Triscuit: Perverts? Are you two perverts? Great! You’ll love the new Sexual Perversion Center!

[bzzzzt]

Triscuit: Welcome to “Disney’s World of Freaky Fucking!” C’mon in and we'll slip you a Mickey!

Amber: Ew! That’s the sickest thing I’ve ever seen the Seven Dwarfs do.

Triscuit: Oh that’s just the kiddie section, You'll probably want to try the new, “Dumbo; Take It All Bitch!” ride or “Bust a Nut” with Chip and Dale. Look! You can even take a flying fuck with Woody Woodpecker!

Justin: No that’s okay, we’re not perverts.

Triscuit: Oh, I’m sorry, the little guys not working so well? We can get you up in no time.

Justin: Hey get your hands off my...

Amber: Yeah, Cheez-it. Get your hands off his...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: Oh there’s the lunch bell, Hungry?

Justin: Uh, yeah, I guess so.

Amber: Sure.

Triscuit: Here you go, one for you and one for you. Oh, and this is for little Justin.

Justin: (gulp) Woah! Uh, I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before.

Amber: Honey stop that! You’re embarrasing us.

Justin: I can’t help it, I think it was that pill.

Triscuit: If you’re not ready to use it yet just slip this over it.

Justin: Th-Thanks.

Amber: What’s this pill for?

Triscuit: It’s lunch.

Justin: (Gulp)

Amber: (Gulp) ...That was it? That wasn’t very enjoyable.

Triscuit: Oh, you want enjoyment? You’ll love the “Jolly Rancher Enjoyment Center’s Flavorama Hypertongue Lounge!” Let’s go! Step—

Justin: I know, the red squares

[bzzzzt]

Amber: Ew, honey. What’s going on here?

Justin: You think I know? Uh, miss why are all those people sticking their tongues out at us?

Amber: Yeah and that guys sticking out his...

[DING-A-LING]

Triscuit: Step back please! They’re not sticking them out at us, this is Skittlesville!

[ZWO-O-O-OSH-SH-SHHH]

Justin: What the hell was that?!

Triscuit: Those colors that just went by? Those people just tasted the rainbow.
And she’s one of the skittleskilled specialists giving that guy a rainbow job!

Justin: Hey I wanna...

Amber: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Oh you don’t have to be such an uptight bitch miss. This is the Enjoyment Center!

Amber: What?! No she didn’t just call me a...

Justin: Hey, I thought you said we could enjoy our lunch here.

Triscuit: Sure right this way... here we are, have a seat. Here’s the menu.

Justin: Wow, it’s huge! Look at all this stuff! Huh?! Why is their a foot on here? And a pair of panties?

Triscuit: You can enjoy the taste of just about anything here.

Amber: Oh my god? It’s a giant...

[DING DONG]

Triscuit: That’s the dinner bell!

Justin: Uh, I’m not hungry anymore.

Amber: Actually I wouldn’t mind trying the giant...

Justin: Don’t even think about it, honey!

Triscuit: Well there’s plenty more to enjoy at the Enjoyment Center!

Justin: I think I’d rather just take a nap. Can you tell us where our hotel room is?

Triscuit: Sure, you’re staying at the Cloud Nine. Ready?

Justin: Uh-huh, (yawn)

[bzzzzzt]

Concierge: Welcome to the Cloud Nine. Sucking or Non-Sucking?

Justin: What do you mean?

Concierge: The Cloud Nine features Sucking Rooms where you’re in a constant vacuum. All your bodily emissions are immediately sucked away and you never have to go to the bathroom!

Justin: That sounds weird, Non-Sucking.

Concierge: Certainly, now if you use the auto sleep feature, be sure you’re lying down when you push the button. Would you like your entertainment center plugged right in to your visual cortex?

Amber: Okay, I guess.

Concierge: Your room is ready. Step on the red square.

[bzzzzt]

Justin: I’m gonna push the sleep button honey, I’m bushed.
Good ni—

[ding] [flump!]

Amber: Gee I’m not tired. I wonder if they have a gym. Oh here we go. I’ll just push “workout.”

[ding]

[please lay down to commence full body aerobic workout.]

Amber: Okay now what? Aa-a-a-a! W-wh-a-a-t’s ha-a-a-ap-p-p-en-i-ing?-?

[Workout complete. Ten thousand calories burned. Eight pounds lost. please consume the post-work-out dietary pill on the night stand to your left. Thank you.]

[later that night]

Justin: (Yawn) Wow, I feel totally rested and only 3 hours have gone by! He-e-y, Amber looks hot laying there asleep on the bed. I sure could go for a quickie right now...

[Please place penis in the Quickiemate receptacle to your left]

Justin: Huh? Hmmm, why not? Aah!...Oh yeah! Oh my God Yeah! YESSSS!!!

Amber: Having fun?

Justin: AMBER! This is not what it looks like. The Quickiemate means nothing to me.

Amber: I’m not speaking to you!

Justin: But, but, ...Quickiemate, tell her!

Quickiemate: [I’m not speaking to you either]

By numbsain.

2008-06-18T18:02:00.000-07:00

ZooBreak
Episode 2—the actual escape itself

If you missed the first episode of “Zoobreak” here's a link:
Zoobreak 1

In the last episode, the members of the Unwillingly Relocated Animals Brigade of the East African Serengeti Territory (U.R.A.B.E.A.S.T.) (okay it's a stretch but it's not a bad anagram for a bunch of animals) were planning their escape from the Bronx Zoo. Despite some differences among themselves, they managed to formulate a pretty decent plan to free themselves from captivity. Getting back to East Africa was going to be a little trickier.

Baboon: Okay, huddle up animals! Mr. Potamus brings up a good point. I figure we head for the Queen Elizabeth.

Hippo: Duh... but how can she help?

Elephant: He's talkin' about the boat.

Crocodile: Lovely! I've always wanted to experience the luxury of an ocean liner cruise!

Baboon: Well I don't think Tom Jones is gonna be performing in the Sea Breeze Lounge but if we can get to the docks early enough, you carnivores can make a light breakfast of the crew and we can weigh anchor before the coast guard even knows what happened. but we're gonna have to travel about 20 mph to get to the boat on time.

Hippo: Duh-uh-oh! My top speed is 3 mph. Just go on ahead without me. I don't mind being gawked at by humans for the rest of my life.

Lioness: Aw see that ain't right. We can't just leave him here. I’ve got an idea. I think I know of a way for Mr. Potamus to travel first class! By plane!

Hyenas: Ha-ha-ha Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha!

Lioness: What is so DAMN funny!?

Hyenas: Nothin'! We're laughing hyenas, it's just what we do. tee-hee, giggle...

Lioness: Oh! ...Alright then, as I was saying; Now ya'll seen that big fat human female got the TV show...wusser name? Oh yeah, Oprah! Well, me an my homegirls here are gonna give Mr. Potamus a MAKE OVER and we'll pass him off as Oprah!!!

Hyenas: HAHAHAHA!! HAW HAW HO HO HO HEE HEE (gasp) Guffaw-haw-haw Ho-o-o-owl-l Har-har Hyuk-yuk-yuk! Hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hee-hee Ha-ha... ha... hee... hee... (gulp) What?

Lioness: (SMACK!!!) And don't be tryin’ a play dat; "it's what we do" routine with ME! Now go scavenge some purses. We need air fare for Mr. Oprahpotamus.

Hyenas: Hng!... Hng!

Lioness: You laugh an' it'll be your last laugh.

[Later]

Baboon: Now how are we going to explain to the zookeeper why Oprah's in the Hippo's cage?

Lioness: He does look pretty damn good, don't he?

Elephant: I know I'll regret saying this, but humans are so dumb, I bet we could all pass for 'em.

Lionesses: Uh wa-a-ait a minute. What human are you gonna be? / Yeah it would have to be a behemoth of a human, no offense... ahem...

Gorilla: Oh! who's that one on TV? Sally Struthers!

Baboon: Do any of you apes know how to play instruments?

Chimps: No.

Baboon: Great! you can be Big Bad Voodoo Daddy. And let’s see, long face, long face...Got it! Two zebras can be Joan Rivers and that butt ugly daughter of hers. And one of you can be ex-presidential candidate, John Kerry.

Chimp: Speaking of presidents, Who does this look like?

Cheetah: GotDAMN that’s ugly! But you do look exactly like him.

Baboon: You dopes, George W. Bush has his own private jet, it won’t work.

Macaw: Okay, picture me with a little goatee and a guitar.

Baboon: Prince. You got it.

Gorilla: I jutht got a totally ludicrouth idear, it’th tho ludicrouth, it jutht might woik...

Baboon: Mike Tyson. Perfect! Alright, the rest of us can all go as contestants on “The Price Is Right.” That show is a zoo anyway.

[Three weeks later]

Baboon: I can’t believe we all made it! Except for...where’s Mr. Potamus?

Elephant: Oh, he got called back to the set to tape another show.

[Later on the news]

Anchor: Well, more news about Oprah. Suddenly, she’s become very involved in the animal rights movement. She’s donating all her wealth to improve habitat conditions in zoos all over the world. It also looks like she’s changed her appearance again. She seems to have lost a lot of weight.

2008-06-15T21:12:00.000-07:00

Top ten worst Father’s Day gifts

10. The finger of one of your children from a kidnapper.
9. A DNA test proving you're a father.
8. A summons for overdue child support payments.
7. An XXX video starring your daughter.
6. An XXX video starring your son.
5. An XXX video starring you and your daughter.
4. An XXX video starring you and your son
3. An XXX video starring you, your son, your daughter and your baby mama.
2. An XXX video starring you, your son, your daughter, your baby mama and a mule.
1. An XXX video starring you, your son, your daughter, your baby mama and a mule delivered by the local vice squad with a free pair of handcuffs.

2008-06-10T00:41:00.000-07:00

The U-Men

From the ghettos of the X-Universe come the U-Men. Some are ex-X-Men who were exiled, some were exed after the auditions, some never even tried out for the part. These are the U-Men. U doesn't stand for anything but neither does X.

Hibernator
His super power is his ability sleep off drug binges and come back to life as mentally acute as he’s ever been. He once slept for a month after securing residence at an apartment he was supposed to maintain while the tenants were on vacation. When they returned, all the plants and animals were dead. but amazingly he slept right through the dog gnawing all the toes off of his left foot!

The Orifice
One of the most awesome and powerful of the U-Men, also called the “Mayonnaise Jar” she takes on even the largest of opponents, and several at a time, completely swallowing them up never to be seen again—they don’t even call! The Orifice fills her days with seeking fresh meat and herself with anything she can find.

Half-Nelson
It is impossible to injure, break or harm his legs in any way. Not because they’re indestructible, because he doesn’t have any. There is an ongoing debate as to whether he is a true U-Man and not just a paraplegic as he was not born a mutant but simply had a hemi-corporectomy after a skiing accident.

Ovaltine
This obese U-Man was dubbed Ovaltine for his ability to consume victuals at an alarming rate and his favorite is to guzzle copious amounts of rich, chocolatey Ovaltine often depleting whole grocery store supplies...Wait a minute! He’s not a freaking U-Man he’s just a big fat pig!

The Vortex
This spinning spiraling creature possesses the uncanny power to twirl and twist matter into a vortex and thus make it disappear completely without a trace. Actually he’s mostly done it with fecal matter although he did flush a few small animals down the swirling porcelain vortex.

The Cheek
I know what you’re thinking; “that’s not a super power, having a really big cheek” Yes, but when he forages for berries and twigs in the warm summer months, he can store them in his cheek pouch for the long winter months to come. It’s all part of the natural ecosystem in our Wild America!

The Disbeliever
Completely impervious to indoctrination, propaganda, subliminal messages or brainwashing of any kind, This U-woman is chronically skeptical and always bears a look of disbelief. This Doubting Thomasina is so wary of everything that she often looks in the mirror just to make sure she really exists.

Beaver
Able to fell mighty saplings with just 8,465 gnaws of her powerful choppers, (it would take the average person 453,098 gnaws), she suffers from chronic TMJ from chewing all that wood, but on the up side, she has amazingly powerful jaws and if she wanted to she could pull a small trailer with her teeth. She just doesn’t want to because her TMJ hurts too much not to mention there are a lot better ways to pull a trailer.

2008-06-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

30 More Worst Dog Names

With the war in the Middle East, global warming, the recession in America and all the other problems of the world, it's easy to understand why first and foremost on everyones mind is bad dog names. We receive thousands of hits a week on our worst dog name lists. So to keep you up to date on the latest and greatest of the worst, here's another list of canine appellations for your perusal:

1. Lowball
2. Sickemore
3. Kfetch
4. Scruda (pooch)
5. Poopalong Assidy
6. Güten Dog
7. Robin Leash
8. B. Wairov
9. Grey Poop-on
10. Fantsy Pants
11. Half-Ghan
12. French Puddle
13. Grrrtrude
14. Snoop-poopy-doop
15. Scoopy-doo
16. Thong-tongue-sniffer
17. Puccinelli
18. Coochie-Pooch
19. Wag-ner
20. Tail-or
21. Lost 'n' Hound
22. Ruff-neck
24. Kibbler Arf
25. Uncat
26. Drool Hairymore
27. Curbier
28. Walky Balboa
29. Bob Barker
30. William Tail

By Numbsain...“the worlds leading authority on whatever is on his mind.”

2008-06-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

Wachieu Ouil'ite

I had dinner at one of those ultra-snooty, fru-fru, hoity toity, fancy schmancy restaurants the other day. One of those places where they give you seventeen forks, I guess to make sure nobody eats with their hands. And the food is stacked so tall you have to carefully deconstruct it like JENGA© before eating it. There's a guy in the bathroom that dispenses everything for you and wipes down the urinal after you pee. You order a steak and they let you choose the steer you want it butchered from. They had a pond which could be seen from the window near our table. It was full of swans and flamingos and anytime anyone ordered fowl of any kind, a person could be seen abducting one of them. Closer inspection revealed they were being released back into the pond just out of view. but the funniest thing about this place was the menu. It read something like this:

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Le Salad Course
Fresh Wildcrafted Certified Organic; Baby Escarole Leaves, Baby Arugula Leaves, Baby Butter Lettuce, Broken Hearts of Romaine, Baby Endive Sloops, Pre-Pubescent Spinach Leaves, Adolescent Mescul Lettuce Leaves, Adult Kohlrabi Sprigs, Elderly Basil Leaves, Geriatric Radicchio, Aloda Cabbage, Nasturtium Petals and Gotumai Head Lettuce.
Lavishly Embellished with:
Julienne of; Red, Green, Mauve, Taupe and Plaid Peppers, Rednecked Jicama, Wild Rock Beet, Spring Leek, Knottnessa Celery, Parisian Parsnip, Bung Mean Sprouts and Blanched Sunflower Seeds.
Heirloom Tomatoes; Cuore Di Toro, Bloody Butcher, Lady-of-the Evening and Roma Eleganté.
Wild and Subdued Mushrooms; Portlibelli, Phuket Shitake, Asian Pagoda Mildew, Chantrelles, Costa Fortuna Truffles, Verriag Spencif Truffles, Cantefordese Truffles.
Forest Greens; Baby Birch Fipples, Elkhorn Pine Twirlies, Marinated Briar Thorns. Fir Kazoos
Masterfully Accentuated with;
Dam Gouda Cheese, Steen Keiffete Cheese, Aged Imported Swiss Velveeta, French Poodle Chevre, Icelandic Brazil Nuts, Rainbow Sprinkles, Crack Horehound Pepper, Cubes of Very Stale Bread.
Tossed About Haphazardly in a Dressing of;
Balsamic Vinegar, Ultra Virgin Olive Oil, Pennzoil 10-30, Imitation Pure Beluga Caviar, Pure Cold-Pressed Oil of Olay, Essence of Spam Extract, Land Salt, Aero Salt, Assorted Unknown Herbs, Nak-Nak Powder, Cumin Powder, Lemmein Juice, No. Havana Key Lime Juice, Diced Rolaids and MSG.

If you are an octogenarian, ask about our other salad choices.

Le Pasta Course
Thirteen-Foot Verrilonguini Pasta Crocheted into a Pleated Chenille Afghan and Matching Neck Warmer. Drizzled with; Everglades Crocodile Based Mesquite Roasted Tarantula Leg Carbonara .
Promiscuously Intermingled with; Jerked Tibetan Oxtail simmered in a Moose Gristle Broth Reduction and Fuji Apple Jack.

Le Entree Course
Free-Range Spoon-fed Kobe Lobster Tails enveloped in a Bottle-Raised Egyptian Green Falafel Crust.
Fatally Suffocated in; a Sesame Tahini, Teriyaki, Tiziki, Tandoori, Tumany Tutaistany Sauce.
Brilliantly Dazzled with; Lightly Seasoned Bread Crumbs and Various Sweepings from the Kitchen Floor

Supportively Accompanied by;
Savory Baked Alaska of Dorset Horned Sheep Cheese Ice Cream with Peacock Egg Merengue over a Savory Veal Molé Brownie.

With Special Guest Side Dish Cameo Appearance;
Russet Potato Jacket Stuffed with a different Russet Potato, Shucked Chives, Sour Créme Not-So Fraiche, with Wild Boar Proscuitto Sleeves & Collar, Ostrich Breast Filled Ravioli Buttons.

Dessert Course
Criminally Decadent, Perversely Overindulgent, Deleriously Demented Quintuple Chocolate Psychosis Cake. Completely Deluged with Octuple Fudge Butter Cream Icing.

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By numbsain

2008-05-31T07:47:00.000-07:00

Numbsain Speaks Frankly on
Raising Children

The First Day: it was excruciating but now the payoff
Bringing a beautiful newborn baby into the world is the stupidest decision a woman can make. But unfortunately, you've done it and there's no putting it back. Abortion is no longer an option and chances are, it's alive. It has feelings, needs, demands and it wasn't born yesterday (not yet anyway), it knows who's responsible. You are. It also knows that there are laws about not giving it what it wants and it will manipulate you accordingly. First thing you have to do is feed it. You panic because you have no idea how. The local market doesn't have Purina Baby Chow and it has no teeth anyway. Relax. No, you don't have to regurgitate predigested worms into its mouth. Just do what you do to shut any adult male up, whip out your funbags. There is no need to be coy about it and sexy strip tease moves are inappropriate. Just shove the tit into the brats mouth and your done...except now you have a thing hanging from your tit.

Crying: a cry for help disguised as crying
You've gotten past the first hurdle—now's the fun part. That unappreciative little bastard is crying incessantly. “Where did I go wrong?” you may ask. You're an idiot. You put stuff into your child, of course it's going to come back out, and smelling a lot worse. You probably wrapped it up in that new blanket you bought thinking it will keep your baby warm and cozy for years. Throw it away, it's got poop all over it because you forgot to diaper your child. So you put it in the bathroom and tell the disgusting thing to clean itself, for gods sake. Sorry! It can't, you have to. Children are an excellent source of poop, pee, drool, snot, vomit and noise. Get used to it. You'll have an abundance of these for the next few years.

The #@!*% Twos: @#%#^@&*
You haven't had a good nights sleep because of that miniature slave driver demanding something every ten minutes, but at least you can tell it off and it won't talk back. Sorry, that's over now too, along with all your other pleasures in life. It talks now. Not only that, it's incredibly stupid and chatters about the dumbest things all day long. It will repeat everything you say at the most inappropriate times, tell everyone all your secrets, and complain about everything you do. What's worse, it doesn't know what anything is and it will ask you a thousand questions, never understanding any answer you give. When it runs out of questions, it will sit there and ask “why?” until you say “Because I said so, Dammit!” And then it will ask, “why did you said so dammit, mommy?” But you still can't kill it.

Abuse & Neglect: when is it necessary?
Always. You will find it absolutely necessary to beat your child and leave it in the car with the windows rolled up just to maintain your own sanity. Unfortunately it will only make your child worse. If you kill it, you're in trouble, if you abuse it, you're in trouble and if you don't get caught, you will simply have to deal with your own homegrown co-dependent sociopath for the rest of your life. Yes, abusing and neglecting children only turns them into lifelong con artists. Because they were taught at an early age that their needs will not be met by simply asking, they will make a lifelong career out of conning, scamming, manipulating, coercing, tricking and duping others into doing what they want. And they will become experts at it. At best, abusing your child-monster will turn it into a liar, a cheater, a compulsive addict, and a social misfit. At worst, a felon, a psychopath or a serial killer. And they don't make scholastic achievement bumper stickers for those things.

School Days: a slight reprieve just to remind you what you've lost.
You've gotten this far and you've managed to refrain from doing any irreversible damage to your devil's spawn. Now, finally it gets better. You get to ship them off to school for 6 hours a day. Six glorious hours of peace and quiet, doing all the things you used to do. Like dating and flirting and getting laid. Only one little problem. You've gained 40 pounds and you look like shit. So you lower your standards and increase your opportunities. You go to the grocery store in a miniskirt with no panties and flash the bag boy until he gives you a two minute roll in the shopping cart. Then it's time to pick up your little Nazi from school. Maybe it had a good experience and did well in the educational system. The child will become judgmental and preachy with you or even turn you in to the police for something you had in your sock drawer. Or maybe it had a bad experience in school and you have to console and comfort the insolent pest, even convince it to go back tomorrow for more of the same.

Puberty: natures way of saying, “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha FUCK YOU!!!”
Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse, you realize that this unbearable hell that now comprises your life is nothing more than a supreme test. The job now is to desensitize yourself enough to cope with what seems like an endless downward spiral toward your slow torturous grueling death. Now you must compete with your child for the things you want. Except they are far better at getting those things than you are. They snatch them right out from under your nose and then taunt you with them. Not only that, they won't have a clue what to do with it once they've got it. So they'll just waste precious resources and nobody will get to screw the bag boy.

Your Child is an Adult: and pigs are flying out of my ass
Thank god it's over. You've raised your child and it's depleted you of every ounce of motivation, drive and strength you had. At least now you can start over from scratch. With your expectations lowered to about 5 percent of what you once hoped for in life, you now have the time and peace of mind to enjoy what little is left of your sorry existence. But wait! Something is terribly wrong! They haven't left! It seems you haven't done enough, haven't torn enough flesh from your body to be granted the right to shove this horrible mistake out the door for it to fend for itself. It's helpless and useless and it's clinging on to you for dear life! It's, and yours. You go to the closet for the shotgun feeling somehow comforted by the fact of finally having the resolve to do what you've been considering for all these years. You slowly raise the barrel to your mouth and in walks shithead. Your beloved offspring grabs the gun and after taking your entire life away from you, takes your death as well. You are now a walking zombie. You know nothing, you feel nothing, you say nothing. You return to the routine of everyday life, going through the motions mindlessly waiting for a terminal illness to mercifully end the abysmal doldrums.

Your Child is in its 30's: you've arrived at inner peace, who would have thunk it?
Well, the walking death that has been your life experience for the past ten years has seasoned you. Somehow from this whole sordid affair you've learned the supreme lesson of acceptance. A total letting go of the ego. Fear is no longer an issue because you've had the worst already. Now you look back and marvel at how easy it all could have been if you only knew then what you know now. The car stops, your child gets out of the drivers seat and politely walks around to the other side to let you out. The two of you walk hand in hand up to the large stone building and the doctor and a nurse escort you in to your ward where you will be monitored closely for any signs of enlightenment which, if detected, will be quickly squelched with medication. Sweet dreams.

By Numbsain...a guy who's been there and back and forgot his underpants

Brought to you by:
Johnsons Baby Oil...coldpressed, made from 100% organic babies.
Uglies Pull-Off Diaper...for kids who just never stop shitting themselves.
Baby-be-Gone...instant baby repellant spray

2008-05-29T19:29:00.000-07:00

Bad Botany:
numbsain reviews phytoliterary phailures

Review: Growth in my Bloomers
With so many badly written books about botany on the market today, It's easy to write about the subject. That's why I write bad botanical literature reviews exclusively. Today I'll be puttering around the pages of a book by Dr. Phil A. Dendron best known for his groundbreaking work, "A Spry Sprout Sprung in Spring" in which he psychically channels the thoughts of a seedling throughout it's one inch journey to the surface of the "growing medium" which is what Dr. Dendron is often referred to as, (but his wife Rhoda Dendron just treats him like dirt!)

That was a little phyto-humor! My friends often tell me: "Manure too mulch! for peets sake, grow up!" Anyway, in Dr. Dendrons latest offering, "Growth in my Bloomers" the entire plant kingdom is broken down into four categories:

#1. Plants that have prickly stuff on them
#2. plants that are poisonous
#3. plants that are more than ten feet tall
#4. plants that bite.

By sub-grouping all plants into these four catagories you eliminate almost half of them thereby making the whole science of agrobotanophytovegetology a lot simpler to learn than it is to say. The author explains that one can, right off the bat, forget about category #3, plants that are more than ten feet tall, because it consists of only trees and they fall under the category of arborism which is covered in Dr. Dendrons book "An Act of Arborism." A sad story about the authors parents who were killed by a falling tree.

He then explains that category #2, plants that are poisonous, are not necessary to learn because they don't really work (which is why he had to resort to the falling tree). Which leaves categories 1 and 4, the latter of which consists of venus fly traps and have you ever felt the teeth on those things? They couldn't hurt a fly. So all you really need to know about are the following plants:

Stinging Nettles (Ouchus Sonovabitchium)
Tulips (Labia Tuovum)
Ugly Crocuses (Bloomania Tubaggerensis)
Pineapple Upside-Down Vine (Fruitus Bassakwardium)
Itching Irises (Eyecolorus Scratchis)
Dick Cactus (Prickelia Prickabonar)
Forget-me-lots (Remembrus Writemdownsis)
Umbrella Flowers (Rainidaseum smellus gudis)
Crotchless Pantybane (Secretus Victorialis)
Knishwort (Noshus Yiddensis)
Icky Sorrel (Grosselium Disgusticum)
Nasty Stershums (Nasturtius Yellowishus)
Grinchberries (Seusseus Stolchrismasum)
Prickpoke (Penetratus Ouchius)
Lacerated Lilac (Laceratus Fibnotium)
Asskissel (Brownosius Smoochum)
Not-so-niceweed (Sidewalkus Crackis Meanius)
Taserwillow (Zapus Arboretus)
Saul Paul Meadow Flower (Twoguyzum Inafeildus)

They're easy to learn by remembering the phrase spelled by the first letters of each. In summary, or in wintery, springery and fallery, I highly recommend this book for kindling or for paper training your doberman. (It's also available in paperback if you have a miniature doberman.) But if you're a garden variety gardener you'll find this book to be a leafspring of misinformation and a boon to the layman who wants to fail at gardening.

Review: The Solar Power Plant
Meg Nolia and Mary Gold collaborate on this thoroughly insipid waste of paper which explores the outer surface of a mind-numbingly vapid subject; the relationship between plant and sun.The 300 page book even includes excerpts of dialogue and cute quotes from the seedling itself: "I love you sun, I wish I could be close to you and snuggle with you.” “At five million degrees kelvin, I hope there are some rastafarians around to smoke your sorry ass you green moron.” Etc. The whole book is chock full of drivel like this and I keep it in my bathroom at all times. I'm almost finished with the book already since I had a bad case of the runs last week. It's high quality printing on 10 pound uncoated stock is perfect for tough clean-ups and the hard cover makes an excellent table leg shim.

So remember, when looking for a book on the subject, make sure they're about vegetables, not written by them. Check with my reviews column to help weed out the compost filler before you plunk down the lettuce. by numbsain

Numbsain is the world's foremost authority on bad writing and has been bad-rapping, lambasting, and providing harsh, non-constructive criticizm to bad writers for over 10 years.

2008-05-26T04:18:00.000-07:00

ASK REV. NUMBSAIN
Advice for the Chronically Religious

Dear numbsain,
My husband and I are trying to have a child but we’ve been unsuccessful. We’re Amish and I think our strict rules about bedroom activities may be the reason Belyle isn’t getting, uh, in the mood. Normally we remain fully clothed but we wear special attire which allows that sort of thing. I was wondering if you had any ideas about how I could spice things up in the bedroom so Belyle can get more, well, ready.

Covered Head to Toe

Dear Head,
Your husband does not need you to spice things up to get an erection. The rules of your religion have worked for generations and there’s no reason to change them. Tell him to think of the glory of God. That should get him stiff as a rock. If not, you might try getting a strap-on and giving it to him in the apse before the eyes of god. Does your religion say anything about nipple clamps? Just a thought.

Dear numbsain,
I am a three time born again Christian and I have been using a lot of self help techniques and positive affirmations to stop feeling like such a worthless piece of trash but I’m so dense that it’s not working. I know this is a stupid question because my mom tells me I’ve always been stupid. I’m such an idiot for believing her, but my stupid question is, am I really just being a moron for trying to use self help when I’m obviously hopeless?

Not so bad really

Dear bad,
Try this positive affirmation; “I’m not a worthless piece of shit, I’m stupid for thinking I am” and just repeat that over and over until you get it through your thick skull. Just kidding! Okay here’s what you have to do. Get two pieces of wire and and stick one in each ear. Take the loose ends and insert them into a power outlet. This should wipe your brain clean. When you’re back to “mama,” then talk to me.

Dear numbsain,
We’re Jehovah’s witnesses and the other day we were going door to door proselytizing to strangers. One man opened the door and we went inside only to find that he was not wearing any trousers and standing at attention! I knew what was going to happen next so I rushed the children out the door and distracted the man while they escaped. I flung myself onto his bulging male member and pummeled it with my loins until it was unable to do any harm. Do you think I committed a sin? I was only thinking of the children.

Good Samaritan

Dear Samaritan,

That was you?! HA-hahahahaha Yeah! When you comin’ back baby? You were awesome!

Dear numbsain,
I was raised Mormon and Mormon is the best religion of all. We’re the most informed and the most intelligent. We even have our own book. So why am I a 45 year old virgin and I’ve never even seen my own vagina?

George the Mormon

Dear George the Moron,
The lord works in mysterious ways.

Dear numbsain,
My family is Catholic. People say Catholic women are promiscuous, slutty and get pregnant too young. That’s a stereotype and not all Catholic women are like that. I have a beautiful daughter who just had her Basmitsvah! I’m glad I didn’t make the same mistake my mother did having me when she was 14. I feel bad for my mom because now she’s 39 and she looks old.

Know Better

Dear No Better,
You blithering idiot, obviously you were not able to complete junior high due to pregnancy, otherwise you would know that you not only revealed to me that you had your child when you were 12, further evidence that Catholics are sluts, but also that you’re actually Jewish! Which means...Hey! O-o-o-oh, I get it. You think your slick, making an anti-Semitic statement to divert the attention off of Catholics.

Dear numbsain,
If a Seventh Day Adventist sang “Six Days on the Road” with Johnny Cash, but the bank put a Five Day Hold on a check over a Four Day Weekend, then he had Three Day Blinds shipped Second Day Air, how many One A Day multiple vitamins should he take?

Latter Day Saint

Dear Latter Days Ain’t,
Unless you’re Zero Mostel, blast off!

Dear numbsain,
What is the difference between a Catholic Priest and acne?

Bobby (12 years old),

Dear Bobby,
Acne won't come on your face until your thirteen.

The Good Reverend Dr. Numbsain's Uplifting Sermons can be heard every Sunday at the Academy of Our Lord Father of the Holy Penetration of the Immaculate Vagina Academy. Late Night Bible Study & Massage Workshop at the Divine Mother Chorizo of the Crispy Genitals Ministry on Wheels. Every 7th Sunday at the Burning Bookmobile Traveling Snake-Oil Sermonette or Online at the I-vangelist Herpes Heal-A-Thon @ www.bareyoursorestogod.com or www.godorrhea.swollen.org

2008-05-23T23:45:00.000-07:00

Top 40 Worst Pet Names
(nicknames couples give each other)

He calls her “Bunny Boo”, she calls him “Huggy Bear.” We had them shot.

Honey, Baby, Sweetheart, Darling. We all know the standards. Then after they get to know each other, they may get into, Lover Doll, Sweety Pie, Pumpkin, Sugar Lips. Often these type of affectionate monikers are said with your mouth all scrunched up like a pig snout.

But things get a little out of control in the outer extremes of society—midwestern trailer parks or Beverly Hills—anywhere that's isolated from normal people with a modicum of good taste. Therein lies the topic of this list. Sick, nauseatingly saccharine, terminally cutesy, or even just berzerk pet names that make you want to just smack the living snot-lights out of someone. This list is in no particular order and I’m not about to try to determine which is “thee” absolute worst.

Warning; May cause nausea, dry heaves or diarrhea, do not read on a full stomach.

Poopsy Doodles
Schnookums
Lover Bunny
Pooky Bear
Wittle Nookie Nuk-Nuks
Kissy Kibbles
Smoochy Buckets
Fluff Bumps
Kitten Pickles
Pudgy Pops
Oojy Coojy Woojy Moojy Poo-Poo
Honey Bunny Buckles
Cookie Pops
Squeegee Cakes
Silly Willy Jigabilly
Puddin’ Knickers
Monkey Chicklets
Moo Moo Flops
Snuggle Sausage
Love Puddle
Moushy Goushy Toushy
Snoopy Snails
Fuzzy Jujubear
Lovecycles
Booboo Bungalo
Licky Stickypoo
Chickadoodle Doo Doo
Muffy Peckers
Fudge Nuggets
Juicy Pooper
Creamy Jiggles
Flubber Cheeks
Puppy Puddles
Bunny Scuppers
Cuddle Chutney
Moo Goo Guy Pan
Mr. Binkle
Squeaky Wiggles
Coochie Custard
Honey Bunches of Cuddle Muffins

If you or anyone you know addresses their little Pun'kin Pudd'n this way, even in the privacy of their home, please, do the world a favor and shoot them right away.

More About Pet Names

A pet name can come in handy if used tastefully. Many people use: “Baby” or “Honey” exclusively for their partner, especially when they’re in the habit of cheating on them, or simply have multiple partners. This avoids the embarrassing and often incriminating indiscretion of accidentally calling a person by the wrong name. Especially when they know the person whose name you call them...and she has really big tatas. Nearly impossible to weasel your way out of that one. But here’s an excuse I have used successfully;

“I’m sorry Jenny, it must be because Abdul just called recently and I happened to be thinking about him at that moment when I was having an orgasm.”

Of course parents are notorious for giving their kids silly nicknames. I once overheard an Arab mother calling her child “Pumpkin” in a thick middle-eastern accent. For some reason I was compelled to say, “Pumpkin? what an unusual name.” She turned to me and proudly replied, ”Ees Amehreecan neecknehme.” And I’ll never forget the middle aged, balding, Jewish man who, while swinging his baby in the park, had a momentary lapse and shouted in falsetto, “Who’s a cutey-pie macaroni head? Who’s a cutey-pie macaroni head?” Immediately realizing what he had done, he looked around hoping no one heard his outburst but, much to his chagrin, there I was grinning from ear to ear. I had no choice but to walk right over to him and slap him silly, after which he thanked me.

By Numby Wumby Bear...He’s so cute you just want to kiss him and hug him and cuddle him and...

2008-05-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

Fire Ball Cures Insanity!

Well I’ll be damp, Jenkins! Look over yonker, above those chi pops! am I skiing flings? What in the game of shell is that? It looks like a luge brawl of fryer in the spry but we’re not respecting any meat eater flowers, serpentine not one of this magnavox. Is that swing bedding closer? It looks like a vomit on a concision corpse for Mirth! If that thing tampax us, it’ll be defecating.

We’ve got to avert the sororities! Ejaculate the empire ariel of all pavillions. Winston and Churchill first! Pound the air maid scions. I’m gonna crawl the fleece. Jello fleece?, I’m out here at the Levels Most File and I’m seeing a one-eyed bonified frying omelette in the sty heading straight for perth. Have you guys snotted anything on your gaybar? This thing is pedantic. It’s got to be 3 smiles lacross. Wart?! Muffin?! You see Muffin?! That’s Insoluable! Are you sure your increments are perking? Well you should have them re salad grated cause I’m not lazy! This thing is mylantic and it’s dreading straight pourous. *Click*

Jenkins blare are you? We’ve god to get plowed of cheer. Let’s start smacking up all the queer, at least we can ply to get to my palm smelter before it compacts... Oh my prod!!! It’s hued! We’ll never surprise it! That fling'll sleeve a gator the size of Lexus! This is spit Jenkins! I never fold you this decor Jenkins, impact, I’ve never sold any fun rapport but I bite as hell smell you now: I’m, I’m DAISY!!!! ...hey where’d it go? holy shit it’s gone! I thought for sure we were all done for. How did a meteor that big just dissappear in thin air?

Jenkins?

JENKINS!?

Hey, wait a minute...Who the hell is Jenkins? And what am I doing out here?

by numbsain...or am I?

2008-05-22T03:18:00.000-07:00

Memoirs of an Ex-Gigolo
“Older gals aren't as tight...with money.”
written by numbsain

Though a strapping young man, I was strapped for cash. I couldn’t make a decent living so I decided to make an indecent living. My dream was to be an escort...not drive one. I had a probe...but it needed a new transmission. There were a lot of lonely middle-aged matrons out there willing to fork over big bucks to get forked over and over by big bucks like me. They called me “Tootsie Roll” ‘cause I last a long time. While the money was good, It was always hard, but it wasn’t always easy.

Until I met Tina Fletcher. A sizzling hot MIPF (mother I’m paid to f*ck) that must have found the fountain of age defying cream ‘cause you’d swear she was 25 if she was a day, and 18 if she was a night. But her vintage put her at double that. Tina was freshly widowed and out of the dating loop, I met her in the parking lot of Gelson’s Market trying to get into her Ichipuzi drop-top. I whipped out my trusty slim jim which I kept concealed in my trousers, and had her on the road in under a minute flat. After negotiating a little palm grease of course.

She asked if she could see me later and I said no, I wasn’t leaving. She started making noises about it being “too soon” saying she ”wasn’t ready yet.” I told her, “Don’t worry babe, I need a few minutes to get it back up myself.” She said, “I mean, for a relationship.” I said, “Well it won’t be if you keep paying me.” She offered me an entry position with full perks. I said “Dental? Damn!” She produced one from her purse, admitting I was a little hard to swallow. Thus was the start of our torrid relationship but she soon became disenchanted with me—in and out every night—I insisted on keeping my job as a D.J. at a strip joint. She didn’t like my mixing with all those “floozies,” that dated her—nobody says “floozies” anymore. I told her the floozies wouldn’t stop dating her just ‘cause I’m spinning the vinyl. Besides those floozies like my dance mixes and if I shine, that’s a reflection on her.

The relationship finally ended with her, after three whole months, breaking all my records. Which was really mean ‘cause she knew I couldn’t replace my vinyl collection. So the jig was up and the gigolo was down. I got laid off the clock one last time. Soon the only thing mounting was my bills, I wasn’t about to get any more behind from her, so I took matters into my own hands. I was used to getting jerked around by women and I hated having to do it myself. It wasn’t long before I resigned myself to the fact that I was just going to have to eat it. So I started plugging away. I built up my clientelle, made ‘em feel special, and now I kinda like my women not as tight...with money. It’s still always hard, but only because of Viagra.

by numbsain, not about numbsain, nor is that guy numbsains thing...numbsain needs dinner and a movie first.

2008-05-20T05:46:00.000-07:00

Da Top 25 Woizt Rappa Namez

Li’l Wayne, who actually deserves the title “Li’l”
shown here with fellow rap artist “Fifty Cents”
...Wait, wait, wait!!! No sorry! I mean, Fitty Cent,
(whew) Sorry Mr. Cent, no offense. I MEAN, no offent.
(He ain't no two bit rappa... he two, two bits.)

M.C. numbsain:
“Oy oy oy...er, yo yo yo! Dis wuz a tuff cawl ya’ll, cuz has u seen sum o dem rappaz names yo? Dey b whack. Why dey b cawlin dey azz; “Li’l Scrappy?” sound lak he fawl awf a table. Or “Mo Hogany?” Wuzzat beezee hoggin, awl da krack? An’ “Franky Ti” Whud he stick a hot dawg in a cuppa hot watah? “Franky Ti” ah ain’t giv a dayum! An’ Wussup wit “Bun-B,” “Falsalarma” an’ “Young Jeezy,” I meen, wud dey thinkin? Ah givem 2 much kredit, da op’rative werd bein “think!” awl up in dis bee-yotch, We ain’t tryna hear dat mess. So here dey is:”

25. Li’l Choo Choo

24. Pazz Gazz

23. Redikuliz

22. Ralph F

21. Fo Dolliz n’ Fitty-Se’m Cent

20. Tikit Sella

19. Miz Guy Did

18. Now n’ Layta

17. Buttt Plugz ‘n Hominy

16. Li’l Skiddlez

15. Li’l Preemee 2 Young

14. Tone Deaf

13. Jack Russel Terrier P.

12. Stand-Awfish

11. NotoRioty B.A.G.

10. L’il Tamm Ponn

9. Li’l Skwish E

8. Itch Dawg

7. Da Dawgz Who Kried Woof

6. Boyz2Gurlz

5. My Lanta

4. Kibblez n’ Bitch

3. Cherry Bing Bing a.k.a Bing Cherry
Real name; Melvin Bortz, His claim to fame is his appearance on this list.

M.C. numbsain:
He's a punk-azz bee-yotch, ahmo pop a capricorn in hiz azz! He ain’t shizzizzny, ah'll gang bang 'im. You wanna piece o' mah azz, foo? Come an’ git it!

2. Peep Birdie Bird a.k.a. Peep Bird
Real name; Peter Byrd, his claim to fame was his appearance at the top of the bill with Snoop Dogg. It was the bill for a Jumbo Jack he served him in the drive-thru. He wrote his name at the top, but forgot to include his number. If he had, Snoop would have used him as a bumbling fool in a humorous scene in one of his videos.

M.C. numbsain:
He ain't crunk, he ain't cavvy, he ain't dope...(wait, iz dat good) We ain't roll like dat, he ain't nuttin budda peckerwood!

1. Thirty Eight Double D a.k.a. 38DD a.k.a. Thurdee Ate Dub Oldee
Real name; Doris Dumbrowski, age; thirty eight years old. Breast size; N/A. She is the leader of a Wrap Music Ensemble in Ogden, Utah with one vanity CD release that’s about to go pewter if she can sell 300 more peach cobblers at her roadside stand. She throws the CD in for free with every purchase, but counts it as a CD sale with a free peach cobbler.

M.C. numbsain:
“Da WOIST! Da WOIST! Yeeah, Yeeah, Yeeah, dat shit be awf lak a cawf, dat brain iz sawf. Lemme gedda shout out fuh da Woist rappa name of awl up in dis time! An one mo time fuh awl y’all top twenny fi’ woist rappaz, Yeeah, dey ain’t pimp, dey ain’t phat, dey offend my senzibilitiez! We don’ roll like dat. Dis iz Numbsain yo’! Weez out y’all, Puh-eace!”

2008-05-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

Top Eighteen Worst Pet Fish Names

Always have your fishes name silkscreened on in case he gets lost or stolen.
This helps police identify him when you file a missing fish report.

Goldmind’s Unwind is famous the world over for having the best worst names lists and pets are our specialty. But we received many complaints from fish lovers (Ichtheofeliacs) that we had not done fish (and neither should you). In response we’ve compiled this list. But just one question; How do you love a fish? Do you take it out of the tank and pet it? How does one cuddle fish? Do you sit with your fish on your lap and stroke it gently saying “Who's my good fish? Yesh you are, Yesh you are.” as it stares blankly at you gasping for water. You people are strange. Here’s the list, now put the damn thing back in the water before somebody calls the SPCF (Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Fish).

18. Tidy Bowl
17. Rover
16.Gilda
15.Deepsea Doodle
14. Chum
13. Anne Chips
12. Chicken of the Tank
11. Fresh Sushi
10. Fillet O.
9. Gillbert Finney
8. Glub Glub
7. Badunkadunk
6. Morton Drowney Jr.
5. Bob Waters
4. Floater
3. Flushy
2. Demi Moist
1. Amy Fisher

I suppose you have a sign on your door that says; “BEWARE OF FISH!” If you’re blind, do you go swimming with a seeing eye fish? Personally, I think they should have fish lakes where singles can take their fish out for swimmies and meet each other. By the way, my Bubbles has been kind of depressed lately. He won't even fetch my flippers when I come home. Can anyone recommend a good fish therapist?

Why Fish Never Get Bored

by numbsain...he doesn't sleep with the fishes.

2008-05-17T18:24:00.000-07:00

Onedownsmanship
with Gus and Phil

Phil: Mornin’ Gus.

Gus: Mornin’ Phil.

Phil: What's it feel like to be your own ancestor?

Gus: You can tell a man’s age by countin' the rings around his eyes.

Phil: Ain't ya' get any shut eye?

Gus: Who can sleep with all that racket? Damn fool kids got one them new fangled video games. Hootin’ and hollerin’ like coyotes after a kill. Shoot, back in my day, we had real games like battleships or tiddlywinks. Kept us happy for hours and din’t use a watt o’ ‘lectricity. Now we knew what fun was.

Phil: Hell, when I was just a sprout, we never had all that. Game o' stick-ball was as much fun as a boy could have on a Saturday off. We’d get ourselves a high bouncer from the five and dime, find an old broom handle an’ we was in heaven. Exercise, skill, and it got us out o’ that rundown one bedroom flat the eight of us shared.

Gus: Stick-ball eh? Y'all musta been from the rich neighborhood. Shoot, we ain’t had none o’ that. Back in my day, we played dodge-rock. Only had one rock in the whole damn town so we had to share it. Course the whole town could prob’ly fit inside your fancy one bedroom. Fourteen of us lived in a piano crate with a hole cut in it. I remember one Christmas mama stole us a chicken. I can still taste that yardbird.

Phil: Oohwee! Y’all had chicken? Sounds like you was spoiled boy. My twenty three siblings and I once nearly died walkin’ 20 feet to the edge of the dirt pile we lived on just to catch a look at a real farmhouse. Heard they had a chicken but I’ll be damned if we ever saw it. When I was five I did my family proud and caught me a juicy rat. We ate for weeks. I was the youngest so Mama sewed a little pair of shorts for me outta the pelt. Only reason I survived was on account of a scrap o’ meat I found in them shorts. I think mama left it for me on purpose. Least I think it was meat.

Gus: Oh, we didn’t have the luxury of a cozy dirt pile to come home to. Shoot, a hundred and eleven of us made do in a rolled up piece o’ newspaper in the middle of the road. Ain’t et my first meal until I was eighteen years old. Yup, it was my own foot. Mama used to slice it real thin and make us sandwiches between two black gum wads. That was iffin we could scrape ‘em off the side walk. Lasted us twenty years.

Phil: Y'all had foot n' gumwad sandwiches? Oowhee! My clan o' three-hunnert woulda killed fer a bite o' real food. We chewed on our fingernails fer nutrition. lived inside a candy wrapper in a dumpster. We couldn't even afford air to breathe so we had to pass the one breath around. You folks had it good.

Gus: What the hell are you talkin’ about Phil? That’s ridiculous! Shut up!

by numbsain...back in my day we couldn't afford my day.

2008-05-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

HOW TO HANDLE THE BROADS
(no pun intended)

by Numbsain—The Worlds Leading Authority on Putting Up with Chicks

This broad is finding out what it's like to be a guy.

Part 1—That Time of the Month ••• • ••
First of all, you ain't gonna get away without a fight so don't even try. It'll just piss 'em off more. So what ya gotta do is, tick 'em off a little, a few of times a day. That way they don't build it up and then explode all over your ass for some crap you didn't do, like sleep with another chick.

Leave a dirty sock in the refrigerator, pee in the clothes hamper, grope her mom's ass, little stuff. Slam the door in her face, maybe drop a carton of eggs. I personally like to spank the cat right in front of her, cause that doesn't hurt anybody and she can get all uppity about it. Driving like a maniac is good too. But never really bad stuff because then you gotta deal with it. Like one time I set all her clothes on fire and that was bad cause she was wearing them.

The other thing is, if they seem to be getting all PMS'd out, don't say: "Damn baby, you must be on the rag." Trust me, I've been doing it for years and it backfires on me every time. I even tried saying it nice, like: "It's okay honey your probably just on the rag." or I try to break it to 'em gently like: "I see your chewing me a new asshole, say listen I was just going to the market. Want I should pick you up some maxi pads while I'm there?" They're too smart for that. Don't start making a little bed for yourself on the couch either. But the worst "for paw" you can make when a chick is on the rag is to say "I love you." I tried that once and you know what she said to me? She said: "Why?" Boy, was I screwed.

Part 2—Holidays (Especially Valentimes Day)

Okay, your gonna forget so the best thing you can do is, around January start thinking of a good excuse. Don't end up like me, I had to total the car cause I didn't have an excuse ready. Good excuses are: I got fired, I had amnesia, I spent all the money on something and it didn't get delivered on time. Then you gotta get a friend to dress up like a delivery guy the next day and that can get expensive. Don't try the following: Don't say "what did you get me?" or “C'mon baby, we don't have to do that stuff anymore.“ You say that and you won't be doin' a lot of stuff anymore.

Part 3—Cheeting, The Big Myth Misspelled

You know when your woman is cheating when she suddenly starts being nice to you for no reason. If your not sure, you can be damn sure by going out and getting a little extra correctular action yourself. Bring her home with you even and let your chick catch you in bed with her. If she say's “Oh! I'm sorry, I didn't know you were home honey," shuts the door and leaves after putting two TV dinners out to thaw for you and your date, she's cheatin'.

Or you may catch her in bed with someone. If you do, she's definitely cheating on you. But the big myth is, that cheating is a bad thing. It's actually a good thing because it means you can do whatever you want now. The truth is, cheating always has a good outcome. If she's doing it, she's not interested in pleasing you anymore so you don't want her. Move on. If you're doing it, you don't want her. Move on. You always gotta keep it fresh, recycle chicks, don't get stuck with the same one for too long, cause she'll get old on you. You don't want to end up with some old chick. And don't ever tell a chick you love her. She'll get old and mean in a heartbeat. Keep 'em guessing, keep 'em fresh and keep 'em sore.
By that I mean boff 'em till they burn. She should walk funny afterwards if you do it right. Then you know she can't say shit to you and you are the man!

Part 4—Escape Route

Don't never get into a situation where you're chick is mad and you can't get away clean. They have no scrooples, they'll call the heat on you, they'll scream rape, they'll trash your car, anything. The minute you see her head for the tires with a knife, run her down. If you can't hit her, floor it. She can't puncture your tires while they're spinning. When you go to her house, back into the parking space, hide the key under the car where you can get it fast. Sleep with your clothes on, and don't bring your wallet. Don't do nothin' she can turn you in for. Broads are like a carton of milk with no 'sell by' date on it, you never know when she'll turn on you.

By numbsain...2345 dates to date and counting, in other words, I know of what I speak

2008-05-15T10:26:00.000-07:00

Practice Makes Imperfect

The year is 6035. Humankind has transcended the corporeal form, synthesized down to the essential life force or “soul.” Unencumbered by physical mass, existing in an astral plane, having evolved to a state of pure consciousness, the light beings are as close to perfection as a life form can be. And wouldn't you know it, turns out perfection sucks.

Mulligan: Zzt zzzz (crackle) zzt (Fsst!) zzzzzzt-zt z-zzt zt...

Zenithbaum: Leave them alone.

Mulligan: Zzzt (crack-ackle) Why? Zzzt...

Zenithbaum: Because it just seems wrong.

Mulligan: Wrong? Have we regressed to an earlier stage of evolution? Are we back to the moral judgments of right and wrong?

Zenithbaum: Of course not, but focusing ones convector beam for the purpose of incinerating cockroaches just doesn't "feel" like the best use of our time.

Mulligan: I hate the bastards and they're really getting out of control zzzt! Die suckers!

Zenithbaum: They are to be the inheritors of the planet, the direct result of our deeds. In essence we created them.

Mulligan: No, we did not create cockroaches they were here long before us.

Zenithbaum: Yes but they were not 3 meters long, that was our doing. All because someone's direct ancestors had to continue fighting a war even after there were no soldiers with which to fight.

Mulligan: Well if someone's direct ancestors hadn't started the war in the first place...

Zenithbaum: We started it? That's a steaming' loaf of horse flop, we didn't start a damn thing...

Mulligan: Did too!

Zenithbaum: Did not!

Mulligan: Did too!

Zenithbaum: Did not!

Mulligan: Did too!

Zenithbaum: RESET!

Mulligan: Yes I concur. There is very little potential to expand the emotional gamut once the "did not, did too" rally commences. Perhaps your superlatives were too damning and did not allow a counter argument to develop.

Zenithbaum: Ah! Quite right, I was overzealous and, as they say, blew my wad too soon.

Mulligan: Quite understandable given the appeal of the reward...

Maternal pregen: interjection request, guardian override. Have you two almost completed your psycho-emotional regenerative sequence?

Zenithbaum: Very nearly. I feel we would benefit from one more cycle.

Mulligan: Yes, we have identified a technical obstacle which, if avoided, will allow us to exceed our previous cycle considerably. If we may

Maternal pregen: Granted. You may consume fifteen additional units.

Mulligan: Perfect. Would you prefer to be the antagonist and commit the initial aberrant behavior this time, Zenithbaum?

Zenithbaum: Certainly. Zzzt zzt Snap, crack zzztzzzzzzts...

Mulligan: Desist please!....

Zenithbaum: Zzzt Cracak-crackle zzt zzzzt. Oh, Must I?...

by numbsain...“the future, coming soon”

Brought to you by:
Planned Obsolescence Laboratories...We make bad things happen!

2008-05-06T07:01:00.000-07:00

Top 25 Worst Pet Bird Names

Extremely rare case of interconjoined species. Clearly neither like it.
better pet supervision could have prevented this tragedy.

We’ve searched the world over to find the silliest, stupidest, most ridiculous ornithoid monikers, avian appelations and titmouse titles. We're just jealous because they can fly and we can't.

25. Flap jack
24. Parroty
23. Koo-Koo Rooster
22. Brock
21. Coop DeBill
20. Mo Zam Beek
19. Nestor
18. Macawesome
17. Cheepskate
16. Fowl Mouth
15. Beek of the Devil
14. Eggbird
13. Cheep Date
12. Peckerwood
11. Birdenand the Fool
10. Claire the Loon
9. Twicker Tweet
8. Swoopy Sails
7. Mack Nuggets
6. Flippin’ (the bird)
5. Chickenshit
4. Hot Wings
3. Eggs Ackley
2. Perch-ass
1. Lark Skywooker

Bird Names That We Were Forbidden to Publish
These were the names that we were told we could not publish due to their similarity to famous people’s names. Apparently this constitutes defamation of character although I don't think the birds mind being associated with these celebrities so why should they? When we assured their agents it was purely coincidental, they responded with a lot of hostility and fowl language. So the following is a complete list of the bird names we were not allowed to include...oops!
39. Carol Dodo
38. Lauren Buck-Buck-Bacall
37. Macaw Lee Caulken
36. Sheryl Crow
35. Bird Reynolds
34. Nickle-less Caged
33. Flap Wilson
32. Robin Whooperwilliams
31. Terri Hatcher
30. Robert Dove-all
29. Piper Lorikeet
28. Feather Lockleer
27. Damn Quail
26. Gregory Pecked

A tender moment
between birds can
often lead to name
calling.

Funniest Things Ever Said by Talking Birds—True Stories
Back in the 70’s I knew a fellow who smoked marijuana incessantly. The only reason I knew this was because he owned an African Grey who had frequent coughing fits, though I don’t think the bird had lung disease. He did have a habit of repeating the things he heard most often. His vocal repertoire often included:

“F-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-t...(cough, cough, cough)...‘ere.” “Good shit!” “Shut up you stupid bird!”

If you have a funny bird quote please email us. Or simply flip us the bird.

(far right: This horrible child named her bird “Cutie Pie.” Both had to be put to sleep.)

By Numbsain...He is the wind beneath your wings

2008-05-05T15:57:00.000-07:00

Womens Sexual Compatibility Survey

Ladies! Complete this survey to see if you are eligible to win an exciting, romantic weekend with the fabulous, fun-filled Numbsain himself!

1. Your partner brings a friend home and suggests the three of you play a little game together. Do you...

a. Strip and shout, “Last one in’s a rotten egg!”
b. Tell him if that's what he wants, he's going to have to subdue you, tie you to a tree in the backyard, blindfolded and gagged and take you by force. Then go get the rope.
c. Throw them both out and tell them don’t come back until they have at least five more guys and they’re all wearing hard hats.
d. Get out the monopoly board and call, “Shoe!”

2. You’ve had a long day and you’re exhausted. Your partner starts pawing and kissing you all over. Do you...

a. Tell him to back off, you get enough of that at work.
b. Mace him.
c. Get so into it that a half hour later you realize you’re still in the driveway, the neighbors are watching and your car keys are imbedded into his backside.
d. Fend him off with a silver crucifix. Go in the bedroom, lock the door and masturbate with a porcelain statuette of the Virgin Mary while sobbing your eyes out.

3. You wake up to find your man fast asleep with a nocturnal stiffy. Do you...

a. Start flicking it with your finger and laughing.
b. Paint a face on it and dress it up in doll clothes.
c. Tie a string to it, dip the string in honey and hang it out the window near an ant hill.
d. Ride it until dawn shouting, “Yippeee!”

4. You’re stuck in a traffic jam and you see a cute guy in the car next to you. Do you...

a. Wink, blow him a kiss and then floor it, smashing into the car in front of you.
b. Get naked and play tiddly winks yourself to orgasm while everyone watches.
c. Grab the “club” off the floor and deep throat it for his viewing pleasure.
d. Hold up the sign you keep in your car with your phone number on it in large bold type.

5. You try something kinky to spice things up a bit, but your partners reaction is less than enthusiastic. Do you...

a. Remove the “Undulator 800” from his rear and apologize for being so forward.
b. Tell Pavel, the Bulgarian bodybuilder that you won’t be needing his services tonight.
c. Take off the Snow White costume, tell the dwarfs to stop singing, “Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go,” put their tights back on and wait in the living room.
d. Slow down to sixty eight mph because at sixty nine he almost ate it.

6. What turns you on more...

a. Playing paddle ball in booty shorts and a tube top.
b. Going out for a happy meal, then coming home and playing in the sprinkler.
c. Having your top fall off while riding “Gold Rusher” at Magic Mountain.
d. Being hog tied and gang banged by Mariachi band in front of a crowd in Juarez, Mexico.

7. Which type of man has the best chance of getting lucky with you...

a. Any man in uniform as long as it doesn’t say “RotoRooter” or “Orkin” on the pocket.
b. A short, greasy Italian with a glass eye and a nasty temper.
c. A burly, bearded, beer-drinking, flannel shirt wearing lumberjack named Cynthia.
d. The type that has a pulse.

8. What’s your favorite sexual memento...

a. The severed penis of your deceased ex, preserved in formaldehyde.
b. A pair of skid-marked tighty-whities from your high school crush.
c. A dog biscuit.
d. A set of your grandmothers antique doilies with cum stains on them

9. If you really liked a guy but saw he had a one inch penis. Would you...

a. Tell him you’ve never seen a bigger one...(inch penis that is).
b. Mock him mercilessly and send him away.
c. Compliment him on his gorgeous scrotum.
d. Give him an appropriately reduced rate.

10. Which best describes how you see yourself in bed

a. A sexual dynamo who can outdo any woman in all areas of pleasure giving and receiving.
b. A domineering slave driver, demanding to be serviced incessantly without ever reciprocating.
c. A passive, subservient submissive plaything with no will of her own who’ll do whatever she's asked without ever questioning her master.
d. A crazed, maniacal, jungle girl who usually leaves her partner maimed for life.

If you chose any of the answers, congratulations! You win a luxurious, all-expenses-paid-by-you weekend at your home with Numbsain!! You can have your way with him or just put him on a leash in the backyard, either way, he’s all yours!! Just email you’re name and address to Goldmind’s Unwind along with the results of your survey and we’ll tell you where to pick him up. He’s already had his shots and he’s been flea dipped and declawed!!!

disclaimer: Goldminds unwind is not responsible for any losses, damage to furniture or personal injury you may suffer as a result of letting Numbsain into your home. This offer good anywhere in the world, not void where prohibited. Use of numbsain does not constitute prostitution or slavery and no limitations apply on keeping him forever.

by Numbsain...Hey, it never hurts to try...well, maybe sometimes it hurts.