Those Strange Americans
The Burps learn about hot things

Good afternoon, I’m James McQuivvers and welcome to Those Strange Americans.
Today we’ll be talking with the Burps of Crotch River Arkansas who have only just recently discovered hot things. Now Mr. Burp were you not the first to discover the phenomenon of hot things?
Mr. Burp: Nehw.
J.Q.: I’m sorry I was told that it was you who first—
Mr B.: Naw, were’nt me. Ah ain’t discovered no fuhmomanon, it were hawt thangs. Ya see, ah was in the kitchuhn and maw was cookin up a big ol’ pot o’ hawg giblets so I went right awn over thar an’ stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: And what did you feel?
Mr. B.: Hungry.
J.Q.: Yes but after you put your finger into the boiling pot what was the sensation in your finger?
Mr. B: Nothin’
BillyBob Burp: Hyik Hyik Hyik Gawl dang paw tell the man whut ya feeled! Hyik Hyik Hyuk he ain’t gawn tell ya.
J.Q.: Why won’t he tell me?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s Stewpid. But lemme tell ya he shore nuff feeled sumpin cuz he jes stood thar a hollerin’ lak a hound dawg in a bear trap, ooohWHEEE!
J.Q.: And why did he not remove his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Cuz he’s plum STEWPID!
JennyMay Burp: Ah ah ah ah ah tol’ him ta take it out. Ah did.
J.Q.: That was very good JennyMay. You saw your father was in pain and you told him to take his finger out of the pot?
JM.B: Nehw.
J.Q.: But I thought you said—
JM.B.: Nuh-uh, ah tol’ him cuz ah wuz ahurtin’
J.Q.: You mean you empathized, you felt your fathers pain.
JM.B.: Nehw, ah feeled MAH own pu-ayn cuz cuz cuz he done sticked heez corn cawb raht up mah pooky.
J.Q.: Oh my! Ahem well we’re supposed to be discussing things that are hot, JennyMay.
JM.B.: Well ah thunk it wuz plum disgustin’ but when they wartched the video awn the TV down at Gus’s Liquor Barn them folk thunk it was hawt.
J.Q.: If we may stay on the subject. So your father just stood there with his finger in the pot? What happened next?
BB.B.: Wayll ah done had to go awn over thar an heylp ‘eem. Cuz ah ain’t wanna seen ‘eem suffer lahk that.
J.Q.: So you removed his finger from the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I hit ‘eem wiff a eye-ron skillet over the hay-ed.
J.Q.: Oh dear wasn’t that a bit cruel to knock him unconscious like that?
BB.B.: Nehw. I ain’t hit ‘eem hard nuff ta knock ‘eem uncronchiss. Jus hard nuff so he put ‘eez hay-unds awn ‘eez hay-ed.
J.Q.: Well of course to protect his head.
BB.B.: Got ‘eez fanger outta the pot.
J.Q.: So did you all realize at that point that a boiling pot is hot?
Jimbo: Nehw. We ain’t buhlieved ‘eem.
J.Q.: So what did you do?
Jimbo: Wayll ah done wint over thar an stuck mah fanger in it.
J.Q.: The pain must have been excruciating.
Jimbo: Nehw. It hurted.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik, yer plum STEWPID Jimbo! OoohWHEE! Yer stewpidder ‘n a possum in a moonshine barrel! Hyuk hyuk!
Jimbo: Shuddup BillyBob! Yer stewpidder ‘n a bearcat in a SEE-ment mixer.
BB.B.: Y’all take that back Jimbo! Ah ain’t neither. Buh-sides iffin it weren’t fer me y’all would still be a-sufferin.’
J.Q.: Did you take Jimbos finger out of the pot?
BB.B.: Nehw. I turned awf the stove.
J.Q.: But it must have taken hours to cool down. How was his finger by the time the pot cooled?
BB.B.: Tender.
J.Q.: I imagine it was more than tender.
BB.B.: Oh, it were mahty tasty too.
J.Q.: You ate his finger?!
Jimbo: Nehw. We done et awl mah fangers. BillyBob tol’ me ah wuz better awf cuz now ah ain’t has ta worry ‘bout stickin’ em in sumpin’ hot.
BB.B.: Hyik hyik hyik ah tol’ ya he wuz plum stewpid!
Jimbo: Hey Billybob, thars one mawr fanger left. It’s mah layest one, ya wawnt it?
BB.B: Don’t mahnd iffin ah do (Chomp, crunch crunch crunch GULP!) Mm-mm that thar wuz mahty tasty. Thank yew, Jimbo...Ya STEWPID HILLBILLY! Hyik hyik hyik har har hyuk!
Jimbo: Hey BillyBob gayess whut, ah done stuck that fanger up uncle grampaw’s POOKY ‘fore ah fed it to ya! HAW HAW HAW HAR HAR! GawlEEE yer stewpid! Y’all jus’ et grampaws pooky scuzz!
BB.B.: WHUT!? AHMO GITCHOO JIMBO!
J.Q.: Well that's our show for today, time's up, cut, is the tape still rolling? Why does every show about these insipid Americans always end up a complete travesty? why do we do this show anyway?
Producer: Uh, cuz Americans lak it.
J.Q.: Why do Americans like seeing how stupid they are?
America: CUZ WE’RE PLUM STEWPID!!!!

by numbsain...an American, but at least he knows he’s stupid.

brought to you by the campaign to keep politicians with so much subconscious guilt that they are testing, much the way a two year old does, to see how far they can go before someone stops them and who are actually hoping to be punished, much the way an abused child does, seeing it as the only way to alleviate their guilt, out of office foundation.

and by the committee to keep mentally unstable torture victims who can't possibly have the ability to run a country after the kind of abuse they have endured because any psychologist knows that shit warps your brain and turns you into a sociopathic, psychopathic, nazi monster, from being elected.
And that sick bitch running mate of his is the most evil wench that ever walked the earth and if you people can't see it and elect them then you deserve the nightmarish living hell they will inflict upon us.

And by the association of people who would rather evolve than devolve back to bloodthirsty barbaric hateful murdering warmongers like say oh, for instance McCain.

"A" IS FOR ACCEPTANCE

"AAA" (The American Automobile Association) had been receiving a number of phone calls from "AA" (Alcoholics Anonymous) members who had become addicted to 12-step programs and sought help. Apparently believing the letters "AAA" stood for Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous, The callers were disappointed to find this was not the case.

The president of "AAA" decided to refer all the calls to a central hub where the callers could coordinate with each other, which they did, and a few days later, they held the first Alcoholics Anonymous, Anonymous meeting. The meeting was deemed a success and others were scheduled. However the "AAA" meetings were conducted without supervision of a qualified 12-step program director and it was discovered the the participants had been done more harm than good by the proceedings. The leader of the unsuccessful "AAA" meetings decided to recruit the help of a qualified 12-step expert and attempt to undo the damage that had been done.

The meeting was called "AAAA," (Alcoholics Anonymous Anonymous Anonymous), but even under the supervision of a trained expert, the results proved disastrous. it was agreed that the previous group was far more useful and the "AAA" was reconvened the following day. At this meeting, the folly of the whole thing was discussed and it was unanimously agreed upon that good old "AA" was the best thing all along. All the participants rejoined their original "AA" chapter but shortly afterward found themselves on the street, drinking and homeless, right back where they had started.

The only difference was, they were now together as a group and it was agreed that this arrangement was vastly preferable to the way they had all started. A celebration was held at a local bar and a good time was had by everyone. They continued to meet each day and have a good time drinking and talking. A few months passed and two of the people in the group had managed to reduce their drinking enough to actually acquire jobs. This came as a great inspiration to the members of the group and several weeks later, three more had done the same thing.

It had become a fun challenge to see who would be the next to get a job and after all, they had nothing to lose for trying. Before too long, every member of the group had found gainful employment and some had even been sober for a while. They met one evening after work, looking fairly respectable I might add, and drank to their success. A decision was made that they would pool their resources, which were substantial by now, and buy a house. A few months later, they moved into a spacious 2 story, well-maintained house in a decent part of town. There was plenty of room for everyone to reside comfortably and still keep a large community room as a meeting hall where, every night, the entire group got together after work to drink and talk. They decided to call their happy little group, "A" which stood for Alcoholics. And to this day, they all live happily ever after.

by numbsain