Sunday, October 28, 2007

Ask Dr. Scientist - the smartest American in the whole damn world

Dr. Scientist,
Where do babies come from?

Dear Timmy,
Babies or Smallus Infantus come from one of the many qualified dealerships or baby outlets throughout the world and beyond. Here are a few of my favorites;
Carl & Ruth's Baby Land
Babyrama Infanteria
Babies 'N Things
Bob's Baby Emporium
Babies, Babies, Babies
Age 0 to 3
Toddler Town
Jan's No-Sex Babymart
What are you using these babies for? I have a couple of second hand babies I'm trying to dump off to a good home. Very little mileage on the one, the other is clearly used but It's a strong boy and he's got a few years left in him. Let me know if you're interested and I'll set them aside.

Dr. Science,
I am going on a long vacation and I can't bring my cats with me. What is the best way to store cats safely for three-months?

Dear Philbert,
The best way to store your cats safely for extended periods is to pack them in mothballs. The proper ratio is 1 mothball for every 500 cats.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
When mommy says “don’t let the bed bugs bite” every night; how am I supposed to stop them? And how can I keep my welts from itching?

Dear Pooh,
The chemical compound hydrochloric acid is the aqueous solution of hydrogen chloride gas. It is a potent acid, the major component of gastric acid and of wide industrial use. It should eliminate the bugs as well as the itching. In fact, nothing will be left, including your arm. This could produce lethal fumes; open a window before your arm falls off.

Dear Mr. Science,
My Mommy is trying to poison me. She gave me some stuff to drink and when I tested it with my chemistry kit, It was dihydrogen monoxide! how long do I have to live?

Dear Ricky,
My name is DOCTOR SCIENCE, not MISTER SCIENCE. And secondly, dihydrogen monoxide is ordinary water. Your mother is not trying to poison you, she's trying to drown you.

Dear Dr. Science,
I'm 11 and I've been an alcoholic for 3 years. Whenever my mother puts apple juice in my thermos I let it sit for a week before drinking it and it gives me a buzz. but lately it hasn't been strong enough. Is there any way for children to make hard liquor from apple juice?

Dear Fred,
There is! Steal a gallon of apple juice from your mother and let it sit for several weeks. Then place it in a freezer until its mostly solid. The water will freeze but the alcohol won't. Pour off the remaining liquid and voila! You have 120 proof apple jack! If that stuff doesn't put hair on your chest, try puberty.

Dear Dr. Science,
My momma told me that if I don’t pick up my toys, a monster will come out from under my bed and eat me. Is that true?
Jo Jo

Dear Jo Jo,

Dear Dr. Science,
Do you feel that in a parallel time continuum, where the interdimensional phasing hysteresis was in a precircumvented intraparametric logarithmic inversion slope, a sustained thermonuclear reaction such as the sun would create a photon distortion field of significant intensity to cause cross-dimensional interference that would be detectable by instruments known to our current technology?

Dear Billy,
Does your mother know you're using the computer to ask silly questions like this? Any dolt knows intraparametric logarithmic inversion slopes are a type of algae. Nice try.

Dear Dr. Science,
My Uncle told me the moon was made of cheese and that a rat eats the full moon until it disappears. How does it come back?

Dear Grayson,
The rat does not eat the cheese; he hides it.

Dear Dr. Science,
I have an infestation of ants in my kitchen and I recently purchased some Miracle Ant Chalk. Can you tell me how this product is to be used?

Dear Molly,
I would suggest using chalk to write discouraging statements such as: "Ants go away," "No ants allowed," "This area off limits to ants," around the areas where the ants seem to be concentrating. This should give those pesky ants the message.

Dear Dr. Science,
How many stars are there in the whole entire sky?

Dear Shurish,
Six hundred.

Dear Dr. Science,
What would happen if I poured gasoline on a pile of old newspapers, lit a match, and then threw it on top of the pile?

Dear Sherry,
No one knows for sure; there are many theories.

Herr Dr. Scientist,
Ist das für eine person möglich, von sich selbst herauszubekommen und in ihrer analyse völlig objektiv zu sein? Ich würde denken, dass es unmöglich ist, das zu tun. Was denken Sie?

Lieber Hans,
Ich denke, dass es nicht möglich ist, weil das Paradigma, das Sie verwenden würden, um “objektiv” zu bewerten, durch Ihre vorherige Erfahrung verdorben wird. Es gibt keine Weise, sich von Ihren eigenen Erfahrungen ander zu entfernen, als, jene Erfahrungen nicht gehabt zu haben. Denken Sie daran.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
If the world is shaped like a ball, how come we’re not upside down?
B. Specky

Dear Mr. Specky,
Because we’re on top of the ball; the Chinese are upside down.

Dr. Scientist,
I have to do a science experiment for school. Do you have any suggestions?

Certainly. Take a can of cola. Shake; then pull back the tab. What happens? You win the national science fair.

~Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness, numbsain

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