The Banned/Not Banned book list.

(Continuing our crusade to protect your freedom and bring awareness to your lives, we here at Goldmind's unwind have collected the great banned/not banned book list. For every banned book that you cannot get your fingers on here for various reasons, we offer you a feasible counterpart that you can read with pleasure and depravity while thumbing your nose at the government)

1. Banned- Uncle Tom's Cabin- Harriet Beecher Stowe- Banned for promoting stereotypes about African Americans, this literary classic of the civil war era is no longer attainable.

Not Banned- Uncle Joe's bedroom- Colon Polker- still available as an "Adam and Eve" pocket reader, this literary "classic" will never be banned as doing so would set off a flurry of protests from gay activists everywhere.



2. Banned- Where's Waldo-2nd edition- Banned by overprotective parents everywhere, one of the illustrations depicts Waldo himself standing suggestively behind a man bending over to tie what appears to be his shoe. The graphic nature of this photo apparently threatened to scar our children permanently, so drastic action was required.

Not Banned- Where's Crackho?-Marion Berry- Also illustrated, this children's book, drawn in a drug induced haze by Mr. Berry himself, cannot be banned because it's existence is still in debate. It is known that 40 prints of the book were made and passed out to various street hustlers, but the trail disappears there. Apparently, like the hard to find "crackho", this book will be difficult to locate....:)

3. Banned- Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger- Another literary classic banned from schools and many public shelves for it's dicey content. Wouldn't want that dangerous classic literature warping our minds!!!

Not Banned- Punch Her in the Eye- Ike Turner- This non fiction classic teaches the average blue collar Joe how to keep his marriage running like a well oiled machine. And his wife running like a kicked puppy. Visit Barnes and Noble today!

4. Banned- The Joy of Sex-Alex Comfort- This instructional book, expressing freedom and maturity in the act of lovemaking, was deemed vulgar and subsequently banned. The photography that was included may have been the deal breaker.

Not Banned- Sex with Joy- Karen Dyke- This instructional book, expressing freedom and passionate lesbian lovemaking was deemed vulgar and subsequently purchased by every man who could stop by the bookstore without his wife. The photography that was included may have been the deal maker.

5. Banned-Lord of the Flies-William Golding- For it's controversial use of the word "nigger", this book was banned first in Canada and then in some US schools, despite Golding winning the nobel prize in literature. Proving, of course, that societally speaking, it's amazing that we all know how to wipe ourselves when we shit.

Not Banned- Lord of the Fries- Steve Goob- This book, though similiar in title to the above, is instead about a day in the life of an average fry cook. It did not win the nobel prize. In fact, no one has read it. Which is probably why it's not banned. But SHOULD anyone read it, they will find several provacative references to "grease", "oil", and "transfats". Rooowrrr.

Check these out ladies and gentlemen! Let us know what you think!

Political Parody- Song 2

Goldmind's Unwind on Tour

(pictured below)

Recently, the writers at Goldmind's unwind had been asked by numerous readers and publicists to go on tour with our "act". Song Parodies, top ten lists, news flinches, holiday anecdotes, and secret pictures of Hillary Clinton nude sunbathing have headlined our tour to date. We were even able to stop for some tour photos, like the one above. Before you even ask, I'm the cute one. But I digress. In honor of the Goldmind Unwind American Tour, I, the cheese, wanted to share with you a previously unreleased hit in honor of Campaign '08.

"I Will Survive" (the voter's song)

(The democrat sings)

At first I was amazed,
I was mystified.
Kept thinking I had gone insane
Or that my eyes had lied
I’d spent so many nights
Wonderin’ who the dems would run
Which hired gun?
To get the big job done,
But what the hell?
Are they on crack?
They trucked out that scary fossil
With the hair all on her back
I’m gonna change the way I vote
I’m gonna run from Hillary
I’m gonna make a sign for Nader
And I’ll join the Green Party

But wait now whoa!
Just hold the door
Who’s this Obama?
Oh…another ramrod bore
We could be winning this election
Instead we’re gonna die
Like I’d vote for another Clinton
Or an inexperienced black guy
Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
I’ll find a candidate to love
Not a witch who fakes a cry
When she’s losing in the polls
When she’s raked over the coals
Oh yeah she lies
But I will survive (hey hey)

(and the republican sings)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
When I turned the TV on
And saw Mitt Romney’s broken heart
I spent so many nights
Wanting to comfort his hot wife
And stroke her gorgeous melons
While I sell shares of Metlife
My Wall street dream!
But now here’s Mccain!
Pining for the oval office
In his insanity again
How many times do you have to fail
Before you give up quietly?
And who’s that yuppie playing guitar?
What the hell’s a Huckabee?

Well holy Christ!
Just hold the phone!
What a lousy freak show,
all of them vying for the throne.
Just who’s the one who is responsible for this lot?
In this grand old party,
Is this the best we got?
A slow mormon?
A disturbed vet?
A banjo wielding right wing nut,
Am I making my point yet?
I”ve got all my life to wonder
Will the GOP go on
Will we survive?
Will we survive? (oh)

(and they both sing)

Sonofabitch!
What is the deal?
America’s asking itself
“Is this shit for real?”
Who is the moron who picks out these candidates?
Are they the product
Of relatives who fornicate?
Well, for one, not I!
We will survive!
If we have to move to Canada
And change our name to “Guy”
We’ve had it up to here
With the same shit every year
But we’ll survive
We will survive
We will survive……

The Mashugga Megillah of the Bialy

by numbsain

A beautiful thing, a real bialy is. It's like a bagel but without the hole in the middle. A good thing, that; If I'm shelling out my dough, Some schmuck taking dough out of the middle of my bagel, I don't need! What do they think, out of my tuchus there's money flying? I should be so lucky. To impress a lady, I would just moon her. God forbid I should be robbed by a homosexual pervert.

But as I was saying, No, instead of a hole, a little indent and some chopped onions and poppy seeds for an extra bonus they put in there. But the starter dough they use, is what makes a bialy "a bialy." And from my mouth to your ear, 150 years ago, in a little town in Poland called Bialystok, that starter dough was first created.

Just a little putz, my grandfather was, when one day, from the bakery he owned, his father came home and the most delicious bread rolls they ever ate, he had with him, a basketful of. To my grandfather, a little wad of dough, he handed and said:

"Menachem, dis dough, with yaw life you should guard. Ven you grow up, a bakery of your own, you vil have and oy, such a success it'll be, with starter dough so good as dis."

A bissel of dough, a teenage boy is supposed to care about?

Weeks and weeks, in his pocket the dough sat and, of course, all the time rising and when it got too big, with his fingers, my grandfather would smoush it down. To read an assignment in front of the class, he was asked by the teacher one day. Standing in front of the class, the bulge in his pants, one girl in the front noticed. Like a puppy dog after that, this young goyeh started following him around. Long story-short, married they ended up, and soon, to America they moved, all because of that dough. Enough gelt to buy a whole new wardrobe, they had, with parents like hers, so rich they were. But the pants wit the dough, he kept always and all the way across the ocean, In a suitcase, in the pocket of the pants, the dough kept rising. Nearly bursting out from the suitcase, the dough was by the time they arrived. "Oy! What is dis? In the garbage, that suitcase should be. A disgusting thing like that i need? Feh!"

So into the trash bin it went. Well, from working at his father's Chinese restaurant down the street, this young Chinese boy came walking along. "In the garbage, they throw pants so good as these?" the boy said in astonishment. Back to his mother, he brought them to be cleaned. "Mazel tov, bubeleh! A fortune we can make with this dough from the pocket of those pants." She told her son.

Now, a pretty good egg roll they made, sure. But a fortune? ...eh, not so much. Troubles like you wouldn't believe, the father was having and the Chinese restaurant... Feh, kaput it went after a year. To clean out the place, they came, the new owners did. And still there, in a pot, was the dough. So big it was getting by then, the owners daughter thought: "Such a waste. Food is food, better I should keep some." So in a little bag she put a smidgen and into the purse.

As luck would have it, sent by a nice man who owned a little bakery, a love letter was waiting when she got home. Who knew? She agreed to meet with him and on their date, still in her purse, the bag of dough was, so to him, she gave it. The best bagels in the world, he made with that dough, so good, a little hole, he didn't want to put, so "No hole!" he said. "Maybe just make a little dent and... I don't know, I could smoush some o' these onions in there, that's good." And that's the history of the bialy as we know it.

Odd After-School TV Specials

by Goldmind

We've all watched them - those helpful after-school TV specials educating us on the potential dangers of accepting soggy pornographic magazines from pantless strangers driving decrepit station wagons. The following is a list assembled by our dedicated staff of some particularly memorable specials.

Lemur Star Wars



TV executives in the disco-era received a report indicating that kids between the ages of 10-14 were primarily interested in (1) sex, (2) murder, (3) animals, and (4) the movie Star Wars. Tying these together, Grayson Blown Away Productions released "Lemur Star Wars," which feature red laser blasts, graphic animal mating, and territorial battles in outer space.

You're in hell Charlie Brown



Originally designed to convey traditional Christian values, "Peanuts" generally featured subtle moral lessons. That is, until Charles Schultz released "You're in hell Charlie Brown," designed to serve as a gentle reminder that failing to love Jesus Christ could mean one day waking up in a lake of everlasting fire.

Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie



Desiring to cash in on the popularity of reality TV and Princeton Review graduate school acceptance guides, Tortious Films released "Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie," which featured 72 hours of raw, unedited footage from a digital camera placed inconspicuously on a centrally located library table. 60 hours of the footage feature an anonymous student snoring while passersby nervously chew their nails.

Klingon Makeover of the Stars



Capitalizing on America's perpetual obsession with actors, as well as catering to a persistent contingent of Star Trek fans, Fallopian Pictures rolled the dice with this 2 hour special showcasing an array of Hollywood talent receiving Klingon make overs.

I Forgot Why I'm Eating this Ice Cream



French Avant-garde filmaker Toussieu Lyon Rhônes-Alpes baffled American audiences with his animated short "I forgot why I'm eating this ice cream." Said Rhônes-Alpes of his film: "La créature est chaude. Il doit manger de la glace. La glace ne fond pas. Effectivement, le printemps de fleurs en avant. Vous êtes la créature. Je vous donne ma glace. Prenez-le."

University Health Services



This peculiar film featured an unknown man, above, standing idly in front of the University Health Services facility, silently, for 30 minutes while staring intensely at the camera. No other scene takes place and the intent of the film is unknown.

Malt Liquor Goggles



This after-school special, focused on the dangers of alcohol consumption at parties, single-handedly decreased malt liquor sales 12% throughout the U.S. Strangely, sales increased in the U.K. and northern California.

Mr. Saturday Night Special

A Night in the Life of Yours Truly

Left: I had the misfortune of running into “Suzette” here at the Arlington Heights Playboy Club. What made it unfortunate was that I was quite inebriated and am now apparently engaged to the chipper fellow pictured. It could be worse, of course. He DOES shave his legs.

by Cheese

It’s Saturday night. A time when a young man’s fancy turns to his pants, or more pointedly, what’s in his pants. Now, I am no longer “young” by most definitions, but I am not quite knocking on death’s door either. I can hear the calling of the frothy mug. I feel the desirable tug of a night spent painting the town. I can taste the freedom of neon lights, gorgeous women, beer nuts, and endless testosterone. So I call my closest friend Mike, grab my fedora, and start driving towards the Arlington Heights Playboy Club.

It’s been years since I’ve set foot in the club. I figured by now there were new employees and I resemble the picture of myself on the wall less than ever, so the lifetime ban imposed on me will be much harder to enforce. Plus, of course, there’s the fedora. No one recognizes you when you’re wearing a fedora, right?

Mike is waiting for me at the entrance. He’s a large man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and ballhugger jeans that would make Steve Perry blush. His heavy brow gives him a look of authority that his comical pompadour all but erases. He’s an excellent drinking buddy because no matter how many beers you put away, he never starts looking like an attractive woman. Or an attractive man for that matter.

Without a word needing to be spoken between us, we pay the cover charge and enter. It takes seconds for all the old familiar sights and smells to overwhelm me. The red brick interior. The plush velvet carpet. The odor of beer, sweat, crisp dollars, and loneliness. I felt right at home. Until........

“Umm, dude,” Mike whispers, his unibrow furrowed in consternation. “Is this some kind of a joke?”

Walking towards us is a pair of “bunnies”, or scantily clad club employees. The one on the left is 300 lbs bone dry, 350 soaking wet I’m sure. The one on the right has a mustache and talks like my uncle Ed. Both of them have Mike and I stopped in our tracks, hands still on wallets, the phantom taste of that first beer still flirting with our tongues.

“Hi fellows,” the buffalo says. “Care to buy a lady a drink?”

“Where do we get the lady?” Mike asks, always as smooth as good bourbon.

“Look no further,” the mustache says, and actually wiggles his hairy ass at me.

I hear Mike make a wretching sound beside me, and move to take action. “Um, we haven’t been here in years. Since when did they start hiring guys as bunnies?” I ask.

“Title IX buddy,” the mustache replies. “It’s not just for women’s athletics, you know?”

“Err, OK,” Mike says. “What’s with the blob here?”

“I prefer metabollicly challenged,” the brontosaurus says. “The American’s with disabilities act covers morbid obesity and ensures that I have the right to work here. Get enlightened gentlemen! Look around!” And with that the “bunnies” moved off.

Sure enough, Mike and I looked around and really took in the employee pool for the first time. There were midgets, crossdressers, siamese twins, amputees, malformed faces, and people in wheelchairs. The only person not represented among the “bunnies” was hot women. We started to back up towards the door.

“I wouldn’t do it fellas,” said a whispering voice. We turned to find an old man huddled over an oak table in the corner. “I tried leaving once like you all. The freaks all came to my house the next morning and screamed about enlightenment in my front yard until every neighbor on my street was sure I hated all the handicapped, crossdressers, and retards on the planet. To this day no one talks to me. My advice would be to go get a beer or three. Pretend to enjoy yourself. Then leave at closing time.”

So we drank. And drank. Then drank a little more. With each one, we were SURE the bunnies would begin to look appealing. Short of that, we hoped for an alcohol induced coma to allow us the opportunity to escape.

Neither occurred of course. We got blitheringly drunk, pretended to have the time of our lives, puked our heads off in the surprisingly clean white porcelain of the club’s restroom then blacked out. Sunday morning we awoke, heads throbbing, in a king sized bed. Mike was spooning with the mustache, and I was tightly holding my Suzette. (see above)

This Saturday, Mike and I are going to watch M*A*S*H* reruns in my living room and drink water. If we feel really crazy, we’re going to go the library and check out books on Title IX and the Americans with Disabilities act. It’s time to write our Congressmen.

Rome, Circa 25 B.C.

Bonus and Meniscus at the Vomitorium, Part I

by Guinness

"Hail, Bonus!" shouted Meniscus from across the forum. "Where you beheaded?"

"It's Sunday, you fool, and as customary, I intend to conjoin with Ignoramus at the vomitorium to gorge myself until filled to the gullet, purge, and repeat until my esophogus is squeaky clean."

"Oh, but of course! My cousin Virus is visiting from the rivalous region of Gaul, and would enjoy an orgy of food and drink...may he attend?"

"Virus? Never heard of him and do not care to have my purge ogled by strange Gauls."
"Oh, it is but my regret. What thoughts have you of the young fellow, Stimulus Terminus?"

"Ah, yes, indeed, bring that one along. I could use a bit of purging at the other end, provided either Ramses, Trojan or Magnum are packing the sheepskins, that is." Bonus dismissed Meniscus with a brusque wave of his heavily braceleted arm.

"Very good, we shall see you at XII sharp then!" called Meniscus after the retreating toga.

The vomitorium teamed with sweating, curly-haired men, some togas hanging off the shoulder, mouths greasy with game juices, wine, grapes and figs. In the center, a stone edged circular recepticle received the exodous of anal and gastric passages. Heaven on Earth, the epitome of man's societal modernization! As Meniscus entered, he spotted Hippopotamus gorging himself with a roasted leg of mutton, Status keeping tabs on the victual levels, Census counting heads, Sinus sneezing vomit from his nasal passages, Hiatus passed out under the fruit table, and his good friend Meniscus with Stimulus Terminus. Fabulous, he thought, and strode to the beverage table... "A shot of tetanus, make it a double."

As Bonus swallowed his beverage, a rucous arose amidst the patrons. Projectilus Vomitus was hurling colorful streams of fruit juiced pork back in a glorious five foot arc which landed dead center into the recepticle. A slightly built toga'd figure underneath the arc screeched "ROJECTILEPAY OMITVAY!" in a female voice. Every good citizen of Rome knew women weren't allowed in the vomitorium.

"Ceasar! er SEIZE HER!" the crowd clamored.

end of part I.

Computer Advancements Surprising the Hell out of Grownups

In the photo above, a middle-aged man is startled by the functionality of an imac computer. Here, he is viewing a real-time image of himself in "Photo Booth." Such ridiculous expressions have become increasing common and have contributed to a national decline in lockjaw fatalities.

by Goldmind

AP Reports. Computer Advancements are increasingly surprising the hell out of grown men and women, a new federal study reveals. Once the exclusive realm of post-depression era Luddites, even America's Atari generation has become aghast at the latest software/hardware developments and the number of otherwise dignified grownups holding their mouths open and wagging their tongues while uttering ridiculous phrases like "this is more real looking than space invaders" has substantially increased.  

"In my day, Intelevision was the cats pajamas," said David Lindholm, a confused gentleman in his late 60's. "My portable phone & carrying case was the shiznit back when I was listening to the Fat Boys - it wasn't even rotary dial, it made me super cool. Now, I hear they can make cell phones that weighs less than 10 pounds."

Exacerbating the crisis, a follow up study indicated that further advances could possibly occur. "Lord have mercy, it's just amazin'," said Edna Jones, an elderly woman with blue hair walking out of First Baptist Church in Hazelhurst, Georgia. "I'm glad I'm about to meet Jesus, 'cause Lord it sure is confusing." 

Corporate Icon usurped by Warty Toad

by Cheddar

In a move that has rocked the corporate world and has water coolers steaming with speculation, officials at McDonald’s handed Ronald McDonald his walking papers. After fifty years as one of America’s most recognizable icons, McDonald’s decided it was time for a new spokesperson to peddle the restaurant’s high caloric blubbery lard.

“It simply was time for a change,” McDonald’s spokesman Gaylord Byron said. “Modern times call for a modern approach. And, as Geico’s annoying-as-hell Aussie Gecko makes clear, amphibians move inventory.” “After much internal consideration among our management team, our CEO unilaterally decided it was time to introduce the modern face of McDonald’s: Ribbit McDonald, a stubby toad with short hind legs, warty skin, and conspicuous swelling behind protruding eyes.”



In a move that has industry insiders scratching their heads, the company elected to retain “The Hamburglar,” "Mayor McCheese," “the French Fry Guys,” “McNugget Buddies,” and “Grimace”—each of whom will remain as supporting cast members to Ribbit McDonald. “This leads one to assume that this move was actually targeting Ronald himself, as if it were a vendetta on the part of McDonald’s officials,” marketing analyst Laurie Driver said. “It does make one wonder whether Ronald McDonald’s recent visit to the Neverland Ranch had some as yet unknown ramifications.”

In June, Ronald McDonald was photographed at Michael Jackson’s famous ranch. In the photograph, Ronald and Michael are shown seated side by side at a picnic table, while young boys in princess costumes frolick in the background eating chicken mcnuggets. Both Michael and Ronald appear to be eating hot dogs while grinning at each other; however, the grins could easily be interpreted as leers. Ronald McDonald’s sudden termination has fueled debate over the purpose of the neverland visit. Mr. McDonald, seen in the photo at top pushing his earthly possessions down a New York side street, could not be reached for comment as he has no phone apart from a toy replica incapable of receiving cellular signals. However, Ronald’s lifelong friend and colleague, Grimace, agreed to answer a few of our questions.

Goldmind’s Unwind: “Did Mr. McDonald ever indicate to you why he visited Neverland Ranch?”

Grimace: “Rubble rubble. Rubble rubble rubble rubble.”

GU: “But if it was innocent, why was no formal announcement of the meeting ever made?”

GR: “Rubble! Rubble rubble rubble rubble!”

GU: “So Mr. McDonald is or isn’t trafficking in young boys?”

GR: “Rubble! Rrrrubbblle!”

GU: “Well back at you, you fat purple turd! Wanna take it outside?”

No matter how you slice it, it’s a sordid state of affairs in the obese world of two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun. Either Ronald McDonald’s special sauce has finally caught up to him, or the corporate gurus at McDonald’s have saddled us with years of another ridiculous mascot out of sheer spite. Either way, that creepy burger king mascot is starting to look better all the time.

New York Times Rejects Goldminds Unwind Political Cartoon

The New York Times—a newspaper—today rejected an unsolicited political cartoon (left, click to enlarge) apparently drawn, colored, & submitted by Goldmind. Goldmind appeared unfazed by the rejection and, indeed, unaware he had drawn the cartoon. But numbsain swears he did that day they were drinking Colt45 tall boys in Mountain View. No futher details are warranted.

Additional details by numbsain:
"I saw him draw it and in fact I handed him the crayons (I chose the face color) and it was not Colt45 tall boys, it was Mezcal served by short girls in thongs (or maybe they were moccasins... I do know we were wearing Keds High Tops) and it was not Mountain View it was Sierra Vista, Mexico. Oh, and I had an outstanding warrant but Goldmind was unwarranted.

Smoking Lungs - America's Latest Addiction (click image to enlarge)

This realistic police sketch of a 16 year-old girl smoking lungs, illustrates a growing addiction among our youth. Not LSD, not Mushrooms, not Ecstacy, not Cocaine, not Crack, not Speed, not whatever trendy drug we're not hip enough to know about because those days are behind us or are too lazy to research because we've been drinking wine. No folks, smoking lungs is one damn big problem.

Amateurish Drawing by Goldmind

2007 Smartest & Stupidest Human Award

by Goldmind

Hello and welcome to this year's addition of Publisher’s Clearing Louse’ Smartest and Stupidest Human in the World Contest. We are pleased to announce this year's winners: Smartest goes to Ms. Intelligent of New York City and Stupidest to Mr. Dumb from Lake Tahoe. I’m thrilled to be able to congratulate each of you in being named this year’s grand prize winners …First, let me ask you, Mr. Dumb, how does it fell to be named this year's stupidest human in the world?

DUMB: Dumb no mind, Dumb happy. Dumb love wife; wife love Dumb. Dumb love mom; mom love Dumb. Dumb not need Dumb money to help Dumb family.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Wonderful! Now, Ms. Intelligent, how does it feel being named the smartest person in the world?

SMART: Well Bob, that’s an excellent query. And I can unequivocally state that my satisfaction is ephemeral.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Splendid! Would you mind telling us a little bit about what it is you do?

SMART: Certainly Bob, I’m an important tax attorney for a prestigious New York City law firm. Seven days a week, at 5 A.M., I commute an hour and a half to a prestigious office tower where I ride a prestigious elevator to a prestigious floor where I’m greeted by prestigious receptionists as I make my way toward my prestigious office—which, incidentally, holds prestigious certificates and awards. Then, I sit down behind a prestigious desk and spend 16 hours researching prestigious issues, such as the apportionment of income to nonresident partners of multi-tiered member managed limited liability companies.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Riveting! I recall reading somewhere that at one point you had wanted to be an elementary school art teacher?

SMART: That’s correct Bob. I gave that up when my husband—who stays at home with our two small kids—threatened to leave me if I quit my very high paying job that is also very prestigious. But the pills help.

DAN: The pills?

SMART: Yes Bob; Wellbutrin for the depression and Focalin to help me maintain interest throughout the day. Once those pills kick in, I might as well be watching the Russian Ice Ballet from prestigious box seats—such is the illusion the pills create!

BOB SEQUIOUS: Impressive! Well thank you so much Ms. Intelligent. Mr. Dumb, can you tell us something about the work that you’re currently involved with?

DUMB: Sun on face wake up Dumb each morning. Dumb walk outside. Clear trail that go for miles in California national park. Walk many miles each day. See chipmunk, squirrel, deers. Feed animal sometime. Dumb eat food Dumb grow in Dumb garden. Dumb so tired at end of day, Dumb sleep sound in Dumb shack in national park where Dumb live.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Well, you certainly appear to be in excellent physical condition and that is a very nice tan. Exactly how old are you Mr. Dumb, around 28?

DUMB: Dumb not know how old is Dumb. Dumb born 1957. Make Dumb 28?

BOB SEQUIOUS: Well there you have it folks – the Smartest and the Stupidest Person in the entire world. But don’t feel sorry for Mr. Dumb folks; we can all rest easy knowing that our society is creating folks just like Ms. Intelligent more and more these days.

~Brought to you by Glaxo-Thrillcum: “If you’re prestigious, we’ve got your pill”~

NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWS FLINCH

FIRE FIGHTERS WHO FLED IN-FLIGHT FIRE FIGHT TO FIGHT FIRE ON FLIGHT, FIRED
—editorial by Dr Numbseuss

Two fire fighters caught in an in-flight fire fight
on flight five bound for Fiji were fired last night.
The two fled the bloodshed to fight fire instead
which flared up in mid air at five thirty, they said.

"It isn't so fair that they fired the pair."
Said Ms. Bear, Flight Commissioner Cheif of O'hare
To fight fire, not fire fight was the fire fighters right,
since they paid there air fare and were there fair and square.

Blair McLair and Clyde Kildare were quite unaware
that a fire fight would have flared up way up there.
And because they were scared they were quite unprepared.
And they felt that their skills were more needed elsewhere.

The two knew they were doomed if the fire consumed
the flight crew, so they did the right thing, they assumed.
The two fire fighters did what they knew they had to do.
I would do the same thing if I was in their shoe.

The man who began the fire fight had a plan
which had something to do with smuggling contraband:
First to skyjack the plane and then fly back to spain
bringing back a napsack jam packed with crack cocaine.

To fire fight with this man they should not be required.
That's why these two fire fighters should not have been fired.

************************************
THE EYEWITLESS NEWS TOP STORIES
************************************
DOUBLE HIT AND RUN
Two drivers simultaneously hit each other and ran.
Police investigating the case were quoted as saying:
"That's fine."

SUICIDE VICTIM CONFESSES TO CRIME, DIES
Police apprehended a man suspected of suicide. After a lengthy interrogation the suspect/victim finally confessed to the crime and then died. Police Chief Billy Klubb said: "We can't have people living in denial."

MINOR MISCONDUCT FOUND IN MAJOR INVESTIGATION
An investigation revealed that an army Major committed acts of misconduct with a minor. Investigators said it was nothing that major... (wouldn't have done to any minor)

POLICE QUESTION MAN KILLED BY SUSPECT
A "question man" for the police was killed after asking a suspect too many questions. "This is the third question man we've lost which raises some serious questions that no one is willing to ask". But the question mans questionable questioning tactics are unquestionably brought into question. Reporters had no further questions.

HIT AND RUN VICTIM ADMITS TO HIT AND RUN
A hit and run victim who came forth as the prime suspect in the case
pled guilty to committing the hit and run himself. "It suddenly hit me that I had to stop running".

WEATHER FORECAST
Partly mostly with a chance of maybe clearing throughout.
Possible chance of a fairly good likelihood conditions may continue indefinitely depending on variables.
No signs of any indications at present but meteorologists are still expecting to stay on alert for the unlikely eventuality that there may be no cause for concern.

SPORTS
Men in brightly colored costumes banged into each other and some fell down. Someone probably won, certainly everyone involved was paid way too much money. Injuries may have occured at some point to someone but that's to be expected when there's this much money involved.

HONEST ASTROLOGY
Mercury went retrograde so don't try to do anything at all.
The moon went void of course, it always does.
Mars saw venus rising in Uranus and that wasn't pretty.
Anyone who is a Libra can kiss their sorry ass goodbye.
It's not looking too good for Gemini and Pisces either, lot of suffering and hardship there.
Tauruses can relax for a minute but all the other signs are pretty much screwed.

This Eyewitless News Flinch has been presented by Numbsain.
Sponsored by Numbsain Inc. "Smart people doing dumb things to make dumb people feel smart!"
and by Atchoo Inc. "Atchoo... Bless you!"
and by GEZUNTIGHT LTD. "The Tightest Gezuns are made by Gezuntight"
and by Oops I Farted! "What's that smell?—Oops I Farted!"
and by the Law Offices of Chewen, Chewen, Chewen & Gulp "Aaah-torneys at Law"

Lady Shady Hosts a Seance

by Goldmind

[Lady Shady is conducting a seance and is attempting to call upon a spirit]

I feel a presence... The spirit is here... Spirit, are you here?

(the spirit answers) "I am here."

In this room?

"In this room."

Near the table?

"Near the table."

Echo?...

"Huh?"

Nevermind....Oh, spirit, what is thy name?

"Bob"

Bob?

"That's what I said."

Do you have a last name oh Bob?

"No - my mom didn't think me worthy - Of COURSE I have a last name. Doesn't everyone?"

What is your last name?

"What difference does it make? Why do you need it?"

It's okay if you don't want to disclose your last name.

"I have no problem telling you my last name. It's Smith."

Where are you oh Bob Smith?

"Bob's fine, and I already told you, I'm right next to you, sitting down on a couch, watching a football game."

Can you tell us whe...did you just say you were watching a football game?

"Yeah. It's almost the 4th quarter; maybe we could pick things up a bit."

You can watch TV?

"Of course I can watch TV. It's a free country ain't it? There's no law against it."

Spirit Bob, where are you from?

"Oh fleshy human, I'm from Georgia."

Are you in Georgia now?

"Are you a retard? I told you I was in the room with you all. Are YOU in Georgia? No. We're all in California, right?"

Why are you in California?

"Why are you in California? I always thought the land was overpriced."

Well... how is it that you came to be here?

"How the hell should I know? I'm not a rocket scientist."

Can you tell us about the future Bob?

"If I could tell you about the future, you think I'd be watching this game? Maybe you shoulda called Nostradumass."

We...we wish to understand something about you...who you are...or who you were.

"I WAS Bob Smith. I AM Bob Smith, still. I like football, especially the dawgs. They have a great freshman running back this year. And they have this quarterba... hey, hold up a sec...that's my other line. Hey...I gotta take this. Are we done?"

We thank you oh wise spirit Bob Smith. And we bid thee peace on thy journey towards union with the All-That-Is and we therefore close this circle of white light and divine inspiration with the banishing of the lesser pentagram.

"Okey dokey then... whatever you sa-TOUCHDOWN!!!"

12 Worst American College Mascots

assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness, & numbsain
("Wiscy," pictured to the right, did not make our list this year)

12. The baboon redbutts

11. The sissy puffs

10. The roids

9. The nads (Go Nads!)

8. The excitable toddlers

7. The convalescing old farts

6. The camel's toes
5. The women scorned
4. The snotty tissues
3. The fighting starfish

2. 10 slow white guys and a black running back who's fast

1. The Mullets

From the Patent Office: The Graveyard of Discarded Inventions

By Cheddar

1. Vend-a-goat The exotic choice for the slaving office Joe with an adventurous palette, Vend-a-goat provided a wholesome, nutritious hit of chewy protein. Although the prototype was a smash success in test markets, the vending machine was shelved after it repeatedly malfunctioned when users attempted to shake goats loose from the coil tension springs. After its failure, creator Ben Dover moved in Birmingham Alabama where he later became a successful lawn jockey.



2. Charmin 600 ply For the giga pooper in every family, Charmin developed this industrial device in the 1960s . Its 600 feather-ply ultra soft feel was often compared to the sensation of wiping one's behind with the silk of paradise. The product was shelved out of respect to Mr. Whipple, who suffered a massive coronary while attempting to squeeze the fluff pack and simultaneously asphyxiate himself with scented baby wipes to heighten the pleasurable effect.



3. The Noodle Fan - Artfully designed to attach to any chopstick, Ho Ree Shet invented the device to solve the ancient and vexing Chinese "hot noodle" dilemma. Each fan contained a long-lasting battery calibrated to provide a continuous breeze capable of cooling six billion noodles. However, while attempting to shepherd a bevy of noodles to expectant, gaping mouths, 60% of focus group participants were disappointed to find their own severed finger, lip, tongue, or nostril in the bowl, and the noodle fan was relegated to obscurity.



4. The Cowasaki Ninja - Invented in, you guessed it, Texas, the Cowasaki Ninja was a visual nose-thumbing at Orange County Choppers. Even the advertising slogan developed for the bike—"Chop this!"— was an aggressive affront to the Orange County Chopper fan base. The machine failed when internet commentator and critic Jugz3572 labeled it "gay" on his daily blog. Saddled with the debilitating moniker, the Cowasaki faded into obscurity.



5. "Asswipes for Assholes" - New York City retailer, Products For Dirty Fannies Inc.'s frankly named offering was doomed upon release. Initially designed for the Middle East as a quick way to clean up after diuretic donkeys, the product struck out following a hard-edged ad campaign in English - a language few members of its intended Arabic audience understood: "Did your Donkey Defecate? Asswipes for Assholes!!" Only one package ever made it onto a shelf.



Know of any other failed products? Have good accompanying pictures? Email them to blogdump@fuse.net !

Today's Spotlight on Addiction: The Scooby Doo Cartoon Problem

by Goldmind

Addiction. Is it a problem? Yes. For many, that addiction is narcotics; for others, gambling, sex, and Robitussin. Fortunately, assistance is available. Charitable organizations, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, continue to help struggling addicts tussle with inner demons through such radical techniques as the use of support groups.

There is, however, a debilitating addiction being swept under the green shag carpet. An addiction that has become so menacing, so terrifyingly alarming, it warrants two minutes of thoughtless reflection.

The following is an anonymous transcript secretly scribed at an underground meeting of an organization that is courageously opposing this addiction known throughout the televised world simply as…the cartoon “Scooby Doo.”

Hi, my name is John.

[collective reply from folks in room]:
“Hi John!”

This is my first time here…And, I, you know, I came to talk about…what it was like… My Scooby Doo problem.

I started watching Scooby Doo around 10 years ago. It was the good Scooby Doo…you know, the one that began with the bats flying out of the old mansion. Those damned bats! ... “Squeak squeak squeak squeak!” I can still hear the feint echo of their fleshy wings today…fluttering…fluttering.... I loved them. And each day, I would come home and sit down on my couch, eat cocoa puffs…and watch. Sometimes I’d sing along if it was a season two rerun. You remember the songs: “Seven days a week now! ….Seven days a week!” Its seductive beauty called to me like animated Sirens.

Unfortunately, I listened to that Siren song. I…I began to dress like them. An ascot, a lime-green t-shirt… an orange skirt… Each day, the same outfit. Then, slowly, I began to talk different. At first, it was subtle…an occasional “zoiks” if surprised, a judicious “jinkies” to express alarm, sometimes I even accentuated the punch lines of a bawdy joke with a well-timed “Jeepers!” But then it was entire sentences and, before long, I was forcing friends to listen to 30-minute soliloquies of dialogue from classic episodes like “Whose Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolf?”



It began to affect my relationships. I stopped hanging around airport bathrooms and took to running with a group of aimless teens. We bought a van; scrawled “mystery” on the side with a permanent marker, and frequented desolate roads and abandoned rock quarries. And there were the parties. Sometimes I arrived as a mummy pretending to search for an ancient, precious medallion; other times, as an angry Miner-49er, aggressively protecting a stash of buried gold. We would alternate chasing each other down long hallways…growling…swiping…stopping only when our victim, having carelessly dropped a pair of eye glasses, failed to realize we were a monster.



I bottomed out. My grandmother had had enough and… left me. Why? In a word - Daphne. Ahhhh, Daphne; I couldn’t get Daphne out of my head. I used to imagine us splitting up from the others, searching through hidden corridors, opening creaky doors and cupboards. I could no longer focus on my work as a royal food tester or on my wives and seventeen children. All I could see was Daphne’s swishing purple clad bottom and pink nylons. Daphne…Daphne... I became morbidly obese; the 35-layer hero sandwiches and 3 tons of Scooby snacks I consumed each night only seemed to exacerbate the problem. Then I

[Suddenly, a shout from someone in the back of room interrupts the speech]
“Hey…I don’t know WHO this guy is everyone, but I do know one thing, HE AIN’T JOHN. I KNOW a John!

[Stunned silence…then suddenly someone shouts “Get Him!” This is followed by complete chaos and shouting then the overhead lights go out but just as quickly come back on. A Sheriff suddenly appears in the room and speaks]:
“This man isn’t John?”

[Someone in the audience, while tightly gripping the man who may not actually be John, replies]:
“No. You see, that’s what they WANT you to think.”

[this person then rips of a mask that had been covering John’s face. Crowd loudly gasps and collectively shouts]:
It’s Mr. Wopples! The Chair of Scooby Doo Anonymous!!!

[Mr. Wopples sneers, then begins to speak in a menacing tone]:
“That’s right you dodo heads, it’s ME, Mr. Wopples!! I always hated you. ALL OF YA! It’s high time we stopped this nonsense…got back to the way things used to be. Hmmmph. And you know what else? I’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

[The Sheriff smiles, then, while whisking the villain away says with a smile]:
“You kids did a fine job! Milkshakes on me!”



[One of the apprehenders named Fred shouts]
“Hey, everybody. Let’s head to the malt shop!!! [Cheers follow]

[Just then, a woman from the back of the room suddenly shouts]
“Wait…he’s still here!! The imposter…he must have gotten away from the Sheriff!!!”

[Panic abruptly ensues. Then a man named Shaggy tepidly approaches the villain and rips off yet another mask]
Hey, it’s my dog!!

Scooby Dooby Dooooooooooooo!!!!!!

[collective laughter] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!

[Cue bats flying out of mansion…squeak…squeak…squeak…squeak!]

Scooby Dooby Doo

Where are you?

We’ve got some work to do now...

Aged Adage Aptitude Test

by numbsain
Have you ever noticed how elders don't really bother to talk about things anymore? They just have those old sayings, gems of wisdom and tidbits of advice that sum up every situation. Here's a multiple choice quiz to see if you were really listening or were they casting pearls before swine.

You can't keep a good man...
a. wrapped in plastic in the freezer
b. From wearing your lingerie
c. a secret
d. down

Necessity is the mother of...
a. evil
b. Hercules
c. all battles
d. invention

You can't make a silk purse...
a. out of a monkeys scrotum
b. out of a sows ear
c. for a dead nurse
d. without breaking a few worms

Many a truth...
a. is said in jest
b. is said at gun point
c. is said with a flourish and a wink
d. is oft' uncouth

The grass is always greener...
a. if you water it
b. when you’re drunk
c. on the other side of the fence
d. in Kentucky in the spring

Father knows..
a. bourbon
b. best
c. squat
d. we hate him

You can take the kid out of the country...
a. but you can't leave him in Mexico
b. but you can't take the country out of the kid
c. but you can't launch him into space
d. But you can't keep running forever

Children should be seen...
a. and not run over
b. within the confines of a cell
c. and not heard
d. and not smelled

All work and no play makes Jack...
a. $$$RICH$$$
b. a dull boy
c. a valuable employee
d. have a midlife crisis at 25

Don't count your chickens...
a. out loud, others are trying to count too
b. before they're hatched
c. on the fingers that you're lickin'
d. feathers, it will take too long

A cat has nine...
a. lives
b. toes
c. ways to recline
d. thoughts a day

You can't teach an old dog...
a. algebra
b. to play dead, it's tempting fate
c. new tricks
d. to walk himself

It's better to have loved and lost...
a. all your teeth than date Lorena Bobbit
b. after you've brushed and flossed
c. count than to only love once
d. than never to have loved at all

The best things in life are...
a. taken
b. free
c. sex, drugs and rock and roll
d. really great

A bird in the hand..
a. is worth two in the bush
b. is usually terrified and will bite you
c. is the best way to deal with rude drivers
d. feels really weird

Time flies when you’re...
a. bored and want to see how fast they can go
b. old
c. having fun
d. going 299,792,458 meters per second

When the going gets tough...
a. the going gets rough
b. the meat gets tender
c. the tough strut their stuff
d. the tough get going

You can lead a horse to water...
a. but you can't lead a fish to hay
b. but you can't give him a bubble bath
c. by giving him clear written directions
d. but you can't make him drink

Winners never quit...
a. so don't try to beat them
b. and quitters never win
c. that's why there are so few of them left alive
d. and witters never quin

Beauty is only...
a. for women
b. until you get old, wrinkly, and saggy
c. skin deep
d. a matter of the right surgeon

Never let them see you...
a. pick your nose and wipe it under the table
b. sweat
c. naked
d. steal cash from your mom's purse

Monkey see...
a. monkey do
b. see? look at the monkey! Isn't he funny
c. all
d. you, monkey kill you

Curiosity killed the...
a. surprise
b. cat
c. lights
d. mood

A watched pot...
a. never grows old
b. head always gets caught
c. Is a happy pot
d. never boils

People who live in glass houses...
a. are exhibitionists
b. shouldn't throw stones
c. are in the clear
d. don't need windows

You can't squeeze blood out of...
a. a hamster
b. a dead hemophiliac
c. a turnip
d. kosher meat

Don't throw good money...
a. in the toilet
b. after bad
c. at beggars
d. out with the bath water

He who laughs last...
a. cries first
b. laughs best
c. is the stupidest
d. voted for Goldminds Unwind

The letter of the right answer for each is indicated to the left of the correct choice.

by numbsain

Goldmind Visits Lady Shady: The ADHD Fortune Teller

by Goldmind

Lady Shady, what do you see?

I see mist…fog…

Why is it foggy?

You’re leaning too close to the crystal ball. It’s condensation from your breath.

Oh, sorry. (leans back) Do you see anything now?

Yes…a car…riding down a highway.

A car riding down a highway?

Yes.

What kind of car?

A 1985 Buick Skylark Sedan with velour upholstery, front wheel drive, and a V6 engine.

Oh. Uh, what is it doing? What’s this about? I mean, what’s the significance of this?

This car once passed you.

Passed me? The car just once passed me? Does this mean anything?

No.

What else do you see?

I see… wait!….I see…you. Yes, you…shopping. You are shopping at a store.

Does this take place in the future?

Yes.

What store is it?

Walmart.

What am I doing?

You’re buying lightbulbs.

Why am I buying lightbulbs?

A lightbulb burned out at your house…you were out of spare lightbulbs. You went to Walmart to buy lightbulbs…Wait! Wait! There’s something else...

What?!!

You’re stopping…on your way to the cash register.

Why am I stopping?

You….you…. you’re picking up a soda. A Coca Cola…a Diet Coke. You’re putting a Diet Coke in a basket.

…. Look, maybe you could just tell me something about…you know…my future. Something where I’m not shopping or being passed by a car. Something I’d want to know now that might happen in the future?

I understand. One moment…one moment please… I’m getting something…it’s dark. It’s very dark.

Why is it dark?

It’s night.

Can you see anything?

No.

Well…can you hear anything?

Yes. I hear…crickets…and traffic in the distance.

Where am I?

In California.

I live in California.

You’re in California still. It’s night. You’re in California at nighttime.

Well, what part of California?

I cannot tell. It is too dark.

…is there ANYTHING you can tell me about the future that might be useful?

I see a struggle.

Between who?

You and me.

What? Why?

You didn't go to the ATM and you haven't got the cash to pay me.

What happens?

I take credit cards.

~Goldmind

Stalemate

by numbsain

B. Today we have a special guest with us. Someone who needs no introduction, so without further ado, let's bring him out shall we?

Audience: (Applause)

B. We’re just all so excited that you were able to come today and talk with us.
M.R. Oh, sure you were.
B. It’s such a thrill to meet you.
M.R. Big thrills.
B. I’m sure you feel the same way, right?
M.R. Oh, of course! my gosh, this is like the high point of my life.
B. Oh come now, my show’s not that special. I’m sure there are others that are more important.
M.R. More important than this? Gosh no, this is as good as it gets.
B. Oh you’re pulling my leg.
M.R. Who me? I wouldn’t dream of it.
B. Are you sure because you sound a little sarcastic to me.
M.R. Really? I can’t imagine why.
B. Look maybe we should just wrap it up.
M.R. Oh, I’m so disappointed.
B. Your hurting my feelings.
M.R. Aw your feelings? I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.
B. are you sure?
M.R. Positive.
B. You really do like my show?
M.R. Absolutely.
B. Aw, that’s so nice, but you know, I never realized how gullible you were.
M.R. What? are you serious?
B. Hyuk Hyuk! Gotcha!
M.R. You set me up! I’ll get you for this!
B. Oh, a little hostile are we?
M.R. You’re damn right I’m hostile.
B. You’re serious?
M.R. You have no idea. Did you forget, I can destroy you with one phone call?
B. Okay look, I didn’t want to say this but I know what you did with those kids and I’ve got enough on you to have you thrown in prison for a long time, Mr. Rogers!
M.R. Think about it: if I go down, You're going down with me, Barney.
B. Grrr...
M.R. Hmm...

B. It’s a beau-ti-ful day in the neigh-bor-hood a...

M.R. I love you, you love me, were a hap-py fa-mi-ly...

~numbsain