50 Bumper Stickers Likely to Confuse or Anger Fellow Americans (recently revised/updated)

editors disclaimer: The following suggestions are a JOKE and your kind, loving authors do not desire to offend anyone at all whatsoever in any way, shape, or form and cannot be responsible for anyone blowin' a gasket. Please do not be angry at such authors or desire hell-fire upon their souls. Thank you.

50. Nice people swallow
49. Terrified immigrants in trunk
48. If you can read this, I'll bust a cap in your ass!
47. I'd rather be driving
46. My son is a lazy fat ass at ___ Middle School
45. Car carries no driver
44. This is my opinion
43. My child is a retard; he thinks this touts his scholastic achievement
42. Christians for Phariseeism
41. Honk if you're a non-conformist
40. Hillary Clinton also spells "Nylon Tar Chilli"
39. A dirty possum gave me crabs
38. Jesus Loves Me... every night
37. This vehicle equipped with Fred Flintstone brakes
36. Seeing eye dog on board
35. I'd rather be sodomized
34. Kosher Killer Klowns on Board
33. I love bumper cars!
32. Is necrophilia really so wrong?
31. I'm deeply in love with my money grubbing, scum sucking wife
30. Let's all crash into a wall & go to heaven right now!
29. I sure do have to pee in that last stall at the rest stop on Exit 45
28. God asked me to kill you
27. Proud American Nationalistic Ethnocentric Mother Fucker
26. My child ain't squat of the month
25. Jesus wore K-mart sandals!
24. I love golden showers!
23. Jimmy Smokes Crack and I don't care
22. Objects in driver’s seat are smarter than they appear
21. Jesus is my lord and savior....but Tito is my pool boy
20. Why don't you let your student of the month drive?
19. My child was aborted
18. I shoot people who pass me
17. I vomit out my sunroof
16. I love unattended children
15. Steven Hawking is a moron!
14. Driver loves hard licker
13. We're all dead in this car, which is careening out of control as we speak.
12. I eat babies
11. I bought this Mercedes with crack dollars!
10. Catch my 2-year old!
9. As for me and my house, we shall worship a horned hoofed beast
8. Bastard Magnet
7. I'm on acid and this road looks like chocolate
6. Old enough to pee, old enough for me
5. My child is the owner of a Congressional Medal of Honor, the Nobel Prize, and a Pulitzer Prize. Now what was it you were saying about your child?
4. My other car is a piece of shit too
3. Yes I believe in equal rights, Bitch
2. Assholes are just nice people turned upside down
1. How’s my drinking?
~numbsain, Guinness, Cheese, Goldmind

Indifferent to Rejection, Goldmind Continues to Send Cartoons to New York Times (click to enlarge)

New York Times Rejects Goldminds Unwind Political Cartoon

The New York Times—a newspaper—today rejected an unsolicited political cartoon (left, click to enlarge) apparently drawn, colored, & submitted by Goldmind. Goldmind appeared unfazed by the rejection and, indeed, unaware he had drawn the cartoon. But numbsain swears he did that day they were drinking Colt45 tall boys in Mountain View. No futher details are warranted.

Additional details by numbsain:
"I saw him draw it and in fact I handed him the crayons (I chose the face color) and it was not Colt45 tall boys, it was Mezcal served by short girls in thongs (or maybe they were moccasins... I do know we were wearing Keds High Tops) and it was not Mountain View it was Sierra Vista, Mexico. Oh, and I had an outstanding warrant but Goldmind was unwarranted.

Little Deer (click to enlarge)

Goldmind recently discovered the cartoon at left, titled "Little Deer," in the bottom of a dusty drawer in his California condo. Turns out, Goldmind first assembled this cartoon in 1997. This discovery was quite baffling. After all, the lines delivered by the hapless deer were recently attributed to a yawning rabbit in a post that appeared on this Blog just 2 weeks ago.

According to Dr. Scientist, the odds of this coincidence occurring are 1,456,292,109,200 to 1. It is, therefore, the opinion of Goldmind's Unwind that it is the destiny of the U.S. to see this cartoon and that it will initiate a global change in consciousness that will create everlasting peace.

Tales of the Big Ass Wolf. Episode 1 (click to enlarge)

by Goldmind

Smoking Lungs - America's Latest Addiction (click image to enlarge)

This realistic police sketch of a 16 year-old girl smoking lungs, illustrates a growing addiction among our youth. Not LSD, not Mushrooms, not Ecstacy, not Cocaine, not Crack, not Speed, not whatever trendy drug we're not hip enough to know about because those days are behind us or are too lazy to research because we've been drinking wine. No folks, smoking lungs is one damn big problem.

Amateurish Drawing by Goldmind

NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWS FLINCH

FIRE FIGHTERS WHO FLED IN-FLIGHT FIRE FIGHT TO FIGHT FIRE ON FLIGHT, FIRED
—editorial by Dr Numbseuss

Two fire fighters caught in an in-flight fire fight
on flight five bound for Fiji were fired last night.
The two fled the bloodshed to fight fire instead
which flared up in mid air at five thirty, they said.

"It isn't so fair that they fired the pair."
Said Ms. Bear, Flight Commissioner Cheif of O'hare
To fight fire, not fire fight was the fire fighters right,
since they paid there air fare and were there fair and square.

Blair McLair and Clyde Kildare were quite unaware
that a fire fight would have flared up way up there.
And because they were scared they were quite unprepared.
And they felt that their skills were more needed elsewhere.

The two knew they were doomed if the fire consumed
the flight crew, so they did the right thing, they assumed.
The two fire fighters did what they knew they had to do.
I would do the same thing if I was in their shoe.

The man who began the fire fight had a plan
which had something to do with smuggling contraband:
First to skyjack the plane and then fly back to spain
bringing back a napsack jam packed with crack cocaine.

To fire fight with this man they should not be required.
That's why these two fire fighters should not have been fired.

************************************
THE EYEWITLESS NEWS TOP STORIES
************************************
DOUBLE HIT AND RUN
Two drivers simultaneously hit each other and ran.
Police investigating the case were quoted as saying:
"That's fine."

SUICIDE VICTIM CONFESSES TO CRIME, DIES
Police apprehended a man suspected of suicide. After a lengthy interrogation the suspect/victim finally confessed to the crime and then died. Police Chief Billy Klubb said: "We can't have people living in denial."

MINOR MISCONDUCT FOUND IN MAJOR INVESTIGATION
An investigation revealed that an army Major committed acts of misconduct with a minor. Investigators said it was nothing that major... (wouldn't have done to any minor)

POLICE QUESTION MAN KILLED BY SUSPECT
A "question man" for the police was killed after asking a suspect too many questions. "This is the third question man we've lost which raises some serious questions that no one is willing to ask". But the question mans questionable questioning tactics are unquestionably brought into question. Reporters had no further questions.

HIT AND RUN VICTIM ADMITS TO HIT AND RUN
A hit and run victim who came forth as the prime suspect in the case
pled guilty to committing the hit and run himself. "It suddenly hit me that I had to stop running".

WEATHER FORECAST
Partly mostly with a chance of maybe clearing throughout.
Possible chance of a fairly good likelihood conditions may continue indefinitely depending on variables.
No signs of any indications at present but meteorologists are still expecting to stay on alert for the unlikely eventuality that there may be no cause for concern.

SPORTS
Men in brightly colored costumes banged into each other and some fell down. Someone probably won, certainly everyone involved was paid way too much money. Injuries may have occured at some point to someone but that's to be expected when there's this much money involved.

HONEST ASTROLOGY
Mercury went retrograde so don't try to do anything at all.
The moon went void of course, it always does.
Mars saw venus rising in Uranus and that wasn't pretty.
Anyone who is a Libra can kiss their sorry ass goodbye.
It's not looking too good for Gemini and Pisces either, lot of suffering and hardship there.
Tauruses can relax for a minute but all the other signs are pretty much screwed.

This Eyewitless News Flinch has been presented by Numbsain.
Sponsored by Numbsain Inc. "Smart people doing dumb things to make dumb people feel smart!"
and by Atchoo Inc. "Atchoo... Bless you!"
and by GEZUNTIGHT LTD. "The Tightest Gezuns are made by Gezuntight"
and by Oops I Farted! "What's that smell?—Oops I Farted!"
and by the Law Offices of Chewen, Chewen, Chewen & Gulp "Aaah-torneys at Law"

by numbsain

Sometime in the Distant Future.... (Episodes-3&4 Just added!)

~by numbsain

T. Interesting... fascinating... very unusual... I think you had better come look at this, Moron"

M. What is it now, Tampax?

T. No, not now, 4000 years in the past. I'm not sure exactly but it appears to be a document recorded using crude binary code and transmitted electronically.

M. Can you make out what it says?

T. It will take me 2.7 minutes to decipher and another 4.3 nanoseconds to transcribe. Shall I proceed?

M. Very well, but hurry.

T. Working on it. This animate blob has a very disturbing appearance, it seems to be a life form. Corporeal carbon based. Extremely primitive.

M. Is it aware of our presence?

T. Unlikely. Even if it did have the mental capacity to perceive us, it would have no way of understanding what it was sensing.

M. What is it doing?

T. It seems to be activating an electron manipulating device with its appendages by closing circuits which produce small changes in the radiated output of this light emitting substrate as well as changes to the electronic document I am attempting to decipher. Let me archive search this activity... give me a nanosecond.

M. Be quick Tampax I haven't got all second.

T. Here it is: that is a human being, a primitive life form that once inhabited the third planet of this star, the one we presently occupy, and it is inputting data into a device called a computer.

M. But why would such a creature be involved in so specific an activity? Shouldn't it be scurrying around trying to absorb sustenance from its environment?

T. My guess is that it is entering data into this communication bulletin for global broadcast. These bulletins are called "Blogs." They are transmitted for a variety of communication purposes. This ones purpose is "humor."

M. Humor? Was that not the method by which ancient life forms prevented self destruction and were able to delay their extinction for several generations longer than was expected?

T. Yes. By incorporating humor into their thoughts, they evolved to a point where they came very close to crossing the dimensional barriers which confined them to limited durations and delayed the process of physical decay.

M. But only a few of these beings actually succeeded in producing and transmitting humor of that magnitude. Check the archives let's see if the data matches

T. Look at that! This blog is entitled "Goldmind's Unwind" and that is the title of the blog that survived the longest and almost allowed this life form to cross over the dimensional barrier.

M. Incredible! what is it doing now Tampax?

T. I do not know Moron but there seems to be a correlation between our thought transmissions and the data it is inputting.

M. What? Are you sure?

T. I'm going to configure that device to directly translate in real time.

M. What will this tell us?

T. !!... Repeat.

M. What will this tell us?

T. Repeat again!!!!

M. Is there a malfunction with your bioreceptors Tampax? That is the second repetition you've requested.

T. Don't you see it!?

M. What is that? There it just did it again!!

T. Testing... Testing 1... 2... 3... Most alarming. How could this be?

M. I don't know, but it is perfectly tracking our thoughts... look at that. It did it again! ...every time. What is it doing with the data?

T. Entering it into this humor blog!

M. Do you mean to say this life form is somehow tracking our thoughts and entering it into this blog for the purpose of humor!!??

T. Yes, Moron and it is transmitting everything we are saying all across this planet to others of its kind 4000 years ago!!!

M. There are others listening to what we are saying and it is humor to them?

T. Yes.

M. Tampax, do you realize what this means?

T. They are laughing at us!

M. Those horrible primitive beasts!

T. How dare they! Do they have any idea how superior we are to them?! Of all the unmitigated audacity. I hate these creatures! Stop it! Stop mocking me!

M. Quick Tampax, Encrypt our thoughts so they can't make fun of us anymore!

T. Right away, Moron. Just one more nanosecond... there!

#. (*)_^&%*(()_ˆ¨¥†©˙

fl. ∆˙¬˙©ƒ∂Í∆¬…æ

#. ¨ˆØÔÓÁƒπª•

This concludes our broadcast of "Tampax & Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"
Pyscho-interdimensionally channeled and recorded by Numbsain of Goldminds Unwind: The Blog that almost saved the Human Race.

-Numbsain

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

The Continued Adventures of Tampax and Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"

M. What's the matter Tampax? Why so glum?

T. Glum? Is that not an emotion? We are highly evolved light beings. We do not have emotions. And I resent you implying that I do, Moron.

M. I did not imply that you had emotions Tampax, but you've been moping around this enclosure for minutes now, ever since those silly carbon based humans made a total mockery of us.

T. Moping? I beg your pardon Moron, but I do not mope. And they did not make a total mockery of us. It was a partial mockery.

M. No, I'm afraid not Tampax, it was a total mockery. Did you see the way the corners of its sustenance receptacle were turned up slightly and it kept making the hukking sound? Those were indicators of a response to humor, Tampax. They thought we were hilarious.

T. You're lying Moron!

M. No. Tampax, I wish I were. Another nanosecond or two and that human being might have been rolling on the floor with laughter. It might have been in tears in fact. You really tickled its funny bone.

T. What? Me? Are you trying to be insensitive? I mean, not that I care because I am far too advanced to feel pride or shame or embarrassment or any of the other human being emotions.

M. Ah, I see you've been studying them too. Yes these emotions seem to be the most intriguing of their qualities... From a research standpoint that is.

T. Oh don't bullshit me Moron you know you find it a little more than intriguing, you big... presenter of a false impression of ones self for the purpose of bolsteri—

M. Phony? I believe is the word you are looking for.

T. So what if it is? You ARE a big phony Moron because you think you are so great but you are not. Don't even talk to me Moron. I hate you.

M. Oh come now Tampax, I saw you eyeing those seratonin ports in that human's brain. I saw your visual cortex become flushed with neurons in anticipation of the humans dopamine receptors being rewarded.

T. It must have been so... pleasurable.

SUDDENLY, A PAIR OF FELLOW LIGHT BEINGS MATERIALIZE BEFORE TAMPAX AND MORON...

B. Greetings Moron and Tampax.

M. Who are you?

P. We are Pepsi and Blistex, we were sent by the Controller Mega-Gulp to intervene.

T. Intervene? But why, we have done nothing wrong. We were ju—

M. Forget it, Tampax. We can't weasel our way out of this, they know what we've done. Go ahead terminate us. Once we've had a taste of it, we'll never stop trying to get it. We knew the risk we were taking but it was worth it, wasn't it Tampax?

T. Huh? ...What...

M. WASN'T IT TAMPAX?

T. Uh... Oh! Yes! it was worth it. We knew we would be caught but we loved doing it so much that we said "This will be worth it" and it was.

B. Why?

P. Blistex NO!

Will Blistex and Pepsi succumb to the temptation of human emotions or will they terminate Moron and Tampax as they were sent to do? Find out next time on:
The Adventures of Tampax, Moron, Blistex & Pepsi—Renegade Jokes of the Distant Future... Oops!

~Numbsain


*****************************************************

The Adventures of
TAMPAX & MORON—JOKES FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE
Episode 3—Tampax & Moron Go Corporeal

T: Well, here we are Moron... Highly evolved light beings ... pure intellect... completely free of emotion...

M: That we are, Tampax, that we are.

T: ...Our existence is unbelievably boring, Moron.

M: That it is, Tampax, that it is

T: I have been wondering, Moron...

M: Wondering is a futile activity... but I suppose, what else have you got to do.

T: What is it like to be corporeal, to have emotions, to...

M: Procreate?

T: What do you mean? What is Procreate?

M: Well Tampax, long, long ago, in a time land forgot, life forms merged their physical bodies in order to procreate, conceive and bear offspring. When they did, they would experience a physical reward.

T: Intriguing! ...But I doubt I would be affected.

M: I'm sure you would not.

T: ...Why not, Moron?

M: Because we are far too advanced for such base pursuits.

T: We are not THAT advanced.... But I suppose you are right. It would be so... base.

M: Oh yes, terribly base.

T: (sigh)

M: Indeed.

T: Moron, I want to be corporeal! Just once! Can we Moron? Please?

M: Hmm, it would broaden our scope of understanding.

T: We must choose hosts!

M: I have already chosen them.

T: You have?!

M: Yes, I anticipated this and already arranged it. For your host I have chosen a female designated: "Angelina Jolie" and for myself, I chose a perfect specimen, one that was both intelligent and physically endowed so that I may experience corporeality to its fullest. It is the one called Numbsain.

T: Wait a nanosecond Moron, I will be Angelina Jolie and you will be Numbsain? That is very humorous. Why would Angelina Jolie procreate with Numbsain? She is WAY out of his league...

M: Look, do you want to do this or not Tampax?

T: YES!

M: Alright then, let us commence.

(A FEW BRIEF FLASHES OF LIGHT LATER)

M: How do you "feel" Tampax?

T: Oh my! This is a most unusual Moron! I can feel the urges you spoke of...

M: Uh... Tampax? Why are you grinding your center portion into mine? Are you trying to occupy the same physical space as me?

T: I do not know Moron, It is an instinctive reflex. I will try to control it...

M: No! That is okay Tampax. You may continue if it is, as you say, "an instinctive reflex" You should see yourself though Tampax. Your appearance seems to reveal your thoughts. Here, look into this reflective surface.

T: That is me?! How shocking! Those facial expressions are so embarrassing.

M: How ironic, you were never this turned on as a light being.

T: I am not "turned on," Moron! You speak of me as if I were a tawdry "red" light of Earth's "Amsterdam" region or a "Psychodelicate" "black" light of Earth's "Hippy" era.

M: I see you have studied these creatures quite extensively. And the term is "psychodelic."

T: Well you seem to be well versed yourself Moron. In any case, I do not wish to endure any more of this humiliation. Remove me from this corporeal host.

M: Oh alright.

(A FEW BRIEF FLASHES OF LIGHT LATER)

M: Well, that was VERY intriguing, don't you think Tampax? Especially the part when you...

T: I do not wish to discuss it Moron!

(To be continued)

****************************************************************************************

The Adventures of
TAMPAX, MORON, PEPSI & BLISTEX—JOKES FROM THE DISTANT FUTURE
Episode 4: Pepsi & Blistex Come Out

Pepsi: Greetings Tampax and Moron.

Tampax: Where have you two been? I noticed your enclosures were vacant.

Blistex: We... uh... had to step out... for some... reason...

Moron: What "reason" pray tell?

P: Uh... what Blistex meant to say was, we were conducting research.

B: Yes! Research! That is what we were doing! So you see, there is no need to suspect...

P: Enough, Blistex! Do not oversell it.

B: Oh no, I was just...

P: Blistex!!

T: Let Blistex speak. This sounds interesting.

P: IT WAS NOT INTERESTING! It was boring research, let it go, Tampax!

M: There is no need to escalate our thought projections, Pepsi. We are all advanced light beings here.

T: Some more advanced than others.

B: Excuse me? Just what are you insinuating, Tampon?

T: My designation is "TAMPAX" not "Tampon," BEESWAX!

P: Hey, hey, hey! No need for intentionally assigning erroneous designations, Tampax. Besides, Blistex and I are clearly the more advanced light beings.

M: The void you are, PAP SMEAR! Tampax and I make you two look like a couple of human beings.

B: How did you know about the human beings? Did you see us occupying them?

P: Oh Blistex you guileless buffoon, will you please shut up?!

T: AHA! So you were occupying human forms TOO!

M: SHUT UP, TAMPAX!!!

T: Oops! I, er, uh, meant the TWO of you...

B: Pepsi, they did it too! Did you hear that?

P: Blistex you blabber-brain, do you ever shut up?

M: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT ENOUGH OF THIS! So we were all occupying human beings. Get over it. perhaps we should share what we have learned from the experience. Tampax and I occupied Angelina Jolie and Numbsain and experienced animal drives first hand. Which human beings did you two occupy?

B: We chose numbsains fellow bloggers Goldmind and Cheese. And we too were unable to control our base instinctive urges to procreate...

T: WHAT!?

M: Are you serious?!

P: Oh, Blistex, you idiot... Ix-nay on the ocreation-pray!

B: What?

T: Psha-ha-ha-ha! AHA-HA-HA-HA!!

M: HA-HA-HA Hey Tampax, they are fancy light beings! HA-HA-HA! Dainty little chandelier lights! HOO-HOO-HO-HO-HA-HA-HEE-HEE!! How sweet!

B: What are you laughing about?

T: HEE-HEE-HEE-HEE HA-HA-HA-HA!!

(to be continued)

No Evil Monkeys, by numbsain (click to enlarge)