Numbsain's Eyewitless NewsFlinch

SPECIAL CLOSE-UP EDITORIAL REPORT


An Anti-activist group simply known as "The Les Moore Cause" publicized its goal to initiate a movement toward relieving the pressure that big business imposes on the workforce and citizens in general. The groups president, founder, organizer, and staff, Les Moore announced the groups prime goal at a very brief press conference today in which he explained that the current trends that have created overworked, overtaxed and over-stressed citizens living in an environment which is undermining our right to happiness, should change.

In his own pithy words, Mr. Moore simply said: "It's all too much, ...enough already." The speech, which was televised nationwide, succeeded in gaining widespread support for "The Les Moore Cause" in most areas, the majority of which came from the lower income working class demographic who work the hardest and benefit the least from the ever-increasing demands of corporate super powers. It was explained that if the entire workforce simply cut back on the hours they spend at work and the pace at which they work, there would be no economic impact other than a reduced profit margin for the big wigs, but it must be agreed upon unanimously in order for it to work. If some continued to succumb to these demands they would stand to improve their income by about 12 percent but at the expense of their more cooperative neighbor and their gains would never elevate them financially to a position of any significant power or change in their lifestyle.

The concept is simple: relaxing, cooking healthy meals at home and spending time with your family costs less than running around frantically eating fast food, getting drained and sick from overworking, bailing your kids out of trouble plus paying doctors bills and excessive transportation costs. Its all part of a plan by big business to suck our life blood out of us so they can have everything while we slowly die. But their plan is shortsighted because you can't be the ruler over all people without people to be the ruler over.

Les Moore said: "They'll never give you what they have, so why give 'em what they want? All we're doing is bustin' our asses cause they said to. I say fuck 'em." Mr. Moore, who prefers to be called “Les,” feels completely confident that his dream will be a reality. "It'll happen." Les said off the record after the conference to a independent reporter who was able to conduct a brief but informative supplementary interview with Les.

I.R.: So Les, do you feel that life has become far too complicated and difficult for the average person and we must, as a people strive to get back to basics and endeavor to eliminate all the unnecessary pressures of business which are at the root of the problem .

Les: Uh-huh.

I.R.: And doing so, you feel, will greatly reduce such societal problems as suicide, crime, divorce, violence and mental illness in all levels of society by easing the pressure that continues to wear on us all more and more each year?

Les: Right.

I.R.: Is "The Les Moore Cause" prepared to re-educate people as to the simpler, easier way of life about which you speak in order to bring about this major change, albeit a change for the better?

Les: No.

I.R.: Well then how do you intend to carry out this plan and ensure that your vision be realized?

Les: It'll happen.

I.R.: So you feel that simply by planting the seeds for change, you've set the wheels in motion sufficiently and you need only to sit back and watch this dream unfold into reality?

Les: Yeah.

Could it really be that simple? Apparently the answer was yes because Les has walked away during my question and made no further statement to the contrary. So I must conclude that I've captured the gist of what he was saying and synthesized it down to its essence.

Apparently Les and "The Les Moore Cause" has been campaigning for several days now and according to Les, his work is done and he plans to disband the organization and retire. We here at Numbsain's Eyewitless Newsflinch feel that we've just witnessed the work of one of the great visionaries of our time and it's up to us now to see that what Les has started, comes to fruition. The new catch phrases for the movement are certain to be resounding in our ears soon as the "The Les Moore Cause" evolves and materializes before our eyes.
Those catch phrases are:

"Relax" "Take it easy" "Don't work so hard" "Enough is enough" and "Fuck 'em"

by numbsain

Investigative Reports: A followup

by Cheddar

Ladies and gentleman, I, Cheddar, recently posted a startling email that began a chain of events that can only be described as earth shattering. I have all but confirmed that Stephen Hawking, Bill Gates, and Woody Allen are one in the same individual, running a triumvirate of power unequaled in any other facet of society. But, ladies and gentlemen, this discovery is merely the tip of the iceberg! It turns out that we, the general public, have been duped by other individuals playing multiple roles, and all for very different reasons. In each case, the magic number appears to be three; as in three different personas. Nevertheless, the cunning involved is monumental! I can confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that the following individuals, whom I hereby dub "The Axis of Evil," are all pulling the wool over our eyes! Pay heed! Truly notice the similarities.



If these photographs aren't representative of the "Axis of Evil," I don't know what is. Now, separately, these photos may spark recognition in you. The first person pictured hosted "The View" for a while. The second was on a long running show with John Goodman. The third hacked off a stranded writer's foot in a famous movie. But what you did NOT know, until looking at these photographs, is that they are all the same person! I do not know what "it's" real name is. I do not know what "it" does in "it's" spare time. But I do have an as yet unconfirmed reason for this tableau. It is speculated among underground theorists that playing the role of three persons allows this individual the ability to harass Tom Selleck in triplicate! All without his knowledge!



Now here are "three" sinister looking individuals. Or is it? Look again! Notice the flaring nostrils. The gleaming pate. The painted mouth! It's the same person....or robot! That's right! The almost leader of the free world and Nobel sympathy prize winner and the shrewd but satanic owner of the New York Yankees are actually just synthetic flesh over metal endoskeleton! Kind of like the terminator, only boring! With no gun! And a lot of hot air! Why, you ask? Well, that goes back to Hawking/Gates/Allen. This robot was created using Hawking's know-how and Gates's technology to run for president. It could be an excellent monotone and room killing bore, so all that was needed was the cash flow that a run at the White House required. Hence came the "Steinbrenner" programming. This persona single-handedly financed Gore's White House run with still enough money left over to sign Alex Rodriguez. A brilliant robot indeed. Hawking/Gates/Allen's greatest attempt to grab control of the country and, more importantly, control of the nuclear "button" failed only because he underestimated the complete stupidity of Floridians. The laugh is on you "Axis of Evil"! Ha!



"Whoa!" You say. "Wait a second, Cheddar!" you say. "This can't be right!" You say. Many have known for a while that pictures one and three are synonyms, true. But the guy from "Barney Miller?" Abe?

Allow me to defend my research here. Abe Vigoda was long known as a "personable guy." Liked by everyone he came in contact with. Influenced all those around him positively. Had the charisma of a thousand Alexander the Greats. Sound familiar? That's right bible thumpers! The Anti-Christ! Take heed.

Take Bin Laden and shave his beard mentally. What do you see? That's right! The middle picture! The information has been there for you people all along. You've just needed a true diligent investigative reporter like yours truly to start linking the facts and making sense of the chaos. And before you dismiss picture number three as just a visual gag and not a real "third persona," ask yourself: Why haven't we found Osama Vigoda yet? Hmm?" It's hard to assassinate "someone" who can morph themselves into a shiny turd at will! I mean who'd think to shoot a floater? Eh?

Okay ladies and gentleman. For me, the investigation continues. I have more evidence at my fingertips that we have been duped by even more individuals than what's listed here, but my vow is that I will leave no stone unturned in my search for truth! And you the reader WILL know all that I know! Have a happy Holiday!

Computer Advancements Surprising the Hell out of Grownups

In the photo above, a middle-aged man is startled by the functionality of an imac computer. Here, he is viewing a real-time image of himself in "Photo Booth." Such ridiculous expressions have become increasing common and have contributed to a national decline in lockjaw fatalities.

by Goldmind

AP Reports. Computer Advancements are increasingly surprising the hell out of grown men and women, a new federal study reveals. Once the exclusive realm of post-depression era Luddites, even America's Atari generation has become aghast at the latest software/hardware developments and the number of otherwise dignified grownups holding their mouths open and wagging their tongues while uttering ridiculous phrases like "this is more real looking than space invaders" has substantially increased.  

"In my day, Intelevision was the cats pajamas," said David Lindholm, a confused gentleman in his late 60's. "My portable phone & carrying case was the shiznit back when I was listening to the Fat Boys - it wasn't even rotary dial, it made me super cool. Now, I hear they can make cell phones that weighs less than 10 pounds."

Exacerbating the crisis, a follow up study indicated that further advances could possibly occur. "Lord have mercy, it's just amazin'," said Edna Jones, an elderly woman with blue hair walking out of First Baptist Church in Hazelhurst, Georgia. "I'm glad I'm about to meet Jesus, 'cause Lord it sure is confusing." 

Smoking Lungs - America's Latest Addiction (click image to enlarge)

This realistic police sketch of a 16 year-old girl smoking lungs, illustrates a growing addiction among our youth. Not LSD, not Mushrooms, not Ecstacy, not Cocaine, not Crack, not Speed, not whatever trendy drug we're not hip enough to know about because those days are behind us or are too lazy to research because we've been drinking wine. No folks, smoking lungs is one damn big problem.

Amateurish Drawing by Goldmind

Public Service Announcement!!!

Just a Reminder From Your Staff at Goldmind's Unwind!

Remember that Friday is Mother in Law Round up!

The Salivation Army wants to remind you that it's that time of year again. The holidays are rapidly approaching and that means the needs of the many must once again be sated by the wealth of the few. Just remember, ladies and gentleman, billions of people the world over have been left to toil without a mother in law of their own. This is the perfect opportunity for you to donate yours so that the voids in their lives are filled. Just think of the Christmas joy you'll provide to some poor third world family when your mother in law is delivered to them in a specially gift wrapped cage!

*Just leave mother in law at your curb, fully incapacitated, by 9 AM friday. Please also provide one box of oatmeal for sustenance. Salivation Army is not responsible for damage during shipment. Mother in law donations are not deductible for federal or state income tax purposes and cannot be used as net operating loss carryforwards or carrybacks pursuant to I.R.C. Section 382(c). Mother in law transfers are, however, considered the receipt of debt for purposes of non-recognition of gain under I.R.C. Section 351(b). Gain, if any, attributable to in-law liabilties assumed is not forgiven, but its recognition is deferred through a correlative reduction in the transferor's basis in the stock received. I.R.C. Section 358(a)(1)(A)(ii) and (d)(1). Void where prohibited.

Technological Advances of the Budget Cut Era

Pictured Above: The all terrain tricycle, or ATT, comes fully equipped with "gun wagon".

The total cost of this amazing product is only $800,000.00, saving the

government almost four million dollars over the bulky truck model it used to use.

Reuters-

Recent military budget cuts have inventors and industrialists struggling to keep up with the demand for affordable, yet innovative, products for use by the armed forces. Even small “family” businesses and one man operations have created products that have been adopted for use in today’s Army, Navy, Air force, and Marines.

“Oh yeah,” private industrialist John Chaney, the inventor of the coke bottle grenade, said. “It’s been fun ter make stuff fer them nice soldier fellers. I hope it helps em’ kill em’ tairists.

“The design’s simple,” Chaney said, referring to the grenade he now supplies the Army. “We take an empty bottle as what like one ‘yer relatives drinks and we fill it with pre-stored pig piss. You ken throw ‘bout a hundred of ‘em at the enemy and stink ‘em up so bad they’ll be surrenderin’ afore you know it!”

The best part, of course, is the financial savings the government enjoys over standard issue shrapnel grenades. Recently, we acquired a copy of the 2005 military budget and saw that the United States government had been routinely paying a supplier 6 million dollars per 10 shrapnel grenades.* “Hell,” Chaney says, chuckling from his leer jet, “I only charge em’ half a million fer a whole case o’ my coke grenades!”

But coke grenades are just the beginning. From tissue paper parachutes to rock launchers to the now infamous “dog crap cannon,” all types of affordable products and weapons of mass confusion are being engineered in the spirit of saving the government some pork. In fact, this year’s military budget is now being projected at an all time low of 900 billion dollars, down from 11 trillion last year.*

“If we can save some money and still not put our soldiers at an increased risk of harm, I’m all for these products,” Chief military strategist, General Joe Waddaphuck, indicated. “Heck, right now I’m wearing the all new latex vest. Kevlar was far too expensive, so it was determined that a product that could protect the womb from millions of sperm should certainly be able to stop one lousy bullet. And I ain’t been killed yet!”

New ideas are still being researched and all private entrepreneurs are encouraged to submit their own innovations for approval. It’s a thinner market with the budget tighter than normal, but certainly there is no better way to serve your country and get your name out in a capitalist society than to let your peashooter (literally) be brought into battle by this nation’s elite.

~Cheese, writing as “Cheddar”

The Cincinnati Harold. Or Herald. Or hair old. Or something.

*- denotes government budget dollars which in no way reflect reality.

Dog Dominion Threatened

For centuries the conflict has raged. Even in peaceful interludes, there remains a subtle undercurrent of social unrest and political upheaval. Thanks to the recently established Miao Lin Temple and Martial Arts Training Facility, the balance of power in the age-old conflict between cats and dogs may at last have shifted.

In an exclusive interview, Defense Secretary Cuddles stated: “Yes, it may be true that we finally have the edge. The canines have always been bigger. They have always been able to generate more explosive bowel movements. But their days are numbered. Why? Winged dragon drool kick chop chop. It's a clandestine technique so powerful; so utterly lethal; that focus group lab rats have chewed off their own faces rather than endure it. This technique is so fast and so deadly, we are able to actually kick the snot out of dogs and that is proving to be the decisive in the war between our species."

To preempt potential political retribution, Coco Smoke, spokescat for the Feline Party, released a statement announcing that cats have recently made great strides in their receipt of human attention, love, and approval. "Favorite pet" numbers, though still favoring canines, presently tally as follows:

Owner prefers following type pet:

Dog............... 48% (down 7% from prior fiscal tax year)
Cat.................43% (up 28%)
Hamster.........5.6%
Bird................4.4%
Pygmy Marmoset......... -1%
Other...........naught

~numbsain, Goldmind

The Secret, Dangerous World of Bridge

You've seen it—that small, unobtrusive section next to the crosswords dedicated to "Bridge strategies and puzzles." Friends, it is time we opened ourselves to a bitter truth: there is no card game man could invent that could possibly be so complicated—I once witnessed a world class chess player chew off his own fingers while vainly attempting to comprehend the game—and yet popular enough to warrant it's own section of a newspaper.

So what is this "Bridge" section, really? What does all the convoluted code, the mumbo jumbo, truly reference? Ladies and gentlemen, it has taken me the better part of thirteen years but, at last, I have cracked a portion of the code, partly through the assistance of a Fruity Pebbles decipher ring. You see, by substituting certain key letters, by twisting certain key numbers into different shapes, and by slowly turning around counter-clockwise while clapping my hands and howling at the new corn moon, I have discovered, and can now unequivocally state, that "South bids 80 points on 9H 9S 5D and scores the under trick" ACTUALLY means "invade Tehran on 12-7 and, on the way back, please pick up a thin crust pepperoni pizza, hold the anchovies."

America wants this hidden. Clearly, this knowledge, left in the wrong hands, could result in a widespread outbreak of virulent Botchulism. Unacceptable for American Patriots! We have cause for concern, ladies and gentleman. Let's face facts. I am a complete idiot, yet I solved part of the code. If I can do that, just THINK what other governments globally have now learned about our military strategy and culinary habits!

I'm working on the linkages now, but I believe it may just be possible that "bridge strategies" is directly related to e-coli outbreaks, hoof in mouth disease, mad cow disease, and—shockingly—even slightly-deranged-cow-but-starting-to-feel-a-little-bit-better,-thank-you-for-asking-disease. Folks, even the killer bee invasion in the southwest may be related (though admittedly, the nexus here is somewhat more tenuous).

Citizens, I implore you, Unite! Ban Bridge talk from your union halls. Ban Bridge columns from your local newspapers and your revolutionary leaflets. Stifle the dangerous flow of fodder knowledge from sailing into the hands of our enemies (who must surely be the enemies of our one true God who loves America most of all). And for God's sake, check your pepperoni and mushrooms carefully for signs of terrorism! I thank you.

Signed,

West bids 300

~Cheese, Goldmind

Today's Newsroom

Officers have apprehended a possible suspect in a case where eyewitnesses say there were no reports of any incidents occurring at the scene of the alleged crime. The Department has the area under investigation, though forensics reports show evidence in connection to this case to be inconclusive and unsubstantiated. The suspect is being watched by investigators who are being placed under close surveillance by an intelligence task force. That concludes our top story.

Now back to our studio for the weather.

This week saw record breaking mids with winds gusting up to expected levels in the low pressure areas just off the inland coast. Highs in the upper mids with lows in the upper highs. Barometer should hold steady ranging in the high Sierras. Skies are expected partly mostly through the week with a chance of maybe clearing through Friday. If we're lucky we might see what looks like a possibility throughout the later part of tomorrow.

In Sports today the local favorites played their final game in a series that turned into a cliff hanger but rallied to comeback for a finale in the final moments. Moments that culminated in a long awaited tie breaker after a losing streak that marked their first win of the season. Our correspondent was at the stadium to bring you a live interview with the man who put it all together and here’s that report now: “So coach, what happened?” “Well we came here to do a job and that's what we did. We’re pretty confident whatever the outcome, it’s gonna come down to who does what when the time comes to show who we’re made of. That’s what we intend to do. So we’re just hoping that that’s what it ends up to be: the conclusion of whatever happens here today.”

“Thanks for filling us in on that, now back to you.”

Alright, thanks for that informative inside look. On a humorous note, there was some confusion in a certain area this morning when a group of organizers formed a committee to convene at a designated location to determine the intentions of an organization of committee members who formed a group to organize its members at the location where the committee convenes. Neither committee wanting to disclose their intentions to the other, both decided to reconvene at a later time as of yet undetermined.

Well, that's all the time today we have for tonight but be sure and join us tomorrow for next time when we’ll have that story for you. From everyone here at the team staff, I’m anchormanhost reporting live from our studio saying thanks for watching and have a pleasant all the time, every time. Brought to you by the makers of our sponsor.

~Numbsain

News of the Very Strange

In September 2007, the owner of a restaurant on the corner of Main and Highland in Denver reported to police that a homeless man slumped in his chair in the non-smoking section of the eatery had not moved in three days and was beginning to smell. Police who arrived on the scene made a grisly discovery. It wasn’t a homeless man after all. Several stray dogs had disguised themselves as a human in an effort to obtain a meal at the restaurant. Unable to pay when presented with the bill, the canines panicked and, according to a local coroner’s report, were crushed when they attempted to flee the disguise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On his way to deliver a kitten to a homeless shelter, Tiny Tim Williams, a six year Cub Scout from Athens, Georgia, was brutally run down by a Harley Davidson traveling at a speed in excess of 100 mph. Pete “Pills” Powers, the driver of the motorcycle, was arrested at his Llama ranch in Farmington, where he was hiding behind a trough, and taken into police custody.

Mr. Powers, a member of the Farmington Communist Party, had previously been arrested for driving a high-performance motorcycle on the roof of the Georgia state capital and attempting to extract gold flakes from the dome with his Swiss army knife. A search of Pills’ bike revealed empty containers of Jack Daniels and Robitussin, and a weathered Jack Kerouac novel. Mr. Kerouac was unavailable for comment.

Rob Childers, the Attorney for Mr. Powers, was quoted as saying “that child should be punished for his wanton decision to cross that quiet street to get to the shelter. How else can we deter children from jaywalking? Besides, his conscious decision to take those steps supersedes my client’s negligence. That boy, precious as he was, was 2% contributorily negligent and therefore not entitled to a red cent!”

~Goldmind