Friday, October 26, 2007

The Secret, Dangerous World of Bridge

You've seen it—that small, unobtrusive section next to the crosswords dedicated to "Bridge strategies and puzzles." Friends, it is time we opened ourselves to a bitter truth: there is no card game man could invent that could possibly be so complicated—I once witnessed a world class chess player chew off his own fingers while vainly attempting to comprehend the game—and yet popular enough to warrant it's own section of a newspaper.

So what is this "Bridge" section, really? What does all the convoluted code, the mumbo jumbo, truly reference? Ladies and gentlemen, it has taken me the better part of thirteen years but, at last, I have cracked a portion of the code, partly through the assistance of a Fruity Pebbles decipher ring. You see, by substituting certain key letters, by twisting certain key numbers into different shapes, and by slowly turning around counter-clockwise while clapping my hands and howling at the new corn moon, I have discovered, and can now unequivocally state, that "South bids 80 points on 9H 9S 5D and scores the under trick" ACTUALLY means "invade Tehran on 12-7 and, on the way back, please pick up a thin crust pepperoni pizza, hold the anchovies."

America wants this hidden. Clearly, this knowledge, left in the wrong hands, could result in a widespread outbreak of virulent Botchulism. Unacceptable for American Patriots! We have cause for concern, ladies and gentleman. Let's face facts. I am a complete idiot, yet I solved part of the code. If I can do that, just THINK what other governments globally have now learned about our military strategy and culinary habits!

I'm working on the linkages now, but I believe it may just be possible that "bridge strategies" is directly related to e-coli outbreaks, hoof in mouth disease, mad cow disease, and—shockingly—even slightly-deranged-cow-but-starting-to-feel-a-little-bit-better,-thank-you-for-asking-disease. Folks, even the killer bee invasion in the southwest may be related (though admittedly, the nexus here is somewhat more tenuous).
Citizens, I implore you, Unite! Ban Bridge talk from your union halls. Ban Bridge columns from your local newspapers and your revolutionary leaflets. Stifle the dangerous flow of fodder knowledge from sailing into the hands of our enemies (who must surely be the enemies of our one true God who loves America most of all). And for God's sake, check your pepperoni and mushrooms carefully for signs of terrorism! I thank you.

West bids 300
~Cheese, Goldmind