by GoldmindDear Schopenhauer's Ghost,
I'm having a problem with my social life. Every time I find a boy I like, I get bored. Then I have to be mean to make him go away. The problem is, when he does go away, I get sad and lonely. The cycle repeats itself over and over again. What should I do?
Noel
Dear Noel,
Your problem is not unusual. Life is a pendulum that swings between frustration and boredom. You must realize that life is very bad and was accidentally created by an omniscient demon intent upon tormenting us. Try listening to Wagner. It will help you forget you are alive.
Sincerely,
Schopenhauer's Ghost
Dear Schopenhauer’s Ghost,
My boyfriend was so nice when we first met. He’d call me every day and would bring me fresh-cut flowers; sometimes he’d even write me little love poems. We’ve been going out now for almost two years, but he doesn’t do any of those romantic things anymore. He just sits around and watches sports and reads the paper. What can I do?
Kara
Dear Kara,
Your problem is futile and I cannot repair it for you. You should respect him for suppressing his animal drives to reproduce which can only cause you constant suffering and pain. Your own personal desire for happiness is inimical to its very satisfaction and, in the end, you must surely suffer a most horrible fate. Go to a museum; it may distract you from your impending annihilation.
My best,
Schopenhauer’s Ghost
Dear Schopenhauer’s Ghost,
I’m American and am very worried that our politicians are leading us all towards a path of certain destruction by not doing anything to prevent our excess burning of fossil fuels. I’m terrified of global warming. What can I do?
Greta
Dear Greta,
Your petty political concerns are of no consequence to me whatsoever. I would say the same were I alive. Enjoy your ignorant drive toward earthly utopianism which surely will furnish a mere war-cry in your superficial struggle of dumbness.
Sincerely,
Schopenhauer’s Ghost
Dear Schopenhauer's Ghost,
You're an existential do-do head. I don't care if there is any truth to any thing you ever wrote or said. It makes me sad and therefore can't be true. I prefer Ayn Rand any time of day! So there, you scumbag!
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I do not listen to critics. Anyone who differs from my point of view is dumb. Even now, while I serve Satan in hell's dark catacombs, I am unfazed by the disparaging commentary spewed forth from the depraved creatures who torment me throughout eternity. So enjoy the air you breath while you live. Sound fades into the darkness from whence it emerged and so shall you.
Your friend,
Schopenhauer's Ghost
I'm having a problem with my social life. Every time I find a boy I like, I get bored. Then I have to be mean to make him go away. The problem is, when he does go away, I get sad and lonely. The cycle repeats itself over and over again. What should I do?
Noel
Dear Noel,
Your problem is not unusual. Life is a pendulum that swings between frustration and boredom. You must realize that life is very bad and was accidentally created by an omniscient demon intent upon tormenting us. Try listening to Wagner. It will help you forget you are alive.
Sincerely,
Schopenhauer's Ghost
Dear Schopenhauer’s Ghost,
My boyfriend was so nice when we first met. He’d call me every day and would bring me fresh-cut flowers; sometimes he’d even write me little love poems. We’ve been going out now for almost two years, but he doesn’t do any of those romantic things anymore. He just sits around and watches sports and reads the paper. What can I do?
Kara
Dear Kara,
Your problem is futile and I cannot repair it for you. You should respect him for suppressing his animal drives to reproduce which can only cause you constant suffering and pain. Your own personal desire for happiness is inimical to its very satisfaction and, in the end, you must surely suffer a most horrible fate. Go to a museum; it may distract you from your impending annihilation.
My best,
Schopenhauer’s Ghost
Dear Schopenhauer’s Ghost,
I’m American and am very worried that our politicians are leading us all towards a path of certain destruction by not doing anything to prevent our excess burning of fossil fuels. I’m terrified of global warming. What can I do?
Greta
Dear Greta,
Your petty political concerns are of no consequence to me whatsoever. I would say the same were I alive. Enjoy your ignorant drive toward earthly utopianism which surely will furnish a mere war-cry in your superficial struggle of dumbness.
Sincerely,
Schopenhauer’s Ghost
Dear Schopenhauer's Ghost,
You're an existential do-do head. I don't care if there is any truth to any thing you ever wrote or said. It makes me sad and therefore can't be true. I prefer Ayn Rand any time of day! So there, you scumbag!
Rachel
Dear Rachel,
I do not listen to critics. Anyone who differs from my point of view is dumb. Even now, while I serve Satan in hell's dark catacombs, I am unfazed by the disparaging commentary spewed forth from the depraved creatures who torment me throughout eternity. So enjoy the air you breath while you live. Sound fades into the darkness from whence it emerged and so shall you.
Your friend,
Schopenhauer's Ghost
