Monday, November 5, 2007

Dr. Seuss' Secret Unpublished Literary Archives: Blue Procciutto—& other Seussishness

This is Poot.
This is Bluto.

Poot and Bluto
live on Pluto.

One day Bluto said "Atchoo!"
Something Plutons rarely do.
And so when he did, Poot knew;
Bluto caught the Pluto flu.

"I know what will help you Bluto."
"What?" asked Bluto. "Something new!"
"What?" asked Bluto. "Blue Procciutto!"
Poot said: "That's the cure for you."

"Blue Procciutto? Are you sure?
Blue Procciutto? That's the cure?"

"Sure, my Blue Procciutto cures
the flu 'cause my Procciutto's pure."

"That can't be! That can't be true!
Procciutto can't cure Pluto flu.
In my case it's quite acute.
It can't BE cured, Dr. Poot!"

"This Proccuito, blue and pure,
cures the flu—that's what its for.
If you have the Pluto flu,
Blue Procciutto's good for you!"

"Blue Procciutto's not for flu so
Blue Procciutto's not for Bluto!
it won't cure my flu from Pluto,
I don't want your Blue Procciutto!

Flu is cured by rest in bed,
That is what i'll do instead.
If I eat your Blue Procciutto,
Surely I will wind up dead!"

"Try my Blue Procciutto Bluto!
It will cure you, this I do know!
Blue Procciutto clears the head!
Even more than Pseudofed!

Even better than Menudo!
It will get you out of bed!
You'll be cured in just one day!"


"Blue Procciutto makes me mad,
But you know it's not half bad!
I should not have been so hasty,
Blue Procciutto's rather tasty!"

"I must say i'm feeling great!
Why then did you hesitate?
Next time tell me sooner, will you?

"Bluto, I might have to kill you!"

And so if you live on Pluto,
and you catch the Pluto flu,
you should eat some Blue Procciutto;
Bluto did and so should you!

by Dr. Numbseuss

Note: although these stories rhyme, they're not meant for story time. Just because they're cute and witty, doesn't mean there good for kiddies. Though they sound like kids would love it, parents should think better of it.Read them once they've gone to bed, Goldmind thought that should be said.

Dr. Seussie’s alphabet
by Guinness
Big A little a, what begins with A? Ashes, Auschwitz, Adolph’s ass in hell, hooray.

Big B, little b, bad bodacious Beth, bouncing boobs behinds and Bob’s bad booze breath.

Big C, little c, what begins with C? Crazy cousins chewing cow’s cud C….c…..c.

Big D, little d, Dandy Dinmont Dog, dumping drops of dung in the dam den, Don’t!

ABCDE..e…e.. eczema, edema, and an epileptic eel

Big F, little f, F f F, effin flick a finger for an F you, Jeff!

ABCDEFG, Grandma’s goatee’s grown, gotta get a new Gillette

Big H, little h, Hairy horny Herrs humping Hank in Heidelberg, Hagen and Hamburg

Big I, little I, I…I…I… Icepack on an itchy implant, I, I, I!

Big J, little j, jaundiced jowly jerk, joking jarheads jumping from a jam-packed Jeep

Big K, little k karaoke Keith, Kelly hides her keloid neath a keen kerchief.

Big L, little l, lumpy lazy louts loiter by the liquor store, lisping lend a lot

Big M, little m, what begins with m? Moping midgets mashing melons, much mango mayhem.

Big N, little n, N n N, Numbsain nunchucks noisy neighbors necking near a Nen.

Big O, little o, what begins with O? Ouchy Oh-filled orgasms and Oprah’s bowl of oats.

Big P, little p, pecker packing Pat, poking Penny’s pinafore, now that’s pretty phat

Big Q, little q, what begins with q? Quivering quiffs quaff quinine in a quiet, quaint queue

Big R, little r, what begins with r? rickets ridden rednecks running round radar,

Big S little s, silly sappy Steve, stuck some stolen scissors up his short shirt sleeve.

Big T little t, T t T, telepathic tomboy talks to his T.V.

Big U, little u, uncle’s umpteenth ugh, ulcerous and useless, just an utter ugly thug.

Big V little v, what begins with V? Velma’s vestment’s very vulgar, vouldn’t you agree?

Big W, little w, Willie’s wilting wank, winking Willa’s wishing Willie’s wank would whip her flank.

Big X, little x, Xpired Xcuse, mixing moxie foxes puts your Ex to use

Big Y, little y, Yorkies yip and yap, yawning yokels, yearning yuppies yell yackety -yack


Big Z, little z, what begins with Z? Zappa’s zipper, zany zig zag, zither and zombie.

Now you know your abc’s, say them often, won’t you please

Tell your mom, your daddy too, abc’s are good for you.


by numbsain

This is Zack.
Zack talks smack.
Zack talks smack to Sergeant Glack.
Zack gets flack for talkin smack.
Glack say’s “Hands behind your back!”
Zack gets cuffed for talking smack.
Zack tells Glack “Get off my back!”
Zack thinks it’s because he’s black.

Zack gets flack.
Flack from Glack.
But it's not because he’s black,
Zack gets flack cause he’s on crack.

Crack is what makes Zack talk smack,
Crack is why Glack’s on Zack’s back,
Crack is why zack ain’t got jack,
and why his home’s a run down shack,
and why he lives across the track,
No Zack, no! not cause you’re black,
it’s cause you won’t stop smokin crack!

Zack’s shack is whack, he ain’t got jack,
but still Zack always tries to mack.
Landlady say’s Zack has to pack,
his rent is due from three months back.

Zack tries to mack, his mack is whack.
Zack’s checkin’ out landlady’s rack.
Zack tells her he’ll pay in the sack.
Landlady say’s “Are you on crack?”

“You will not get me in the sack,
you will not get me on my back.
You will not in a cheap hotel,
or on a snowy day in hell.
I won’t let you see my vagina,
no, not for all the tea in china.
I do not even like you, Zack
so take a hike and don’t come back!

Now that Zack’s a homeless bum,
he started feeling pretty dumb.
His race is not why life’s unfair,
we all have got a cross to bear.
The question now is simply whether,
Zack will get his head together.
Stop feeling so under attack
and most of all stop smoking crack.
Instead of feeling like a victim,
heed critiques don’t contradict ‘em.