Goldmind's Unwind

Numbsain's Daily Diary ...uh

Dear Diary ...uh, I had a terrible day, I woke up on the wrong side of the bed so after I crawl out from under there, I go to turn off the alarm but I realize it's outside and I figure the guys in the red truck will take care of it. But they're like in their own little world so I stick my head out the window and politely yell: "OKAY, I'M UP! WOULD YOU MIND TURNING THAT THING OFF?!" They ignore me. They're too busy watering the house next door, I guess it did look a little dry but it was raining for chrissake and by the looks of the dark cloud overhead, It was probably gonna be a real downpour.

So I go to the bathroom, Ah, much better. Then I walk into the bathroom and I notice my pajamas bottoms are leaking. Okay it's early, I can't be expected to do everything in the right order at 11: 30 am... 11:30 AM?!?! Oops, I'm late for work! So I just go ahead and get right into the shower and start taking off my pajamas and I look over and see the neighbors are staring at me like I'm crazy. Okay, so I forgot my umbrella... and my clothes. Well I can't be expected to remember everything first thing in the morning!

So I'm in my car, backing out of the driveway and I hear this WHUMP! Some jerk has crashed the side of his car right into my rear bumper! Okay now I'm pissed, I jump out and start shouting obscenities but when I get to his drivers side window I see, lo and behold, this moron isn't even in his car! How the hell do you do that?! Talk about oblivious. So I go to take down his license plate but the damn thing is bolted on and it's not coming off without, like a screw driver or something. So I go back inside. Better make it a double the way things are going today.

Since I'm late for work, I'm kinda rushing and I spill vodka all over myself. Actually it was probably for the better because that reminded me of the other thing I was going back in for; my clothes. So I go to get them out of the hamper and I realize they're DIRTY! Who the hell puts dirty clothes in the hamper!? Boy, somebodies gonna have hell to pay for this! It's a damn good thing for them that I live alone. I mean, myself, I can understand it. I can't be expected wear the damn things and wash them too! I mean what the hell do I look like?... Hmm, Y'know I never thought about that! What DO I look like?

This could be interesting, so I go into the bathroom to look in the mirror and I realize... its not there? Who the hell stole my mirror!? And right where its supposed to be is all these medicine bottles and toothpaste and shaving cream and deodorant, What is all this crap? I don't use this stuff, what the hell is it doing in my bathroom right where my mirror is supposed to be? Then it hits me; Damn, what is this? Oh it's my mirror! Some fool turned it around so I couldn't see it. Now what sense does that make, to have the mirror facing the wall?! Anyway it didn't hit me too hard and at least it wasn't someplace that anybodys gonna notice , that would look pretty stupid showing up to work with a big old bleeding gash right there where everyone can see. So I manage to stop the bleeding with a big huge bandaid across the bridge of my nose.

So I'm about to go back out there and brave the weather and guess what? Power outage! Oh my God, it is pitch black in here. I can't see a thing. I'm fumbling around in the dark trying to find the door, my pants, my drink, nothing is where I left it so at least I had that but I know if I show up to work with nothing, my boss is gonna be pissed. I know exactly what he's gonna say: "You were supposed to have this blah blah blah ready this morning and you show up here with nothing!?" And y'know what I'll say right back to him? "Who the hell do you think you are bossing me around, I've taken about all I've had from you, Pal!"

Anyway my nose stops bleeding so I take off the bandaid and just then the lights comes back on. By now it's already like 5:30 pm and I'm thinking; with rush hour traffic, by the time I get there its gonna be too late to do anything so I decide I better call in sick. So I call and its ringing and ringing and ringing. Jeezus Christ doesn't anybody answer the phone? So I let it ring for a few more times and still nothing. I realize its like 9:30pm now and I'm like; forget it, there's no way I'm gonna get to work on time so I just grab a sandwich and turn in for the night. I'm having a really hard time sleeping. I'm just really uncomfortable and suddenly I realize what the problem is; There's a goddamn sandwich stuck to my butt! Now who the hell leaves a sandwich in the bed?! Oy, what a day!

—numbsain