Friday, November 30, 2007

Unwinds' Investigative Reports: The Bill Gates, Stephen Hawking, Woody Allen Conspiracy

by Cheddar

At Goldmind’s Unwind, we frequently receive kind letters from you, the viewer. Some is congratulatory in nature; others contain random death threats; some, marriage proposals. (no means no!) Recently, however, I (Cheddar) received an odd email that may expose one of the greatest fraud scams in the history of the world. I am copying the email below.

Dear Cheddar,

I’ve been searching the web for weeks looking for the right candidate to whom I can unburden myself with information so explosive, it could shake the very fabric of space and time. I occasionally enjoy Cheddar Cheese, and realized it was destiny’s hand leading me to you. You cannot know my identity, so please do not attempt to trace this email and ignore my name, cell number, and home address in the signature line.

For three years, I have been shadowing famed physicist Stephen Hawking. I’ve followed his wheelchair through malls, campuses, back alleys, and unsightly gas station restrooms containing poorly spelled instructions scrawled on chipped green paint about who I can call for a good time. As a result of my surreptitious activities, I’ve learned that Mr. Hawking may indeed be three men, all in one. I do not mean to suggest Mr. Hawking has multiple personalities. No; I’m suggesting that while Mr. Hawking is commonly known throughout the literate world as the wheelchair-ridden genius who speaks with the freaky robot voice because of ALS, he is actually leading a triple life as a mobile, healthy Hollywood actor and billionaire computer mogul. I have enclosed photographic evidence.

I know. The allegations sound outrageous, but I’ve witnessed it with my own one eye! When he thinks no one is looking, Mr. Hawking will, suddenly and without provocation, leap from his chair to embrace a young Asian woman who also appears to be his legally adopted daughter. I’m not naming names here—a word to the wise is sufficient. As for the computer mogul, I can only say that Mr. Hawking left his laptop on a table during an emergency restroom break at Starbucks and, from the software I was able to peruse while he took a dump for what seemed like 45 minutes (all part of the clever disguise!), I can attest that he’s creating mainstream operating systems full of crappy flaws and plans to foist them upon a frustrated public! Sound like anyone you know?

This is serious business Cheddar! We all hear how brilliant he is, but no one truly understands just how brilliant! He’s taking control of the reins of power and seeking monopolistic control of our souls! He already has the world of academia twisted around his “gnarled” fingers. Now mainstream Hollywood AND technoheads are drooling over him, he has enough cash to purchase Earth and, with one snap of the finger, he could order us all to break dance and enforce the command!

I cannot follow Mr. Hawking any longer as my identity has been recently discovered and I am now in hiding from his vast underground army. Indeed, my very life is in danger. I’m writing you, rather than your compatriots, simply because it’s clear that they have jobs, so you have time to investigate. Besides, if Hawking kills YOU, it is no major loss to society.

Please, help me Cheddar; you're my only hope.

Concerned citizen

Of course such a communication invoked several strong responses with me. The first is, what a crackpot! Second, what’s with the insults? I mean, come on! I’m a college grad! Beltway Community College was damn proud to have me! Third…wait a minute…those three pictures do look an awful lot alike. Maybe there is something to this.

So I took to my heels.

Okay; so I don’t have a “job” per say apart from selling glue-sniff baggies. But pie-tasting is not always pleasant work folks! And just because it doesn’t have a steady salary, doesn’t mean there isn’t risk involved. I digress. The point is, I had time on my hands, so I went to my local library and, it turns out, there may be evidence supporting these anonymous claims after all. For instance:

-Mr. Hawking has never appeared in a photograph or side by side with Woody Allen or Bill Gates.

-Woody Allen has never appeared side by side or in a photograph with Bill Gates.

-“Bill Gates” has a propensity to ogle young Asian women who may be his adopted stepdaughter if he were Woody Allen.

-Woody Allen, Bill Gates, and Stephen Hawking all contain the letters “a” and “e.”

-“Woody Allen” has been seen carrying around a copy of “Programming C for Dummies” and “The Theoretical Astrophysical Robot Voice Within,”

- All three men have masturbated at one time or another.

Ok...admittedly that last could also be said about a few of the writers on this site, and they are likely NOT Stephen Hawking dopplegangers. Or are they? Come to think of it, I’ve never really SEEN Goldmind’s real picture....hmmmm.....ahem! But again, I digress.

I will be investigating this matter to its fullest extent in the weeks ahead and thoroughly exploring the ramifications of this allegation, if true. You can expect to hear a follow up from me on this topic in the not too distant future.

Your humble investigative reporter,
Cheddar (Cheese)