by GoldmindHello and welcome to this year's addition of Publisher’s Clearing Louse’ Smartest and Stupidest Human in the World Contest. We are pleased to announce this year's winners: Smartest goes to Ms. Intelligent of New York City and Stupidest to Mr. Dumb from Lake Tahoe. I’m thrilled to be able to congratulate each of you in being named this year’s grand prize winners …First, let me ask you, Mr. Dumb, how does it fell to be named this year's stupidest human in the world?
DUMB: Dumb no mind, Dumb happy. Dumb love wife; wife love Dumb. Dumb love mom; mom love Dumb. Dumb not need Dumb money to help Dumb family.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Wonderful! Now, Ms. Intelligent, how does it feel being named the smartest person in the world?
SMART: Well Bob, that’s an excellent query. And I can unequivocally state that my satisfaction is ephemeral.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Splendid! Would you mind telling us a little bit about what it is you do?
SMART: Certainly Bob, I’m an important tax attorney for a prestigious New York City law firm. Seven days a week, at 5 A.M., I commute an hour and a half to a prestigious office tower where I ride a prestigious elevator to a prestigious floor where I’m greeted by prestigious receptionists as I make my way toward my prestigious office—which, incidentally, holds prestigious certificates and awards. Then, I sit down behind a prestigious desk and spend 16 hours researching prestigious issues, such as the apportionment of income to nonresident partners of multi-tiered member managed limited liability companies.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Riveting! I recall reading somewhere that at one point you had wanted to be an elementary school art teacher?
SMART: That’s correct Bob. I gave that up when my husband—who stays at home with our two small kids—threatened to leave me if I quit my very high paying job that is also very prestigious. But the pills help.
DAN: The pills?
SMART: Yes Bob; Wellbutrin for the depression and Focalin to help me maintain interest throughout the day. Once those pills kick in, I might as well be watching the Russian Ice Ballet from prestigious box seats—such is the illusion the pills create!
BOB SEQUIOUS: Impressive! Well thank you so much Ms. Intelligent. Mr. Dumb, can you tell us something about the work that you’re currently involved with?
DUMB: Sun on face wake up Dumb each morning. Dumb walk outside. Clear trail that go for miles in California national park. Walk many miles each day. See chipmunk, squirrel, deers. Feed animal sometime. Dumb eat food Dumb grow in Dumb garden. Dumb so tired at end of day, Dumb sleep sound in Dumb shack in national park where Dumb live.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Well, you certainly appear to be in excellent physical condition and that is a very nice tan. Exactly how old are you Mr. Dumb, around 28?
DUMB: Dumb not know how old is Dumb. Dumb born 1957. Make Dumb 28?
BOB SEQUIOUS: Well there you have it folks – the Smartest and the Stupidest Person in the entire world. But don’t feel sorry for Mr. Dumb folks; we can all rest easy knowing that our society is creating folks just like Ms. Intelligent more and more these days.
DUMB: Dumb no mind, Dumb happy. Dumb love wife; wife love Dumb. Dumb love mom; mom love Dumb. Dumb not need Dumb money to help Dumb family.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Wonderful! Now, Ms. Intelligent, how does it feel being named the smartest person in the world?
SMART: Well Bob, that’s an excellent query. And I can unequivocally state that my satisfaction is ephemeral.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Splendid! Would you mind telling us a little bit about what it is you do?
SMART: Certainly Bob, I’m an important tax attorney for a prestigious New York City law firm. Seven days a week, at 5 A.M., I commute an hour and a half to a prestigious office tower where I ride a prestigious elevator to a prestigious floor where I’m greeted by prestigious receptionists as I make my way toward my prestigious office—which, incidentally, holds prestigious certificates and awards. Then, I sit down behind a prestigious desk and spend 16 hours researching prestigious issues, such as the apportionment of income to nonresident partners of multi-tiered member managed limited liability companies.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Riveting! I recall reading somewhere that at one point you had wanted to be an elementary school art teacher?
SMART: That’s correct Bob. I gave that up when my husband—who stays at home with our two small kids—threatened to leave me if I quit my very high paying job that is also very prestigious. But the pills help.
DAN: The pills?
SMART: Yes Bob; Wellbutrin for the depression and Focalin to help me maintain interest throughout the day. Once those pills kick in, I might as well be watching the Russian Ice Ballet from prestigious box seats—such is the illusion the pills create!
BOB SEQUIOUS: Impressive! Well thank you so much Ms. Intelligent. Mr. Dumb, can you tell us something about the work that you’re currently involved with?
DUMB: Sun on face wake up Dumb each morning. Dumb walk outside. Clear trail that go for miles in California national park. Walk many miles each day. See chipmunk, squirrel, deers. Feed animal sometime. Dumb eat food Dumb grow in Dumb garden. Dumb so tired at end of day, Dumb sleep sound in Dumb shack in national park where Dumb live.
BOB SEQUIOUS: Well, you certainly appear to be in excellent physical condition and that is a very nice tan. Exactly how old are you Mr. Dumb, around 28?
DUMB: Dumb not know how old is Dumb. Dumb born 1957. Make Dumb 28?
BOB SEQUIOUS: Well there you have it folks – the Smartest and the Stupidest Person in the entire world. But don’t feel sorry for Mr. Dumb folks; we can all rest easy knowing that our society is creating folks just like Ms. Intelligent more and more these days.
~Brought to you by Glaxo-Thrillcum: “If you’re prestigious, we’ve got your pill”~
