Sunday, November 11, 2007

Ask Dr. Scientist - the smartest person in the whole damn world

Dear Dr. Scientist,
If the world is shaped like a ball, how come we’re not upside down?
B. Specky

Dear Mr. Specky,
Because we’re on top of the ball; the Chinese are upside down.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
When mommy says “don’t let the bed bugs bite” every night; how am I supposed to stop them? And how can I keep my welts from itching?

Dear Pooh,
The chemical compound hydrochloric acid is the aqueous solution of hydrogen chloride gas. It is a potent acid, the major component of gastric acid and of wide industrial use. It should eliminate the bugs as well as the itching. In fact, nothing will be left, including your arm. This could produce lethal fumes; open a window before your arm falls off.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
Why do ghosts come out of my toilet after I sit on it?
Sock Puppet

Dear Sock Puppet,
Were you playing with a ouija board while eating prunes or commercial laxatives? You have what we scientists refer to as “etherealus excrementalus fecalium phantasmus.” Place 12 votive candles in a circle around your toilet bowl. Stick your head in the bowl approximately six millimeters from the surface of the fetid water. Repeat the following: “Пожалуйста оставьте этот священный шар о сердитым алкоголем этого туалета. Я призываю весь дружественный антитуалетный алкоголь для помощи. Чистите этот шар.” This should create a space-time rift through which the excrement can evacuate through your pipes and make its way back safely to its own astral plane, while saving face.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
I'm pregnant. If I have sex, can I get pregnant again?
Yours [if you want]
Ellie Mae

Dear Ellie Mae,
Of course you can dearie. Just how do you think triplets are made? The eggs are always ready and waiting in the chamber, so if you engage in unprotected intercourse, you may wind up with twins, triplets, even octoplets. I strongly urge you to abstain, unless you want to build an entire family with one 9-month gig. Unfortunately, I cannot contribute.

Herr Dr. Scientist,
Ist das für eine person möglich, von sich selbst herauszubekommen und in ihrer analyse völlig objektiv zu sein? Ich würde denken, dass es unmöglich ist, das zu tun. Was denken Sie?

Lieber Hans,
Ich denke, dass es nicht möglich ist, weil das Paradigma, das Sie verwenden würden, um “objektiv” zu bewerten, durch Ihre vorherige Erfahrung verdorben wird. Es gibt keine Weise, sich von Ihren eigenen Erfahrungen ander zu entfernen, als, jene Erfahrungen nicht gehabt zu haben. Denken Sie daran.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
Why is it that, after exhaustive research, I’ve found that half the people in the world have below average intelligence?

Dear Brock,
That’s too much of a coincidence. Check the accuracy of your calculations because what are the odds of that? Really; I think it is wrong... Wait there’s someone here that says I’m an idiot. Let me get back to you on this.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
I noticed a very strange kind of fungus growing on the walls of the cellar where mommy and daddy make me live. I’m really worried that it will get on the food that they throw down the stairs to me and make me sick. Should I worry?
Mike Ology

Dear Mike,
Is it a yeast or a mold? In either event, I would not be concerned. Whatever fungus it is will likely assist your small intestines decompose rotting flotsam and jetsam making its way through your digestive tract. It is true you could die. However, your spirit body does not require nutrition, apart from photonic spirit energy radiating from the center of our universe. Any remedial text can explain this.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
Why do I see smoke coming out of joggers' mouths and noses when they run down my street on cold mornings? I thought smoking was unhealthy???

Dear Duhglas,
Well, thank you for lobbing such a softball so early in the morning. I am going to explain this as simply as possible, in layman's terms, if you will. When human beings and dogs exercise, they do something that is called "burning calories." You must realize that the burning process involves some type of heat or flame produced in the bowel of the beast as it moves quickly, and the residual smoke must exit at some orifice. The exhalations, even passing gas, will release the smoke. I suggest you try a bit of exercise and see for yourself how your body rids itself of excess smoke from your burning calories. Have a nice day.

Dear Dr. Scientist,
I’ve been working with different strains of deadly airborne bacteria and I seem to have inadvertently released a particularly virulent variety into my schools ventilation system. Within the first 15 seconds, 90 percent of the students and the entire faculty were killed. The only living survivors are myself and the cheerleading squad who were out on the field. What should I do? ...I’m scared.

Dear Raymond,
You’re alone with the entire cheerleading squad!? Dude I am so-o-o- jealous of you! Whattaya mean ya don’t know what to do???? Are you Crazy?!?!?!?!

~Goldmind, numbsain, Guiness, Cheddar