Saturday, January 12, 2008

Children Should Be Seen and Not Run Over

There was a sign on the road that said: "CAUTION CHILDREN AT PLAY" and my first thought was, how dangerous could they be? If they started singing the Barney Song, I'd just roll up my window and floor it.

But it was better than the signs that say: "SLOW CHILDREN" and have a picture of a kid with a helmet riding a bike. If the kid already has brain damage why bother with the helmet. They didn't have helmets when I was a little kid. I banged my head a lot but I never got drain bamage. Kindergarten was really easy for me, especially after the third time. I was lucky to not have been abused as a child, my mother always told me that. In order to abuse a child you have to spend time with them which my folks didn't. But it wasn't their fault because I never asked to be born and they weren't expecting me.

My dad liked playing catch with me. But my mom didn't and she wasn't a very good catch so he started just tossing me up in the air and catching me himself which I loved until we moved into the new house and the ceiling was a lot lower. He took me to ball games and the zoo when I was little but he always resented it when I found my way back.

My parents went through babysitters like Britney Spears goes through babies. Of course, they were the cheapest babysitters they could find and one night they came home and noticed I had a lot of bruises on my head so they put a video camera on the babysitter. Then after a year they reviewed the tapes and sure enough, It was her. So they confronted her about it and she said that she beat me because they weren't paying her enough. They said they were okay with that arrangement if she was because they couldn't afford to pay any more.

She quit a few weeks after that anyway but when I think about it, that really bothered me because I really liked that babysitter. She was usually around and I liked some of the guys she would have over. One of them actually took the wooden spoon away when she was beating me with it. He thought it looked like fun and wanted to take a whack at it. But she was nice, she turned me on to Jack and Coke for the first time. I think she even fed me once.

I respect my parents though, because when I grew up, I hated kids. Until I had one of my own and all that changed. Now I hate mothers. But I've actually learned a lot of valuable things from my daughter, like how to talk back to my wife. The only problem with that was, I didn't realize it but the laws against husband beating aren't nearly as strict. But my wife used to call me names and yell at me. So I tried to press charges against her for verbal abuse. When we got to court, the judge said to me: "Are you some kind of fucking idiot? get the hell out of my courtroom you jackass!" My wife and I were separated but we just got into it worse when we got home.

by numbsain