devoted staff member searching for Goldmind
Dear Readers, It is with great consternation that we, the writers of Goldmind's Unwind, disseminate this most shuddersome news. After an exhaustive and disorganized search we have regretfully found Goldmind to be missing. The last any of us heard, he was on his way to Disneyland which only now as we write this do we realize how suspicious that sounds. Nonetheless the mortifying fact remains that Goldmind, happy-go-lucky, bright, loved by all, understood by none, pillar of society and the type of guy that would risk his own life if there was even a small chance that he could save just one dollar, is nowhere to be found.
Be assured that this is not a publicity stunt intended to boost readership. Which is not to say that you, our devoted readers are not free to check in more often to see if the mystery of his dissapearance has been solved. And by all means tell your friends, neighbors and pets about this tragic occurrence as It can only serve to expedite the safe and timely return of Gartrude Qualthbrait Goldmind to his rightful owners.
You must understand that although we seem to be making light of this situation, it is in no way a joke and any levity you may detect is simply a feeble attempt by emotionally distraught comedy writers to cope with the overwhelming concern that we feel by disguising our grief behind a thin veil of joviality which is already wearing thin as the moisture is welling up in our trousers even as we write this.
If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of Goldmind, please, even if you're right in the middle of sex, email us so that we may breathe a sigh of relief and rest assured in the knowledge that, after he's had time to sort out whatever personal issues are more important than our peace of mind, he will be returned safely and soundly to his cage where he will not be given the opportunity to escape and run amok again. Seriously though, Goldmind, if you are out there, if you can hear us; come home, we miss you. We even made your special cake you love so much, you know the one with the chocolate horseradish icing and fish sticks with rainbow sprinkles and pork rind streusel topping. And Madam Gorgonzola is here too, we rented her by the week but its getting expensive and she's scaring the children. ...sob... sniff... sniff... SNORRRFFF! Wow, that was a really big line...
