Sunday, January 6, 2008

A Guide to Names

Bad Names Give Names a Bad Name

In a persons life, they will hear their name over a million times. If it's "John," over a billion. If they dislike their name, hearing it may eventually make them resentful or embittered. Over time they may even become hostile or chronically depressed. If the problem is not addressed, they could even become homicidal maniacs or bloodthirsty cannibalistic mass murdering... well, like Dick Cheney.

Such was the case with the Dutch foreign exchange student who massacred his entire high school graduation class before taking his own life in 1985. Perhaps in Holland his name was acceptable, but it can't be easy going through the public school system in the States with the name "Penusbreth Dorkenbijter."

Then there is the case of Mr. & Mrs. Dickenson who wanted to give their daughter an advantage in life by naming her Successa, but they never considered what her name would be shortened to by classmates and after years of being harassed, she finally changed it. However she made an unwise choice with Fatassia and was no better off.

The History of Names

A lot can be learned about the evolution of man, his psychological development and his preoccupations throughout history, from the meanings of names. The name Chester, for instance, first belonged to a man who specialized in bodice fitting and was known for making his clients appear more buxom or “chesty.” Bob, originally pronounced "boob," was given to a man who had an obsession with the upper torso of the female anatomy. Preston, derived from "Breaston," was the name of a push-up bra manufacturer. Hank was shortened from "Hanker" which when spoken in the accent of the region sounded like "Honker" and was the name of a man who had a penchant for grabbing womens bosoms and making a honking horn sound (hence the term “honkers”).

The meanings of some names such as Millhouse, Glen, Walker, Dale, Eddy or Taylor are a complete mystery and if they did have any historical pertinence it was to something unimportant.

Multiple Names

In some cultures, it is customary to have multiple names, some paying tribute to relatives or religious icons or just to make one sound more important. The Mexicans are notorious for this. We’ve all made the mistake of asking our house keeper for her full name only to be bombarded with fifteen minutes of something like:

“Maria Conchita Contessa lupita Chorizo Zapato Rolando Juanita Camine Javasita Isolmos finita Yewami Destapa Denchuga Tapemi Xandova Depesos Abiada Yujer Dien.”

"One Name, That's all I need"

Then you have the “rock star” who thinks they are the only person in the world named “Tiffany” and therefor, don't need a last name. Madonna, Cher, Sade, Moesha, Sting... at least Boy George differentiates himself from all the Girl George's in the world. And it’s a comfort to know that the half naked person grinding her hips on the television isn’t “Big Kim.” I assume Salt’s last name is Shaker and Peppa’s is Grinda but I’ll bet “Prince” doesn’t even know what royal family he belongs to and that his father is my neighbors dog “King.”

For this installment of A Guide to Names we'll start off with 3 categories:
Pet Names, Breakfast Cereal Names and Almost Famous People names:

Pet Names
Hey, it worked for Tiger Woods!

Fluffy Silvers
Spot Levine
Sheppy MacNeill
Patches Brown
Cuddles Cooper
Skippy Gutierrez
Prettybird Wilson
Mittens McGee
Whiskers Colfax
Fido Bernstein
Rover Rivers
Hereboy Yamaguchi
Poo-Poo Perkins
Killer Bernard
King Smith

Breakfast Cereal Names
If you can't feed your kids that sugary crap, it may come as some consolation to them if they're named after it.

Kix Maroni
Sugarpops Muldowney
Cheerios Becker
Mueslix Meyers
Chex Baker
Cornflake Rodgers
Froot Loop Larkin
Captain Crunch Calhoon
Nut ‘n Honey Seavers
Kashi Romolar
Special K. Murgatroyd
Count Chocula DeBronge
Shredded Wheat Whelan
Alphabits Butts

Almost Famous People Names
Who knows, you might get into an A-list party or two!

Spittany Beers
Tustin Jimberlake
Haris Pilton
Nuck Chorris
Gel Mibson
Sten Biller
Goopie Wholberg
Zob Rombie
Rid Kock
Crew Darey
Sperry Jinger
Vichael Mick
Gill Bates
Tronald Dump
Hom Tanks
Dirsten Kunst
Dosie O'Ronald
Donnie Jepp
Doop Snogg

Look for future installments of A Guide to Names on this blog, when we cover name categories such as: Futuristic Space Age Names, Prehistoric Names, Military and Legal Names and Exciting Names!

by numbsain