I'm on a long dusty stretch of road somewhere in the midwest, dyin' from dehydration and my lousy CD collection.
"I wish somethin' would happen, anything, just somethin' DIFFERENT!"
And then I see a sign:
Bullsphincter..................30 miles
Cadaver..........................32 miles
Bathroomdale.................42 miles
"Great!..." I'm thinking "...A town, cold drinks, gas, a change of scenery!"
As I approach Bullsphincter, I see another sign:
Mayonaisse Factory...Seniors, Children, Dogs Welcome—Wine and Mayo Tasting
"Ooh, I can't wait....
Spot a gas station and pull in. There's a kid standing in front of the pump who seems like he's really good with a yoyo. I pull up to him and say:
"Hey, you're pretty good with that thing."
He looks up at me shocked and slackjawed and the yoyo hits him right in the mouth knockin' out both of his front teeth. There's blood runnin' down his chin and he starts screamin' so loud, at such a high pitch, that I actually considered suicide for a second. Finally he stops screamin' and runs inside the garage yellin' "Mommy, mommy!" I look down at the yoyo and it's actually two turtles glued to each other belly to belly and their legs and heads are startin' to poke out of their shells. So just as I'm about to pick 'em up, the kid and his mommy come out of the garage, except his mommy's a big fat biker lookin' dude with a beard and there are five drop-dead gorgeous midget girls right behind him and they're wearing tight little tank tops and teensy weensy daisy dukes. I mean what are the odds? And I don't even have a thing for midget chicks or nothin' but I mean they were stone-fox-trot-hot. So then the kids mom looks at me, points to the turtles and says:
"You glue these turtles together?"
"Aw hell no!" I say "I just pulled into town to pick up some supplies and your little boy just knocked his teeth out right in front of me with 'em."
"Yeah, he does that all the time."
Now the midget girls are just smilin' and posin' and just lookin' pretty as can be and the biker dude says to me:
"You know how to fix a jaccuzzi?" and for some reason I say:
"Of course I do, doesn't everybody?"
Well, that was the wrong thing to say cause his face turned red as a beet and he pulls a rubber hose out o' nowhere and says:
"Go get dinner started girls, I'm just gonna beat the tar out o' this wise ass."
So I jump in my car as fast as I can and take off like a bat out o' tude and I'm thinkin:' "What the sam fuck?" Then I look in my rear view and this fat fool is hangin' on to my trunk with a big smile on his face. I start swervin' back and forth tryin' to lose him and I look back and he's took my gas cap off an' he's suckin' the gas right out of my tank through the rubber hose! Not siphoning it, drinkin' it! I'm about a mile down the road by now and I run out of gas. So I got no choice, I gotta fight! I grab a tire iron off the floor and jump out o' the car and he's lyin' on the back of my car DEAD! So I pull 'im off and dump 'im in the dirt and just then the Highway Patrol pulls up behind me. He gets out an' says:
"You in a heap o' trouble boy."
I tried to explain the situation but he says:
"I don't give a hoot about that fool, you got a carload of underage girls."
I look over at my car and see the midget girls come pilin' out of the back seat and they're all butt naked!!! Next thing I know he's got the cuffs on me.
And then I woke up!
What the hell do you think it means?
Brought to you by the brain of numbsain!
