Friday, January 11, 2008


People love to plan their lives. From the first childhood proclamation: "I'm gonna be a pimp when I grow up" working out the little details is what separates man from the retards. But when planning our death, it's the people we leave behind we need to consider. It's just plain selfish to indulge in self-aggrandizing funeral services costing thousands that could be much better spent on the living. Here are some tips on how to die cheap.

1. If you're going to die, do it close to where you'll be disposed of. Nobody wants to lug a corpse around. You might want to have yourself hacked into several pieces as soon as you see the first signs of your demise or at least empty your bowel and bladder.

2. People over the age of 75 should carry Hefty bags. As soon as you start clutching that left arm, Climb into your trash sack. Hang around sanitation collectors when in you're in your twilight years.
Note: It is not necessary to jump the gun and shit-can yourself too soon. How many times have you looked in a dumpster to see that someone's thrown away a perfectly good man.

3. Don't go grocery shopping for two weeks when you're just gonna keel over tomorrow. Its a waste of food. Never leave a mostly-full package of Depends undergarments. When you sense the end approaching, just piss yourself freely. It's not like you're going to have a hot date you need to impress.

4. How selfish is it to spend your children's inheritance on a mahogany casket thinking you need to ‘go out in style.’ The minute you feel poorly, rent a little dingy and get a couple of bags of cement. Shove your feet in the bags and just stand up.

5. If you must be buried in a hole, when you feel death come a-knockin', find a construction site where they're pouring fresh concrete. While it's wet, either jump in or have your kids throw you in. it'll be decades before the building is destroyed and your bones are discovered

6. If you have to be buried at a cemetery, forget about tombstones. Don't obligate loved ones to waste their time visiting a stupid grave site just to stare at a square rock they payed for. Put a picnic table and a barbecue grill there so at least they can have a little lunch while they celebrate, er, uh, mourn.

7. Tombstone engraving can be very costly but there are alternatives. A new firm out of East LA now offers a graffiti art epitaph service. They do beautiful work at a fraction of the cost of engraving. Plus, they'll even seal it with a durable new coating that makes cleaning off over-tagging easy.

8. Then there's the afterlife. No haunting, no hanging around in denial thinking "death? that never happens to me." Its straight to heaven (or hell) with you and get the economy single. You don't need cable and magic fingers, you're dead remember. God doesn't take tips and the Devil doesn't take bribes so there's no reason to be buried with "a little spending cash."

9. And finally there's reincarnation. Many think that if you take your money with you, you'll be reborn with a silver spoon in your mouth. Not true, that just means your mom tried to abort you herself at the breakfast table. With the cost of living what it is today, it's only common sense to save on the cost of dying.

by numbsain