Vehicular Mans Laughter

I went out for a walk this morning, perfectly innocent right? I saw my neighbor under his car. I should have just kept walking but I wanted to make an impression on him. so I said;

“What’s goin’ on Ted?”

“Aw, it’s these damn brakes.”

“Brakes? I’ve changed my brakes before. Doin’ it yerself, eh?”

“Yeah... When you changed yours, did you have to turn the rotors?”

“Uh, well... no, I uh...I just left ‘em y’know, the first way.”

“Yeah? Say, would you climb in the drivers seat and pump the brakes?”

“Sure Ted.”

I got in the car and for some reason I released the emergency brake. The car started rolling backwards and I heard;

[Crunchsickle! “A-A-A-A-A-a-a-rgh-gur-gle-squish!”]

“Oopsies. That did NOT sound good. Ted? Are you okay man?”

I got out and took a look. Ted was run over by his own car. I'm glad it wasn't my fault. Squashed him like a squirrel. Oh, it looked bad. Just then Ted’s wife came out of the house. Talk about your bad timing. Sheesh. Women. It’s like, they just know. I couldn't let her see Ted like that; I had to think fast. So she walked right over and saw Ted all squashed. She got this look on her face like... I've seen that look before... I could swear she was getting ready to scream. So I knew I had to come up with a good story. I got in car, started it up and just floored it.

[Ka-SMASH-Ka-ta-ka-crunch-tinkle-tinkle...dink!]

I smashed the car right into Ted’s wife, through the garage door, and right into the garage. PERFECT!
Oh wow. She looked bad. Kind of like Ted. “Now, what the hell am I gonna do about this?” I went back out and very carefully grabbed Ted by the arms, cause he might have had a spinal cord injury, and I carefully dragged him into the garage. Whew. ...Oh shit. I went back out and grabbed Teds legs very carefully... no, it doesn't really matter now... So I just quickly grabbed his legs and dragged the rest of him into the garage.

Wouldn't you know it? Just then, Ted’s sister and her 4 year old son, Cleavon came out of the house. Oh God. Not a good time lady. And did you have to bring the kid with you? I had to think of a good one AND quick. ... ... ... ...Got it! So I stood in front of the garage blocking the way so they couldn't go in and I just gave them this look and said;

“Whattaya want?”

Just like that and I was standing in front of the garage door, totally smashed.

“N-Nothing. What are you doing?” She said.

“What? Oh this? What do you think? (Quick think brain, think) I... I'm helping Ted put in a new garage door.”

“Oh, okay well, that's okay then, um, tell Ted I'm going to the grocery store.”

“Okay, I’ll tell him.”

Just then Cleavon came walking out of the garage.

“Mommy there's dead people in there. They look like the squirrel we runned over.”

“Cleavon! Come away from there, ha-ha, kids are hilarious, what an imagination!” She said.

“Yes, what a hilarious imagination you have Cleavon. Kids are always thinking they see dead people. It's amazing they survive to grow up at all. They're so hilarious.”

Then, of all the funky-bitch luck, Ted’s girls Sarah, 12 and Jenny, 14 came outside through the garage. I’m like HEL-LO-O.

“Did you kill my mom and dad?” Jenny asked. I had to think fast. I pulled out my can of mace and I maced Jenny right in the eyes. She screamed and fell to the ground. Then I grabbed Sarah by the head and pulled her toward me. But I heard her neck snap. BUT THAT PART WASN’T MY FAULT! I swear, she had a really weak neck! She fell down too, but she'll be alright. ...Ooh, actually I hope not... No, she's probably dead too, just like her poop-stupid dad...and her funk-butt mom.

Ted’s sister was smart though, she stayed calm. So I walked over to her and then she tried to bolt. I grabbed her by the dress. She kept running though and her whole dress ripped right off of her. Now she was standing there butt naked! Can you believe it? BUTT NAKED!? I mean come on, she obviously liked it. So I maced Cleavon and grabbed her by the tits and threw her into the garage. Now, I’m thinking; “I’ve murdered at least two people already, what the hell difference does it make?” I’m thinking. So I raped her. I didn’t really have time to talk her into it. What’s the difference anyway?

Then, as if I wasn't having a bad enough day as it was, I see out of the corner of my eye, Jenny getting up. I’m all;

“Not now, Foster face.” I had to really think fast this time. She got up and she was rubbing her eyes. I was just about to rape her when I realized, “Wait a minute, she’s 14.” That just didn’t seem right. So I went to get my rifle but by the time I got back, she was gone. Brilliant.

So I shot Ted’s sister because I don't think I did that yet... wait did I? No, I just raped her... Okay good. Just covering all my bases. Then I got in my own car—It didn't seem right to steal Ted’s car—but then I remembered, the guy is dead. “Why should I waste my gas?” So I was driving along looking for Sarah... no Jenny... Oh shit. Where’s Sarah? ...Oh yeah I broke her neck. That’s cool.
So I was driving along and I saw Jenny running down the street. I just floored it. I got up behind her pretty quick but when I went to stop, the breaks didn't work.

What in the name of holy chicken-chunk-buckets is next?

Of all the barf-wheezing luck. So I just mowed her down but I kinda lost control of the car and hit the mailman too. Letters go flying everywhere and I’m thinking;

“Shit that’s a federal offense!” Also, I was expecting a check. So I started picking up the mail and like the fifteenth letter I picked up was for me. And it’s my check!!! Yes!!! Glad something went right today. So I got back in the car to go to the bank, but when I got there the brakes still didn’t work.

BITCH-TITS!

So I smashed right through the bank window and I realized, if I just kept going I could take out the security guard and get behind the glass to where the tellers are. So I hit the guard and went right through the glass. There was money flying everywhere. So I scooped up a couple million dollars and ran out of there.

Then I heard the sirens. oh for flyin' out FUCK. They were heading straight for me... but they went right past me.

“Hey you idiots I’m right... No, wait...I don’t want to do that. I kept quiet.

What the damn-hell? They’re going towards my house. Manny, Moe and Jesus, I hope everybody’s okay. So I got on a plane and moved to a foreign country, I can’t remember the name, it’s like some foreign name. So now I’m stuck out here in Nowherevania or some crap. All because of Ted and his stupid swimming pool... No, his car...right? Was it his car?
TELL ME!
TELL ME!!!

by numbsain
Note from numbsain: I apologize for this unbelievably stupid post which pokes fun at and makes light of some extremely morbid issues such as vehicular manslaughter, rape, death, murder, macing little girls, breaking their necks, shooting people, robbing banks, violating the mail and some other things you should not do. I'm telling you this just in case you're a complete idiot.

KICK THE BUCKET, NOT THE BUCKS

People love to plan their lives. From the first childhood proclamation: "I'm gonna be a pimp when I grow up" working out the little details is what separates man from the retards. But when planning our death, it's the people we leave behind we need to consider. It's just plain selfish to indulge in self-aggrandizing funeral services costing thousands that could be much better spent on the living. Here are some tips on how to die cheap.

1. If you're going to die, do it close to where you'll be disposed of. Nobody wants to lug a corpse around. You might want to have yourself hacked into several pieces as soon as you see the first signs of your demise or at least empty your bowel and bladder.

2. People over the age of 75 should carry Hefty bags. As soon as you start clutching that left arm, Climb into your trash sack. Hang around sanitation collectors when in you're in your twilight years.
Note: It is not necessary to jump the gun and shit-can yourself too soon. How many times have you looked in a dumpster to see that someone's thrown away a perfectly good man.

3. Don't go grocery shopping for two weeks when you're just gonna keel over tomorrow. Its a waste of food. Never leave a mostly-full package of Depends undergarments. When you sense the end approaching, just piss yourself freely. It's not like you're going to have a hot date you need to impress.

4. How selfish is it to spend your children's inheritance on a mahogany casket thinking you need to ‘go out in style.’ The minute you feel poorly, rent a little dingy and get a couple of bags of cement. Shove your feet in the bags and just stand up.

5. If you must be buried in a hole, when you feel death come a-knockin', find a construction site where they're pouring fresh concrete. While it's wet, either jump in or have your kids throw you in. it'll be decades before the building is destroyed and your bones are discovered

6. If you have to be buried at a cemetery, forget about tombstones. Don't obligate loved ones to waste their time visiting a stupid grave site just to stare at a square rock they payed for. Put a picnic table and a barbecue grill there so at least they can have a little lunch while they celebrate, er, uh, mourn.

7. Tombstone engraving can be very costly but there are alternatives. A new firm out of East LA now offers a graffiti art epitaph service. They do beautiful work at a fraction of the cost of engraving. Plus, they'll even seal it with a durable new coating that makes cleaning off over-tagging easy.

8. Then there's the afterlife. No haunting, no hanging around in denial thinking "death? that never happens to me." Its straight to heaven (or hell) with you and get the economy single. You don't need cable and magic fingers, you're dead remember. God doesn't take tips and the Devil doesn't take bribes so there's no reason to be buried with "a little spending cash."

9. And finally there's reincarnation. Many think that if you take your money with you, you'll be reborn with a silver spoon in your mouth. Not true, that just means your mom tried to abort you herself at the breakfast table. With the cost of living what it is today, it's only common sense to save on the cost of dying.

by numbsain