Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sometime in the Distant Future.... (Episodes-3&4 Just added!)

~by numbsain
T. Interesting... fascinating... very unusual... I think you had better come look at this, Moron"

M. What is it now, Tampax?

T. No, not now, 4000 years in the past. I'm not sure exactly but it appears to be a document recorded using crude binary code and transmitted electronically.

M. Can you make out what it says?

T. It will take me 2.7 minutes to decipher and another 4.3 nanoseconds to transcribe. Shall I proceed?

M. Very well, but hurry.

T. Working on it. This animate blob has a very disturbing appearance, it seems to be a life form. Corporeal carbon based. Extremely primitive.

M. Is it aware of our presence?

T. Unlikely. Even if it did have the mental capacity to perceive us, it would have no way of understanding what it was sensing.

M. What is it doing?

T. It seems to be activating an electron manipulating device with its appendages by closing circuits which produce small changes in the radiated output of this light emitting substrate as well as changes to the electronic document I am attempting to decipher. Let me archive search this activity... give me a nanosecond.

M. Be quick Tampax I haven't got all second.

T. Here it is: that is a human being, a primitive life form that once inhabited the third planet of this star, the one we presently occupy, and it is inputting data into a device called a computer.

M. But why would such a creature be involved in so specific an activity? Shouldn't it be scurrying around trying to absorb sustenance from its environment?

T. My guess is that it is entering data into this communication bulletin for global broadcast. These bulletins are called "Blogs." They are transmitted for a variety of communication purposes. This ones purpose is "humor."

M. Humor? Was that not the method by which ancient life forms prevented self destruction and were able to delay their extinction for several generations longer than was expected?

T. Yes. By incorporating humor into their thoughts, they evolved to a point where they came very close to crossing the dimensional barriers which confined them to limited durations and delayed the process of physical decay.

M. But only a few of these beings actually succeeded in producing and transmitting humor of that magnitude. Check the archives let's see if the data matches

T. Look at that! This blog is entitled "Goldmind's Unwind" and that is the title of the blog that survived the longest and almost allowed this life form to cross over the dimensional barrier.

M. Incredible! what is it doing now Tampax?

T. I do not know Moron but there seems to be a correlation between our thought transmissions and the data it is inputting.

M. What? Are you sure?

T. I'm going to configure that device to directly translate in real time.

M. What will this tell us?

T. !!... Repeat.

M. What will this tell us?

T. Repeat again!!!!

M. Is there a malfunction with your bioreceptors Tampax? That is the second repetition you've requested.

T. Don't you see it!?

M. What is that? There it just did it again!!

T. Testing... Testing 1... 2... 3... Most alarming. How could this be?

M. I don't know, but it is perfectly tracking our thoughts... look at that. It did it again! ...every time. What is it doing with the data?

T. Entering it into this humor blog!

M. Do you mean to say this life form is somehow tracking our thoughts and entering it into this blog for the purpose of humor!!??

T. Yes, Moron and it is transmitting everything we are saying all across this planet to others of its kind 4000 years ago!!!

M. There are others listening to what we are saying and it is humor to them?

T. Yes.

M. Tampax, do you realize what this means?

T. They are laughing at us!

M. Those horrible primitive beasts!

T. How dare they! Do they have any idea how superior we are to them?! Of all the unmitigated audacity. I hate these creatures! Stop it! Stop mocking me!

M. Quick Tampax, Encrypt our thoughts so they can't make fun of us anymore!

T. Right away, Moron. Just one more nanosecond... there!

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This concludes our broadcast of "Tampax & Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"
Pyscho-interdimensionally channeled and recorded by Numbsain of Goldminds Unwind: The Blog that almost saved the Human Race.



The Continued Adventures of Tampax and Moron—Jokes from the Distant Future"

M. What's the matter Tampax? Why so glum?

T. Glum? Is that not an emotion? We are highly evolved light beings. We do not have emotions. And I resent you implying that I do, Moron.

M. I did not imply that you had emotions Tampax, but you've been moping around this enclosure for minutes now, ever since those silly carbon based humans made a total mockery of us.

T. Moping? I beg your pardon Moron, but I do not mope. And they did not make a total mockery of us. It was a partial mockery.

M. No, I'm afraid not Tampax, it was a total mockery. Did you see the way the corners of its sustenance receptacle were turned up slightly and it kept making the hukking sound? Those were indicators of a response to humor, Tampax. They thought we were hilarious.

T. You're lying Moron!

M. No. Tampax, I wish I were. Another nanosecond or two and that human being might have been rolling on the floor with laughter. It might have been in tears in fact. You really tickled its funny bone.

T. What? Me? Are you trying to be insensitive? I mean, not that I care because I am far too advanced to feel pride or shame or embarrassment or any of the other human being emotions.

M. Ah, I see you've been studying them too. Yes these emotions seem to be the most intriguing of their qualities... From a research standpoint that is.

T. Oh don't bullshit me Moron you know you find it a little more than intriguing, you big... presenter of a false impression of ones self for the purpose of bolsteri—

M. Phony? I believe is the word you are looking for.

T. So what if it is? You ARE a big phony Moron because you think you are so great but you are not. Don't even talk to me Moron. I hate you.

M. Oh come now Tampax, I saw you eyeing those seratonin ports in that human's brain. I saw your visual cortex become flushed with neurons in anticipation of the humans dopamine receptors being rewarded.

T. It must have been so... pleasurable.


B. Greetings Moron and Tampax.

M. Who are you?

P. We are Pepsi and Blistex, we were sent by the Controller Mega-Gulp to intervene.

T. Intervene? But why, we have done nothing wrong. We were ju—

M. Forget it, Tampax. We can't weasel our way out of this, they know what we've done. Go ahead terminate us. Once we've had a taste of it, we'll never stop trying to get it. We knew the risk we were taking but it was worth it, wasn't it Tampax?

T. Huh? ...What...


T. Uh... Oh! Yes! it was worth it. We knew we would be caught but we loved doing it so much that we said "This will be worth it" and it was.

B. Why?

P. Blistex NO!

Will Blistex and Pepsi succumb to the temptation of human emotions or will they terminate Moron and Tampax as they were sent to do? Find out next time on:
The Adventures of Tampax, Moron, Blistex & Pepsi—Renegade Jokes of the Distant Future... Oops!



The Adventures of
Episode 3—Tampax & Moron Go Corporeal

T: Well, here we are Moron... Highly evolved light beings ... pure intellect... completely free of emotion...

M: That we are, Tampax, that we are.

T: ...Our existence is unbelievably boring, Moron.

M: That it is, Tampax, that it is

T: I have been wondering, Moron...

M: Wondering is a futile activity... but I suppose, what else have you got to do.

T: What is it like to be corporeal, to have emotions, to...

M: Procreate?

T: What do you mean? What is Procreate?

M: Well Tampax, long, long ago, in a time land forgot, life forms merged their physical bodies in order to procreate, conceive and bear offspring. When they did, they would experience a physical reward.

T: Intriguing! ...But I doubt I would be affected.

M: I'm sure you would not.

T: ...Why not, Moron?

M: Because we are far too advanced for such base pursuits.

T: We are not THAT advanced.... But I suppose you are right. It would be so... base.

M: Oh yes, terribly base.

T: (sigh)

M: Indeed.

T: Moron, I want to be corporeal! Just once! Can we Moron? Please?

M: Hmm, it would broaden our scope of understanding.

T: We must choose hosts!

M: I have already chosen them.

T: You have?!

M: Yes, I anticipated this and already arranged it. For your host I have chosen a female designated: "Angelina Jolie" and for myself, I chose a perfect specimen, one that was both intelligent and physically endowed so that I may experience corporeality to its fullest. It is the one called Numbsain.

T: Wait a nanosecond Moron, I will be Angelina Jolie and you will be Numbsain? That is very humorous. Why would Angelina Jolie procreate with Numbsain? She is WAY out of his league...

M: Look, do you want to do this or not Tampax?


M: Alright then, let us commence.


M: How do you "feel" Tampax?

T: Oh my! This is a most unusual Moron! I can feel the urges you spoke of...

M: Uh... Tampax? Why are you grinding your center portion into mine? Are you trying to occupy the same physical space as me?

T: I do not know Moron, It is an instinctive reflex. I will try to control it...

M: No! That is okay Tampax. You may continue if it is, as you say, "an instinctive reflex" You should see yourself though Tampax. Your appearance seems to reveal your thoughts. Here, look into this reflective surface.

T: That is me?! How shocking! Those facial expressions are so embarrassing.

M: How ironic, you were never this turned on as a light being.

T: I am not "turned on," Moron! You speak of me as if I were a tawdry "red" light of Earth's "Amsterdam" region or a "Psychodelicate" "black" light of Earth's "Hippy" era.

M: I see you have studied these creatures quite extensively. And the term is "psychodelic."

T: Well you seem to be well versed yourself Moron. In any case, I do not wish to endure any more of this humiliation. Remove me from this corporeal host.

M: Oh alright.


M: Well, that was VERY intriguing, don't you think Tampax? Especially the part when you...

T: I do not wish to discuss it Moron!

(To be continued)


The Adventures of

Episode 4: Pepsi & Blistex Come Out

Pepsi: Greetings Tampax and Moron.

Tampax: Where have you two been? I noticed your enclosures were vacant.

Blistex: We... uh... had to step out... for some... reason...

Moron: What "reason" pray tell?

P: Uh... what Blistex meant to say was, we were conducting research.

B: Yes! Research! That is what we were doing! So you see, there is no need to suspect...

P: Enough, Blistex! Do not oversell it.

B: Oh no, I was just...

P: Blistex!!

T: Let Blistex speak. This sounds interesting.

P: IT WAS NOT INTERESTING! It was boring research, let it go, Tampax!

M: There is no need to escalate our thought projections, Pepsi. We are all advanced light beings here.

T: Some more advanced than others.

B: Excuse me? Just what are you insinuating, Tampon?

T: My designation is "TAMPAX" not "Tampon," BEESWAX!

P: Hey, hey, hey! No need for intentionally assigning erroneous designations, Tampax. Besides, Blistex and I are clearly the more advanced light beings.

M: The void you are, PAP SMEAR! Tampax and I make you two look like a couple of human beings.

B: How did you know about the human beings? Did you see us occupying them?

P: Oh Blistex you guileless buffoon, will you please shut up?!

T: AHA! So you were occupying human forms TOO!


T: Oops! I, er, uh, meant the TWO of you...

B: Pepsi, they did it too! Did you hear that?

P: Blistex you blabber-brain, do you ever shut up?

M: ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT ENOUGH OF THIS! So we were all occupying human beings. Get over it. perhaps we should share what we have learned from the experience. Tampax and I occupied Angelina Jolie and Numbsain and experienced animal drives first hand. Which human beings did you two occupy?

B: We chose numbsains fellow bloggers Goldmind and Cheese. And we too were unable to control our base instinctive urges to procreate...


M: Are you serious?!

P: Oh, Blistex, you idiot... Ix-nay on the ocreation-pray!

B: What?

T: Psha-ha-ha-ha! AHA-HA-HA-HA!!

M: HA-HA-HA Hey Tampax, they are fancy light beings! HA-HA-HA! Dainty little chandelier lights! HOO-HOO-HO-HO-HA-HA-HEE-HEE!! How sweet!

B: What are you laughing about?


(to be continued)