Thursday, November 15, 2007

Goldminds Unwind Proposes New Holidays

by numbsain, Goldmind

Chew and Show—February 22nd
Brightly colored foods are eaten all day long and everyone chews with their mouth open. When you see a friend or walk into a room, it is customary to have your mouth full and burst in saying: “Bleaaaaaah!” and show everyone the contents of your mouth.

Disheveled Friday—the last Friday in November
Everybody wears the rattiest clothes and generally looks like sh!t. Women wear no make-up and don’t bathe and children are encouraged to spill food on themselves.
Men behave like normal.

Umbilical Day. Celebrated nine months prior to your birthday.
Everyone has to tie a rope from their belt to their mom’s waist, hide under a bed sheet, then walk around the mall tied together while publicly reciting the ways the two of you are just alike. At the end of the day you exchange presents neither likes.

Trade Roles Day—October 8th
Children drive, drink, smoke and work. Adults go to school and have to do everything the angry drunken nauseous children tell them to as they speed by at 100 miles per hour. Men dress like women and women are insensitive to men’s feelings.

Funny Voice Day—April 3rd
Everyone talks with the funniest voice they can make. Helium balloons are handed out and Kazoos are used by children who don’t understand the concept.

Tornado Day. Date, time, and place change each year without warning.
Everyone sits under a sturdy table or transom and takes turns exchanging facts and trivia about Oklahoma. “Okmulgee Oklahoma owns the world record for biggest ice cream and cookie party.” First person to three wins.

Direct Day. Six months after April Fools.
A whole day where you’re forced to tell friends/spouse how you really feel. Hallmark idea: Front of card: “Would it kill ya to lift a finger around here?” Inside: “No, not THAT finger.”

Karl Marx Day. Each May 5 (his birthday). Everyone dons 19th century garb, wears a false furry mustache/beard, feigns a German accent, and pontificates on arcane theories like commodity fetishism or Hegelian dialecticism. No presents are exchanged. In fact, no one owns anything.

Propinquity & Perspicacity Day — July 27th
The effete intellectual snobs’ holiday in which those with high IQ’s flaunt their intellect and use overly verbose language to belittle and demean stupid people. The brainiacs all gather in the town square and expound on complex scientific subjects and describe inconceivable concepts and theories in the most pedantic manner possible, while ignoramuses all listen patiently trying to glean some semblance of meaning; all the while they are poised and ready holding cream pies behind their backs. At the stroke of midnight, all the smarty-pantses stop talking and the morons jump up and stuff the pies into their faces gleefully shouting things like “Nyah-nyah-na-nyah-nyah!” and “you think yer so smart, well yer not!” and the intellectuals all stand there looking stupid with pie on their faces. For it is now Dopey Dumbells Day, a holiday in which brainless simpletons reign supreme. No one is looked down upon for behaving like an idiot and it’s okay to drool and say “Duh...Ah-o-know.”

Bug Touching Day —September 1st
This not-so-fun holiday is designed to help people overcome their squeamishness about bugs by requiring that everyone familiarize themselves with the object of their fear in an up-close and personal way. Crickets are caressed, Maggots massaged and big fat cockroaches felt up. Even big hairy spiders are kissed by the braver observers of this national holiday invented by nature conservationists in an attempt to disabuse the population of the notion that bugs are creepy. Unfortunately the equal rights act allowed sissies to counter with their own holiday, Bug Stamping Solstice — July 28th.

Sarcastic Weekend—1st weekend in March
Self explanatory. Conversations required that sound something like:
“How are you?”
“Yeah right, you care.”
“Oh that so bothers you.”
“Bother schmother.”
“Oh that was hilarious.”
“Not like you, you’re so much funnier than me.”
“Funnier schmunnier.”
“I’m so impressed!”
“Oh, thank you so impressive of you to notice!”
“Well your brilliance just rubs off on me.”
“Brilliance schmilliance.”
“Oh my god, I can’t believe how clever that was!”
and so on.

Editor's note: About 40% of this post was taken from just about the first post ever posted on Goldmind's Unwind. That won't happen again; it happened now only because no one read that post or, if they did, are just being polite.