Odd After-School TV Specials

by Goldmind

We've all watched them - those helpful after-school TV specials educating us on the potential dangers of accepting soggy pornographic magazines from pantless strangers driving decrepit station wagons. The following is a list assembled by our dedicated staff of some particularly memorable specials.

Lemur Star Wars



TV executives in the disco-era received a report indicating that kids between the ages of 10-14 were primarily interested in (1) sex, (2) murder, (3) animals, and (4) the movie Star Wars. Tying these together, Grayson Blown Away Productions released "Lemur Star Wars," which feature red laser blasts, graphic animal mating, and territorial battles in outer space.

You're in hell Charlie Brown



Originally designed to convey traditional Christian values, "Peanuts" generally featured subtle moral lessons. That is, until Charles Schultz released "You're in hell Charlie Brown," designed to serve as a gentle reminder that failing to love Jesus Christ could mean one day waking up in a lake of everlasting fire.

Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie



Desiring to cash in on the popularity of reality TV and Princeton Review graduate school acceptance guides, Tortious Films released "Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie," which featured 72 hours of raw, unedited footage from a digital camera placed inconspicuously on a centrally located library table. 60 hours of the footage feature an anonymous student snoring while passersby nervously chew their nails.

Klingon Makeover of the Stars



Capitalizing on America's perpetual obsession with actors, as well as catering to a persistent contingent of Star Trek fans, Fallopian Pictures rolled the dice with this 2 hour special showcasing an array of Hollywood talent receiving Klingon make overs.

I Forgot Why I'm Eating this Ice Cream



French Avant-garde filmaker Toussieu Lyon Rhônes-Alpes baffled American audiences with his animated short "I forgot why I'm eating this ice cream." Said Rhônes-Alpes of his film: "La créature est chaude. Il doit manger de la glace. La glace ne fond pas. Effectivement, le printemps de fleurs en avant. Vous êtes la créature. Je vous donne ma glace. Prenez-le."

University Health Services



This peculiar film featured an unknown man, above, standing idly in front of the University Health Services facility, silently, for 30 minutes while staring intensely at the camera. No other scene takes place and the intent of the film is unknown.

Malt Liquor Goggles



This after-school special, focused on the dangers of alcohol consumption at parties, single-handedly decreased malt liquor sales 12% throughout the U.S. Strangely, sales increased in the U.K. and northern California.

50 Bumper Stickers Likely to Confuse or Anger Fellow Americans (recently revised/updated)

editors disclaimer: The following suggestions are a JOKE and your kind, loving authors do not desire to offend anyone at all whatsoever in any way, shape, or form and cannot be responsible for anyone blowin' a gasket. Please do not be angry at such authors or desire hell-fire upon their souls. Thank you.

50. Nice people swallow
49. Terrified immigrants in trunk
48. If you can read this, I'll bust a cap in your ass!
47. I'd rather be driving
46. My son is a lazy fat ass at ___ Middle School
45. Car carries no driver
44. This is my opinion
43. My child is a retard; he thinks this touts his scholastic achievement
42. Christians for Phariseeism
41. Honk if you're a non-conformist
40. Hillary Clinton also spells "Nylon Tar Chilli"
39. A dirty possum gave me crabs
38. Jesus Loves Me... every night
37. This vehicle equipped with Fred Flintstone brakes
36. Seeing eye dog on board
35. I'd rather be sodomized
34. Kosher Killer Klowns on Board
33. I love bumper cars!
32. Is necrophilia really so wrong?
31. I'm deeply in love with my money grubbing, scum sucking wife
30. Let's all crash into a wall & go to heaven right now!
29. I sure do have to pee in that last stall at the rest stop on Exit 45
28. God asked me to kill you
27. Proud American Nationalistic Ethnocentric Mother Fucker
26. My child ain't squat of the month
25. Jesus wore K-mart sandals!
24. I love golden showers!
23. Jimmy Smokes Crack and I don't care
22. Objects in driver’s seat are smarter than they appear
21. Jesus is my lord and savior....but Tito is my pool boy
20. Why don't you let your student of the month drive?
19. My child was aborted
18. I shoot people who pass me
17. I vomit out my sunroof
16. I love unattended children
15. Steven Hawking is a moron!
14. Driver loves hard licker
13. We're all dead in this car, which is careening out of control as we speak.
12. I eat babies
11. I bought this Mercedes with crack dollars!
10. Catch my 2-year old!
9. As for me and my house, we shall worship a horned hoofed beast
8. Bastard Magnet
7. I'm on acid and this road looks like chocolate
6. Old enough to pee, old enough for me
5. My child is the owner of a Congressional Medal of Honor, the Nobel Prize, and a Pulitzer Prize. Now what was it you were saying about your child?
4. My other car is a piece of shit too
3. Yes I believe in equal rights, Bitch
2. Assholes are just nice people turned upside down
1. How’s my drinking?
~numbsain, Guinness, Cheese, Goldmind

From the Patent Office: The Graveyard of Discarded Inventions

By Cheddar

1. Vend-a-goat The exotic choice for the slaving office Joe with an adventurous palette, Vend-a-goat provided a wholesome, nutritious hit of chewy protein. Although the prototype was a smash success in test markets, the vending machine was shelved after it repeatedly malfunctioned when users attempted to shake goats loose from the coil tension springs. After its failure, creator Ben Dover moved in Birmingham Alabama where he later became a successful lawn jockey.



2. Charmin 600 ply For the giga pooper in every family, Charmin developed this industrial device in the 1960s . Its 600 feather-ply ultra soft feel was often compared to the sensation of wiping one's behind with the silk of paradise. The product was shelved out of respect to Mr. Whipple, who suffered a massive coronary while attempting to squeeze the fluff pack and simultaneously asphyxiate himself with scented baby wipes to heighten the pleasurable effect.



3. The Noodle Fan - Artfully designed to attach to any chopstick, Ho Ree Shet invented the device to solve the ancient and vexing Chinese "hot noodle" dilemma. Each fan contained a long-lasting battery calibrated to provide a continuous breeze capable of cooling six billion noodles. However, while attempting to shepherd a bevy of noodles to expectant, gaping mouths, 60% of focus group participants were disappointed to find their own severed finger, lip, tongue, or nostril in the bowl, and the noodle fan was relegated to obscurity.



4. The Cowasaki Ninja - Invented in, you guessed it, Texas, the Cowasaki Ninja was a visual nose-thumbing at Orange County Choppers. Even the advertising slogan developed for the bike—"Chop this!"— was an aggressive affront to the Orange County Chopper fan base. The machine failed when internet commentator and critic Jugz3572 labeled it "gay" on his daily blog. Saddled with the debilitating moniker, the Cowasaki faded into obscurity.



5. "Asswipes for Assholes" - New York City retailer, Products For Dirty Fannies Inc.'s frankly named offering was doomed upon release. Initially designed for the Middle East as a quick way to clean up after diuretic donkeys, the product struck out following a hard-edged ad campaign in English - a language few members of its intended Arabic audience understood: "Did your Donkey Defecate? Asswipes for Assholes!!" Only one package ever made it onto a shelf.



Know of any other failed products? Have good accompanying pictures? Email them to blogdump@fuse.net !

Goldminds Unwind Proposes New Holidays

by numbsain, Goldmind

Chew and Show—February 22nd

Brightly colored foods are eaten all day long and everyone chews with their mouth open. When you see a friend or walk into a room, it is customary to have your mouth full and burst in saying: “Bleaaaaaah!” and show everyone the contents of your mouth.

Disheveled Friday—the last Friday in November
Everybody wears the rattiest clothes and generally looks like sh!t. Women wear no make-up and don’t bathe and children are encouraged to spill food on themselves.
Men behave like normal.

Umbilical Day. Celebrated nine months prior to your birthday.

Everyone has to tie a rope from their belt to their mom’s waist, hide under a bed sheet, then walk around the mall tied together while publicly reciting the ways the two of you are just alike. At the end of the day you exchange presents neither likes.

Trade Roles Day—October 8th
Children drive, drink, smoke and work. Adults go to school and have to do everything the angry drunken nauseous children tell them to as they speed by at 100 miles per hour. Men dress like women and women are insensitive to men’s feelings.

Funny Voice Day—April 3rd
Everyone talks with the funniest voice they can make. Helium balloons are handed out and Kazoos are used by children who don’t understand the concept.

Tornado Day. Date, time, and place change each year without warning.

Everyone sits under a sturdy table or transom and takes turns exchanging facts and trivia about Oklahoma. “Okmulgee Oklahoma owns the world record for biggest ice cream and cookie party.” First person to three wins.

Direct Day. Six months after April Fools.

A whole day where you’re forced to tell friends/spouse how you really feel. Hallmark idea: Front of card: “Would it kill ya to lift a finger around here?” Inside: “No, not THAT finger.”

Karl Marx Day. Each May 5 (his birthday). Everyone dons 19th century garb, wears a false furry mustache/beard, feigns a German accent, and pontificates on arcane theories like commodity fetishism or Hegelian dialecticism. No presents are exchanged. In fact, no one owns anything.

Propinquity & Perspicacity Day — July 27th
The effete intellectual snobs’ holiday in which those with high IQ’s flaunt their intellect and use overly verbose language to belittle and demean stupid people. The brainiacs all gather in the town square and expound on complex scientific subjects and describe inconceivable concepts and theories in the most pedantic manner possible, while ignoramuses all listen patiently trying to glean some semblance of meaning; all the while they are poised and ready holding cream pies behind their backs. At the stroke of midnight, all the smarty-pantses stop talking and the morons jump up and stuff the pies into their faces gleefully shouting things like “Nyah-nyah-na-nyah-nyah!” and “you think yer so smart, well yer not!” and the intellectuals all stand there looking stupid with pie on their faces. For it is now Dopey Dumbells Day, a holiday in which brainless simpletons reign supreme. No one is looked down upon for behaving like an idiot and it’s okay to drool and say “Duh...Ah-o-know.”

Bug Touching Day —September 1st
This not-so-fun holiday is designed to help people overcome their squeamishness about bugs by requiring that everyone familiarize themselves with the object of their fear in an up-close and personal way. Crickets are caressed, Maggots massaged and big fat cockroaches felt up. Even big hairy spiders are kissed by the braver observers of this national holiday invented by nature conservationists in an attempt to disabuse the population of the notion that bugs are creepy. Unfortunately the equal rights act allowed sissies to counter with their own holiday, Bug Stamping Solstice — July 28th.

Sarcastic Weekend—1st weekend in March
Self explanatory. Conversations required that sound something like:
“How are you?”
“Yeah right, you care.”
“Oh that so bothers you.”
“Bother schmother.”
“Oh that was hilarious.”
“Not like you, you’re so much funnier than me.”
“Funnier schmunnier.”
“I’m so impressed!”
“Oh, thank you so impressive of you to notice!”
“Well your brilliance just rubs off on me.”
“Brilliance schmilliance.”
“Oh my god, I can’t believe how clever that was!”
and so on.

Editor's note: About 40% of this post was taken from just about the first post ever posted on Goldmind's Unwind. That won't happen again; it happened now only because no one read that post or, if they did, are just being polite.

25 Worst American Bands (pray you've not heard them)

{List compiled by staff. Lft to rt: numbsain, Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness}

25. Crotch Mold Fever

24. Billy Gay and the Flamers

23. Beaver Bean Buttons

22. Obese Anorexics Obsessed with Paradox

21. Kid Glove and the Soft Peddlers

20. Jewish Tragedy

19. Heraclitis and the Clits

18. The Redneck Pick-Ups

17. The Angry Astral Projectors

16. The Vegetable Brothers

15. Nair Supply

14. The Red Hot Silly Lepers

13. Thousand Islanders Undressing

12. Prömschpien

11. Erect Homo Sapien and the Copulating Inseminators

10. Jerry Atric and the Dinofarts

9. Toe Jam

8. Steve Sphincter and the Fecal Four

7. Squashing Eggplants

6. Soundfartin'

5. Jefferson Crop Duster

4. Spittany Beers & Tuskin Jimberlink

3. Stinkfinger

2. Damp Hamster

1. Boyz2Girlz

~Cheddar, numbsain, Goldmind, Guiness

Mother Duck's Lesser Known, Odd or Disturbing Nursery Rhymes

Tyler’s Dad was Wealthy

Tyler's dad was wealthy,
Got it from grand dad,
He'd spend his cash on whores and hash to stop from feeling sad.
Tyler's dad was wealthy,
"I'm rich" he sadly sighed.
He could not hide the pain inside so slit his wrist and died.

Chiggadee boop and bee

Chiggadee boop, Chigadee bee,
Oh No! Did the baby pee?
Chiggadee bop, Chigadee ben,
If you want your face slapped, do it again.

The Pirate Boy

Timmy was a pirate
Sailed the sea
He liked to take his cream with tea
Then one day
He said “I’m gay.”
That’s why his crewmen walk that way

Have you a rhyme?

Have you any rhymes to ease my pain?
"Yes I’m a doctor, you may be insane!"
Have you any pills, to help with depression?
"Yes mam, Yes mam. Come to my session!"
Have you any rope, if I run out of hope?
"Just a bit of floss mam, you’d better cope!"
Have you a life, you’d care to say?
"Not really mam, that’s why I blog each day."

Clap, Clap



Clap, clap
see the baby rap
Chill, Chill
See the baby kill
Rad, rad
now the baby sad
Bye bye
see the baby die

Dung and Stink Poo

Dung and stink poo
Fell from a yew
Rolled down a hill till it ran into Sue
Sue got hurt
Called out to Burt
Who laughed until Sue filled his mouth up with dirt

Jabby Jo



Jo Jo Jabby Jo, Jabby Wabba Jee,
Can you show me where, a little boy can pee?
Jo Jo Jabby Jee, Jabba Wabba Jo,
Piss off kid, I just don’t know.

Snot, snot

Snot snot
Blow it in a pot
Stick it in the oven
And drink it hot.

Pretty Pete

Pretty Pete
Liked to cheat
He chased a dog who was in heat
Caught her in a ditch
Here’s the hitch
Out came Pete with a baby bitch.
Waaaaaaaah!

Drew Drew Dragon

Drew drew dragons
Drew drew good
Drew drew his daddy’s ire
Now Drew chews food with wood

Jack Need Help

Jack Sprat was a borderline, his wife was a narcissist
They jumped off a bridge together, now rarely are they missed.

The Honest Parrot



Oh Polly Bird, have you a word, for an old woman earnest and true?
"Perhaps I would mam, if I gave just a damn, but frankly I want to kill you."

Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam

Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam, make you wise decisions?
"Oh yes, the interest groups will see to that precision."
Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam, will peace you spread afar?
"Of course I will my little child, if gas stays in my car."
Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam, will the earth live life as one?
"That is my goal - we'll save their soul, that's why I use my gun."
Uncle Sam, Uncle Sam, do you love our globe?
"My loyal subjects all I love, now bow before my robe."

Dog and Hog

There once was a dog and a flatulent hog
They coughed, belched and farted, and called it a blog
The blog was a fad
Which wasn’t so bad
Now doggie and hoggie are slightly less sad.

~Goldmind

If you like these, check out our other Nursery Rhymes by clicking this link:
Mother Goosed

10 Scary Movies You Cannot or Should Not See

“Day of the Night” 50’s era schlock about invaders from Neptune who use laser technology to reverse the earth’s cycle of night and day. Global chaos erupts when nighttime lasts 24 uninterrupted hours. A normal 12 hour day ensues, however, and the night/day pattern reasserts itself and everyone forgets what happened. Stars Elvis Presley as the crooning Neptunian and Ann Margaret as the femme fatale who steals his heart.

“The Six Cents” About a nickel and a penny; every time a person holds these coins they go slowly insane and commit suicide, after which they are plagued by visions of live people whom they've left behind; these live folks are happy, don't miss the dead, and are seen laughing about "how crazy was that sonnuvabitch."

“Heck bound Heck Raiser 1- The not so nice bad guy” Tired of explicit titles, social purists got together to produce this “horror” movie about a somewhat grumpy guy doing a couple naughty things to some very nice people. After a serious heart-to-heart, he winds up seeing the error of his ways and everyone hugs at the end. Put test audiences to sleep.

“Poltergeist 7-The modern Era” This time, Carol Anne gets trapped inside an mp3 player. The medium, Tangina Barrons, must open a portal through the home’s high tech panic room while the mother, Diane, dons virtual gloves and plays Nintendo Wii in a desperate effort to bring her back. Movie canceled only because Craig T. Nelson could not be reached for the role of the dubious dad.

“The Present” A shy, introverted boy slowly breaks out of his shell by befriending a wrapped gift box he discovers hidden in his parent’s closet. Complications arise when the present begins to molest the child under the pretense she is the boy’s wife from the future who has come back to the past to warn him about the possibility of her molesting him as a present in the future.

"Freddy Kruger meets Jason meets Chuckie meets Dracula meets Godzilla" Intended to be the ultimate showdown between the superstars of horror, the film never even got to the cutting room as everyone involved was killed in the first five minutes of it's inception.

“The Hillbillies Have Eyes” A family of hillbillies moves to Beverly Hills, and starts a very bizarre collection of their guests' eyes, leading police along a murderous trail of eyeless corpses bearing no connection to the Hillbillies. Mr. ClampIt puts his guest's head in a vice to assist with the eye removal procedure. Rated NC 17.

“Outhouse” Was to be the prequel to “House.” Richard Moll, face bleeding and distorted, rises out of outhouse hole to torment the living. Movie failed when Moll outright refused to be covered in feces.

“The Rhode Island Razorblade Redundancy” Hitchhikers are trapped in a desolate Rhode Island...umm...warehouse where they are pursued by a fat man wearing....a ....latex mask. He is known as “latex head”. He captures them one by one and slices them to pieces with razorblades. All the while his off-kilter family stands by and assists. Completely original. Heh. But it still sits unmade because no one in their right mind will copyright it.

“We’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” Rarely seen Slovakian addition to the zombie genre about six lazy sailors who die in a freak uranium typhoon. The uranium alters their DNA such that they become radioactive brain-eating night walkers. Rather than eat the brains of potential human victims, however, the procrastinating zombies elect to sit in lawn chairs on a remote beach and pass the time observing the ebb and flow of the sea. The zombies soon die of starvation, but return to life, once again. The film abruptly ends when, frustrated at their inability to move as a result of their weakened state, the zombies eat themselves in a gory climax.

“We weren’t kidding when we say that we’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” The second segment in the “brains out” series, in which the zombie sailors, having been consumed, return as troubled, digested spirits. No longer in need of physical sustenance, the ghosts pass time engaging in ill-fated attempts to grasp physical objects in the denser earth plane. After repeated failures, the ghosts plaintively call out to their spirit guides, who appear in brilliant, shimmering balls of white light. The zombies are forced to view their past lives, make restitution, and ultimately reincarnate as The Rolling Stones.

~Goldmind, Cheese, Guinness, numbsain

Top 25 Worst Things to Get in Your Halloween Trick-or-Treat Bag

25. Cabbage
24. Crystal Meth
23. Dead shrew
22. Edible panties
21. Loose Kool-Aid powder
20. Live Flyfishing bait
19. Newtmuskateers
18. Photographs of Naked Octogenarians
17. Assorted pain relievers
16. Confederacy currency
15. Crack Rock Candy
14. Partially decomposed dog
13. Sharpies box filled with used syringes
12. Nicorette gum
11. Chocolate covered razorblades
10. 50 credit card applications bound together with a rubber band
9. Chain letter
8. KC & the Sunshine Band 8 track tape
7. Cheese whiz in a bag
6. Lint balls
5. Baggie of Purina Cat Chow
4. Medicated suppositories
3. Unpopped kernals from microwave pop corn
2. Caramel kidney stones
1. Condomints—Condoms that come in 3 minty flavors

~Goldmind, numbsain, cheese

Worst Halloween Costume Contest

News of the Very Strange

In September 2007, the owner of a restaurant on the corner of Main and Highland in Denver reported to police that a homeless man slumped in his chair in the non-smoking section of the eatery had not moved in three days and was beginning to smell. Police who arrived on the scene made a grisly discovery. It wasn’t a homeless man after all. Several stray dogs had disguised themselves as a human in an effort to obtain a meal at the restaurant. Unable to pay when presented with the bill, the canines panicked and, according to a local coroner’s report, were crushed when they attempted to flee the disguise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On his way to deliver a kitten to a homeless shelter, Tiny Tim Williams, a six year Cub Scout from Athens, Georgia, was brutally run down by a Harley Davidson traveling at a speed in excess of 100 mph. Pete “Pills” Powers, the driver of the motorcycle, was arrested at his Llama ranch in Farmington, where he was hiding behind a trough, and taken into police custody.

Mr. Powers, a member of the Farmington Communist Party, had previously been arrested for driving a high-performance motorcycle on the roof of the Georgia state capital and attempting to extract gold flakes from the dome with his Swiss army knife. A search of Pills’ bike revealed empty containers of Jack Daniels and Robitussin, and a weathered Jack Kerouac novel. Mr. Kerouac was unavailable for comment.

Rob Childers, the Attorney for Mr. Powers, was quoted as saying “that child should be punished for his wanton decision to cross that quiet street to get to the shelter. How else can we deter children from jaywalking? Besides, his conscious decision to take those steps supersedes my client’s negligence. That boy, precious as he was, was 2% contributorily negligent and therefore not entitled to a red cent!”

~Goldmind