Thursday, December 13, 2007

Odd After-School TV Specials

by Goldmind

We've all watched them - those helpful after-school TV specials educating us on the potential dangers of accepting soggy pornographic magazines from pantless strangers driving decrepit station wagons. The following is a list assembled by our dedicated staff of some particularly memorable specials.

Lemur Star Wars

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TV executives in the disco-era received a report indicating that kids between the ages of 10-14 were primarily interested in (1) sex, (2) murder, (3) animals, and (4) the movie Star Wars. Tying these together, Grayson Blown Away Productions released "Lemur Star Wars," which feature red laser blasts, graphic animal mating, and territorial battles in outer space.

You're in hell Charlie Brown

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Originally designed to convey traditional Christian values, "Peanuts" generally featured subtle moral lessons. That is, until Charles Schultz released "You're in hell Charlie Brown," designed to serve as a gentle reminder that failing to love Jesus Christ could mean one day waking up in a lake of everlasting fire.

Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie

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Desiring to cash in on the popularity of reality TV and Princeton Review graduate school acceptance guides, Tortious Films released "Law School Library - The Reality Series, The Movie," which featured 72 hours of raw, unedited footage from a digital camera placed inconspicuously on a centrally located library table. 60 hours of the footage feature an anonymous student snoring while passersby nervously chew their nails.

Klingon Makeover of the Stars

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Capitalizing on America's perpetual obsession with actors, as well as catering to a persistent contingent of Star Trek fans, Fallopian Pictures rolled the dice with this 2 hour special showcasing an array of Hollywood talent receiving Klingon make overs.

I Forgot Why I'm Eating this Ice Cream

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French Avant-garde filmaker Toussieu Lyon Rhônes-Alpes baffled American audiences with his animated short "I forgot why I'm eating this ice cream." Said Rhônes-Alpes of his film: "La créature est chaude. Il doit manger de la glace. La glace ne fond pas. Effectivement, le printemps de fleurs en avant. Vous êtes la créature. Je vous donne ma glace. Prenez-le."

University Health Services

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This peculiar film featured an unknown man, above, standing idly in front of the University Health Services facility, silently, for 30 minutes while staring intensely at the camera. No other scene takes place and the intent of the film is unknown.

Malt Liquor Goggles

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This after-school special, focused on the dangers of alcohol consumption at parties, single-handedly decreased malt liquor sales 12% throughout the U.S. Strangely, sales increased in the U.K. and northern California.