CHEWDWIN'S NEW YEW'S YESUH-WOOSHINS
I wiw 'top skatching my butt in cwass
I wiw do my pinups
I wiw not wipe my boogews on my pawents
I wiw weaw soups to chewch
I wiw say my pwayews evewy nite
I wiw eat my vegawubbows evewy nite
I wiw member to spay fanks and cheese
I wiw be kime to naybows
I wiw say "I know" to stwangews.
and,
I wiw say Nappy New Yews to EB-EW-Y-BUB-BA-DY!
NEW YEAR'S REST-HOME-LUTIONS
I'll tell ya what my New Years resolution's gonna be; This year I'm gonna get Selma Cunningham in the sack and I'm gonna rock her world!
—Willard Royce 90 years old
“Well, n- n- n- na- na- nah- nah I'm not g- g- gonna start... t'saying somethin'
unless... ah- ah- ah- know DAMN sure that... ah... ah... ... ...w- w- well nah y'see? Ah-ah-ah fergawt agin!”
—Bill Sarks 97 years old
I ain't nevah tried the meat loaf heah, I b'lieve mah new years remanution gawn be to try that Meat Loaf, Heh Heh! 'at good nuff?
—Calvin Peeples 84 years old
My New Years Resolution is to not... die... this year.
—Candice Forthworth 109 years old
I'm doin' 80 crunches t'day and 400 those... y'know oh whats it called... push-ups!
That's my New Years Revolutions... Ha Ha *Cough* heh heh I'll be lucky if I do 3!
—Roger Blessings 103 years old
ME?! SHOOT, I CAN'T HEAR YOU! WHATSAT?! YOU HEAR A SOLUTION? SOLUTION TO WHAT? WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW! I THINK IT'S 'ROUND THE.... WHAT? ...OH ASK HIM!
—Scotty Berritt 95 years old
I'm not makin' any! Hell no! At my age ya don't need 'em!
—Matilda Crailly 100 years old
Wha!? Get the hell away from me you... you... whipper sniper! Security? Security?
Git I tell ya! (goddamn bastards, who lets them in here?...)
—Fred Schmatz 89 years old
This post has been brought to you by
Guinness...“Tain‘t none o‘ yo‘ bidness”
And by
Numbsain...“Don't try to explain”
