Tuesday, October 30, 2007

10 Scary Movies You Cannot or Should Not See

“Day of the Night” 50’s era schlock about invaders from Neptune who use laser technology to reverse the earth’s cycle of night and day. Global chaos erupts when nighttime lasts 24 uninterrupted hours. A normal 12 hour day ensues, however, and the night/day pattern reasserts itself and everyone forgets what happened. Stars Elvis Presley as the crooning Neptunian and Ann Margaret as the femme fatale who steals his heart.

“The Six Cents” About a nickel and a penny; every time a person holds these coins they go slowly insane and commit suicide, after which they are plagued by visions of live people whom they've left behind; these live folks are happy, don't miss the dead, and are seen laughing about "how crazy was that sonnuvabitch."

“Heck bound Heck Raiser 1- The not so nice bad guy” Tired of explicit titles, social purists got together to produce this “horror” movie about a somewhat grumpy guy doing a couple naughty things to some very nice people. After a serious heart-to-heart, he winds up seeing the error of his ways and everyone hugs at the end. Put test audiences to sleep.

“Poltergeist 7-The modern Era” This time, Carol Anne gets trapped inside an mp3 player. The medium, Tangina Barrons, must open a portal through the home’s high tech panic room while the mother, Diane, dons virtual gloves and plays Nintendo Wii in a desperate effort to bring her back. Movie canceled only because Craig T. Nelson could not be reached for the role of the dubious dad.

“The Present” A shy, introverted boy slowly breaks out of his shell by befriending a wrapped gift box he discovers hidden in his parent’s closet. Complications arise when the present begins to molest the child under the pretense she is the boy’s wife from the future who has come back to the past to warn him about the possibility of her molesting him as a present in the future.

"Freddy Kruger meets Jason meets Chuckie meets Dracula meets Godzilla" Intended to be the ultimate showdown between the superstars of horror, the film never even got to the cutting room as everyone involved was killed in the first five minutes of it's inception.

“The Hillbillies Have Eyes” A family of hillbillies moves to Beverly Hills, and starts a very bizarre collection of their guests' eyes, leading police along a murderous trail of eyeless corpses bearing no connection to the Hillbillies. Mr. ClampIt puts his guest's head in a vice to assist with the eye removal procedure. Rated NC 17.

“Outhouse” Was to be the prequel to “House.” Richard Moll, face bleeding and distorted, rises out of outhouse hole to torment the living. Movie failed when Moll outright refused to be covered in feces.

“The Rhode Island Razorblade Redundancy” Hitchhikers are trapped in a desolate Rhode Island...umm...warehouse where they are pursued by a fat man wearing....a ....latex mask. He is known as “latex head”. He captures them one by one and slices them to pieces with razorblades. All the while his off-kilter family stands by and assists. Completely original. Heh. But it still sits unmade because no one in their right mind will copyright it.

“We’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready”
Rarely seen Slovakian addition to the zombie genre about six lazy sailors who die in a freak uranium typhoon. The uranium alters their DNA such that they become radioactive brain-eating night walkers. Rather than eat the brains of potential human victims, however, the procrastinating zombies elect to sit in lawn chairs on a remote beach and pass the time observing the ebb and flow of the sea. The zombies soon die of starvation, but return to life, once again. The film abruptly ends when, frustrated at their inability to move as a result of their weakened state, the zombies eat themselves in a gory climax.

“We weren’t kidding when we say that we’ll eat your brains out when we’re ready” The second segment in the “brains out” series, in which the zombie sailors, having been consumed, return as troubled, digested spirits. No longer in need of physical sustenance, the ghosts pass time engaging in ill-fated attempts to grasp physical objects in the denser earth plane. After repeated failures, the ghosts plaintively call out to their spirit guides, who appear in brilliant, shimmering balls of white light. The zombies are forced to view their past lives, make restitution, and ultimately reincarnate as The Rolling Stones.

~Goldmind, Cheese, Guinness, numbsain