News of the Very Strange

In September 2007, the owner of a restaurant on the corner of Main and Highland in Denver reported to police that a homeless man slumped in his chair in the non-smoking section of the eatery had not moved in three days and was beginning to smell. Police who arrived on the scene made a grisly discovery. It wasn’t a homeless man after all. Several stray dogs had disguised themselves as a human in an effort to obtain a meal at the restaurant. Unable to pay when presented with the bill, the canines panicked and, according to a local coroner’s report, were crushed when they attempted to flee the disguise.

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On his way to deliver a kitten to a homeless shelter, Tiny Tim Williams, a six year Cub Scout from Athens, Georgia, was brutally run down by a Harley Davidson traveling at a speed in excess of 100 mph. Pete “Pills” Powers, the driver of the motorcycle, was arrested at his Llama ranch in Farmington, where he was hiding behind a trough, and taken into police custody.

Mr. Powers, a member of the Farmington Communist Party, had previously been arrested for driving a high-performance motorcycle on the roof of the Georgia state capital and attempting to extract gold flakes from the dome with his Swiss army knife. A search of Pills’ bike revealed empty containers of Jack Daniels and Robitussin, and a weathered Jack Kerouac novel. Mr. Kerouac was unavailable for comment.

Rob Childers, the Attorney for Mr. Powers, was quoted as saying “that child should be punished for his wanton decision to cross that quiet street to get to the shelter. How else can we deter children from jaywalking? Besides, his conscious decision to take those steps supersedes my client’s negligence. That boy, precious as he was, was 2% contributorily negligent and therefore not entitled to a red cent!”

~Goldmind