Numbsains Eyewitless NewsFlinch

MAN DONATES ORGAN TO SAVE WIFE'S LIFE
Mrs. Drelda Flapwitz of Cratchet N.J. lay helpless in critical condition last Tuesday when a 500 pound Hammond B3 organ fell on her while she was attempting to dust it. Mr. Flapwitz, a parapalegic, knew the fire department would not come out to save her again as she was repeatedly warned not to clean the instrument unassisted. "I did the only thing I could, I called the Salvation Army and told them I wanted to donate my organ. They got here lickety split, hauled it away and saved my wife's life."

STRONGER PLACEBOS DO LESS THAN EVER
Drugee Methlab Pharmaceuticals, the world's leader in placebos, has found a new way to manufacture placebos of increased potency by distilling them to a much more concentrated tincture. "This is certain to be very useful in medical and psychological research where placebos are widely used. The ineffectiveness is enhanced tenfold by a special process of concentrating placebonic atoms making these super-placebos far more inert than ordinary ones." These new miracle placebos are indicated in cases where the patient is already extremely gullible and therefore resistant to conventional placebos. They may also prove useful in veterinary research where the subject has absolutely no clue what's going on to begin with.

STUDY SHOWS STUDIES SHOW LESS AND LESS
As researchers accumulate more and more information, each new piece of data is thrown into the pile, so to speak. As the pile settles and the new data gets mixed into the old, the reliability of each new fact decreases. It is now believed that at some point in the future, all information will be rendered completely useless by the sheer mass of all the information that will have accumulated. However, this fact is also quickly becoming diluted, so no one is particularly worried.

NEW EVIDENCE SUPPORTING OLD THEORIES WRONG
Recent discovered evidence has been found to be largely ineffective in proving old theories which are still backed up much more easily with the same old evidence. "The age old theories we've accepted as true for years, just don't hold up very well when we use the new information that's coming in to try to corroborate it. That new info is fine for explaining new theories, but somehow it just falls short when it comes to proving what we already know. We don't need all this current crap coming in and making us look stupid. Just let sleeping dogs lie," said John Boreman, Chairman of FAQAT, Foundation Against Questioning Accepted Theories.

DEATH MAY CURE LIFE
It is inevitable, incurable and lethal! Millions die from it every year. Very little is known about the tragic phenomenon of death, yet it continues to claim victims regularly. There are certain minority factions that believe death is not the merciless bloodthirsty killer it's touted to be. A spokesperson for Viva La Muerte, Mort U. Warey states in his new book, Living with Death: "There is really very little evidence that death has anything to do with the millions of lives that are lost each year. We believe that death plays a small part in this but there are plenty of other possibilities that no one ever considers. To us, life is the true killer and death is the only cure for it. From my point of view, death is the living end."

RANDOM ATTACK FAILS
A group of militant American terrorists attempted a random attack on enemy forces but the chaos was averted when things unexpectedly organized themselves. "When a random act of violence falls into a regular pattern, it loses its effectiveness. Even the fact that I, one of the terrorists, am giving this interview, bodes very badly for our cause."

FEAR ITSELF MAY NOT BE ALL WE HAVE TO FEAR
New findings indicate that the old saying "all we have to fear is fear itself" may not be true and in fact this finding may be a very real and valid fear. One whose discoverers regret having found.

SportsBARF
The Commissioner of all Sports has deemed the game of basketball "not fun anymore" and has banned it from being played altogether. "The players were getting too tall and it just wasn't interesting to watch or play so I just said "Get rid of it." I can do that because I'm the Commissioner of All Sports which means if I don't like something, it's outta here.

The Commissioner of all Sports also stated that football is becoming too rough and injuries are the most entertaining thing about it, so it will now be called "Hurtball" and fans can expect media coverage to focus more on the wounds, trauma and suffering and less on the game itself. "Don't ask why, just trust me," the Commissioner said with an arrogant look on his face.

"I Guess baseball can stay as it is," said the Commissioner of all Sports, who has really been on a rampage lately but shows a little sanity here. "Oh except it has to be played by midgets in tutus and they have to all be Jewish," that damned Commissioner added, just to be a jerk. I'm sorry, this guy is screwing up everything, he's got to go!

The Commissioner of All Sports was mysteriously killed last night in a freak accident that no one knows anything about.

SPECIAL REPORT: BRITNEY SPEARS IS JUST AS STUPID AS EVER BUT HAS PROVEN USEFUL IN GETTING PEOPLE TO LOOK AT BLOGS. SAME WITH PARIS HILTON AND THE TERMS "SEX," "FREE PORN," "LIVE NUDE GIRLS" ETC. WE APOLOGIZE IF YOU WERE TRICKED INTO READING THIS BLOG BUT IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD. THERE ARE OTHER THINGS IN LIFE WORTH DOING BESIDES FEEDING YOUR LIBIDO AND UNTIL WE FIND THEM, MIGHT AS WELL READ GOLDMIND'S UNWIND!

Newsflinch is brought to you by numbsain inc. "smart people doing dumb things making dumb people feel smart"

Indifferent to Rejection, Goldmind Continues to Send Cartoons to New York Times (click to enlarge)

25 Worst Cat Names

Concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Fruitpoot
24. Clawed
23. Sphinxter
22. Puss n' Butts
21. Lap Pussy
20. Long Duc Dong
19. Pissy
18. Fido
17. Sandshit
16. Joe Pastafazooka
15. Shitty Shat
14. Tubesteak
13. Itchypussy
12. Violinnards
11. Purr snatcher
10. Furburger
9. The Turdinator
8. Meouch
7. Fartbubbles
6. Vaginym
5. Queef
4. Napkin
3. Osama Bin lickin'
2. Dump Clump
1. Seoul Food

It should be noted that these names are, in actuality, names that humans have given cats and not names by which cats denote themselves. Some believe that the phonetic sounds produced by a cats vocal apparatus such as "Marl," "Marlo" or "Mew" (which would be short for "Bartholomew")are the cats name choices but this is a myth. These words actually mean: "Feed me" "Clean out my box" or "Excuse me, my tail seems to be pinned underneath you rocking chair leg. Could you please remove it at once?" these words and meanings are interchangable. In truth, cats have very unique and specific names and following is a list of all the known cat names:

Prencmukle
Verinccenzi
Guillumontague
Asperacticus
Feelschmelp
Schutzky
Bullmifer
Prudence
Fagafagamoomoo
Inscrepchima
Bowelfritter

All cats alive today in the modern world go by one of these names. (Not listed in alphabetical order because cats do not recognize any alphabet as we know it.) Interestingly, these names, although widely varying at first appearance, to the cat, are all pronounced "Meow" with extremely subtle differences which are undetectable to the human ear.

A Delicious Cat Recipe
This yummy dish is perfect for a light lunch when you have 14 five year olds over on the false premise of a birthday party. Don't tell the little bedwetters they've eaten cat until they've already gobbled it all down. Warning: This dish may cause diarrhea if served with a tall glass of embalming fluid.

1 Can—Cat Spam®
3 tbsps—Pure Cat Extract
1 Medium sized Cat (with fur)
12 dashes—Cat Zest
1/2 tsp—Knorrs Cat Seasoning
5 large—Russet Potatos
1/8 cup—Whole Watermelon
4 pcs—Crumbly Kitchen Sponge
2 1/2 tsps—Motor Oil
1 Whole Tuna Fish Vagina

Combine the Silly putty, Bamboo shoots and Aspirin in a medium sauce pan and fling out window. Sift together Cat Spam®, Sponge and Tuna Fish Vagina in large mixing bowl and set aside. Throw the potatos at the first buck-toothed lesbian you see (do not hurt or injure lesbian in any way. Lesbians are an important part of the ecosystem and should be treated with care). Mash the Cat until stiff peaks form and preheat oven to 13 degrees. Arrange the remaining ingredients decoratively in an Iron walrus embryo shaped skillet (If you don't have one shaped like a walrus embryo, forget the whole thing let all the ingredients run free in a sparsley populated area). Next eat the Cat Zest right out of the tube and serve at once. Serves 8 fat pigs or 400 older midgets who have stapled stomachs.

This space reserved as a memorial for our beloved deceased cat Limpy who was accidentally killed when he was run over by 43 cars on the freeway. (it may have been more but after 43 we stopped watching) We love you Limpy! Rest in Pieces!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It should also be noted that in cultures that accept the use of cat in the diet, there are other names given the cat and they are as follows:

Cat au Gratin
Cat with Rice
Sauteed Cat with Mixed Vegetables
Cheesy Cats n' Macaroni
Paté de Cat
Cat Loaf
Kittens in Blankets
Cat Stroganoff
Kitty Stew
Chat de la Gorgonzeaux, Encrusted with Blue Cheese and Peppercorns
Stuffed Cat
Spaghetti and Cat Sauce
Pussy Alfredo
Cat Carbonaro
Peanut Butter and Cat Sandwich
Kitten Milk
Fresh Seasoned Cat Chunks over a garlic rice pilaf
Catatouie
Raw Cat Hand Roll
Broiled Cats
Enchiladas Del Gato

Usually, these dishes are enjoyed with a hearty Merlot or a Dry Sherry. However if the cat is to be enjoyed as a cocktail, we recommend the following:

Cat Drinks:

Dry Cat Martini
Cat Gimlet
Shirley Tabby
Cat, Straight Up (no more than three recommended if driving)


Lastly, are the names given to cats in response to aberrant behavior. They are:

STUPID CAT!
DUMB JERK CAT!
DAMNED CAT!
GROSS, STINKY CAT!
DISGUSTING CAT!

We hope you have enjoyed this updated information and if any new developments in cat nomenclature arise, we will update again.

Glossary of Cat Definitions

Sable-Toothed Tiger—A species of prehistoric cat whose diet consisted of only russian squirrels
Tony-the Tiger—A mythological big cat who touted the GRRRrrreatness of corn and sugar in the diet
Catapult—A Medieval weapon used to hurl felines at the enemy with great force
Catastrophe—Any truly bad situation that can be blamed on the presence of a cat or cats.
Catamaran—A seafaring vessel used in the transportation of cats
Cataclysm—A major disturbance in the world that some damn cat caused
Catalack—A large luxury sedan owned by fat cats.
Aristocats—A disgusting cat joke often told to showcase a humorists tolerance for vulgarity

Cat Movie Reviews:
The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing
a delightful if heartwrenching saga of an American man who falls in love with a Native American girl named Cat Dancing. But there love is ill fated as he becomes obsessed with being a contestant on The Gong Show. His act consists of torturing helpless felines into “dancing,” but it's more like twitching and spasming due to electrical shocks he gives the tabby's with surgically implanted devices. Strong language, weak storyline, harsh meowing, full frontal cat nudity, the sex is violent so it's okay for the kiddies to watch.

Corporate Icon usurped by Warty Toad

by Cheddar

In a move that has rocked the corporate world and has water coolers steaming with speculation, officials at McDonald’s handed Ronald McDonald his walking papers. After fifty years as one of America’s most recognizable icons, McDonald’s decided it was time for a new spokesperson to peddle the restaurant’s high caloric blubbery lard.

“It simply was time for a change,” McDonald’s spokesman Gaylord Byron said. “Modern times call for a modern approach. And, as Geico’s annoying-as-hell Aussie Gecko makes clear, amphibians move inventory.” “After much internal consideration among our management team, our CEO unilaterally decided it was time to introduce the modern face of McDonald’s: Ribbit McDonald, a stubby toad with short hind legs, warty skin, and conspicuous swelling behind protruding eyes.”



In a move that has industry insiders scratching their heads, the company elected to retain “The Hamburglar,” "Mayor McCheese," “the French Fry Guys,” “McNugget Buddies,” and “Grimace”—each of whom will remain as supporting cast members to Ribbit McDonald. “This leads one to assume that this move was actually targeting Ronald himself, as if it were a vendetta on the part of McDonald’s officials,” marketing analyst Laurie Driver said. “It does make one wonder whether Ronald McDonald’s recent visit to the Neverland Ranch had some as yet unknown ramifications.”

In June, Ronald McDonald was photographed at Michael Jackson’s famous ranch. In the photograph, Ronald and Michael are shown seated side by side at a picnic table, while young boys in princess costumes frolick in the background eating chicken mcnuggets. Both Michael and Ronald appear to be eating hot dogs while grinning at each other; however, the grins could easily be interpreted as leers. Ronald McDonald’s sudden termination has fueled debate over the purpose of the neverland visit. Mr. McDonald, seen in the photo at top pushing his earthly possessions down a New York side street, could not be reached for comment as he has no phone apart from a toy replica incapable of receiving cellular signals. However, Ronald’s lifelong friend and colleague, Grimace, agreed to answer a few of our questions.

Goldmind’s Unwind: “Did Mr. McDonald ever indicate to you why he visited Neverland Ranch?”

Grimace: “Rubble rubble. Rubble rubble rubble rubble.”

GU: “But if it was innocent, why was no formal announcement of the meeting ever made?”

GR: “Rubble! Rubble rubble rubble rubble!”

GU: “So Mr. McDonald is or isn’t trafficking in young boys?”

GR: “Rubble! Rrrrubbblle!”

GU: “Well back at you, you fat purple turd! Wanna take it outside?”

No matter how you slice it, it’s a sordid state of affairs in the obese world of two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun. Either Ronald McDonald’s special sauce has finally caught up to him, or the corporate gurus at McDonald’s have saddled us with years of another ridiculous mascot out of sheer spite. Either way, that creepy burger king mascot is starting to look better all the time.

25 Worst Dog Names

List concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Bundy
24. Mistress
23. Crappy
22. Stain
21. Kitty
20. Anus
19. Worms
18. Sir Crapsalot
17. Spaylina
16. Coming Mary
15. Bedshits
14. Mein Führer
13. Wetspot
12. Fart
11. Hairpie
10. Fudgepacker
9. Stools
8. Meatsword
7. Grumblepoot
6. Butt Trumpet
5. Crotchie
4. Assie
3. Herpes
2. Buttsniffs
1. General Colon Bowel

Runners up for the top 25 worst dog names
Revised and added to by numbsain

Since Goldmind's Unwind first posted this list, we have received hundreds of letters each week from dogs with bad names. Most of them are irate, angry letters from canines under the mistaken impression that we were somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is not true. And to show our sympathy for these badly named dogs who apparently have learned to operate a computer (although their spelling and grammar is atrocious), we'd like to list some of the ridiculous names these pooches have been branded with:

Drive-By
Squirts
Moo
Thilly
Devil Dog
Bone smuggler
T-Bone Walker
Kibbles 'n Butts
Groincheck
Bark Simpson
Paw Prince
Oscar My-yer-a-Weener
Leash Ornament
Collar Otto
Guardenia
Vicious
Hal O. Tosis
Retard
Ol' Brown Nose
Uppan-died
Fran's best mend
Hydrant Hydrator
Growlf
Doo-doo-ronomy
Mucous
Dysplasia
Mangie
Choker
Sick-of'em
Loyola Many-Mount
Digger Blew
Thirston Howl III
Shedd
Puddles
T-Penis
Hell-Mutt
Teeter Poundsend
Pyuto
Mighty Stupid Dog
Spitbull
Michael Vicks Best Friend
Bingo the Dingo
Beeyotch
Old Smeller
Joan of Bark
Doggie Bowzer
Poop Dogg
Uri Nader
Dogeau
Dogma
Barf-all-on-you

Speaking of man's best friend, a term which seems a little demeaning to women if you ask me, If “the way to a man's heart is through his stomach” and a dog is man's best friend than why aren't there more recipes which incorporate dog ? Have no fear, coming soon:

Kanine Kulinary Klassics

Collie Flower Soup
Barbecue Pit Bull
Shitzu Shitaki Sushi
Poodle Noodle Strudel
Arroz Con Chihuahua
Weiner Dog Schnitzel
Setter A La Cheddar
German Shepherds Pie

edited by numbsain 2/08

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More Kanine Kuisine
added by numbsain 5/1/08

Who's mouth doesn't water uncontrollably at the very mention of a delectable Doberman, a scrumptious Scotty, or a Great Danish? There's no better way to satisfy a hungry appetite than with the delicious taste of fresh dog meat. Here's an Indian feast that'll have the whole family praying for puppies and ransacking the local kennels.

Samoyed Samosas
Ingredients:
1 medium sized Samoyed dog, boiled, skinned and mashed
1/2 cup boiled and drained green peas
1 1/2 tsp cumin seeds
1 tsp dog extract
1 tsp red flea powder
1/2 tsp puppy do-claw powder
1/2 tsp dog bone powder
1 tablespoon chopped dog nuts
Salt to taste
3 cups maida (all purpose dog flour)
1/2 cup maida, for rolling out
1 tablespoon heated dog ghee or dog oil
Oil for deep frying
1 tablespoon dog ghee (clarified dog butter) for the stuffing
1 small dog bowl of cold water

Method:
Beat the dog until dead
When the whiskers stop twitching, and yelping stops
add the dry powders and fry for 10 seconds.
Add the mashed Samoyed and green peas and mix well.
Mix in salt to taste.
Fry on a low flame for about 10 minutes.
Set aside.
combine the maida, dog ghee or dog oil and salt to taste.
Add enough water and walk the dog.
Set aside in kennel for about 10 minutes.
Divide the dog into round portions.
Take each portion and muzzle it so that
it does not bite your hands.
Roll it into a not too thin perfect dog shape.
Dip your index finger into the dog bowl
and apply it to the legged edge of the dog-shaped dough.
Now hold the dog in your hand.
Fold the legged edge , bringing together the furry edges.
Seal the watered edges.
You should now have a small dog-shaped maida pocket.
Stuff it with the Samoyed mixture and take the dog for walkies again.
Repeat for the rest of the dog
Deep fry in dog oil till dog colored and serve
with beagle chutney.

Spotted Dalmation Dal

Shoot the Dalmation and remove all spots with spot remover.
Cut a big chunk from the meatiest part of the dog and
eat it raw right then and there. Throw some dal in a pot
and boil it with some spices. When it looks like it will pass as supper
set aside in a large pile under a tree for eight years.
go out in the back yard and devour the rest of the dog carcass.

Poodle Puppy Pakora

In a large bowl, add the chickpea flour, optional puppy peppers, cumin, salt, water and oil. Whisk vigorously to incorporate air and make a fluffy batter. Alternatively, put all the batter ingredients into a blender and puree until smooth. Set aside and take the dog for walkies for about 20-30 minutes.Heat about 1-2 inches of oil in a heavy skillet or deep pot to 375°F. Using a fork, dip the prepared poodle puppies into the batter to coat.

Note: to prepare the poodle puppies, just tell them in a calm soothing voice, that they are going to be cooked and eaten now and everything will be alright. Give them a little kiss on the head and a few gentle strokes and then WHACK 'EM! Don't worry, they don't feel pain the way we do.

Then drop in small batches into the hot oil and deep fry until lightly browned on all sides. Drain on a paper towel-lined plate and serve with mint chutney or cilantro chutney.

Mango Lassie Lahssi

Lahssi is a delicious indian yogurt drink made from fresh dog milk.
We'll tell you how to make it next week!

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to make it very clear to our beloved readers, many of which are dog lovers, that this is all a joke and not meant to be taken seriously in any way. We absolutely do not, never did, and never will, under any circumstances, pretend to know anything about authentic Indian cooking, and although you can't go wrong with the great taste of dog meat, these recipes would probably, if prepared as indicated, taste like shit. Seriously though, we don't eat dogs...we're vegetarians.

Note to PETA: Just watch a Tom & Jerry cartoon and then talk to us about animal cruelty.

by Numbsain

New York Times Rejects Goldminds Unwind Political Cartoon

The New York Times—a newspaper—today rejected an unsolicited political cartoon (left, click to enlarge) apparently drawn, colored, & submitted by Goldmind. Goldmind appeared unfazed by the rejection and, indeed, unaware he had drawn the cartoon. But numbsain swears he did that day they were drinking Colt45 tall boys in Mountain View. No futher details are warranted.

Additional details by numbsain:
"I saw him draw it and in fact I handed him the crayons (I chose the face color) and it was not Colt45 tall boys, it was Mezcal served by short girls in thongs (or maybe they were moccasins... I do know we were wearing Keds High Tops) and it was not Mountain View it was Sierra Vista, Mexico. Oh, and I had an outstanding warrant but Goldmind was unwarranted.

Smoking Lungs - America's Latest Addiction (click image to enlarge)

This realistic police sketch of a 16 year-old girl smoking lungs, illustrates a growing addiction among our youth. Not LSD, not Mushrooms, not Ecstacy, not Cocaine, not Crack, not Speed, not whatever trendy drug we're not hip enough to know about because those days are behind us or are too lazy to research because we've been drinking wine. No folks, smoking lungs is one damn big problem.

Amateurish Drawing by Goldmind

2007 Smartest & Stupidest Human Award

by Goldmind

Hello and welcome to this year's addition of Publisher’s Clearing Louse’ Smartest and Stupidest Human in the World Contest. We are pleased to announce this year's winners: Smartest goes to Ms. Intelligent of New York City and Stupidest to Mr. Dumb from Lake Tahoe. I’m thrilled to be able to congratulate each of you in being named this year’s grand prize winners …First, let me ask you, Mr. Dumb, how does it fell to be named this year's stupidest human in the world?

DUMB: Dumb no mind, Dumb happy. Dumb love wife; wife love Dumb. Dumb love mom; mom love Dumb. Dumb not need Dumb money to help Dumb family.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Wonderful! Now, Ms. Intelligent, how does it feel being named the smartest person in the world?

SMART: Well Bob, that’s an excellent query. And I can unequivocally state that my satisfaction is ephemeral.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Splendid! Would you mind telling us a little bit about what it is you do?

SMART: Certainly Bob, I’m an important tax attorney for a prestigious New York City law firm. Seven days a week, at 5 A.M., I commute an hour and a half to a prestigious office tower where I ride a prestigious elevator to a prestigious floor where I’m greeted by prestigious receptionists as I make my way toward my prestigious office—which, incidentally, holds prestigious certificates and awards. Then, I sit down behind a prestigious desk and spend 16 hours researching prestigious issues, such as the apportionment of income to nonresident partners of multi-tiered member managed limited liability companies.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Riveting! I recall reading somewhere that at one point you had wanted to be an elementary school art teacher?

SMART: That’s correct Bob. I gave that up when my husband—who stays at home with our two small kids—threatened to leave me if I quit my very high paying job that is also very prestigious. But the pills help.

DAN: The pills?

SMART: Yes Bob; Wellbutrin for the depression and Focalin to help me maintain interest throughout the day. Once those pills kick in, I might as well be watching the Russian Ice Ballet from prestigious box seats—such is the illusion the pills create!

BOB SEQUIOUS: Impressive! Well thank you so much Ms. Intelligent. Mr. Dumb, can you tell us something about the work that you’re currently involved with?

DUMB: Sun on face wake up Dumb each morning. Dumb walk outside. Clear trail that go for miles in California national park. Walk many miles each day. See chipmunk, squirrel, deers. Feed animal sometime. Dumb eat food Dumb grow in Dumb garden. Dumb so tired at end of day, Dumb sleep sound in Dumb shack in national park where Dumb live.

BOB SEQUIOUS: Well, you certainly appear to be in excellent physical condition and that is a very nice tan. Exactly how old are you Mr. Dumb, around 28?

DUMB: Dumb not know how old is Dumb. Dumb born 1957. Make Dumb 28?

BOB SEQUIOUS: Well there you have it folks – the Smartest and the Stupidest Person in the entire world. But don’t feel sorry for Mr. Dumb folks; we can all rest easy knowing that our society is creating folks just like Ms. Intelligent more and more these days.

~Brought to you by Glaxo-Thrillcum: “If you’re prestigious, we’ve got your pill”~

NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWS FLINCH

FIRE FIGHTERS WHO FLED IN-FLIGHT FIRE FIGHT TO FIGHT FIRE ON FLIGHT, FIRED
—editorial by Dr Numbseuss

Two fire fighters caught in an in-flight fire fight
on flight five bound for Fiji were fired last night.
The two fled the bloodshed to fight fire instead
which flared up in mid air at five thirty, they said.

"It isn't so fair that they fired the pair."
Said Ms. Bear, Flight Commissioner Cheif of O'hare
To fight fire, not fire fight was the fire fighters right,
since they paid there air fare and were there fair and square.

Blair McLair and Clyde Kildare were quite unaware
that a fire fight would have flared up way up there.
And because they were scared they were quite unprepared.
And they felt that their skills were more needed elsewhere.

The two knew they were doomed if the fire consumed
the flight crew, so they did the right thing, they assumed.
The two fire fighters did what they knew they had to do.
I would do the same thing if I was in their shoe.

The man who began the fire fight had a plan
which had something to do with smuggling contraband:
First to skyjack the plane and then fly back to spain
bringing back a napsack jam packed with crack cocaine.

To fire fight with this man they should not be required.
That's why these two fire fighters should not have been fired.

************************************
THE EYEWITLESS NEWS TOP STORIES
************************************
DOUBLE HIT AND RUN
Two drivers simultaneously hit each other and ran.
Police investigating the case were quoted as saying:
"That's fine."

SUICIDE VICTIM CONFESSES TO CRIME, DIES
Police apprehended a man suspected of suicide. After a lengthy interrogation the suspect/victim finally confessed to the crime and then died. Police Chief Billy Klubb said: "We can't have people living in denial."

MINOR MISCONDUCT FOUND IN MAJOR INVESTIGATION
An investigation revealed that an army Major committed acts of misconduct with a minor. Investigators said it was nothing that major... (wouldn't have done to any minor)

POLICE QUESTION MAN KILLED BY SUSPECT
A "question man" for the police was killed after asking a suspect too many questions. "This is the third question man we've lost which raises some serious questions that no one is willing to ask". But the question mans questionable questioning tactics are unquestionably brought into question. Reporters had no further questions.

HIT AND RUN VICTIM ADMITS TO HIT AND RUN
A hit and run victim who came forth as the prime suspect in the case
pled guilty to committing the hit and run himself. "It suddenly hit me that I had to stop running".

WEATHER FORECAST
Partly mostly with a chance of maybe clearing throughout.
Possible chance of a fairly good likelihood conditions may continue indefinitely depending on variables.
No signs of any indications at present but meteorologists are still expecting to stay on alert for the unlikely eventuality that there may be no cause for concern.

SPORTS
Men in brightly colored costumes banged into each other and some fell down. Someone probably won, certainly everyone involved was paid way too much money. Injuries may have occured at some point to someone but that's to be expected when there's this much money involved.

HONEST ASTROLOGY
Mercury went retrograde so don't try to do anything at all.
The moon went void of course, it always does.
Mars saw venus rising in Uranus and that wasn't pretty.
Anyone who is a Libra can kiss their sorry ass goodbye.
It's not looking too good for Gemini and Pisces either, lot of suffering and hardship there.
Tauruses can relax for a minute but all the other signs are pretty much screwed.

This Eyewitless News Flinch has been presented by Numbsain.
Sponsored by Numbsain Inc. "Smart people doing dumb things to make dumb people feel smart!"
and by Atchoo Inc. "Atchoo... Bless you!"
and by GEZUNTIGHT LTD. "The Tightest Gezuns are made by Gezuntight"
and by Oops I Farted! "What's that smell?—Oops I Farted!"
and by the Law Offices of Chewen, Chewen, Chewen & Gulp "Aaah-torneys at Law"

From the Patent Office: The Graveyard of Discarded Inventions

By Cheddar

1. Vend-a-goat The exotic choice for the slaving office Joe with an adventurous palette, Vend-a-goat provided a wholesome, nutritious hit of chewy protein. Although the prototype was a smash success in test markets, the vending machine was shelved after it repeatedly malfunctioned when users attempted to shake goats loose from the coil tension springs. After its failure, creator Ben Dover moved in Birmingham Alabama where he later became a successful lawn jockey.



2. Charmin 600 ply For the giga pooper in every family, Charmin developed this industrial device in the 1960s . Its 600 feather-ply ultra soft feel was often compared to the sensation of wiping one's behind with the silk of paradise. The product was shelved out of respect to Mr. Whipple, who suffered a massive coronary while attempting to squeeze the fluff pack and simultaneously asphyxiate himself with scented baby wipes to heighten the pleasurable effect.



3. The Noodle Fan - Artfully designed to attach to any chopstick, Ho Ree Shet invented the device to solve the ancient and vexing Chinese "hot noodle" dilemma. Each fan contained a long-lasting battery calibrated to provide a continuous breeze capable of cooling six billion noodles. However, while attempting to shepherd a bevy of noodles to expectant, gaping mouths, 60% of focus group participants were disappointed to find their own severed finger, lip, tongue, or nostril in the bowl, and the noodle fan was relegated to obscurity.



4. The Cowasaki Ninja - Invented in, you guessed it, Texas, the Cowasaki Ninja was a visual nose-thumbing at Orange County Choppers. Even the advertising slogan developed for the bike—"Chop this!"— was an aggressive affront to the Orange County Chopper fan base. The machine failed when internet commentator and critic Jugz3572 labeled it "gay" on his daily blog. Saddled with the debilitating moniker, the Cowasaki faded into obscurity.



5. "Asswipes for Assholes" - New York City retailer, Products For Dirty Fannies Inc.'s frankly named offering was doomed upon release. Initially designed for the Middle East as a quick way to clean up after diuretic donkeys, the product struck out following a hard-edged ad campaign in English - a language few members of its intended Arabic audience understood: "Did your Donkey Defecate? Asswipes for Assholes!!" Only one package ever made it onto a shelf.



Know of any other failed products? Have good accompanying pictures? Email them to blogdump@fuse.net !

Today's Spotlight on Addiction: The Scooby Doo Cartoon Problem

by Goldmind

Addiction. Is it a problem? Yes. For many, that addiction is narcotics; for others, gambling, sex, and Robitussin. Fortunately, assistance is available. Charitable organizations, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, continue to help struggling addicts tussle with inner demons through such radical techniques as the use of support groups.

There is, however, a debilitating addiction being swept under the green shag carpet. An addiction that has become so menacing, so terrifyingly alarming, it warrants two minutes of thoughtless reflection.

The following is an anonymous transcript secretly scribed at an underground meeting of an organization that is courageously opposing this addiction known throughout the televised world simply as…the cartoon “Scooby Doo.”

Hi, my name is John.

[collective reply from folks in room]:
“Hi John!”

This is my first time here…And, I, you know, I came to talk about…what it was like… My Scooby Doo problem.

I started watching Scooby Doo around 10 years ago. It was the good Scooby Doo…you know, the one that began with the bats flying out of the old mansion. Those damned bats! ... “Squeak squeak squeak squeak!” I can still hear the feint echo of their fleshy wings today…fluttering…fluttering.... I loved them. And each day, I would come home and sit down on my couch, eat cocoa puffs…and watch. Sometimes I’d sing along if it was a season two rerun. You remember the songs: “Seven days a week now! ….Seven days a week!” Its seductive beauty called to me like animated Sirens.

Unfortunately, I listened to that Siren song. I…I began to dress like them. An ascot, a lime-green t-shirt… an orange skirt… Each day, the same outfit. Then, slowly, I began to talk different. At first, it was subtle…an occasional “zoiks” if surprised, a judicious “jinkies” to express alarm, sometimes I even accentuated the punch lines of a bawdy joke with a well-timed “Jeepers!” But then it was entire sentences and, before long, I was forcing friends to listen to 30-minute soliloquies of dialogue from classic episodes like “Whose Afraid of the Big Bad Werewolf?”



It began to affect my relationships. I stopped hanging around airport bathrooms and took to running with a group of aimless teens. We bought a van; scrawled “mystery” on the side with a permanent marker, and frequented desolate roads and abandoned rock quarries. And there were the parties. Sometimes I arrived as a mummy pretending to search for an ancient, precious medallion; other times, as an angry Miner-49er, aggressively protecting a stash of buried gold. We would alternate chasing each other down long hallways…growling…swiping…stopping only when our victim, having carelessly dropped a pair of eye glasses, failed to realize we were a monster.



I bottomed out. My grandmother had had enough and… left me. Why? In a word - Daphne. Ahhhh, Daphne; I couldn’t get Daphne out of my head. I used to imagine us splitting up from the others, searching through hidden corridors, opening creaky doors and cupboards. I could no longer focus on my work as a royal food tester or on my wives and seventeen children. All I could see was Daphne’s swishing purple clad bottom and pink nylons. Daphne…Daphne... I became morbidly obese; the 35-layer hero sandwiches and 3 tons of Scooby snacks I consumed each night only seemed to exacerbate the problem. Then I

[Suddenly, a shout from someone in the back of room interrupts the speech]
“Hey…I don’t know WHO this guy is everyone, but I do know one thing, HE AIN’T JOHN. I KNOW a John!

[Stunned silence…then suddenly someone shouts “Get Him!” This is followed by complete chaos and shouting then the overhead lights go out but just as quickly come back on. A Sheriff suddenly appears in the room and speaks]:
“This man isn’t John?”

[Someone in the audience, while tightly gripping the man who may not actually be John, replies]:
“No. You see, that’s what they WANT you to think.”

[this person then rips of a mask that had been covering John’s face. Crowd loudly gasps and collectively shouts]:
It’s Mr. Wopples! The Chair of Scooby Doo Anonymous!!!

[Mr. Wopples sneers, then begins to speak in a menacing tone]:
“That’s right you dodo heads, it’s ME, Mr. Wopples!! I always hated you. ALL OF YA! It’s high time we stopped this nonsense…got back to the way things used to be. Hmmmph. And you know what else? I’d have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for you meddling kids!”

[The Sheriff smiles, then, while whisking the villain away says with a smile]:
“You kids did a fine job! Milkshakes on me!”



[One of the apprehenders named Fred shouts]
“Hey, everybody. Let’s head to the malt shop!!! [Cheers follow]

[Just then, a woman from the back of the room suddenly shouts]
“Wait…he’s still here!! The imposter…he must have gotten away from the Sheriff!!!”

[Panic abruptly ensues. Then a man named Shaggy tepidly approaches the villain and rips off yet another mask]
Hey, it’s my dog!!

Scooby Dooby Dooooooooooooo!!!!!!

[collective laughter] Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !!!!

[Cue bats flying out of mansion…squeak…squeak…squeak…squeak!]

Scooby Dooby Doo

Where are you?

We’ve got some work to do now...

The Littlest Justice

As the history of our republic unfolds, our judicial branch continues to produce generations of scholars who cloak the profession in vests of honor: John Marshall…Benjamin Cardoza…Learned Hand. These juristic giants are, however, microscopic in comparison to the man who stood a mere 8 inches tall. A man whose hypnotically poetic name hints at an intelligence so vast it could only be understood in German: the little known, Cormorant Chewink Crane.

Cormorant Chewink Crane’s meteoritic rise to our nation’s highest court began on Christmas in 1907. On that auspicious day, Crane witnesses his grandfather, a Yale-educated sugar baron, slip into a fatal coma while roasting acorns and playing his Jew’s Harp. The elder Crane had finally succumbed to rabies, a disease unwittingly contracted when the family’s pet Hungarian Partridge pecked its way through a sugarcane pen and, confused and emboldened by the rapid influx of sucrose, attacked the elderly Crane’s ear, mistaking it for a scarlet berry. The untimely death was catalytic: Cormorant swore to his comatose grandfather that he would immediately quit his job as a cigar-store Indian and become a respect jurist.

True to his word, Cormorant Crane completed a lengthy legal apprenticeship in 1908 and went to work as a prosecutor in New York City. Within a year, a fortuitous event brought Crane to the attention of then-President Theodore Roosevelt. In 1909, while hiking through a forest in New Guinea, Roosevelt was savagely ambushed by a flock of Shamrock Macaws. Recognizing the opportunity, Crane extradited the flock to America for prosecution. Although unable to pin charges of racketeering or attempted murder, Crane was successful with charges of tax evasion and the birds were sent to Alcatraz. By summer’s end, Crane had been appointed to the federal bench.

Steadily, Crane gained confidence in his ability to disguise tenuous ideological assertions as opinions grounded in law. His burgeoning skill was never more apparent than in his clever handling of a hybrid trust in the landmark decision, Gibbons v. Goblin. In Goblin, Gibbles Gooble, a zookeeper suffering from lycanthropy, declared a trust giving one of the zoo’s gibbon’s legal title and broad discretionary powers to hold a bag of crackers in trust for the Goblins, a family of plumhead parakeets. The case reached Crane’s court when Gables Goblin, one of the parakeets, filed a motion to terminate the trust and thereby prematurely reach the delicious salty crackers. Gibbon argued that because Gibbles gave Gibbon broad discretionary powers over the Goblins trust, the trust implicitly indicated it was Gooble’s material purpose not to terminate the trust. Dissecting the issues with his scholarly scalpel, Crane concluded that the power to sell crackers did not signal a protective intention on the part of the zookeeper to prevent the parakeets from terminating the cracker trust. On appeal, Goblin was upheld. Impressed with Crane’s mastery of trust law, Herbert Hoover nominated him for a recently vacated seat on the U.S Supreme Court.

Basking in the glory of his prestigious nomination, Crane returned to his hometown to receive a plaque memorializing his accomplishments. No one, however, could have anticipated the tragedy that would soon unfold. As the festivities were winding down, an opposition member of the Senate Confirmation Committee handed Crane a red helium balloon. Too light to prevent it from lifting him off the earth’s surface, Crane gracefully floated into the stratosphere, waving to the crowd as he ascended. He was never seen again.

For the past 50 years, sailors traveling the Atlantic have reported seeing a small man floating across the horizon. Some claim he visits their anchored ships while they sleep, resolving their unconscious conflicts. Although such tales are of dubious authenticity, Crane’s spirit undoubtedly lives on. That spirit continues to inspire generations of law students who have come to recognize that, within each of us—particularly lawyers—there is little justice. Let us never forget Cormorant Chewink Crane: the littlest Justice.

~Goldmind

Dog Dominion Threatened

For centuries the conflict has raged. Even in peaceful interludes, there remains a subtle undercurrent of social unrest and political upheaval. Thanks to the recently established Miao Lin Temple and Martial Arts Training Facility, the balance of power in the age-old conflict between cats and dogs may at last have shifted.

In an exclusive interview, Defense Secretary Cuddles stated: “Yes, it may be true that we finally have the edge. The canines have always been bigger. They have always been able to generate more explosive bowel movements. But their days are numbered. Why? Winged dragon drool kick chop chop. It's a clandestine technique so powerful; so utterly lethal; that focus group lab rats have chewed off their own faces rather than endure it. This technique is so fast and so deadly, we are able to actually kick the snot out of dogs and that is proving to be the decisive in the war between our species."

To preempt potential political retribution, Coco Smoke, spokescat for the Feline Party, released a statement announcing that cats have recently made great strides in their receipt of human attention, love, and approval. "Favorite pet" numbers, though still favoring canines, presently tally as follows:

Owner prefers following type pet:

Dog............... 48% (down 7% from prior fiscal tax year)
Cat.................43% (up 28%)
Hamster.........5.6%
Bird................4.4%
Pygmy Marmoset......... -1%
Other...........naught

~numbsain, Goldmind

Today's Newsroom

Officers have apprehended a possible suspect in a case where eyewitnesses say there were no reports of any incidents occurring at the scene of the alleged crime. The Department has the area under investigation, though forensics reports show evidence in connection to this case to be inconclusive and unsubstantiated. The suspect is being watched by investigators who are being placed under close surveillance by an intelligence task force. That concludes our top story.

Now back to our studio for the weather.

This week saw record breaking mids with winds gusting up to expected levels in the low pressure areas just off the inland coast. Highs in the upper mids with lows in the upper highs. Barometer should hold steady ranging in the high Sierras. Skies are expected partly mostly through the week with a chance of maybe clearing through Friday. If we're lucky we might see what looks like a possibility throughout the later part of tomorrow.

In Sports today the local favorites played their final game in a series that turned into a cliff hanger but rallied to comeback for a finale in the final moments. Moments that culminated in a long awaited tie breaker after a losing streak that marked their first win of the season. Our correspondent was at the stadium to bring you a live interview with the man who put it all together and here’s that report now: “So coach, what happened?” “Well we came here to do a job and that's what we did. We’re pretty confident whatever the outcome, it’s gonna come down to who does what when the time comes to show who we’re made of. That’s what we intend to do. So we’re just hoping that that’s what it ends up to be: the conclusion of whatever happens here today.”

“Thanks for filling us in on that, now back to you.”

Alright, thanks for that informative inside look. On a humorous note, there was some confusion in a certain area this morning when a group of organizers formed a committee to convene at a designated location to determine the intentions of an organization of committee members who formed a group to organize its members at the location where the committee convenes. Neither committee wanting to disclose their intentions to the other, both decided to reconvene at a later time as of yet undetermined.

Well, that's all the time today we have for tonight but be sure and join us tomorrow for next time when we’ll have that story for you. From everyone here at the team staff, I’m anchormanhost reporting live from our studio saying thanks for watching and have a pleasant all the time, every time. Brought to you by the makers of our sponsor.

~Numbsain

News of the Very Strange

In September 2007, the owner of a restaurant on the corner of Main and Highland in Denver reported to police that a homeless man slumped in his chair in the non-smoking section of the eatery had not moved in three days and was beginning to smell. Police who arrived on the scene made a grisly discovery. It wasn’t a homeless man after all. Several stray dogs had disguised themselves as a human in an effort to obtain a meal at the restaurant. Unable to pay when presented with the bill, the canines panicked and, according to a local coroner’s report, were crushed when they attempted to flee the disguise.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On his way to deliver a kitten to a homeless shelter, Tiny Tim Williams, a six year Cub Scout from Athens, Georgia, was brutally run down by a Harley Davidson traveling at a speed in excess of 100 mph. Pete “Pills” Powers, the driver of the motorcycle, was arrested at his Llama ranch in Farmington, where he was hiding behind a trough, and taken into police custody.

Mr. Powers, a member of the Farmington Communist Party, had previously been arrested for driving a high-performance motorcycle on the roof of the Georgia state capital and attempting to extract gold flakes from the dome with his Swiss army knife. A search of Pills’ bike revealed empty containers of Jack Daniels and Robitussin, and a weathered Jack Kerouac novel. Mr. Kerouac was unavailable for comment.

Rob Childers, the Attorney for Mr. Powers, was quoted as saying “that child should be punished for his wanton decision to cross that quiet street to get to the shelter. How else can we deter children from jaywalking? Besides, his conscious decision to take those steps supersedes my client’s negligence. That boy, precious as he was, was 2% contributorily negligent and therefore not entitled to a red cent!”

~Goldmind