IT'S A TOUGH JOB BUT SOMEBODY’S GOTTA SCREW IT UP



Good Afternoon sir can I get a drink started for you.

Uh, yeah...I’ll have a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino

VENTI CAR’MEL LOW FLAT NO LIP CRAPPUCINO!

No, that’s a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino.

Yeah I know, VERY HARMFUL LOW FLAT NO CRAP LIPPUCINO! Next guest in line!

I’d like a tall soy car’mel macchiatto.

SALT TOY MARBLE SACCHIATTO! Next visitor in line please!

Wait, that wasn’t right I wanted a—

NEXT VISITOR!

It’s my turn pal! Yeah, gimme like a venti iced blended maple frappuccino

VINTAGE ICE DENTED MENTAL AL PACINO and your name sir?

Hey I didn’t order that, you said ‘vintage ice—

FOR VINNIE!

Nuh-uh my name ain’t Vinnie, It’s Paul!

MAKE THAT A TALL!

No, look mack I oughta fatten your lip
AND VINNIE ALSO WANTS A NO LOOK MACCHIATTO, LOW FAT NO WHIP!

Forget this place! C’mon Carmella!

Next family member!

Hi! I’d like a venti iced mocha frappuccino with light whip, and my name is Wanda.

WENDY DICED OKRA CLAPPUCCINO WITH NICE TITS AND WHY BLAME UGANDA

Next contestant in line!

Just a tall soy mocha frappuccino with no whip.

TOLSTOY VOCAL PALOMINO WITH GOAT LIPS! Next sacrificial virgin in line.

I’ll have a tall low fat blended acåi sorbetto.

HOLOGRAPH RENDERED SPY GUIPETTO! Next prisoner!

Yeah hey, howzit goin’ dude. (Listen dude, I gotta call you back I gotta figure out what I’m gonna order... Yeah, I love you too, dude... uh-huh, take care now bro, bye-bye)
Sorry about that dude. I was talkin on...

We know, there’s a line of people behind you.

Woah! Yer right, okay, what do I want... hmm... what do you recommend?

A black eye, two shots of espresso in a cup of drip coffee.

Awesome! gimme a black eye.

KAPOW! (flubump)

Next victim!

Hi, I’ll get the pumpkin spice low fat muffin and a tall decaffienated with a dollop of foam.

HEY AL, GET THIS PUNK A NICE BIG FAT NOTHIN‘ AND CALL ME A CAB, IT‘S LATE AND I GOTTA GO HOME!

I FALL TO PIECES

Breaking up is never easy, but if you’re single,
it can really hurt like a sumbitch. Last year I
came apart at the seams and let me tell you...

It all started when bleh bleh bleh

First, my ears felt they needed more space
between them. Then my eyes started drifting apart
and I was seeing somebody on the side. My nose
was always roamin' and my hair was becoming
scarce. I just couldn’t get my head together.

I felt I was being led around by my genitalia
which is a part of myself I've always been very attached to
and oh, the fun we had together. But I didn’t like that
it was always getting me into a lot of trouble.
So I just had to break it off.



My left hand never knew what my right hand was
doing which really made applauding difficult at times.
My feminine side sued my masculine side for
sexual harassment. but the big split came when
my legs went their separate ways.

I’d been together for a long time but eventually
I just said; It’s best if I go my way and I’ll go mine.
Immediately, I started trying to pick up the pieces
but I was lost and had to find myself first.

And I found on the road; a head, a friend, to whom
I was partial, had my back, another lent me a hand
and these friends helped me get back on my feet
and obviously, I could never leave that behind.



In time, I got my mind and body together but still,
my heart wasn’t in it. I had no stomach for it either.
It seemed a part of me had been lost but what part?
I felt incomplete and it’s really been bothering me.
I don’t know why completion is so important to me.
I guess it’s just my thing... Hey! That’s it!

by Numbsain & Sons Co. ...purveyors of prosthetics,
“For when the real thing has been hacked off.”

25 Worst Cat Names

Concocted/assembled by Cheddar, Goldmind, Guinness & numbsain

25. Fruitpoot
24. Clawed
23. Sphinxter
22. Puss n' Butts
21. Lap Pussy
20. Long Duc Dong
19. Pissy
18. Fido
17. Sandshit
16. Joe Pastafazooka
15. Shitty Shat
14. Tubesteak
13. Itchypussy
12. Violinnards
11. Purr snatcher
10. Furburger
9. The Turdinator
8. Meouch
7. Fartbubbles
6. Vaginym
5. Queef
4. Napkin
3. Osama Bin lickin'
2. Dump Clump
1. Seoul Food

It should be noted that these names are, in actuality, names that humans have given cats and not names by which cats denote themselves. Some believe that the phonetic sounds produced by a cats vocal apparatus such as "Marl," "Marlo" or "Mew" (which would be short for "Bartholomew")are the cats name choices but this is a myth. These words actually mean: "Feed me" "Clean out my box" or "Excuse me, my tail seems to be pinned underneath you rocking chair leg. Could you please remove it at once?" these words and meanings are interchangable. In truth, cats have very unique and specific names and following is a list of all the known cat names:

Prencmukle
Verinccenzi
Guillumontague
Asperacticus
Feelschmelp
Schutzky
Bullmifer
Prudence
Fagafagamoomoo
Inscrepchima
Bowelfritter

All cats alive today in the modern world go by one of these names. (Not listed in alphabetical order because cats do not recognize any alphabet as we know it.) Interestingly, these names, although widely varying at first appearance, to the cat, are all pronounced "Meow" with extremely subtle differences which are undetectable to the human ear.

A Delicious Cat Recipe
This yummy dish is perfect for a light lunch when you have 14 five year olds over on the false premise of a birthday party. Don't tell the little bedwetters they've eaten cat until they've already gobbled it all down. Warning: This dish may cause diarrhea if served with a tall glass of embalming fluid.

1 Can—Cat Spam®
3 tbsps—Pure Cat Extract
1 Medium sized Cat (with fur)
12 dashes—Cat Zest
1/2 tsp—Knorrs Cat Seasoning
5 large—Russet Potatos
1/8 cup—Whole Watermelon
4 pcs—Crumbly Kitchen Sponge
2 1/2 tsps—Motor Oil
1 Whole Tuna Fish Vagina

Combine the Silly putty, Bamboo shoots and Aspirin in a medium sauce pan and fling out window. Sift together Cat Spam®, Sponge and Tuna Fish Vagina in large mixing bowl and set aside. Throw the potatos at the first buck-toothed lesbian you see (do not hurt or injure lesbian in any way. Lesbians are an important part of the ecosystem and should be treated with care). Mash the Cat until stiff peaks form and preheat oven to 13 degrees. Arrange the remaining ingredients decoratively in an Iron walrus embryo shaped skillet (If you don't have one shaped like a walrus embryo, forget the whole thing let all the ingredients run free in a sparsley populated area). Next eat the Cat Zest right out of the tube and serve at once. Serves 8 fat pigs or 400 older midgets who have stapled stomachs.

This space reserved as a memorial for our beloved deceased cat Limpy who was accidentally killed when he was run over by 43 cars on the freeway. (it may have been more but after 43 we stopped watching) We love you Limpy! Rest in Pieces!
•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY LIMPY
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
It should also be noted that in cultures that accept the use of cat in the diet, there are other names given the cat and they are as follows:

Cat au Gratin
Cat with Rice
Sauteed Cat with Mixed Vegetables
Cheesy Cats n' Macaroni
Paté de Cat
Cat Loaf
Kittens in Blankets
Cat Stroganoff
Kitty Stew
Chat de la Gorgonzeaux, Encrusted with Blue Cheese and Peppercorns
Stuffed Cat
Spaghetti and Cat Sauce
Pussy Alfredo
Cat Carbonaro
Peanut Butter and Cat Sandwich
Kitten Milk
Fresh Seasoned Cat Chunks over a garlic rice pilaf
Catatouie
Raw Cat Hand Roll
Broiled Cats
Enchiladas Del Gato

Usually, these dishes are enjoyed with a hearty Merlot or a Dry Sherry. However if the cat is to be enjoyed as a cocktail, we recommend the following:

Cat Drinks:

Dry Cat Martini
Cat Gimlet
Shirley Tabby
Cat, Straight Up (no more than three recommended if driving)


Lastly, are the names given to cats in response to aberrant behavior. They are:

STUPID CAT!
DUMB JERK CAT!
DAMNED CAT!
GROSS, STINKY CAT!
DISGUSTING CAT!

We hope you have enjoyed this updated information and if any new developments in cat nomenclature arise, we will update again.

Glossary of Cat Definitions

Sable-Toothed Tiger—A species of prehistoric cat whose diet consisted of only russian squirrels
Tony-the Tiger—A mythological big cat who touted the GRRRrrreatness of corn and sugar in the diet
Catapult—A Medieval weapon used to hurl felines at the enemy with great force
Catastrophe—Any truly bad situation that can be blamed on the presence of a cat or cats.
Catamaran—A seafaring vessel used in the transportation of cats
Cataclysm—A major disturbance in the world that some damn cat caused
Catalack—A large luxury sedan owned by fat cats.
Aristocats—A disgusting cat joke often told to showcase a humorists tolerance for vulgarity

Cat Movie Reviews:
The Man Who Loved Cat Dancing
a delightful if heartwrenching saga of an American man who falls in love with a Native American girl named Cat Dancing. But there love is ill fated as he becomes obsessed with being a contestant on The Gong Show. His act consists of torturing helpless felines into “dancing,” but it's more like twitching and spasming due to electrical shocks he gives the tabby's with surgically implanted devices. Strong language, weak storyline, harsh meowing, full frontal cat nudity, the sex is violent so it's okay for the kiddies to watch.

Lady Shady Hosts a Seance

by Goldmind

[Lady Shady is conducting a seance and is attempting to call upon a spirit]

I feel a presence... The spirit is here... Spirit, are you here?

(the spirit answers) "I am here."

In this room?

"In this room."

Near the table?

"Near the table."

Echo?...

"Huh?"

Nevermind....Oh, spirit, what is thy name?

"Bob"

Bob?

"That's what I said."

Do you have a last name oh Bob?

"No - my mom didn't think me worthy - Of COURSE I have a last name. Doesn't everyone?"

What is your last name?

"What difference does it make? Why do you need it?"

It's okay if you don't want to disclose your last name.

"I have no problem telling you my last name. It's Smith."

Where are you oh Bob Smith?

"Bob's fine, and I already told you, I'm right next to you, sitting down on a couch, watching a football game."

Can you tell us whe...did you just say you were watching a football game?

"Yeah. It's almost the 4th quarter; maybe we could pick things up a bit."

You can watch TV?

"Of course I can watch TV. It's a free country ain't it? There's no law against it."

Spirit Bob, where are you from?

"Oh fleshy human, I'm from Georgia."

Are you in Georgia now?

"Are you a retard? I told you I was in the room with you all. Are YOU in Georgia? No. We're all in California, right?"

Why are you in California?

"Why are you in California? I always thought the land was overpriced."

Well... how is it that you came to be here?

"How the hell should I know? I'm not a rocket scientist."

Can you tell us about the future Bob?

"If I could tell you about the future, you think I'd be watching this game? Maybe you shoulda called Nostradumass."

We...we wish to understand something about you...who you are...or who you were.

"I WAS Bob Smith. I AM Bob Smith, still. I like football, especially the dawgs. They have a great freshman running back this year. And they have this quarterba... hey, hold up a sec...that's my other line. Hey...I gotta take this. Are we done?"

We thank you oh wise spirit Bob Smith. And we bid thee peace on thy journey towards union with the All-That-Is and we therefore close this circle of white light and divine inspiration with the banishing of the lesser pentagram.

"Okey dokey then... whatever you sa-TOUCHDOWN!!!"

Goldmind Visits Lady Shady: The ADHD Fortune Teller

by Goldmind

Lady Shady, what do you see?

I see mist…fog…

Why is it foggy?

You’re leaning too close to the crystal ball. It’s condensation from your breath.

Oh, sorry. (leans back) Do you see anything now?

Yes…a car…riding down a highway.

A car riding down a highway?

Yes.

What kind of car?

A 1985 Buick Skylark Sedan with velour upholstery, front wheel drive, and a V6 engine.

Oh. Uh, what is it doing? What’s this about? I mean, what’s the significance of this?

This car once passed you.

Passed me? The car just once passed me? Does this mean anything?

No.

What else do you see?

I see… wait!….I see…you. Yes, you…shopping. You are shopping at a store.

Does this take place in the future?

Yes.

What store is it?

Walmart.

What am I doing?

You’re buying lightbulbs.

Why am I buying lightbulbs?

A lightbulb burned out at your house…you were out of spare lightbulbs. You went to Walmart to buy lightbulbs…Wait! Wait! There’s something else...

What?!!

You’re stopping…on your way to the cash register.

Why am I stopping?

You….you…. you’re picking up a soda. A Coca Cola…a Diet Coke. You’re putting a Diet Coke in a basket.

…. Look, maybe you could just tell me something about…you know…my future. Something where I’m not shopping or being passed by a car. Something I’d want to know now that might happen in the future?

I understand. One moment…one moment please… I’m getting something…it’s dark. It’s very dark.

Why is it dark?

It’s night.

Can you see anything?

No.

Well…can you hear anything?

Yes. I hear…crickets…and traffic in the distance.

Where am I?

In California.

I live in California.

You’re in California still. It’s night. You’re in California at nighttime.

Well, what part of California?

I cannot tell. It is too dark.

…is there ANYTHING you can tell me about the future that might be useful?

I see a struggle.

Between who?

You and me.

What? Why?

You didn't go to the ATM and you haven't got the cash to pay me.

What happens?

I take credit cards.

~Goldmind

The Littlest Justice

As the history of our republic unfolds, our judicial branch continues to produce generations of scholars who cloak the profession in vests of honor: John Marshall…Benjamin Cardoza…Learned Hand. These juristic giants are, however, microscopic in comparison to the man who stood a mere 8 inches tall. A man whose hypnotically poetic name hints at an intelligence so vast it could only be understood in German: the little known, Cormorant Chewink Crane.

Cormorant Chewink Crane’s meteoritic rise to our nation’s highest court began on Christmas in 1907. On that auspicious day, Crane witnesses his grandfather, a Yale-educated sugar baron, slip into a fatal coma while roasting acorns and playing his Jew’s Harp. The elder Crane had finally succumbed to rabies, a disease unwittingly contracted when the family’s pet Hungarian Partridge pecked its way through a sugarcane pen and, confused and emboldened by the rapid influx of sucrose, attacked the elderly Crane’s ear, mistaking it for a scarlet berry. The untimely death was catalytic: Cormorant swore to his comatose grandfather that he would immediately quit his job as a cigar-store Indian and become a respect jurist.

True to his word, Cormorant Crane completed a lengthy legal apprenticeship in 1908 and went to work as a prosecutor in New York City. Within a year, a fortuitous event brought Crane to the attention of then-President Theodore Roosevelt. In 1909, while hiking through a forest in New Guinea, Roosevelt was savagely ambushed by a flock of Shamrock Macaws. Recognizing the opportunity, Crane extradited the flock to America for prosecution. Although unable to pin charges of racketeering or attempted murder, Crane was successful with charges of tax evasion and the birds were sent to Alcatraz. By summer’s end, Crane had been appointed to the federal bench.

Steadily, Crane gained confidence in his ability to disguise tenuous ideological assertions as opinions grounded in law. His burgeoning skill was never more apparent than in his clever handling of a hybrid trust in the landmark decision, Gibbons v. Goblin. In Goblin, Gibbles Gooble, a zookeeper suffering from lycanthropy, declared a trust giving one of the zoo’s gibbon’s legal title and broad discretionary powers to hold a bag of crackers in trust for the Goblins, a family of plumhead parakeets. The case reached Crane’s court when Gables Goblin, one of the parakeets, filed a motion to terminate the trust and thereby prematurely reach the delicious salty crackers. Gibbon argued that because Gibbles gave Gibbon broad discretionary powers over the Goblins trust, the trust implicitly indicated it was Gooble’s material purpose not to terminate the trust. Dissecting the issues with his scholarly scalpel, Crane concluded that the power to sell crackers did not signal a protective intention on the part of the zookeeper to prevent the parakeets from terminating the cracker trust. On appeal, Goblin was upheld. Impressed with Crane’s mastery of trust law, Herbert Hoover nominated him for a recently vacated seat on the U.S Supreme Court.

Basking in the glory of his prestigious nomination, Crane returned to his hometown to receive a plaque memorializing his accomplishments. No one, however, could have anticipated the tragedy that would soon unfold. As the festivities were winding down, an opposition member of the Senate Confirmation Committee handed Crane a red helium balloon. Too light to prevent it from lifting him off the earth’s surface, Crane gracefully floated into the stratosphere, waving to the crowd as he ascended. He was never seen again.

For the past 50 years, sailors traveling the Atlantic have reported seeing a small man floating across the horizon. Some claim he visits their anchored ships while they sleep, resolving their unconscious conflicts. Although such tales are of dubious authenticity, Crane’s spirit undoubtedly lives on. That spirit continues to inspire generations of law students who have come to recognize that, within each of us—particularly lawyers—there is little justice. Let us never forget Cormorant Chewink Crane: the littlest Justice.

~Goldmind

Dr. Seuss' Secret Unpublished Literary Archives: Blue Procciutto—& other Seussishness

This is Poot.
This is Bluto.

Poot and Bluto
live on Pluto.

One day Bluto said "Atchoo!"
Something Plutons rarely do.
And so when he did, Poot knew;
Bluto caught the Pluto flu.

"I know what will help you Bluto."
"What?" asked Bluto. "Something new!"
"What?" asked Bluto. "Blue Procciutto!"
Poot said: "That's the cure for you."

"Blue Procciutto? Are you sure?
Blue Procciutto? That's the cure?"
"Sure, my Blue Procciutto cures
the flu 'cause my Procciutto's pure."

"That can't be! That can't be true!
Procciutto can't cure Pluto flu.
In my case it's quite acute.
It can't BE cured, Dr. Poot!"

"This Proccuito, blue and pure,
cures the flu—that's what its for.
If you have the Pluto flu,
Blue Procciutto's good for you!"

"Blue Procciutto's not for flu so
Blue Procciutto's not for Bluto!
it won't cure my flu from Pluto,
I don't want your Blue Procciutto!

Flu is cured by rest in bed,
That is what i'll do instead.
If I eat your Blue Procciutto,
Surely I will wind up dead!"

"Try my Blue Procciutto Bluto!
It will cure you, this I do know!
Blue Procciutto clears the head!
Even more than Pseudofed!

Even better than Menudo!
It will get you out of bed!
You'll be cured in just one day!"
"ALLRIGHT I'LL DO AS YOU SAY!!!"

"Blue Procciutto makes me mad,
But you know it's not half bad!
I should not have been so hasty,
Blue Procciutto's rather tasty!"

"I must say i'm feeling great!
Why then did you hesitate?
Next time tell me sooner, will you?
"Bluto, I might have to kill you!"

And so if you live on Pluto,
and you catch the Pluto flu,
you should eat some Blue Procciutto;
Bluto did and so should you!

by Dr. Numbseuss


Note: although these stories rhyme, they're not meant for story time. Just because they're cute and witty, doesn't mean there good for kiddies. Though they sound like kids would love it, parents should think better of it.Read them once they've gone to bed, Goldmind thought that should be said.

Dr. Seussie’s alphabet
by Guinness

Big A little a, what begins with A? Ashes, Auschwitz, Adolph’s ass in hell, hooray.

Big B, little b, bad bodacious Beth, bouncing boobs behinds and Bob’s bad booze breath.

Big C, little c, what begins with C? Crazy cousins chewing cow’s cud C….c…..c.

Big D, little d, Dandy Dinmont Dog, dumping drops of dung in the dam den, Don’t!

ABCDE..e…e.. eczema, edema, and an epileptic eel

Big F, little f, F f F, effin flick a finger for an F you, Jeff!

ABCDEFG, Grandma’s goatee’s grown, gotta get a new Gillette

Big H, little h, Hairy horny Herrs humping Hank in Heidelberg, Hagen and Hamburg

Big I, little I, I…I…I… Icepack on an itchy implant, I, I, I!

Big J, little j, jaundiced jowly jerk, joking jarheads jumping from a jam-packed Jeep

Big K, little k karaoke Keith, Kelly hides her keloid neath a keen kerchief.

Big L, little l, lumpy lazy louts loiter by the liquor store, lisping lend a lot

Big M, little m, what begins with m? Moping midgets mashing melons, much mango mayhem.

Big N, little n, N n N, Numbsain nunchucks noisy neighbors necking near a Nen.

Big O, little o, what begins with O? Ouchy Oh-filled orgasms and Oprah’s bowl of oats.

Big P, little p, pecker packing Pat, poking Penny’s pinafore, now that’s pretty phat

Big Q, little q, what begins with q? Quivering quiffs quaff quinine in a quiet, quaint queue

Big R, little r, what begins with r? rickets ridden rednecks running round radar,

Big S little s, silly sappy Steve, stuck some stolen scissors up his short shirt sleeve.

Big T little t, T t T, telepathic tomboy talks to his T.V.

Big U, little u, uncle’s umpteenth ugh, ulcerous and useless, just an utter ugly thug.

Big V little v, what begins with V? Velma’s vestment’s very vulgar, vouldn’t you agree?

Big W, little w, Willie’s wilting wank, winking Willa’s wishing Willie’s wank would whip her flank.

Big X, little x, Xpired Xcuse, mixing moxie foxes puts your Ex to use

Big Y, little y, Yorkies yip and yap, yawning yokels, yearning yuppies yell yackety -yack

ABCDEFG HIJKLMNOP QRS TUV W X Y and Z

Big Z, little z, what begins with Z? Zappa’s zipper, zany zig zag, zither and zombie.

Now you know your abc’s, say them often, won’t you please

Tell your mom, your daddy too, abc’s are good for you.


ZACK

by numbsain

This is Zack.
Zack talks smack.
Zack talks smack to Sergeant Glack.
Zack gets flack for talkin smack.
Glack say’s “Hands behind your back!”
Zack gets cuffed for talking smack.
Zack tells Glack “Get off my back!”
Zack thinks it’s because he’s black.

Zack gets flack.
Flack from Glack.
But it's not because he’s black,
Zack gets flack cause he’s on crack.

Crack is what makes Zack talk smack,
Crack is why Glack’s on Zack’s back,
Crack is why zack ain’t got jack,
and why his home’s a run down shack,
and why he lives across the track,
No Zack, no! not cause you’re black,
it’s cause you won’t stop smokin crack!

Zack’s shack is whack, he ain’t got jack,
but still Zack always tries to mack.
Landlady say’s Zack has to pack,
his rent is due from three months back.

Zack tries to mack, his mack is whack.
Zack’s checkin’ out landlady’s rack.
Zack tells her he’ll pay in the sack.
Landlady say’s “Are you on crack?”

“You will not get me in the sack,
you will not get me on my back.
You will not in a cheap hotel,
or on a snowy day in hell.
I won’t let you see my vagina,
no, not for all the tea in china.
I do not even like you, Zack
so take a hike and don’t come back!

Now that Zack’s a homeless bum,
he started feeling pretty dumb.
His race is not why life’s unfair,
we all have got a cross to bear.
The question now is simply whether,
Zack will get his head together.
Stop feeling so under attack
and most of all stop smoking crack.
Instead of feeling like a victim,
heed critiques don’t contradict ‘em.