Rulers of the Universe
Relative Destructiveness of Evil Rulers Chart
Shows comparison between most evil rulers in universe and our evil ruler.
You probably thought Gee Double-Ewe B*sh was going to be at the top of the list, but we’ve got some rulers here that make pinhead, limp-Dick and the whole illumi-naughty gang look like a bunch of two-bit, piss-uncle, penny-aunty, limp-wit, rinky-dink, stick wavers puffing up their hairless chests like school yard bullies. Make no mistake, these misanthropes are plenty evil enough to kill us all, but in terms of the whole universe? ...Sheeit.
#9. Almighty Dominator,
Axmurdoor Squeltch,
The mansquasher of Volumnox 12
His massive appendages are capable of crushing whole colonies of indigenous inhabitants of the planet Volumnox 12, with one devastating blow. And he’s got twelve of them, so we’re talking a lot of destruction here. He's also a butt-ugly sucker but that's no excuse.
#8. Exlaxothon Bllaargh,
Ingestor of Xykron, Defecator of Norkyx
Known to enemies as “The Consuminator” His massive gaping maw has a 12,000 ton capacity and his voracious consumption of all matter on his home planet will render his entire world shit within 10 to 12 years. He must then seek another world to ingest and Earth is the closest in range.
#7. Master of Cereblitese,
DeChevron Supreme (with Tekron)
Unbeknownst to the leaders of our world, he once considered consuming every drop of crude oil on Earth but Tekron talked him out of it because it would have been “Just enough to make him mad” and moved on to larger planets, thus saving the Earth from evolving into a perfect utopian society with no one resource that could be hoarded by evil forces and used to dominate all other inhabitants.
#6. Photosynthesizer,
Phytonomo Blooom,
Dictator and Tormenter of Vegetalis 5
This botanicorporeal life form has engulfed ninety percent of this massive green planet in its first 2 years of its existence. This garden salad of destruction threatens to destroy the known universe by flooding the emptiness of space with oxygen within his expected life span. This would cause the entire universe to become one huge firestorm destroying everything forever.
#5. Bogswich Clobbersmewkel Melcor-Phlarrynx
A Free agent terrorist who operates alone with no affiliate factions, yet manages to wreak havoc upon whole quadrants of space without ever being detected. His McGyver-like tactics are so cleverly thought out that, even as a solo act, he poses a real threat to the universe and our whole way of life, even as we speak.
#4. Cataclismycist, Garglax,
The Disruptive Abomination of Zenohelk
Probably the biggest asshole in the universe, this intergalactic bastard fouls up whole sectors of space just for sport, just for the hell of it, just because he damn well feels like it. “Oh Gee I think I’ll go incinerate 2 billion square light years of heavily populated space today.” Like it’s nothing. What an obnoxious little phlegm-ball.
#3. Intimidator General,
Splattermucous, Pukestupid,
Master Bumbling Fool and
Supreme Simpleton of Sector Seven
So utterly stupid is this so-called ruler, that he somehow gets himself wedged into a perfectly peaceful star-system and tramples everything in sight until whole civilizations are brought to their knees and have to comply with his unimaginably insipid demands. For example: He forced the Gentilectuals of Sedatoria to pureé all their women so he could guzzle them like a smoothie. Of course, they’re extinct now. Pukestupid uses the same principles of rulership as Bush, but on a much larger scale.
#2. Electrical-Torture King
Zapcrotch Chasmgrave
A morbidly sadistic ruler who takes pleasure in slowly chipping away at his victims in the most painfully drawn out and excruciatingly sadistic manner imaginable. There isn’t a soul in his sector of space that wouldn’t give his left testicle to see this scumsucker get a taste of his own medicine. Worlds cringe at the very thought of his evil-doing and if he ever decides to attack earth...Oh my god! Forget it. To be dead meat would be a blessing.
#1. Skeletruncheon Vääst
“the Galaxy Snacker”
Mindcrusher, Fearlord of Gargantua
So feared is this interstellar malevolence that no life form has ever come within ten thousand light years of his domain and had a relative, or even casual acquaintance, live to tell about it. Entire galaxies get caught in his teeth after he eats and the only reason the human race still exists is because we wouldn’t even be a threat to one of his eyelash mites!
Numbsain, Inc....where ever peculiar people copulate
