Top Ten Excuses for Premature Ejaculation
- The FBI Covert Operations Unit trained us to “get in, do the job, and get out fast.”
- Well, If you want dinner, all the good places are going to close soon, so I deliberately made the conscious decision to hurry up.
- Oh, you just forgot to set the clock forward for daylight savings time. Hey, sixty-one minutes! not too shabby eh?.
- Sorry, I..I can’t...I was just thinking about my dog, Sheppy. He died 3 years ago and I’m really not over it. Oh That? That’s just mayonaisse.
- Hey, I won fair and square. Don’t be a sore loser.
- It’s hereditary, my mom used to have the same problem.
- I was faking—Ooh! My meter’s gonna run out! Be right back...in about an hour.
- Stop complaining. In some cultures, four seconds is considered very respectable.
- Shazam!.
- Well, I started two hours ago. You should have been here babe, it was truly amazing.
Top Ten Excuses for Erectile Dysfunction
- Sorry, when you said “take me now!” it reminded me of my grandmother who's always trying to get us to drive her to Disneyworld.
- Funny, I didn’t have any problem with the last four chicks I satisfied this afternoon.
- Damn, I just had this thing serviced too. I’m never going to the Pep Boys again.
- Yeah but check this out. Ever see such a gorgeous scrotum before?
- This happens every full moon...Listen! Do you hear the wolves?
- No, it’s working fine. Sorry, you’re just not registering on the Babe-o-meter.
- Now what do you want me to do, think or get a hard-on? I don't have enough blood for both.
- Gimme that! You’re not doing it right.
- Would you look at this; somebody replaced my Viagra with salt peter!
- YOU KILLED IT! Get out, you...you...penis killer!
Top Ten Excuses for Not Being a Virgin
- Look, I have seven brothers, what do you want from me.
- It happened in Sex Ed class, it’s a very progressive school
- Huh? Really? So it wasn’t a dream!
- I said you were my first human.
- I didn’t think kindergarten counted.
- Are you sure? Damn, that means my premiums gonna go up.
- Well, I’m using “The Club” now so there shouldn’t be any more problems.
- C’mon dad. All the kids are doing it.
- How would you know? Aha! Not so squeaky clean yourself are ya?
- Look, I was on safari and I was captured by savages. It was either that or be sacrificed.
Top Ten Excuses for Infidelity
- It happened at work, honey. I had to do it to keep my job, don’t you care about that? All the top female exec’s got there by sleeping with José in the mail room.
- Honey! She was just showing me the position she caught her husband in.
- Jeezus, they took the CD player, my briefcase, the change out of the ashtray. Who cares if they left a pair of panties under the seat?
- He was working under the sink and I complained about his plumber crack so he took his pants off, that’s all. Perfectly innocent.
- I’m not Ralph. He never told you about his identical twin brother? Hi, I’m Kyle and this is my girlfriend Sherry. You must be that gorgeous wife he's always raving about. Well, we have a plane to catch. Tell him we're sorry we didn't get to see him.
- He said he was an old friend of yours and you guys did this all the time. You’re telling me you don’t even know him?!
- I’ll explain everything, but first just help me with these roses I got you and you like diamonds right? That’s for you. Oh, and I bought you a new Audi Sports Coupe ‘cause I thought it might be fun and this is just a few grand I had left over, put that someplace safe. Okay, now what was that problem you mentioned?
- I was in Macy’s and the girl at the Revlon counter just started spraying me with perfume, then she starts drawing with lipstick on my collar and she must have stuffed that strand of blond hair into my shorts when I was distracted worrying about how you were gonna clean this shirt.
- Honey, after 30 years of marriage, I’ve had enough sex for my whole life. What would I want with some 22-year-old tart?
- What? Steve and I always watch the game in the nude. Huh? Hey, If you saw the pass Favre just threw, you’d have an erection too!
Top Ten Excuses for Mysteriously Getting Pregnant
- It’s a miracle! Honey, we’re the chosen ones!
- Okay I confess. While you were having a wet dream one night, I took the liberty of...
- Oh, it must have happened when that armored car coming from the sperm bank flipped over and there was a big spill. I happened to be walking by wearing a short skirt and I slipped in it.
- This baby makes me nauseous, He's making me gain weight, and he makes me not want to have sex ever again...Oh he's yours alright.
- I don’t know how this happened! I was so careful... What the... Pez? What the hell, happened to my birth control pills?!
- Okay I should have told you this before but, I am one quarter African American and it’s a dominant gene so that’s why our baby looks like Denzell Washington. But look honey, he has your penis! ...No, it won’t get bigger, silly.
- I knew I shouldn’t have worn your dirty underwear that time.
- When was the last time you had your vasectomy checked? Those things can go bad on you. You gotta watch ‘em.
- Yeah, well how do you know I’m the real mother?
- Okay Ralph, I can’t lie to you. It was your twin brother Kyle. He totally had me fooled.
By Numbsain Inc. “...smart people doing stupid things to make stupid people feel smart”
disclaimer: The excuses listed here, although sound and surefire, are not admissible as evidence in a court of law. Goldmind's Unwind accepts no responsibility for loss, damages, or personal injury suffered as a result of using these excuses.
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