Thursday, April 17, 2008

Goldmind's Unwind Merchandise
We're proud to announce a new line of products now available wherever products are sold!

Goldmind's Unwind Edition Ford Explorer!
Move over Eddie Bauer. We've taken this classic SUV and added our own finishing touches to its already elegant design. Our personalization of the Explorer consists of a single masterstroke; a large splotch of beige bird shit dropped directly onto the hood and oozing down the fender of the vehicle tells everyone you're a daring individualist who knows what he wants and is willing to pay a lot more for it than it's worth.

Goldmind's Unwind Urinating Lawn Jockeys
Every time an unwanted solicitor or Jehovah's Witness traverses your front lawn, the Goldmind's Unwind Urinating Lawn Jockey senses their presence and their intention and greets them with an accurately aimed stream of real urine right in the eye. They'll stink when they wink and next time, they'll think!

Goldmind's Unwind Disposable Family Heirlooms

When was the last time you cherished and kept a cherished keepsake? Why drag around a bunch of useless old crap that smells like grandma? With disposable family heirlooms you just show 'em, then throw 'em.

Goldmind's Unwind Reusable Snacks
Everyone knows snack foods have no nutritional value. So why keep buying them? What are you stupid? These revolutionary new chips won’t break when you scoop your favorite dip and tomorrow, you toss them in the dishwasher and they’re as good as they were the first time you used them. Non-toxic and lightly salted...wait a minute, you didn’t think I meant you swallow them and then reuse them did you?! Oh my god, that’s disgusting!

Goldmind's Unwind “Choking Hazard” Educational Toys
You teach them the do’s, why not teach them the dont’s? It's always better to learn the tough lessons early in life. Help natural selection along by leaving your child alone with these dangerously small delicious looking bite size toys that the intelligent kids, the ones that will support you in your dotage, will shy away from. But the dolts that will mooch off of you forever will be a thing of the past!

Goldmind's Unwind Jr. “Smell ‘n’ Say” Stench-O-Matic
Wouldn’t it be great if your children could tell you they’ve stepped in something before they track it into the car? Teach them the difference between ammonia and chloroform and get a break from them for a while. Or just have a few laughs watching them wrinkle their noses and puke up all that candy they ate. They’ll never say the dinner you slaved over smells like shit because they’ll know what shit smells like.

by numbsain...“When you go to the well this often, you're bound to fall in once in a while.”

This post was brought to you by...

Mo' Pro Promo Co....“Yo promo no go? So go mo pro bro”

Crappy Merchandise From Sweatshops Inc.

Mark's Marketing...a marked difference

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