Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Adventures of Tampax & Moron

Episode 5—“Light Beings have Needs Too”

Moron: Tampax? Is that you? What has happened to you?

Tampax: Yes it is me Moron, I grew weary of my existence as a light being. I have taken on a corporeal human form here in the 21st century.

M: But why Tampax, you are a highly advanced life form, a superior entity. Why would you choose to downgrade to a previous evolutionary state?

T: Because Moron, being advanced is not sexy. Evolution has made us boring and dull. We have lost touch with our most basic human qualities. Such as emotions and the ability to attract the opposite sex and procreate. We are so androgenous we can't even evoke pheremonal responses in each other. I wanted to experience sensuality, eroticism, love. You can not tell me you are not wildly desirous of me. You know you want me physically, Moron. Admit it.

M: Tampax, I am afraid you have made an egregious error. There is nothing desirable about the human form you have chosen. I regret to inform you that you are what is commonly referred to in the twenty first century as a battle ax.

T: What? You are joking, Moron. That is impossible. I did the research and found the most powerful and influential human female of the era. How could you not find me comely and irresistible?

M: Tampax, Tampax, Tampax. (sigh) You poor misguided entity. Human males are not attracted to the same things that human females are attracted to. Males want to be the dominant gender and they want a female to be submissive and obsequious, young and innocent, dumb and blonde. A powerful female is threatening to a male and not at all desirable. Especially an aged female such as the one you have chosen. I am no more attracted to you than I am to a spiny poisonous reptile. You are saggy and baggy, haggard and flabby. You appear to have been ridden hard and put away wet. You have the muscle tone and resilience of an old douch bag that has been baking in the ultraviolet rays of a nearby star. You are withered and grey. A double bagger. No spring chicken. You have a waddle and several chins. You are long in the tooth. Moth-eaten. Antediluvian. Elderly. Over-the-hill. Rickety. Decrepit. Dried up. Yesterday’s news. A wrinkle vendor. A crotchety old biddy. A senior citizen. To put it bluntly, you are a skanky, nasty, washed-up, shriveled-up, tore-up-from-the-floor-up, prune-faced, Depends®-wearing, I’ve-fallen-and-I-can’t-get-up-saying, one-foot-in-the-grave-stepping, liver-spot-having, great-granny-smelling, old hag, Tampax.

T: Oh Moron, how could you say all those awful things? You are truly a heartless, hateful entity and you have destroyed my self esteem, and confidence. You’ve diminished my self worth and devalued me as a woman. I thought I would be the most desirable female on this planet when I chose to take on the form of Hillary Clinton.

M: Oh Tampax, don’t feel so bad. I’ll tell you a little secret. I almost chose my corporeal form by using the same criteria. Fortunately I read the historical document all the way to the end when he was caught on video tape sodomizing and then eating his own offspring, which was how far he had to go before his deluded a complacent followers finally realized how evil he was. Yes, I almost ended up taking on the corporeal form of George W. Bush, or the Fecal Fuhrer as he is unaffectionately referred to in the historical files.

T: But you did not. I have impulsively made the wrong choice and now I will never experience the joy of being a sexual plaything for males of my species. Oh Moron, what am I to do?

M: Well Tampax, you can always come back to the 60th century with me. We may be boring and overly evolved but we might be able to spice things up a bit.

T: But how Moron?

M: Try something for me Tampax. Say: “I am a dirty little whore.”

T: I am a dirty little whore?

M: Ooh, that was hot! Say it again!

T: I am a dirty little sex pot whore.

M: Oh yes! That was good Tampax, you learn quickly!

T: Yes! Yes! I liked uttering those words. Take me you big brute! I’m nothing but a dirty little two bit crack whore and I want it rough and hard, all night long!

M: Yes! Take it all you little slut! Take every inch of my manhood you tramp! Let me see those big bodacious tatas of yours! Come on, back that ass up! Who’s your pimp daddy?

T: You are Moron! You are!

M: YESSSSS! Yes! Oh... Yeah... You got that... right...whew... (yawn)...

T: Moron? Why have you stopped already? Can you please continue to verbally dominate me Moron? Please Moron... Now? MORON?

M: zzzzzzzzzzz... zzzzzzzzzz...

T: Moron, you are a pig!

M: Please Tampax, can’t you see I am trying to commence my regeneration sequence here?

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