Monday, April 14, 2008


Studies Show Nose Picking Improves Driver Alertness

Incontrovertible evidence has been found proving that nose picking and the digital removal of hard or semi-hard dried mucous from the nasal passages actual stimulates brain function in all the areas used while driving a motor vehicle. Visual acuity, hand to eye coordination, reflexes and even navigational skills are all enhanced by the judicious and frequent insertion of the finger into the proboscis, the Department of Highways and Transportation announced today. The statement was met with some opposition posed by the National Anti-Cootie Foundation and the Federal Board of Roadway Indiscretions. But Officials are still condoning and encouraging nose picking in drivers nationwide asserting that the clear glass windows of most commercial passenger vehicles provide adequate concealment of the drivers activities. Providing the nasal products are not displayed on the middle finger extended from the vehicle toward other divers.

It’s a Cotton Pickin’ Crime

The case of two ex-plantation workers who were denied jobs at an orange grove in Louisiana was heard in the U.S. Supreme Court this week. Attorneys for the plaintiff stated that his clients were victims of racial discrimination citing an incident in which the grove’s foreman told the plaintiff, “Git yo cotton pickin’ hands outta my grove, boy. We don’t want no cotton pickers ‘round these here parts!” Although the two are fairly certain they will be awarded a settlement in the case, one of the plaintiffs was forced to seek employment at a shoe-shine stand while the other had to accept a position as an elevator operator until the case is settled.

Marsupials Are Just Dysfunctional Mammals.

An Official Spokesperson for the National Zoological Foundation has announced that Marsupials are just mammals with a pouch who have simply been coddling their young for too long. “These pups are just being big babies. They’re nothing more than sissies who are just too chicken-shit to leave the security of the womb when they’re born like any other mammal. And the platypuses and opossums who are letting them do it, are encouraging bad behavior in their offspring who never really mature fully and then go on to continue the cycle of abuse with their young. It’s disgusting!” Wildlife and conservationists are being asked to discourage the use of phrases such as “those amazing marsupials,” and to start calling them all mammals. The word ‘marsupial’ is really stupid sounding anyway, it sounds like the first course of a meal eaten on a nearby planet, you have your choice of that or ‘marsaladial.’

Surgeon General Puts Restrictions on Breast Implants

In a long overdue decision by the Surgeon General, there will now be size restrictions and upper limit guidelines to regulate breast sizes which fall under the classifications of ‘Big Bodacious Tatas’ or ‘Humongous Bazongas.’ The restrictions are designed to curtail the numerous abuses of women’s right to breast augmentation. “Some of these gals are really out of control with the size of their breasts and it’s not only unhealthy but it gives women an unfair advantage over men socially. When a normal sound-minded man’s eyes bug out of his head and he starts drooling, it’s time to put your foot down.
No body part should have the power to reduce an otherwise sane person to a blathering, googely-eyed, pervert with his tongue dragging on the ground.” The hardest hit by this new law will be the porn industry which employs entertainers such as Miss Lotta Topp and Mandy Melons just to name two. Unfortunately we can’t recall the massive mammaries these women already sport. They will continue to reign over males with supreme dominance until their bodies become too old to maintain the muscle tone and epidermal elasticity needed to support the weight of those things. But at least we can prevent future generations from packing the kind of racks that bring grown men to their knees at the very sight of them.

Junk Food May Actually Be Better for your Health

A double blind study recently indicated that McDonalds hamburgers, fries and shakes are more healthy than fresh organic fruits, vegetables and other natural foods on the market. The study suggests that we should continue to scarf these fast food favorites freely and stop wasting money on so-called 'whole food' from 'God’s green earth' 'as nature intended it' as they provide no better nutrition than the stuff you can get from a drive through for a fraction of the cost, according to chairman of the McDonalds Food Corporation who conducted and funded the study.

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