Monday, April 14, 2008

NUMBSAIN'S EYEWITLESS NEWSFLINCH



Studies Show Nose Picking Improves Driver Alertness

Incontrovertible evidence has been found proving that nose picking and the digital removal of hard or semi-hard dried mucous from the nasal passages actual stimulates brain function in all the areas used while driving a motor vehicle. Visual acuity, hand to eye coordination, reflexes and even navigational skills are all enhanced by the judicious and frequent insertion of the finger into the proboscis, the Department of Highways and Transportation announced today. The statement was met with some opposition posed by the National Anti-Cootie Foundation and the Federal Board of Roadway Indiscretions. But Officials are still condoning and encouraging nose picking in drivers nationwide asserting that the clear glass windows of most commercial passenger vehicles provide adequate concealment of the drivers activities. Providing the nasal products are not displayed on the middle finger extended from the vehicle toward other divers.


It’s a Cotton Pickin’ Crime

The case of two ex-plantation workers who were denied jobs at an orange grove in Louisiana was heard in the U.S. Supreme Court this week. Attorneys for the plaintiff stated that his clients were victims of racial discrimination citing an incident in which the grove’s foreman told the plaintiff, “Git yo cotton pickin’ hands outta my grove, boy. We don’t want no cotton pickers ‘round these here parts!” Although the two are fairly certain they will be awarded a settlement in the case, one of the plaintiffs was forced to seek employment at a shoe-shine stand while the other had to accept a position as an elevator operator until the case is settled.


Marsupials Are Just Dysfunctional Mammals.

An Official Spokesperson for the National Zoological Foundation has announced that Marsupials are just mammals with a pouch who have simply been coddling their young for too long. “These pups are just being big babies. They’re nothing more than sissies who are just too chicken-shit to leave the security of the womb when they’re born like any other mammal. And the platypuses and opossums who are letting them do it, are encouraging bad behavior in their offspring who never really mature fully and then go on to continue the cycle of abuse with their young. It’s disgusting!” Wildlife and conservationists are being asked to discourage the use of phrases such as “those amazing marsupials,” and to start calling them all mammals. The word ‘marsupial’ is really stupid sounding anyway, it sounds like the first course of a meal eaten on a nearby planet, you have your choice of that or ‘marsaladial.’

Surgeon General Puts Restrictions on Breast Implants


In a long overdue decision by the Surgeon General, there will now be size restrictions and upper limit guidelines to regulate breast sizes which fall under the classifications of ‘Big Bodacious Tatas’ or ‘Humongous Bazongas.’ The restrictions are designed to curtail the numerous abuses of women’s right to breast augmentation. “Some of these gals are really out of control with the size of their breasts and it’s not only unhealthy but it gives women an unfair advantage over men socially. When a normal sound-minded man’s eyes bug out of his head and he starts drooling, it’s time to put your foot down.
No body part should have the power to reduce an otherwise sane person to a blathering, googely-eyed, pervert with his tongue dragging on the ground.” The hardest hit by this new law will be the porn industry which employs entertainers such as Miss Lotta Topp and Mandy Melons just to name two. Unfortunately we can’t recall the massive mammaries these women already sport. They will continue to reign over males with supreme dominance until their bodies become too old to maintain the muscle tone and epidermal elasticity needed to support the weight of those things. But at least we can prevent future generations from packing the kind of racks that bring grown men to their knees at the very sight of them.

Junk Food May Actually Be Better for your Health

A double blind study recently indicated that McDonalds hamburgers, fries and shakes are more healthy than fresh organic fruits, vegetables and other natural foods on the market. The study suggests that we should continue to scarf these fast food favorites freely and stop wasting money on so-called 'whole food' from 'God’s green earth' 'as nature intended it' as they provide no better nutrition than the stuff you can get from a drive through for a fraction of the cost, according to chairman of the McDonalds Food Corporation who conducted and funded the study.

Numbsains Eyewitless Newsflinch...keeping your nose in other peoples business!

Brought to you by:

Vinnie’s Bank
...We gotcha money right here!

FIRST NATIONAL PIZZERIA
...America's most trusted name in pizza

Beans...eat them!

Electric Chairs 'n' Things...check out our huge selection of execution aids!
  • Lethal Injections
  • Gas Chambers
  • Firing Squad Rentals
  • Hangman's Nooses
  • Guillotines

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hello. This post is likeable, and your blog is very interesting, congratulations :-). I will add in my blogroll =). If ossible gives a last there on my blog, it is about the Aparelho de DVD, I hope you enjoy. The address is http://aparelho-dvd.blogspot.com. A hug.

Anonymous said...

Hello all, here every person is sharing such familiarity, so it's nice to read this weblog, and I used to visit this blog every day.

Also visit my web blog see more

Anonymous said...

This web site definitely has all the info I wanted about this subject and didn't know who to ask.

Also visit my weblog ... at motorcycle

Anonymous said...

hello there and thank you for your information – I've certainly picked up anything new from right here. I did however expertise some technical points using this website, as I experienced to reload the web site lots of times previous to I could get it to load properly. I had been wondering if your web hosting is OK? Not that I'm complaining, but sluggish loading instances times will often affect your placement in google and can damage your high quality score if advertising and marketing with Adwords.
Well I'm adding this RSS to my email and could look out for much more of your respective exciting content. Ensure that you update this again very soon.

Also visit my page; see more

Anonymous said...

You ought to take part in a contest for one of the most useful websites
online. I most certainly will highly recommend this site!


Look into my blog visit

Anonymous said...

Very good article. I absolutely appreciate this website.
Continue the good work!

Also visit my blog - visit website

Anonymous said...

Hello there, I discovered your site via Google while
looking for a comparable subject, your site came
up, it appears to be like great. I've bookmarked it in my google bookmarks.
Hello there, just became aware of your weblog through Google, and found that it's truly informative.
I am gonna watch out for brussels. I'll appreciate for those who proceed this in future. A lot of people will probably be benefited from your writing. Cheers!

Feel free to surf to my webpage: http://Chatclimax.com/

Anonymous said...

Hi it's me, I am also visiting this web page daily, this website is actually nice and the people are actually sharing pleasant thoughts.

Look at my web blog :: http://teensfirst...

Anonymous said...

Hey there! Do you know if they make any plugins to protect against hackers?
I'm kinda paranoid about losing everything I've worked hard on.
Any tips?

Also visit my site http://stretchedteenass.com/

Anonymous said...

I’m not that much of a online reader to be honest but your blogs really nice, keep it up!
I'll go ahead and bookmark your site to come back down the road. All the best

Feel free to visit my weblog http://www.paulltravel.com/member/38404/

Anonymous said...

What's up, everything is going perfectly here and ofcourse every one is sharing data, that's genuinely good, keep up writing.


My blog post: See More

Anonymous said...

Why people still make use of to read news papers when in this technological world all is accessible on web?



my web page - more

Anonymous said...

I all the time used to read post in news papers but now as
I am a user of web thus from now I am using net for content, thanks
to web.

Here is my blog :: [Home]

Anonymous said...

Howdy just wanted to give you a quick heads up.
The words in your content seem to be running off the
screen in Firefox. I'm not sure if this is a format issue or something to do with browser compatibility but I figured I'd
post to let you know. The layout look great though!
Hope you get the problem resolved soon. Cheers

My web-site - drug-Info.co.kr

Anonymous said...

I go to see daily a few web pages and information sites to
read articles or reviews, but this website offers quality based posts.


Also visit my web page into Great Big Tits And Round Ass

Anonymous said...

This site was... how do I say it? Relevant!! Finally I have found something
that helped me. Thank you!

My website - visit

Anonymous said...

I every time emailed this blog post page to all my contacts, because if like to read it after that my
contacts will too.

Here is my website ... homepage

Anonymous said...

What's Taking place i'm new to this, I stumbled upon this I've found It absolutely helpful and it has helped me out loads. I'm hoping to contribute & aid other customers
like its helped me. Great job.

Also visit my web site; visit website

Anonymous said...

Hi there everyone, it's my first visit at this website, and article is in fact fruitful designed for me, keep up posting these articles or reviews.

my blog post please click the next site

Anonymous said...

Hi to all, how is everything, I think every one is getting
more from this website, and your views are nice in support of new viewers.


Feel free to surf to my web page - a porn

Anonymous said...

I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you create this website yourself or
did you hire someone to do it for you? Plz reply as I'm looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. thank you

My webpage: Made My Day

Anonymous said...

Way cool! Some extremely valid points! I appreciate you penning
this write-up plus the rest of the website is also really
good.

Also visit my web blog; visit website

Anonymous said...

I always emailed this website post page to all my friends,
because if like to read it afterward my links will too.


Feel free to surf to my web site - sell

Anonymous said...

I needed to thank you for this very good read!!
I certainly loved every little bit of it. I've got you book marked to check out new stuff you post…

my web page ... just click the following webpage - www.aller-bien.fr

Anonymous said...

If you want to increase your knowledge just
keep visiting this website and be updated with
the most up-to-date gossip posted here.

Here is my blog post: samantha

Anonymous said...

Greetings from Carolina! I'm bored at work so I decided to check out your blog on my iphone during lunch break. I enjoy the knowledge you present here and can't wait
to take a look when I get home. I'm surprised at how fast your blog loaded on my cell phone .. I'm not
even using WIFI, just 3G .. Anyways, very good site!


Also visit my web-site; Over here

Anonymous said...

Hello, i read your blog occasionally and i own a similar one and
i was just curious if you get a lot of spam responses?
If so how do you protect against it, any plugin or anything you can suggest?
I get so much lately it's driving me insane so any support is very much appreciated.

Feel free to visit my homepage - the Photo

Anonymous said...

Do you have a spam problem on this blog; I also am a blogger, and I was wondering your situation;
we have created some nice procedures and we are looking to swap strategies with others, be sure
to shoot me an e-mail if interested.

Have a look at my website: http://www.jrspringers.com/modules.php?name=Your_Account&op=userinfo&username=KandyBabb

Anonymous said...

Does your blog have a contact page? I'm having trouble locating it but, I'd like to shoot you
an e-mail. I've got some suggestions for your blog you might be interested in hearing. Either way, great website and I look forward to seeing it improve over time.

Here is my web site - see more

Anonymous said...

What's Going down i am new to this, I stumbled upon this I've found
It absolutely useful and it has aided me out loads.

I hope to contribute & help different users like its helped
me. Great job.

Also visit my web page ... more

Anonymous said...

Fine way of telling, and pleasant piece of writing to get information
regarding my presentation topic, which i am going to present in institution of higher education.


Here is my page; http://pornharvest.com/index.php?q=nubiles+lina_miles&f=a&p=s

Anonymous said...

Hello my family member! I want to say that this article is amazing,
great written and include approximately all important infos.

I would like to look extra posts like this .


My webpage ... Email Console

Anonymous said...

I was suggested this website by my cousin. I am not
sure whether this post is written by him as nobody else know such
detailed about my difficulty. You are amazing!
Thanks!

My web-site http://Pornharvest.com/index.php?m=2491300

Anonymous said...

It's going to be ending of mine day, but before ending I am reading this enormous post to increase my knowledge.

Here is my web page - Email Console

Anonymous said...

Have you ever considered about including a little
bit more than just your articles? I mean, what you say is fundamental and everything.

However think about if you added some great graphics
or video clips to give your posts more, "pop"! Your content is excellent but with
pics and clips, this site could definitely be one of the most beneficial in its field.
Fantastic blog!

My web-site i was reading this - Pornharvest.com

Anonymous said...

My brother recommended I may like this website. He used to be totally right.
This publish actually made my day. You cann't consider just how much time I had spent for this info! Thanks!

Also visit my page - new faces new friends and fertile territory to explore weve got the

Anonymous said...

vapor cigarette, smokeless cigarettes, electronic cigarette, electronic cigarettes, electronic cigarette, smokeless cigarette