Thursday, August 21, 2008

Scat Singers are so Misunderstood

Ritzy Guissepe, trumpeter, scat singer, fatneck live at the G-spot in Manhattan.

A years worth of music lessons and many long minutes a day of pretending to practice wasn't getting me the kind of acclaim I had expected. I was pretty well known at family gatherings but Uncle Louie’s hearing aid cost me a bundle. I want the fans to pay me. Maybe it was the style of music I played, there just wasn't a big audience for scales and arpeggios.

So one evening I went to a local jazz club downtown called “The WB Club” to see the Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band. There was a line out the door and they made me pay five dollars to get in. I think Bobby gets it all cause the guy who took my money was dressed like a bum. Then when I got inside they charged me again! Anyway the band was really hot. I think that's why they didn't sound so good. Too hot in there. But It was an inspiring show, I came away thinking, "That sucked. I can do that."

So when I saw my teacher I told him about it. Goes a little something like this:

[a-one…a-two…a-one, two, mm, mm]

Me: “Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be blowin at da WB”

Teach: “Bobby who?”

Me: “Bobby Shoe.”

Teach: “Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be back?”

Me: “You bet.”

Teach: “How do da Bobby Shoe BeBop Big Band be blowin' to you?”

Me: “Boy, Bobby Shoe Bebop Band really be bad.”

Teach: “Shut up! By "bad" you mean good?”

Me: "No! By "bad" I mean "bad!" we boo'd Bobby Shoe."

Teach: “Shut up! You boo'd Bobby Shoe?”

Me: “Better believe it, boy we all had ta scoot.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Me: “Better believe it. We heard a little bit o' Bobby beat up da blues, bought a bottle o’ beer and bit the bullet but it didn't get any better. Bobby didn't even get a little itty bitty bit better and boy we boo'd.”

Teach: “Shut up! You boo'd Bobby Shoe?”

Me: “Better believe it, boy we all had ta scoot.”

Teach: “Ya had ta skeedaddle?”

Me: “Skeedaddle we did.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Me: “I bet I'd do better.”

Teach: “Better'n Bobby Shoe? Who you?”

Me: “I do. I bet I do way better bebop and I bet I get a better bebop band.”

Teach: “Bobby don't be no bum, baby. Bobby be a buddy backinna day!”

Me: “I bet I'd do better and I bet I'm gonna be bigger”

Teach: “Better'n Bobby Shoe, little ol’ you would do?”

Me: “I do. I bet I do way better bebop in a better bebop band then Bobby Shoe Bebop Big Band be blowin at da WBeeeeeeee.”

Teach: “Shut up!”

Thank you lady and gentleman, thank you both for coming! You've been a wonderful audient. Good night mom, dad. Thanks again. Don't leave yet, I need a ride home.

Written by numbsain...ex-jazz trumpeter, composer, decomposer, arranger, rearranger, park ranger.

Brought to you by SCAT® Cat Repellant.
and by Jazz-Away! Wipes out pesky jazz musicians on contact!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

IT'S A TOUGH JOB BUT SOMEBODY’S GOTTA SCREW IT UP



Good Afternoon sir can I get a drink started for you.

Uh, yeah...I’ll have a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino

VENTI CAR’MEL LOW FLAT NO LIP CRAPPUCINO!

No, that’s a venti car’mel low fat no whip cappuccino.

Yeah I know, VERY HARMFUL LOW FLAT NO CRAP LIPPUCINO! Next guest in line!

I’d like a tall soy car’mel macchiatto.

SALT TOY MARBLE SACCHIATTO! Next visitor in line please!

Wait, that wasn’t right I wanted a—

NEXT VISITOR!


It’s my turn pal! Yeah, gimme like a venti iced blended maple frappuccino

VINTAGE ICE DENTED MENTAL AL PACINO and your name sir?

Hey I didn’t order that, you said ‘vintage ice—

FOR VINNIE!

Nuh-uh my name ain’t Vinnie, It’s Paul!

MAKE THAT A TALL!

No, look mack I oughta fatten your lip
AND VINNIE ALSO WANTS A NO LOOK MACCHIATTO, LOW FAT NO WHIP!

Forget this place! C’mon Carmella!

Next family member!

Hi! I’d like a venti iced mocha frappuccino with light whip, and my name is Wanda.

WENDY DICED OKRA CLAPPUCCINO WITH NICE TITS AND WHY BLAME UGANDA

Next contestant in line!

Just a tall soy mocha frappuccino with no whip.

TOLSTOY VOCAL PALOMINO WITH GOAT LIPS! Next sacrificial virgin in line.

I’ll have a tall low fat blended acåi sorbetto.

HOLOGRAPH RENDERED SPY GUIPETTO! Next prisoner!

Yeah hey, howzit goin’ dude. (Listen dude, I gotta call you back I gotta figure out what I’m gonna order... Yeah, I love you too, dude... uh-huh, take care now bro, bye-bye)
Sorry about that dude. I was talkin on...

We know, there’s a line of people behind you.

Woah! Yer right, okay, what do I want... hmm... what do you recommend?

A black eye, two shots of espresso in a cup of drip coffee.

Awesome! gimme a black eye.

KAPOW! (flubump)

Next victim!

Hi, I’ll get the pumpkin spice low fat muffin and a tall decaffienated with a dollop of foam.

HEY AL, GET THIS PUNK A NICE BIG FAT NOTHIN‘ AND CALL ME A CAB, IT‘S LATE AND I GOTTA GO HOME!

Monday, August 4, 2008

Stupid Classified Ads


Sperm Whale Seeks Ovary Whale
for dating and mating on the high seas.
Turn-ons: Sweeping the ocean floor straining krill,
Swimming 24/7, Collecting barnacles,
Turn-offs:
Decaying on the beach, Trawlers nets,
Poachers harpoons, Under-aged whale bait.
I am black, weigh 17 tons, relatively attractive
(2 tons body blubber) produce up to 400 gallons
of sperm per climax.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Professional Coin Tosser Seeks Change
Bored with my career, looking to branch out into other fields such as dwarf, salad, or cookie tossing. I don't pitch, chuck or lob but I have thrown a shoe, for a loop and a hissy fit. Willing to cast pearls but not before swine. by the wayside. If you have a need for my services or know how I could catapult
myself into a new career please reply.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
2065 Ford Exaggerator for Sale
Time traveler back from the future wishes to sell vehicle
equipped to run on fuel not yet invented and designed
to travel at speeds exceeding 300 mph. V44 scramjet
engine stalls at 65mph, can't land on most driveways
and cup holders don't accommodate cups smaller than
mega gulp. Other than those problems it's a great car
at a reasonable price. $14,000,000.00 o.b.o.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Homeless Man, Seeks Overpass Without View
Unkempt transient, 45, no job, bad attitude, smells like pee
and cheap wine, seeking permanent residence under bridge or
overpass not visible from street. I like to sleep in the buff and
I'm tired of getting grappled by the jakes every time I drop trou.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Circus Clown Seeks Carpoolers to Downtown
Trying to cut gas costs of daily commute. I drive a Mini Cooper
from the West Valley to Maple St. downtown. If you would like
to save BIG $ and the environment, please reply ASAP.
Hurry—Only first 65 applicants accepted.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Aging Cowboy Wishes to Stop Aging
93 year old cattle rancher seeks young, reliable, attractive woman age 3+ to hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
For Sale: Large “For Sale” Sign
8 ft. tall by 12 ft. wide with the words “For Sale” written on it in big bold letters. Beautiful, sturdy, solidly constructed of hard wood, professionally painted. Willing to let it go cheap because of a minor typo, instead of “For Sale” it says: “I Broke My Penis” but it can be easily repaired. $100
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Tattoo Wanted
I have always wanted to get a tattoo but I've been to scared.
If anyone is interested in helping me fulfill my dream of
getting a tattoo please reply. I prefer you be light skinned
and don't mind having my tattoo put on your back and
then having a 12 inch square of skin cut off of your back.
(It's only a 10 inch square tattoo but I want a little border
on it, I think it would look nicer that way).
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
I Eat Invisible Food—Care to Join Me?
I am an attractive man who enjoys romantic candle lit dinners
of invisible food. If you are an attractive woman who also likes
this please call me and I will treat you to a delicious dinner of
invisible food at the restaurant of your choice. See you at dinner time! (sex afterward required)
••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Roommate Wanted
I seek a clean, friendly, roommate to share the cost of my one
bedroom, second story up-town apartment. You will have the
broom closet all to yourself. I supply two bowls of kibbles and a
clean dish of water every day. You must be okay with sitting on
my lap, fetching my slippers and going for walkies on a leash 3
times a day. Also biting (and killing, if necessary) intruders.
$500 per month including utilities. First and last months rent,
credit check and background check required to move in. No
pedigree papers necessary but must have all shots.

by numbsain...“comedy writer seeks sense of humor”