Goldmind's Unwind

Stupid Classified Ads


Sperm Whale Seeks Ovary Whale
for dating and mating on the high seas.
Turn-ons: Sweeping the ocean floor straining krill,
Swimming 24/7, Collecting barnacles,
Turn-offs: Decaying on the beach, Trawlers nets,
Poachers harpoons, Under-aged whale bait.
I am black, weigh 17 tons, relatively attractive
(2 tons body blubber) produce up to 400 gallons
of sperm per climax.
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Professional Coin Tosser Seeks Change
Bored with my career, looking to branch out into other fields such as dwarf, salad, or cookie tossing. I don't pitch, chuck or lob but I have thrown a shoe, for a loop and a hissy fit. Willing to cast pearls but not before swine. by the wayside. If you have a need for my services or know how I could catapult
myself into a new career please reply.
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2065 Ford Exaggerator for Sale
Time traveler back from the future wishes to sell vehicle
equipped to run on fuel not yet invented and designed
to travel at speeds exceeding 300 mph. V44 scramjet
engine stalls at 65mph, can't land on most driveways
and cup holders don't accommodate cups smaller than
mega gulp. Other than those problems it's a great car
at a reasonable price. $14,000,000.00 o.b.o.
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Homeless Man, Seeks Overpass Without View
Unkempt transient, 45, no job, bad attitude, smells like pee
and cheap wine, seeking permanent residence under bridge or
overpass not visible from street. I like to sleep in the buff and
I'm tired of getting grappled by the jakes every time I drop trou.
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Circus Clown Seeks Carpoolers to Downtown
Trying to cut gas costs of daily commute. I drive a Mini Cooper
from the West Valley to Maple St. downtown. If you would like
to save BIG $ and the environment, please reply ASAP.
Hurry—Only first 65 applicants accepted.
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Aging Cowboy Wishes to Stop Aging
93 year old cattle rancher seeks young, reliable, attractive woman age 3+ to hold a gun to my head and pull the trigger.
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For Sale: Large “For Sale” Sign
8 ft. tall by 12 ft. wide with the words “For Sale” written on it in big bold letters. Beautiful, sturdy, solidly constructed of hard wood, professionally painted. Willing to let it go cheap because of a minor typo, instead of “For Sale” it says: “I Broke My Penis” but it can be easily repaired. $100
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Tattoo Wanted
I have always wanted to get a tattoo but I've been to scared.
If anyone is interested in helping me fulfill my dream of
getting a tattoo please reply. I prefer you be light skinned
and don't mind having my tattoo put on your back and
then having a 12 inch square of skin cut off of your back.
(It's only a 10 inch square tattoo but I want a little border
on it, I think it would look nicer that way).
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I Eat Invisible Food—Care to Join Me?
I am an attractive man who enjoys romantic candle lit dinners
of invisible food. If you are an attractive woman who also likes
this please call me and I will treat you to a delicious dinner of
invisible food at the restaurant of your choice. See you at dinner time! (sex afterward required)
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Roommate Wanted
I seek a clean, friendly, roommate to share the cost of my one
bedroom, second story up-town apartment. You will have the
broom closet all to yourself. I supply two bowls of kibbles and a
clean dish of water every day. You must be okay with sitting on
my lap, fetching my slippers and going for walkies on a leash 3
times a day. Also biting (and killing, if necessary) intruders.
$500 per month including utilities. First and last months rent,
credit check and background check required to move in. No
pedigree papers necessary but must have all shots.

by numbsain...“comedy writer seeks sense of humor”