Wednesday, November 21, 2007

The First Round of Dear Santa Letters

by Cheddar, numbsain
Well, here we are again. November. The North pole mail bags are filling with greedy requests for everything from toy bazookas to new puppies to cartons of cigarettes to Jennifer Anniston's panties. Having been asked by the postal service to assist them in writing some responses, we here at Goldmind's Unwind have been busy working overtime to make sure every child gets a personally crafted, loving response to their pointless letters. Some we are so proud of, in fact, that we thought we'd post them for you the reader to admire. Fawn over. Hell, marry the answers if you like. And away we go.....

Dear Santa,
I really want a hamster this year. I've been good and lissened to mommy and daddy like I should, so pleese bring me a hamster! Pleese!

Dear "Cody"-
Look. Santa knows everything, remember? I know this is really Richard Gere, and you're not getting a hamster, gerbil, titmouse, prarie dog, or chinchilla! After what you did to the last one...well, you really ought to be ashamed of yourself! Besides, I'm saving you from yourself. If you keep doing that kind of thing you'll need to start packing diapers.

Dear Santa-
Mommy says that I should get a lump of coal this year! What am I supposed to do with that? I don't want a lump of coal!

Dear Joey-
A lump of coal is better than the lump of crack your mom buys herself every year. As far as what to do with it? Ask Richard Gere.

Dear Santa-
What I want more than anything in the world is just to be an elf for a day. I would skip getting toys for years if I could just spend one whole day in the North Pole making toys and playing with the raindeers.
Your friend

Dear Cassie-
You're a dear heart. Truly. And Santa doesn't know how to tell you this, but with the recent cost of gas prices, manufacturing materials, and union labor, Santa has to outsource his workshops to India. That means if you spent one whole day in the North Pole, it would be quiet, cold, and desolate. On the bright side, you're still getting something for nothing, so enjoy!

Dear Santa-
I jes wanded you to noe that Timmy Baker is a jerk! He hits me efry day and makes fun of me! Don't bring him nuthing this year!

Dear Todd-
Wow. Timmy pretty much must have beat you retarded, the way you spelled out that letter! And as Santa always says, "that is not nice." Don't you worry. When Santa comes down Timmy's chimney this year, he's gonna bring a sock full of pennies and give Timmy the beating of a lifetime. Then you can make fun of him.

Dear Santa-
I know you hear this alot, but I really want a baby sister for christmas. It gets really lonely here sometimes with only mommy and her girlfriend to talk to. They're both adults and I don't understand them at all.
What's lesspian mean?

Dear Erica-
Errr.....Umm....It means Santa can't bring you a baby sister. How about a talking teddy bear? Or a chatty Kathy doll? Something plastic you can talk to and pretend its your baby sister. By the way, Santa has a favor for you. Santa is having trouble "checking up" on your mommy. If I send you this camera, can you put it in mommy's bedroom in a place she won't see it? Thanks dear.

Dear Santa,
I don't want any presents this year. I want no tree and no tinsle. I don't want my stocking stuffed with goodies either. I just want an end to hunger and suffering. Also love and harmony.

Dear Dave,
I'm sending you some cans of tuna fish and heroin. For the second part of your request, I can send you Alvin and the Chipmunks, but as far as loving them, Richard Gere can help you with that.
P.S. "Ready Dave?"

Dear Santa,
I'm too old for this kind of thing but I thought I'd ask anyway. I want a 40 gig Ipod Mini, a Blackberry Pearl and a 8 megapixel SLR Digital Camera.
Thanks, Luke

Dear Luke,
Enclosed please find a job application for McDonalds.
Luke, I'm not your father.

Dear Santa Claus
I'm an 80 year old woman and I have two requests:
1. I want to rock your world Santa!
2. I would like the freedom to go anywhere in the world anytime I want to!

Dear Hilda,
Request number 1. No.
Request number 2. I'm sending you a package of Depends Undergarments® in a travel tote bag.

Dear Mr. Claus,
I am an investigator for the IRS and our records show that you've been operating your little toy cartel completely under our radar which is of course illegal. Bottom line is, you owe $427,592,002,628,829.76 in back taxes. Please remit payment to
Internal Revenue Service
Sacramento CA. Thank you.

Dear Sirs,
I suppose you believe in the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny, and the Boogie Man! Grow up! There's no such thing as Santa Claus! I think your parents were trying to fudge the books when they told you Santa bought all that stuff.
Sincerely, Sanford Claussien

Dear Santa,
I'm a 22 year old, extremely attractive single female. I've got a killer body but the only problem is my tatas, they're just a little too small! : ( Do you think maybe you could bring me a set of implants. I would be very appreciative! ; )
Love, Brianna

Dear Brianna,
I can only bring gifts that are appropriate and I will need to make a determination as to the importance of your need for implants. Many young women feel they need implants when they actually have perfectly adequate breasts. Let me check my appointment book... It looks like I'm pretty tied up until the 24th of December but I think I can squeeze you in say, in 1 hour?
I'll take a look at the situation and see if you really need implants or not. By the way, I'll need to take a few photos as well just so you know. See you real soon Brianna, (Ho Ho Ho Boy!)

This is just a sampling of the good work we've done so far! As more letters come in, we may just revisit this topic! Thank you America!

-The Staff at Goldmind's unwind