Saturday, November 3, 2007

Relationship Classifieds

Brilliant narcissist, 40, seeks woman perfect in every way who will treat me with the awe and respect my Ivy League degree, Mensa membership, and acting career demand. You must meet MY needs and realize that YOU are lucky I have even taken my valuable time to submit this request when I could be out being worshiped in some fashion by various people and through my myriad trophies and accomplishments. This is my first time posting a classified and I don’t need to post in order to find a woman, particularly because I have an Ivy League degree, Mensa membership, and an acting career. I once was an extra on Good Times and I have an Ivy League degree.

sing, wh, male, 40, shrt, fat, bald, ug, stpid, sm, borng, rude, smell bad, no bathe, bad breath, seek supermodel, w/ long legs, blonde, age 18-22, mute, lo maint call 437 2285... why u laff? oops! forget mention: I am rich! No, name not Rich, am filthy RICH as in mega $$$$$. hurry call now, ain't got all day.

Extremely attractive, single, blonde female, 25, perfect figure, seeking older bald short fat male w/ lo income... Pfsha-ha-ha-ha yeah right, you wish! sucker!

Single white male cadaver seeks mortician for autopsies, cremation, burial and possibly funeral.

64 year old deathrow imate want butiful woman who likes misnderstood old convikted felon with 3 maybe 5 years left to live and I really didnt cut up them kids and feed them to a squirrel that day in Grant park when I wus high on elmer glue. He did. Sincere reples only plese. Send attenton of Imate #57645.

MWF 50-something seeks SBM 18 or 19 for fun in the kitchen, drip your chocolate sauce all over my marshallow mounds, hide your snicker bar in my vanilla cake batter. Light my oven between 9:00 and 5:00! No g-strings attached!

Imprisoned married man seeks key to ball and chain! LF intellectual sincere male to stop by the house and convince wife that Tuesdays are really book club night! Will pay poker buy in later that night in gratitude! Call 555-8922!

Dum man, 40, seek dum womin. Any age. Must cook. Eat food. Drink water. Mate. Make happy.

SF, bi-racial, bi-curious, bi-polar, bi-cyclical seeks stable M/F/B/W/H/S/D, for long lasting, sporadic, secure, grounded relationship. Come on, ride my roller coaster, just for fun, seriously!

Single white male, seeks white female, shoulder length brown hair parted to the right, of medium build, and medium height. Candidate should not be nervous around implements of pain and torture and must not mind being called “mother.” Candidate will be asked to wear a red checkered apron and horn rimmed glasses. Creamy swan like neck a plus. Not being squeamish around own blood also a plus. Please call “Dirk” at 441-6213.

Male terrestrial hermit crab, 14 weeks, seeks female or hermaphroditic lobster, crayfish or any sincere crustacean. I have blue compound eyes, thick antennae, and a large, stiff exoskeleton. Large trilobite limbs preferred.

Married white male, seeks same for bar stool companion. Must enjoy commiserating, slurred philosophy, random overloud rants, and beer nuts. Previous bar stool companion cheated on me with Betty Ford, the bastard. Having hideous wife a plus. Having even more hideous mother in law a bigger plus. Please contact “Ed” at “Stuckey's Bar.”

Married white female, presidential candidate, seeking male intern for vengeance. Must enjoy wearing berets, smoking cigars, and be hazy on the true definition of “is.” If you perform well enough, position of “first man” may be a reality. Call 268- 4490 and leave message in code for “Gillary Winton”.

Single brown hamster seeking any human male that does not own a tube! Have been in several relationships with various owners and have had every manner of atrocity committed against me! Looking to spend my last days running on a wheel and living care free, NOT “coal mining.” Please call. Serious inquiries only. And by means, no Mr. Gere!

~Cheese, Guinness, Goldmind, Numbsain