By CheeseMy fellow Bloggers. In the spirit of American politics, I stand before you today to address the state of this blog site and it's current writers. (who, incidentally, should be applauded for NOT being on strike) There has been a firestorm of controversy that has, shall we say, molested "Goldmind's Unwind" in recent weeks and some issues need to be tackled once and for all. Let me just say in general, that the state of this blog site is severely warped. And it's prognosis is sickly at best. In other words, it's right where we want it to be! (pause for applause)
First and foremost, I want to clear up some hurtful gossip involving myself. (It's my blog entry so I'll use ego and put myself first thank you very much!) I have received your emails regarding my posts and I am inclined to make a few responses. Foambubble36, you and your hotmail account are on the forefront of my mind. While it's true that my grasp of the English language is tenuous at best, and while it's also true that I am a vulgar degenerate, there is no way you could possibly know all those things about my mother and several illicit members of the animal kingdom. The evidence to support your claims is circumstantial at best. MarkP at Hammertoe.net, all I can say is that my alcoholism is off limits! Do I write you emails referencing your chronic masturbation syndrome? Of course not! I have taste! Diseases are not funny! And lastly dad, I received your email too. And all I can say is same to you! What ever happened to family support? You've been a real tool since your secretary gave you syphilis, you know that?
But I digress. There are other things I need to get off my chest here today, and I cannot afford to interrupt myself. For instance, the photographs of Numbsain and I in various compromising positions that were leaked to babyoil.com. Now, ladies and gentleman, I am not a heartless man, but I AM an opportunist. With the very recent passing of Heath Ledger and the insider knowledge that Brokeback Mountain 2 was in it's beginning production stages, I encouraged Numbsain to pose in some risque photographs that were to be sent as a pictorial audition for the vacant movie role! That is all! I categorically deny receiving any enjoyment from those photographs and chalk up my euphoric expression to exceptionally good acting. I cannot, however, speak for Numbsain. Or his cute dimples.
But enough about me! There is other skulduggery taking place that needs to be addressed. The mysterious absence of the site's namesake has led to widespread speculation and rampant rumormongering by blog muckrakers everywhere. Shame on you! Goldmind has been located and is very safe where he is at. Your speculation that he changed his gender and became an Albright or that he is the male Jennifer Flowers of the current Clinton campaign was way off base and demeaning. And double shame on you cheeseisreallywritingthis.com! As if making outlandish claims somehow makes up for your lack of facts! Joined the cast of Riverdance indeed! Bah! All of you are lucky that Goldmind has a penchant for kleptomania and is indisposed for the next 5-8 years due to poor legal representation, I'll tell you that! There'd be hell to pay otherwise!
And even our poor Guinness failed to escape the gossip mill. The new Heidi Fliess? Are you kidding me? Guinness is a saint! A darling! She's so pure that she wore white before and after her Hustler photo shoot! None of you are fit to shine her knee high leather boot! To feel the lash of her cat o' nine tails!
Time to wind down. My blood pressure is now at it's boiling point. It has not escaped me that I have somewhat gotten away from the state of the actual blog site itself, but the firestorm of controversy simply had to be addressed.
As to the site itself, it is consistent. Economically it is as broke as ever with no plan in place to rectify that. Socially, we are inept, confused, isolationists who go home after another awkward day at work and torture whoever we have tied up in our cellar. Educationally, the site is lacking in anything but rudimentary cunning and poo poo jokes. In terms of foreign policy, the site is in English so it his highly discriminatory towards all foreigners. And on the controversial topic of immigration, we here at the site have vowed to outsource at least 30% of our jokes to illegal immigrants in an effort to thwart government attempts to stop the employment of illegals.
Por que el pollo cruzo el camino?
Para conseguir al otro lado.
So my fellow bloggers. As we look ahead on the coming year, Goldmind's Unwind hopes to continue providing you the same low brow, irresponsible, sick minded humor laced with vulgarity that we've always given. It is this level of perseverance that has inspired you to hate us so and slander our collective reputations at every given opportunity. And for this we sincerely thank you.
El Cheesemo.
