"Much ado" (about nothing at all)-Political Song 3

Sung to "Making Love" (out of nothing at all)

-Air Supply-

(This song is dedicated to all you Ohio voters who boldly pulled down your pants and screwed the pooch last night! After all the talk of NAFTA, lost jobs in Ohio, poor state economy, and trade concerns, you went out and voted for one of the loudest mouthpieces FOR NAFTA! Great show! Way to rock the vote! So we here at Goldmind's Unwind want to salute you!)

(Hillary sings)

" I know just how to spin this

I know just how to lie.

I know just how to use the news

to pull the wool over your eyes!

I'll pretend that I hate NAFTA

It will be my latest scheme

And if you refer to my voting record

then I'll claim it's just a dream.

And I know that you will buy it

Anything that I tell you

Because as voters you're no smarter

Then a pile of dog poo

And I'll tell you I"m your savior

And I'll tell you not to cry

And I'll tell your moron ears

anything they want to hear

Just to get your fucking vote on my side.

I know the road to the White House

Lies through you slackjawed rubes

And in this diorama

there's no room for Obama

Who cares if he's black, I got boobs!

So I fooled the voters of Ohio

Yet I'm still set up to take a fall

So I'll scream about my minor victory

and make much ado out of nothing at all

(much ado)

Out of nothing at all"

(repeat)

(The voters sing)

"Everytime we see you on our big screen TV

we see the goat horns growing out of your hair.

But the media loves you, and licks your sagging woo woo

so we don't care.

We're searching for our minds, but they're useless and lost

and so we look up to a leader like you

You can use us like we're mindless machines

We're putty in your hands, you are our queen

We gotta follow you 'cause everything we know, you could engrave upon the head of a pin"

(O'bama sings)

"I love to watch you hedge and stumble

While I sit back and cock block

As I tally my delegates, night after night

And hear the dwindling sound of your clock.

Why would you make this race forever?

Why don't you concede your momentum is gone?

Why don't you take a long drive with my good friend Ted Kennedy

And become a book that a movie's based on.

What I'm trying to say here is Hillary

You really make my skin crawl

And I'm so sick of listening to your shit

Much ado...about nothing at all.

(much ado)

About nothing at all

(repeat)

Fun with NAFTA

We all know the side effects of NAFTA can be quite unpleasant. Job loss, complete lack of customer service when dealing with overseas hot lines, vacating industries, etc. But there’s no reason we can't put an enjoyable spin on this travesty, now is there?

The following is a transcript of a "recorded for quality assurance" phone call.

Customer Service Specialist: (in heavy Indian accent) "Thank you for calling America online, my name is Elvis, how can I help you?"

Caller: (in thick Appalachian accent) "Yessir. Mah name is Bashir Ibn Fahad, and ah'm havin' nine kindsa hell gettin' connected to my deadblamed email over here."

Elvis: "I am veddy sorry to be hearing this Mr.....Fahad was it? That is most extraordinary! I am having an uncle named Rami Fahad!"

Bashir: "That's nuthin' Elvis! We done had us a singer over here named Elvis! I got all his plates an' everything!"

Elvis: "Well I must confess to you sir, that my name is not really Elvis. We are asked to pick an American name to put you more at ease."

Bashir: "Well, Elvis, that's alright. My name ain't Bashir neither, but I figgered since you was bullshittin' and all, so would I. So.... About my email over here....."

Elvis: (now in a baffled/hurt tone) "Well sir, what seems to be the problem?"

Bashir: "Well...I got this computer in front of me here, and I git to loggin on to America on line and all, but when I click on my mail box, it says "Hello Jonathan." Now my name ain't Jonathan, and these emails are definitely not mine."

Elvis: "That does sound strange indeed sir. Tell me are you using your own PC?"

Bashir: (laughing) "Can you say 'PC' again there Elvis? It's raght funny the way you say it."

Elvis: "I'm sorry, sir. How should I say it?"

Bashir: "Oh nevermind Elvis. What about these Jonathan F. Miller emails I'm starin at here? I got no use for all this mail that don't pertain to me."

Elvis: "Jonathan F. Miller? Is that not the CEO of America Online?"

Bashir: "I reckon so, Elvis old boy! He must be some fancy bigwig. Guy's got a big old roomy office, security guards and the whole shebang. You wouldn't believe who I had to sneak past to git up here."

Elvis: "Sir, I do not understand. Up where? Where exactly are you calling from?"

Bashir: "From Miller's office o'course! Hain't you been listenin' Elvis old sock? I'm trying to get on ma email from this here Miller feller's computer."

Elvis: "Sir, you can only access your email from your own PC. (another giggle from Bashir) You should not be using Mr. Miller's computer."

Bashir: "I cain't afford a PC Elvis! Ever since I lost my manufacturing job to Mumbai, I got no income at all good buddy! In fact, I came to see Mr. Miller just to let him know that a bunch of us over here decided to work for fifty cents an hour. Figgered he'd move his call center back over here and take advantage of that sweatshop shit! Know what I'm sayin? But he wasn't in today, so I figured I'd just check ma emails to see if Monster.com found me any possible openings. And now I can't get in to my email."

Elvis: (dead silence)

Bashir: "Well, seems the cat's got your tongue there, eh Pressley. So you're saying I can't access my emails on big shot Miller's PC, right?"

Elvis: "That is correct, sir."

Bashir: "I see. It's just as well. Monster probably ain't been able to do diddly shit with me anyway. But hey, Elvis. I think you fellers ought to know....one o' these emails here says your days might be numbered! Seems the Chinese are starting to open call centers, and one of em's got employees willing to work for just a cup of coffee and a pack of juji fruits a month. You guys need should think about lowering your salaries! Mr. Miller cain't keep payin' y'all 5 bucks a week! It's a sinkin' economy over here, if you ain't heard."

Elvis: (Indignantly) "Well we have a living to make too sir. We can not lower our salaries any further."

Bashir: "Ayuh. I understand. Well maybe you could hook up with a French company or somethin'. They'll pay extra for any service that pisses off Americans. Take care there Blue Hawaii! I'll catch you on the flip side!"

(click)

Okay, I admit it. I am Bashir Ibn Fahad and as for Jonathan Miller, Andrea Jung, and all the other CEOs who sell out their employees, in the spirit of saving a few bucks which they NEVER pass on to the consumer, may you experience irreversible crotch rot!

And goodnight to you, Elvis...wherever you are.

"Are you a Pervert?"-Personality Quiz

1. If your grocery store selection only offered these three fruit choices, which would you purchase?

A- A banana

B- Two firm plums

C- A soft fuzzy peach with a warm hollowed out center

2. You're at a bar and have been hitting on a tall leggy brunette all night. You are close to sealing the deal to get her back to your place, but just as you're about to go, the bartender warns you she's actually a man. You...

A. Make up an excuse, leave the bar, and resign yourself to another weekend of masturbation.

B. Revise your plans and decide to stop at oral

C. Rush to the pet store and buy a pair of gerbils

3. You put the new comedy you just rented into the dvd player and realize that the store accidentally put the wrong disc in the box as the opening scene of a porn movie begins to play. You...

A. Turn the movie immediately off, return it to the store, and file a complaint with the manager

B. Decide that you weren't in the mood for a comedy anyway and go get a box of tissues for the session to come.

C. Smile with fondness at the memories you made while directing this movie

4. You take viagara for a hot date and experience an erection lasting longer than 4 hours. You...

A. Call your doctor as is advised.

B. Use the side effect to your advantage as you go for round 2 through 20 with your partner

C. Film the event for posterity, brag to all your friends, and charge around your office at work yelling "VIVA LA PENIS!"

5. You meet some coworkers at a strip bar on a Friday night. You have a few drinks and get to enjoying yourself, when on to the stage, dressed as a naughty nurse, walks your sister. You....

A. Throw your coat over her, carry her out to the parking lot, and lecture her about ways to make an extra buck that do not involve embarrassing the family

B. Pretend to find an interesting bug on the floor that you proceed to stare at for the duration of the next song, while making a mental note to bring this up in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner as revenge for your sister being a tattletale while growing up.

C. Sigh in boredom as you've "been there done that."

6. Your idea of "adventurous" is....

A. Doggy Style

B. A midget

C. A Doberman

7. Your girlfriend decides to surprise you for Valentine's Day by bringing her friend along for a menage a trois. Your reaction is...

A. Embarrassment at having to perform for two women

B. Excitement at having to perform for two women

C. to nudge your girlfriend's mom over in the bed to make room for the two of them.

8. You find people who flash others while dressed in trench coats to be:

A. Dangerous and disgusting members of society who should be incarcerated

B. Role models for sexual freedom and lack of inhibition

C. Unimaginative bores who need to find more interesting ways to get their rocks off like auto-erotic asphyxiation.

9. While growing up, if you had a question about sex, you would.....

A. try to read about the answer in some dry medical periodical.

B. Openly ask your parents using uninhibited slang terminology

C. Experiment on mom while she was sleeping

10. To you, the term "pervert" means...

A. From the Latin Pervare, meaning "out of the norm"

B. I've been caught peeping in the neighbor's windows again.

C. I can't look it up with someone sitting on my face

Give yourself 1 point for every "A" answer. 2 points for every "B" answer. 3 points for every "C" answer.

10-16 points- Mr. Missionary position. Your lack of imagination and perversity puts us to sleep just thinking about your gyrations....or lack thereof.

17-24 points- Congrats! While a whip, chain, or strap on is not out of the question, at least the sheep are safe. Except for maybe that cute one with the blue eyes....

25-30 points- 655-1000. That's my phone number. Call me. I need tips.

Irving; A tale of the One Hundred and Forty Second Fastest Gun in the West

Due to a series of unfortunate incidents far too embarassing to relate here, Irving rode into town on the back of a limping cow. It had taken him the better part of a day just to travel the five miles from Lexing's camp, but he had accomplished it. However, it was truly amazing how one could get saddle sore without ever using a saddle.

He dismounted with a flourish, trying to win back some dignity, and actually accomplished the feat with some degree of grace. But, alas, no one was watching.

Irving sighed, ran his hands over the ivory handle of Colt, and began his bow legged saunter in the direction of Mitzy's saloon. Ole Mitzy Barton had been a showgirl of some renown back in her hay day. It was said that President Zachary Taylor had once come to see her show and had actually made a pass at her. Then his wife, Hillary Rodham Taylor, had found out about it and spirited him out of town and back to the white house before he got an urge to see the Gennifer Flowers pottery show. Good old Mitzy. She could spin a yarn or two.

Irving pushed through the swinging doors and was instantly greeted by the familiar sight of old Dinny Claymore pulling the peel off of a yellow oblong fruit.

"Now that's a bonanza!" Irving stated, pointing at the fruit.

"For the sixtieth time, Irving, it's a dead blamed banana. Ta ain't no 'z' anywhere in the name!" Dinny scowled at him.

"I know that you old codger!" Irving replied laughing and making a mental note about the 'z'. "Where's Mitzy?"

"She's a hidin' upstairs. Seems there's a rumor that the rifleman is comin' ta town this afternoon and she don't want no part of it."

"The rifleman eh? He a bad character?"

"You don't mess with the rifleman, Irving. He's killed more people than Mitzy's liver and onions."

"Well what's he comin' to Ford Taurus City for? Cain't be nothin' here fer him."

"Well...his sister's marryin Jeb Watley, and the rifleman aims to stop it."

"What the Sam Hell for? Watley's a do gooder and an apple shiner. Who wouldn't want him in their family?"
"That's just it, Irving. The last apple he polished, he gave to his father in law to be. The rifleman's dad. It had a worm in it. Now the rifleman has sworn vengeance against Watley and promised to stop this wedding."

"Well Ima gonna stop HIM. Somebody's gotta protect the do gooders in this town!"

"You're gonna get your fool head blown off, Irving. You can't stand up to the rifleman when he's meaner, tougher, and uglier than you. That's right. He's even uglier than YOU."

"So? That's how the west was won! People standin' up for each other and such!"

Dinny sighed. "Irving, the west ain't been won yet! For the love of God, what goes on in that melon of yours anyway?"

Irving shot what was supposed to be a menacing glance at Dinny, but it came out looking constipated. "Dinny Claymore, you just remember that Alamo down there in Louisiana! The west was won right there!"

Dinny was preparing to educate Irving yet again when the saloon doors burst open, admitting a disheveled Jeb Watley."He's here! The rifleman is here! He's a comin' down main street!"

"Don't you fret now, Jeb," Irving said. "I'll take care of this varmint and defend your honor."

"But Irving! Everyone knows you're the one hundred forty second fastest gun in the west!! How are you gonna take him?"

"He's the rifleman right? How long do you think it would take to draw a dead blamed rifle from a holster, Jeb? You think I can't take him?"

Jeb blinked at him. He was torn between trying to save Irving's life or using him as a distraction while he rode out of town. After some debate he chose the former.

"Irving. When have you ever seen someone holster a rifle in their pants? He's already got it drawn you nimwit."

Just then came a roar from outside.

"I'M LOOKING FOR JEBEDIAH WATLEY!" The Rifleman yelled.

Irving, still contemplating Jeb's words, acted more on instinct than on common sense. He got to his feet, put his hand on his ivory holster and strolled out the saloon doors. Right away, he saw him. Decked in a serape and crookedly wearing a sombrero, the rifleman stood in the street casting his gaze up and down the building fronts.

"You'll have to get by me first," Irving squeeked in his best tough guy voice.The rifleman looked him over.

"Irving Pumpernickel? You gotta be foolin' right?"

"So you've heard of me? Pretty impressive considering what a big valley this is. Well...are you gonna ride back where you came from, or are we gonna get to fightin?"

The rifleman threw his head back and laughed. Irving's gaze darkened, and his tunnel vision, such as it was, narrowed in on the rifleman. He gripped the ivory handle of the colt and yanked upward out of the holster. It was one of the more awkward moments in gunslinger history. A piece of Irving's leather holster had looped itself around the Colt's hammer and when he pulled the gun out, unknown to Irving, the hammer cocked itself back. Now on hair trigger, the gun, having been yanked too fast from the holster, rose high so that it was aiming a good six feet above the rifleman. In his over excited state, Irving never took aim. He just bumped the trigger and the Colt bucked in his hand.

Somewhere across the street, a window shattered.

Somewhere else, a cow mooed.

And the rifleman laughed even harder.

"Tarnation!" Irving yelled, forgetting about his gun for a second and grabbing for his face. "I got gun smoke in my eyes!" Irving began rubbing his eyes and dancing back and forth from one foot to the other.

And the rifleman laughed even harder.

By this point, the rifle lay forgotten on the road as the rifleman clutched his belly and his eyes bulged from his head. He was howling uncontrollably, unable to catch his breath.

Meanwhile, Irving had dropped his colt and was splashing water in his eyes from a nearby barrel. Dinny Claymore and Jeb Watley poked their heads out of the saloon to see what was going on. They were just in time to see the rifleman fall to the earth, wheezing and clutching his chest as laughter still bubbled out of him. A wet spot began spreading on his dungarees, but the rifleman kept laughing.

And that's how he died. Hands clutching his chest, eyes bulging from below his sombrero, urine dripping from his trailworn dungarees, the rifleman's heart just stopped.

The citizens of Ford Taurus City still recognized Irving as the one hundred forty second fastest gun in the west, but when it came to rifles, no one could best him.

(The moral of the story? No matter what era she existed in, that Hillary Rodham was one heck of a ballbreaker)

Hallmark Presents: Valentine's Day Cards for Modern Times

(for "her" from him)
How does one express their love
for someone such as thee?
with smile so bright and heart so pure,
you bring out the best in me.
And though you take those hormone pills
and tuck your junk away,
You're so close to being an actual chick
that I can pretend I'm not gay.

Happy Valentine's day!

**********
(for the object of your affections)
I've stood in the shadows and watched you.
I've coveted you with my eyes.
In my mind I've pictured you begging for mercy.
I've heard your resounding cries.
Please, my dear, don't be frightened,
I'm sorry for your dead cat.
I left a bag of pig entrails
at your door as proof of that!
Just please let me caress you,
as I'm the affectionate type,
let me run my nails o'er your milk white neck,
and sink my thumbs in your windpipe.....ahem

Just be my valentine!!!.........................or else.

*******************
(Internet love)
Our late night sessions have inspired me,
to give you this valentine's card.
Though you're likely an actor
On "To Catch a Predator",
You still make my willy hard.
Just imagining that you're a 13 year old girl
is more than enough for me
to keep my "love" expanded,
and make me type one handed,
while I wallow in debauchery.

Happy Valentine's day

**********************
(For the lonely gal)
You are my companion,
on many a night,
my friend, my confidante.
You're the only one
who meets all my needs,
who provides for me all that I want.
With vigor and zest,
you greet me each night,
you're always just raring to go.
Is it any damn wonder
that I bought this card
for an 8 inch plastic dildo?

You're my valentine....always


*************************
(for that long distance valentine)
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But nothing could be less true.
For in all of this world filled with awe and with wonder,
no one could be fonder of you-
Than I.
After all, father dear, I am your heir;
a miniature version of you.
And in the 12 fricken years since you "went out for air"
I haven't heard shit from you-
bastard.

Happy valentine's day wherever you are

******************************

We here at Goldmind's Unwind would just like to say: Wherever you are, and whoever you love, may your Valentine's day be free of herpes!

State of the Blog Site Address

By Cheese

My fellow Bloggers. In the spirit of American politics, I stand before you today to address the state of this blog site and it's current writers. (who, incidentally, should be applauded for NOT being on strike) There has been a firestorm of controversy that has, shall we say, molested "Goldmind's Unwind" in recent weeks and some issues need to be tackled once and for all. Let me just say in general, that the state of this blog site is severely warped. And it's prognosis is sickly at best. In other words, it's right where we want it to be! (pause for applause)

First and foremost, I want to clear up some hurtful gossip involving myself. (It's my blog entry so I'll use ego and put myself first thank you very much!) I have received your emails regarding my posts and I am inclined to make a few responses. Foambubble36, you and your hotmail account are on the forefront of my mind. While it's true that my grasp of the English language is tenuous at best, and while it's also true that I am a vulgar degenerate, there is no way you could possibly know all those things about my mother and several illicit members of the animal kingdom. The evidence to support your claims is circumstantial at best. MarkP at Hammertoe.net, all I can say is that my alcoholism is off limits! Do I write you emails referencing your chronic masturbation syndrome? Of course not! I have taste! Diseases are not funny! And lastly dad, I received your email too. And all I can say is same to you! What ever happened to family support? You've been a real tool since your secretary gave you syphilis, you know that?

But I digress. There are other things I need to get off my chest here today, and I cannot afford to interrupt myself. For instance, the photographs of Numbsain and I in various compromising positions that were leaked to babyoil.com. Now, ladies and gentleman, I am not a heartless man, but I AM an opportunist. With the very recent passing of Heath Ledger and the insider knowledge that Brokeback Mountain 2 was in it's beginning production stages, I encouraged Numbsain to pose in some risque photographs that were to be sent as a pictorial audition for the vacant movie role! That is all! I categorically deny receiving any enjoyment from those photographs and chalk up my euphoric expression to exceptionally good acting. I cannot, however, speak for Numbsain. Or his cute dimples.

But enough about me! There is other skulduggery taking place that needs to be addressed. The mysterious absence of the site's namesake has led to widespread speculation and rampant rumormongering by blog muckrakers everywhere. Shame on you! Goldmind has been located and is very safe where he is at. Your speculation that he changed his gender and became an Albright or that he is the male Jennifer Flowers of the current Clinton campaign was way off base and demeaning. And double shame on you cheeseisreallywritingthis.com! As if making outlandish claims somehow makes up for your lack of facts! Joined the cast of Riverdance indeed! Bah! All of you are lucky that Goldmind has a penchant for kleptomania and is indisposed for the next 5-8 years due to poor legal representation, I'll tell you that! There'd be hell to pay otherwise!

And even our poor Guinness failed to escape the gossip mill. The new Heidi Fliess? Are you kidding me? Guinness is a saint! A darling! She's so pure that she wore white before and after her Hustler photo shoot! None of you are fit to shine her knee high leather boot! To feel the lash of her cat o' nine tails!

Time to wind down. My blood pressure is now at it's boiling point. It has not escaped me that I have somewhat gotten away from the state of the actual blog site itself, but the firestorm of controversy simply had to be addressed.

As to the site itself, it is consistent. Economically it is as broke as ever with no plan in place to rectify that. Socially, we are inept, confused, isolationists who go home after another awkward day at work and torture whoever we have tied up in our cellar. Educationally, the site is lacking in anything but rudimentary cunning and poo poo jokes. In terms of foreign policy, the site is in English so it his highly discriminatory towards all foreigners. And on the controversial topic of immigration, we here at the site have vowed to outsource at least 30% of our jokes to illegal immigrants in an effort to thwart government attempts to stop the employment of illegals.

Por que el pollo cruzo el camino?

Para conseguir al otro lado.

So my fellow bloggers. As we look ahead on the coming year, Goldmind's Unwind hopes to continue providing you the same low brow, irresponsible, sick minded humor laced with vulgarity that we've always given. It is this level of perseverance that has inspired you to hate us so and slander our collective reputations at every given opportunity. And for this we sincerely thank you.

El Cheesemo.

A Tribute to our Wayward Leader

At left: Goldmind, founder of this site and daily inspiration, set out on an innocent trip to Disneyland about a month ago and has not been heard from since. It is feared by this writer that Goldmind's patented daisy duke ensemble may have led to his downfall in some "Blue Oyster Cult" bar on the left coast. Please come back to us Gold! There is no lead in our pencils
without you!

You're the Inspiration

(cue the music)

Goldmind....I wanted you tell you how I feel about you. I wanted you to know that my ideas are impotent without you.

So much of me is impotent without you.

And due to recent writer's block, I can only tell you how I feel in a song.

This is a ditty from "Chicago".

Goldmind....you're my Inspiration.

"You know this site was meant to be

A timeless blog to last forever

I need you here to edit me

Before I post pics of my member

You should know, the places my mind goes

while my hands are in my pants, on my knob

Where's my corn cob, baby

Got no meaning in my life

Got writer's constipation

Made references to my skin fife

and teenage fornication

Gold you gotta help me!

Before I do something crazy!

Like post compromising pics of me and a ewe!

And I know, yes I know that this a sad plea

Show's how deep my mind is in the gutter.

Now I know that I need help to keep clean

and not type words like "round ass covered in butter"

See there I go, dirty as a crack ho

twisted in the mind, blackened heart

muddied soul

The only meaning in my life

is drugs and masturbation

So without you here in my life

It's verbal menstruation

I gotta have you near me

Before I write about my pee pee

Come on save me Goldmind

Come on save me Goldmind

Yeah come on back to Numb and me

And we won't explore you anally

No one needs you more than we.....need......you"

(music still cued but fading)

Goldmind.....I hope you felt the passion in that song.

I hope you felt the need burning within me.

I hope you saw where my eroding thoughts are heading

Come back to us Gold.....

We love you....

Practicing Banal Sex; A message from your president

By George W. Bush

Ladies and gentleman, the only recreational activity out there that has been in existence since the dawn of time is fornification. That's right. I'm talking about biblical relations between members of oppositional or similar sexes. Now I know that typically discussions of this nature fall outside of the borders of presidential duties. But I wanted to talk to you because, as of late, some disturbing information has been crossing my desk here in the oval office. Which is really oblongated. But I guess the oblong office wouldn't sound very historic, would it? But I digress.

It seems there has been a trend amongst both heterosexual and homosexual couples to frequently engage in blatant overt banal sex. Now, my fellow Americans, this is not natural. Whether you believe fornification is for the purpose of procreation or just for the pleasure of whiling away a Saturday afternoon, you must agree that partaking in one another banally is not acceptable behavior. Nor is it sanitary.

The documents I've been reading report the use of such practices as a "missionary position" and "virginal inner course". This is disturbing to say the least, America. Despite what past presidential administrations have taught us, there are morals governing the act of recreational fornification. And I cannot stress to you enough the importance of abstaining from banal inner course.

We are involved in a war on terror. There is nothing that the enemy would love to see more than our moral collapse, and I need not remind you that we are already viewed dubiousiosly because of certain photos of prisoners being mistreated in our war camps. If the enemy knew that the issue of banal sex was eroding our morals like a cancer from within, they would strike at us while we are weak.

So, as your president, I must appeal to you America. Please cease the practice of banal sex. Go back to the traditional methods of fornification; man on top, woman lying docilely beneath. Or if you feel crazy, roll over. hehehe. But seriously, fornificating banally is immoral, unsanitary, and beneath the standards of America. And from what I understand, it can lead to a shortage of lubrication for those who really need it.

I'm asking for your help to make the last year of my presidency a banal free one. Let's take the inner course here and rise above the moral declines that are assailing us in every direction. Thank you.



(Editor's note: Since the submission of this publication by President Bush, it has been discovered that the documents crossing his desk were of a dubious nature. Left behind by previous president Clinton, these documents were entitled "Penthouse forum" and written by such pollsters and presidential aides as "Dick Ramrod" and "Kenna Lingus". The trends suggested by those documents are now a topic of debate. But we here at Goldmind's unwind continue to encourage an end to all banal sex. Try something kinky instead!)

Political Parody- Song 2

Goldmind's Unwind on Tour

(pictured below)

Recently, the writers at Goldmind's unwind had been asked by numerous readers and publicists to go on tour with our "act". Song Parodies, top ten lists, news flinches, holiday anecdotes, and secret pictures of Hillary Clinton nude sunbathing have headlined our tour to date. We were even able to stop for some tour photos, like the one above. Before you even ask, I'm the cute one. But I digress. In honor of the Goldmind Unwind American Tour, I, the cheese, wanted to share with you a previously unreleased hit in honor of Campaign '08.

"I Will Survive" (the voter's song)

(The democrat sings)

At first I was amazed,
I was mystified.
Kept thinking I had gone insane
Or that my eyes had lied
I’d spent so many nights
Wonderin’ who the dems would run
Which hired gun?
To get the big job done,
But what the hell?
Are they on crack?
They trucked out that scary fossil
With the hair all on her back
I’m gonna change the way I vote
I’m gonna run from Hillary
I’m gonna make a sign for Nader
And I’ll join the Green Party

But wait now whoa!
Just hold the door
Who’s this Obama?
Oh…another ramrod bore
We could be winning this election
Instead we’re gonna die
Like I’d vote for another Clinton
Or an inexperienced black guy
Oh no, not I!
I will survive!
I’ll find a candidate to love
Not a witch who fakes a cry
When she’s losing in the polls
When she’s raked over the coals
Oh yeah she lies
But I will survive (hey hey)

(and the republican sings)

It took all the strength I had
Not to fall apart
When I turned the TV on
And saw Mitt Romney’s broken heart
I spent so many nights
Wanting to comfort his hot wife
And stroke her gorgeous melons
While I sell shares of Metlife
My Wall street dream!
But now here’s Mccain!
Pining for the oval office
In his insanity again
How many times do you have to fail
Before you give up quietly?
And who’s that yuppie playing guitar?
What the hell’s a Huckabee?

Well holy Christ!
Just hold the phone!
What a lousy freak show,
all of them vying for the throne.
Just who’s the one who is responsible for this lot?
In this grand old party,
Is this the best we got?
A slow mormon?
A disturbed vet?
A banjo wielding right wing nut,
Am I making my point yet?
I”ve got all my life to wonder
Will the GOP go on
Will we survive?
Will we survive? (oh)

(and they both sing)

Sonofabitch!
What is the deal?
America’s asking itself
“Is this shit for real?”
Who is the moron who picks out these candidates?
Are they the product
Of relatives who fornicate?
Well, for one, not I!
We will survive!
If we have to move to Canada
And change our name to “Guy”
We’ve had it up to here
With the same shit every year
But we’ll survive
We will survive
We will survive……

Masochism; A New Years Tradition

Above: Yup. It's yours truly

December 31, 20-- 11:00 pm

You're at the masquerade. It's eleven PM and the new year is just 60 minutes away. In your right hand is a tumbler of good bourbon that is assisting you in forgetting the past year. In your other hand is a noisemaker and the wadded lyrics of "auld lang syne", just in case you've forgotten them. You take a drink.

On the large overhead screen, furnished for everyone's enjoyment, Dick Clark's rocking New Years' eve is plugging away with the latest teen fad/sensation undulating in the foreground. Clark himself, held upright only through the help of thin wires, visibly shoves away his thoughts of illegal teen love and tells you what a good time he and the rest of the animated corpses in the audience are having. You take another drink from your tumbler.

You have no idea who the brunette with the feather boa is, only that she is giggling at everyone and constantly rubbing against you. The merlot in her hand has been filled at least five times in the last hour forcing you to remove her from your "get lucky" list. If she's even upright at midnight, you'll eat your boxer shorts and allegations of rape do little to start a new year off correctly. Another drink.

Your tumbler is now almost empty so, being proactive, you shake your pink wig in the direction of the buxom waitress as she passes. She gives you a harried glance but acknowledges you since you've already tipped her more than 30% the value of the bourbon. Unlike the brunette, the waitress is still on your "get lucky" list. God knows why, though. By midnight she'll be drop dead exhausted and will be likely to give less response than the unconscious brunette. Besides, she doesn't seem too attracted to your costume which consists of plastic bubble gum machine tops covering your breasts. Getting lucky is beginning to seem unlikely. Visiting with the ghost of masturbation to come, you finish your tumbler.

January 1st, 20-- 12:01 AM

The ball dropped. Again. The Brunette in the feather boa dropped also. As you predicted. Dick Clark should have dropped, but the wires held, so his waxen corpse is still babbling into the overhead screen. In the room you're in, 300 people are drunkenly singing "Auld Lang Syne", sloppily kissing one another, and making farting sounds with hand held noisemakers. This is the penultimate moment. What everyone has gathered together for. It's a whole new year filled with promise and hope. The people on the overhead in times square, the people at your masquerade, the people the world over, are making as if to embrace this new year. Meet it head on. Seize it. Reap it for rewards. Which of course is why the majority of them are drunk, dressed like peacocks, and desperately molesting people they hardly know. You set down your fourth empty tumbler and hail the frazzled but still attractive waitress. Fifteen minutes ago, you gave her a twenty dollar tip, hoping for the extra attention and the fading possibility of thank you sex. At this point, though, you'll just be happy with a fifth tumbler of bourbon.

On the ground beside you, the unconscious brunette's skirt has ridden up to her waist. Your erection presses uselessly against the overlarge metal chastity belt that you're wearing as part of your costume. The last bars of "Auld Lang Syne" are coming to a close around you and your fifth tumbler of bourbon arrives on time, the twenty having accomplished it's mission. For one fleeting moment you think, this may not be such a bad year after all. Then the man behind you dressed like Madonna vomits on your mostly bare back and brings you back to reality. At least your erection is gone. You take a drink.

January 1st, 20-- 1 AM

The masquerade is winding down now. Forty percent of the revelers are unconscious or catatonic. Twenty percent are off fornicating in some darkened corner. Twenty percent are still vacantly nodding at the dulcet tones of the undead Dick Clark. And the last twenty percent are either event staff or designated drivers who are marching around and allowing themselves a moment of superiority over their less disciplined compatriots. You still sit at your table, vacantly staring at the colorful centerpiece while wondering why you do this to yourself every year. Sexual desire long since washed from your system by the bourbon, you are now using the unconscious brunette as a footstool. You emptied what was left in your wallet into the apron of the buxom waitress as a drunken heartfelt thanks for the special attention. The gumballs in your "bra" give an impotent rattle, as if unaware that the celebration has all but ended. Too drunk to walk, you remain seated and pee out the side of your "chastity belt". The new year has now been officially embraced.

Knowing what state you'd be in, you took a taxi here. The prospect of even walking to the curb and hailing another fills you with a sense of the impossible. Hell. If the floor is good enough for the brunette, it's good enough for you too. So you slide forward and fall to the ground. Right into your own urine. But the apathy of good bourbon holds and you close your eyes on this most majestic of holiday nights. You feel the warmth of the snoring brunette beside you and begin to drift off. Sometime in the wee hours of the morning, she awakens beside you. And notices that her skirt has ridden up to her thigh. And that you're wearing a pink wig, a chastity belt, and nothing else. And that you smell like urine. Which is how you wind up with the rape charge.

Happy New Year!

Bigots Are All Alike

by numbsain

Ah! Heah we go princess, Lou-weegee's Gawmay Cuizeen, eh? Eh? Ya like Eye-talian food don'tcha? Well don'tcha? Ya gotta eat, I mean look atcha, ya nuthin' but skin and bones fuh cryin' out loud. So you could eat, right? Right?

Y-e-e-s mother-r-r.

Uh-right. Eye-talian food is good. I hope it's not one o' them Mafia owned joints, Yaw fathuh would NEVUH go eat Eye-talian. "They're all mobsters," he'd say...

Oh Mom, please!...

Ooooh! Red cawpets! Classy joint eh?... Pahty of two please.

Spit out your gum, mother.

Uh-boy, lookit, ya see dat guy? Ya see Skah-face ovah theah? Mafia written awl over 'em. Oy vey.

Mother, he's a waiter.

Oh no, Scah-face is a hit man fuh the mob ahm tellin' ya. Look at his eyes... (bas-tuhd)

Oh, hello, ah'll have the... um, louey-gweeno crab-on-aro an' do you have Manischevitz? Oh, then just a house white, thank yew.

Oh... Moy... Gawd! Lookit, look at dis what just wawked in! It's Chahlie Chan an' the Dragon Lady. Lookit huh; She's prah-bly 95 yeahs old and she looks like she' s fawty. Dat's them Awri-entals, they nevah age. Oh, lookit what he's got! dat's not a suit case, oh no, Chahlie Chans got a machine gun in theah! Dat's the Chinese Mafia right theah, Ahm tellin' ya!

Mother you are really going too far this time! Now just stop it!

Oh... foyn! (sniff) so that's the way ya tawk to ya muthuh... (snuk) I know when I'm not wanted.

Mother please.

Naomi Lookit! ya see doze Pawtuh Reekins ovah theah? Lookit Pancho's got a box! and they keep lookin' at Shang-hai Chahlie ovah theah!

Mother!

And Scah-face ovah theah keeps lookin' at 'em too! ...Oh moy gawd! Didjoo see dat? Pancho just winked at Scah-face and theah both lookin' at da Chinaman! Honey, uh, I gotta go pow-duh my nose...

Hello is dis the police station? ...You gotta get some squad cars down to Luigi's right away! It's a shoot out!!! somethin' big is goin' down heah! Hurry!

I'm back! whud I miss? It's okay baby, yuh muthuh took care of it. ...Oy Gutten Himmel! Lookit Naomi! See dat tray? He's got a AK-fawty seven under theah. Its a HIT! Get unduh the table honey! Lookit Pancho an' his gang are gettin' up and wawkin ovah theah too! Theah gonna rub out Shang-Hai Chahlie right heah! Stay behind me baby!

Mom! what are you doing?!

AWRIGHT FREEZE YOU BASTUHDS!!! PUT DOWN THE TRAY!! YEAH YOU, SCAH-FACE OVAH THEAH! AND DROP DAT BOX, PANCHO!!! ONE FAWLSE MOVE AN' I'LL BLOW YA FRIKKEN HEADS AWF!

MOTHER!!! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT GUN?!?!

DROP THE GUN LADY!!!

Oh, Awffisuhs, heah's my gun. Thank Gawd you got heah just in time!

Let's go lady, put 'er in the squad car. You too miss.

Is everybody okay here? You okay Luigi? ...Oh good. By the way, thanks for catering the policeman's ball the other night. You okay Mayor Gutierrez? Oh great, The new youth center is really coming together, great work there sir. Councilman Chin, I apologize for this mess, I guess she spoiled the surprise but I hope that crazy old bat didn't completely ruin your evening sir. My partner took her down to the station so there won't be any more trouble. Well if everybody's alright, mind if I stick around and sing? ...Thanks, make a wish Councilman...

HAP-PY BIRTH-DAY TO YOU...

editor's note: nothing here is meant to be anti-semitic. Especially given the fact one of us is Jewish!

Computer Advancements Surprising the Hell out of Grownups

In the photo above, a middle-aged man is startled by the functionality of an imac computer. Here, he is viewing a real-time image of himself in "Photo Booth." Such ridiculous expressions have become increasing common and have contributed to a national decline in lockjaw fatalities.

by Goldmind

AP Reports. Computer Advancements are increasingly surprising the hell out of grown men and women, a new federal study reveals. Once the exclusive realm of post-depression era Luddites, even America's Atari generation has become aghast at the latest software/hardware developments and the number of otherwise dignified grownups holding their mouths open and wagging their tongues while uttering ridiculous phrases like "this is more real looking than space invaders" has substantially increased.  

"In my day, Intelevision was the cats pajamas," said David Lindholm, a confused gentleman in his late 60's. "My portable phone & carrying case was the shiznit back when I was listening to the Fat Boys - it wasn't even rotary dial, it made me super cool. Now, I hear they can make cell phones that weighs less than 10 pounds."

Exacerbating the crisis, a follow up study indicated that further advances could possibly occur. "Lord have mercy, it's just amazin'," said Edna Jones, an elderly woman with blue hair walking out of First Baptist Church in Hazelhurst, Georgia. "I'm glad I'm about to meet Jesus, 'cause Lord it sure is confusing." 

My Luncheon with Mr. Steven Hawking, by Dr. Numbsain Phd.

Numbsain: Wow! Mr. Hawking I can't tell you what an honor this is. I really appreciate you having lunch with me. (That's fine just roll him right up there) Oh, I mean, If that's okay with Mr. Hawking?

Steven Hawking: Gnyehh... gnyehh... nehhhueng

N.: What? Oh! Sorry, you need your little stick for the robo-voice. Here you go... open... wider.... now bite!... the-e-ere... got it? Go-o-od.

S.H.: Fine... that is fine... it is okay... I can do it... just let go please... thank you.

N.: Oh, okay, your fine, okay (oh I'll just have, like, a ham on rye, hold the cripplesPICKLES!!, cole slaw and maybe a vodka tonic, over and keep 'em comin' yeah, thank you.) Oh and what are you gonna have big guy... er, Mr. Hawking?

S.H.: I will have the same except without the vodka tonic...

N.: Ahah-ha-ha oh yeah... you don't want that! You got enough problems as it is, heh heh-heh...

S.H.: Bring me two Long Island Ice Teas, Doubles, thank you.

N.: Well uh-hawlright Steve! Ha-Ha-Ha oh! Can I call you Steve? Ha-Ha...

S.H.: No.

N.: AHAH-HAH-Huh? eh-heh... eh-heh... Have you eaten here before? Looks like the prices are astronomicalAHAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!! Astro—ha ha, cuz yer, ahah-hah (oh thank you, wow that's really small. Jeez a little stingy on the ham there eh? ...Aah! Never mind, this is the guy I'm here for, Hah hah!) Well, Mr. Hawking, Uh... Sir, How did a guy like you get to be so famous?

S.H.: Well, I first gained notoriety as one of the worlds leading physicists when I showed that any expanding universe described by general relativity must begin with a singularity and, thus, a Big Bang. My theories were confirmed when... Excuse me, but I could have sworn there were two slices of ham on my sandwich a moment ago.

N.: (Chomp chomp) Huh? ...What are you talking about dude? I never saw it! (chomp chomp choff choff) Look on the floor, maybe you dropped it.

S.H.: Down there?... I don't see it. No it is not on the floor. Now I know I had... Okay, where's my bloody cheese?!

N.: What the hell!? Now you think I took yer freakin' cheese dude?...

S.H.: Do not call me dude...

N.: Whatever, I didn't take yer got damn cheese! Look, I gotta go!

S.H.: Wait just one minute there, who's paying for lunch? come back here... (excuse me coming through)... You can't get away that easily!

N.: How the hell are ya gonna catch me, go through a wormhole?!

Waitress: Uh, Mr. Hawking are you ready for the check?

S.H.: gnyehh... gnyehh... ngehh-h...
***********************************************************

Disclaimer: Goldmind's Unwind would like to apologize to anyone who finds this offensive or disrespectful to the handicapped. The fact that we would make fun of an ALS victim makes us mentally deficient so therefor its okay because: If you can't make fun of the handicapped, what good are they? Plus, these are not the views of the blogs authors. Someone forced us to post this crap at gunpoint. Personally I find it despicable but what could I do? Oh for chrissake, lighten up, the guys famous!

Aged Adage Aptitude Test

by numbsain
Have you ever noticed how elders don't really bother to talk about things anymore? They just have those old sayings, gems of wisdom and tidbits of advice that sum up every situation. Here's a multiple choice quiz to see if you were really listening or were they casting pearls before swine.

You can't keep a good man...
a. wrapped in plastic in the freezer
b. From wearing your lingerie
c. a secret
d. down

Necessity is the mother of...
a. evil
b. Hercules
c. all battles
d. invention

You can't make a silk purse...
a. out of a monkeys scrotum
b. out of a sows ear
c. for a dead nurse
d. without breaking a few worms

Many a truth...
a. is said in jest
b. is said at gun point
c. is said with a flourish and a wink
d. is oft' uncouth

The grass is always greener...
a. if you water it
b. when you’re drunk
c. on the other side of the fence
d. in Kentucky in the spring

Father knows..
a. bourbon
b. best
c. squat
d. we hate him

You can take the kid out of the country...
a. but you can't leave him in Mexico
b. but you can't take the country out of the kid
c. but you can't launch him into space
d. But you can't keep running forever

Children should be seen...
a. and not run over
b. within the confines of a cell
c. and not heard
d. and not smelled

All work and no play makes Jack...
a. $$$RICH$$$
b. a dull boy
c. a valuable employee
d. have a midlife crisis at 25

Don't count your chickens...
a. out loud, others are trying to count too
b. before they're hatched
c. on the fingers that you're lickin'
d. feathers, it will take too long

A cat has nine...
a. lives
b. toes
c. ways to recline
d. thoughts a day

You can't teach an old dog...
a. algebra
b. to play dead, it's tempting fate
c. new tricks
d. to walk himself

It's better to have loved and lost...
a. all your teeth than date Lorena Bobbit
b. after you've brushed and flossed
c. count than to only love once
d. than never to have loved at all

The best things in life are...
a. taken
b. free
c. sex, drugs and rock and roll
d. really great

A bird in the hand..
a. is worth two in the bush
b. is usually terrified and will bite you
c. is the best way to deal with rude drivers
d. feels really weird

Time flies when you’re...
a. bored and want to see how fast they can go
b. old
c. having fun
d. going 299,792,458 meters per second

When the going gets tough...
a. the going gets rough
b. the meat gets tender
c. the tough strut their stuff
d. the tough get going

You can lead a horse to water...
a. but you can't lead a fish to hay
b. but you can't give him a bubble bath
c. by giving him clear written directions
d. but you can't make him drink

Winners never quit...
a. so don't try to beat them
b. and quitters never win
c. that's why there are so few of them left alive
d. and witters never quin

Beauty is only...
a. for women
b. until you get old, wrinkly, and saggy
c. skin deep
d. a matter of the right surgeon

Never let them see you...
a. pick your nose and wipe it under the table
b. sweat
c. naked
d. steal cash from your mom's purse

Monkey see...
a. monkey do
b. see? look at the monkey! Isn't he funny
c. all
d. you, monkey kill you

Curiosity killed the...
a. surprise
b. cat
c. lights
d. mood

A watched pot...
a. never grows old
b. head always gets caught
c. Is a happy pot
d. never boils

People who live in glass houses...
a. are exhibitionists
b. shouldn't throw stones
c. are in the clear
d. don't need windows

You can't squeeze blood out of...
a. a hamster
b. a dead hemophiliac
c. a turnip
d. kosher meat

Don't throw good money...
a. in the toilet
b. after bad
c. at beggars
d. out with the bath water

He who laughs last...
a. cries first
b. laughs best
c. is the stupidest
d. voted for Goldminds Unwind

The letter of the right answer for each is indicated to the left of the correct choice.

by numbsain