Fun with NAFTA

We all know the side effects of NAFTA can be quite unpleasant. Job loss, complete lack of customer service when dealing with overseas hot lines, vacating industries, etc. But there’s no reason we can't put an enjoyable spin on this travesty, now is there?

The following is a transcript of a "recorded for quality assurance" phone call.

Customer Service Specialist: (in heavy Indian accent) "Thank you for calling America online, my name is Elvis, how can I help you?"

Caller: (in thick Appalachian accent) "Yessir. Mah name is Bashir Ibn Fahad, and ah'm havin' nine kindsa hell gettin' connected to my deadblamed email over here."

Elvis: "I am veddy sorry to be hearing this Mr.....Fahad was it? That is most extraordinary! I am having an uncle named Rami Fahad!"

Bashir: "That's nuthin' Elvis! We done had us a singer over here named Elvis! I got all his plates an' everything!"

Elvis: "Well I must confess to you sir, that my name is not really Elvis. We are asked to pick an American name to put you more at ease."

Bashir: "Well, Elvis, that's alright. My name ain't Bashir neither, but I figgered since you was bullshittin' and all, so would I. So.... About my email over here....."

Elvis: (now in a baffled/hurt tone) "Well sir, what seems to be the problem?"

Bashir: "Well...I got this computer in front of me here, and I git to loggin on to America on line and all, but when I click on my mail box, it says "Hello Jonathan." Now my name ain't Jonathan, and these emails are definitely not mine."

Elvis: "That does sound strange indeed sir. Tell me are you using your own PC?"

Bashir: (laughing) "Can you say 'PC' again there Elvis? It's raght funny the way you say it."

Elvis: "I'm sorry, sir. How should I say it?"

Bashir: "Oh nevermind Elvis. What about these Jonathan F. Miller emails I'm starin at here? I got no use for all this mail that don't pertain to me."

Elvis: "Jonathan F. Miller? Is that not the CEO of America Online?"

Bashir: "I reckon so, Elvis old boy! He must be some fancy bigwig. Guy's got a big old roomy office, security guards and the whole shebang. You wouldn't believe who I had to sneak past to git up here."

Elvis: "Sir, I do not understand. Up where? Where exactly are you calling from?"

Bashir: "From Miller's office o'course! Hain't you been listenin' Elvis old sock? I'm trying to get on ma email from this here Miller feller's computer."

Elvis: "Sir, you can only access your email from your own PC. (another giggle from Bashir) You should not be using Mr. Miller's computer."

Bashir: "I cain't afford a PC Elvis! Ever since I lost my manufacturing job to Mumbai, I got no income at all good buddy! In fact, I came to see Mr. Miller just to let him know that a bunch of us over here decided to work for fifty cents an hour. Figgered he'd move his call center back over here and take advantage of that sweatshop shit! Know what I'm sayin? But he wasn't in today, so I figured I'd just check ma emails to see if Monster.com found me any possible openings. And now I can't get in to my email."

Elvis: (dead silence)

Bashir: "Well, seems the cat's got your tongue there, eh Pressley. So you're saying I can't access my emails on big shot Miller's PC, right?"

Elvis: "That is correct, sir."

Bashir: "I see. It's just as well. Monster probably ain't been able to do diddly shit with me anyway. But hey, Elvis. I think you fellers ought to know....one o' these emails here says your days might be numbered! Seems the Chinese are starting to open call centers, and one of em's got employees willing to work for just a cup of coffee and a pack of juji fruits a month. You guys need should think about lowering your salaries! Mr. Miller cain't keep payin' y'all 5 bucks a week! It's a sinkin' economy over here, if you ain't heard."

Elvis: (Indignantly) "Well we have a living to make too sir. We can not lower our salaries any further."

Bashir: "Ayuh. I understand. Well maybe you could hook up with a French company or somethin'. They'll pay extra for any service that pisses off Americans. Take care there Blue Hawaii! I'll catch you on the flip side!"

(click)

Okay, I admit it. I am Bashir Ibn Fahad and as for Jonathan Miller, Andrea Jung, and all the other CEOs who sell out their employees, in the spirit of saving a few bucks which they NEVER pass on to the consumer, may you experience irreversible crotch rot!

And goodnight to you, Elvis...wherever you are.

GOLDMIND FOUND MISSING!!!

devoted staff member searching for Goldmind

Dear Readers, It is with great consternation that we, the writers of Goldmind's Unwind, disseminate this most shuddersome news. After an exhaustive and disorganized search we have regretfully found Goldmind to be missing. The last any of us heard, he was on his way to Disneyland which only now as we write this do we realize how suspicious that sounds. Nonetheless the mortifying fact remains that Goldmind, happy-go-lucky, bright, loved by all, understood by none, pillar of society and the type of guy that would risk his own life if there was even a small chance that he could save just one dollar, is nowhere to be found.

Be assured that this is not a publicity stunt intended to boost readership. Which is not to say that you, our devoted readers are not free to check in more often to see if the mystery of his dissapearance has been solved. And by all means tell your friends, neighbors and pets about this tragic occurrence as It can only serve to expedite the safe and timely return of Gartrude Qualthbrait Goldmind to his rightful owners.



You must understand that although we seem to be making light of this situation, it is in no way a joke and any levity you may detect is simply a feeble attempt by emotionally distraught comedy writers to cope with the overwhelming concern that we feel by disguising our grief behind a thin veil of joviality which is already wearing thin as the moisture is welling up in our trousers even as we write this.

If anyone has any information as to the whereabouts of Goldmind, please, even if you're right in the middle of sex, email us so that we may breathe a sigh of relief and rest assured in the knowledge that, after he's had time to sort out whatever personal issues are more important than our peace of mind, he will be returned safely and soundly to his cage where he will not be given the opportunity to escape and run amok again. Seriously though, Goldmind, if you are out there, if you can hear us; come home, we miss you. We even made your special cake you love so much, you know the one with the chocolate horseradish icing and fish sticks with rainbow sprinkles and pork rind streusel topping. And Madam Gorgonzola is here too, we rented her by the week but its getting expensive and she's scaring the children. ...sob... sniff... sniff... SNORRRFFF! Wow, that was a really big line...