Friday, February 29, 2008

Fun with NAFTA

We all know the side effects of NAFTA can be quite unpleasant. Job loss, complete lack of customer service when dealing with overseas hot lines, vacating industries, etc. But there’s no reason we can't put an enjoyable spin on this travesty, now is there?

The following is a transcript of a "recorded for quality assurance" phone call.

Customer Service Specialist: (in heavy Indian accent) "Thank you for calling America online, my name is Elvis, how can I help you?"

Caller: (in thick Appalachian accent) "Yessir. Mah name is Bashir Ibn Fahad, and ah'm havin' nine kindsa hell gettin' connected to my deadblamed email over here."

Elvis: "I am veddy sorry to be hearing this Mr.....Fahad was it? That is most extraordinary! I am having an uncle named Rami Fahad!"

Bashir: "That's nuthin' Elvis! We done had us a singer over here named Elvis! I got all his plates an' everything!"

Elvis: "Well I must confess to you sir, that my name is not really Elvis. We are asked to pick an American name to put you more at ease."

Bashir: "Well, Elvis, that's alright. My name ain't Bashir neither, but I figgered since you was bullshittin' and all, so would I. So.... About my email over here....."

Elvis: (now in a baffled/hurt tone) "Well sir, what seems to be the problem?"

Bashir: "Well...I got this computer in front of me here, and I git to loggin on to America on line and all, but when I click on my mail box, it says "Hello Jonathan." Now my name ain't Jonathan, and these emails are definitely not mine."

Elvis: "That does sound strange indeed sir. Tell me are you using your own PC?"

Bashir: (laughing) "Can you say 'PC' again there Elvis? It's raght funny the way you say it."

Elvis: "I'm sorry, sir. How should I say it?"

Bashir: "Oh nevermind Elvis. What about these Jonathan F. Miller emails I'm starin at here? I got no use for all this mail that don't pertain to me."

Elvis: "Jonathan F. Miller? Is that not the CEO of America Online?"

Bashir: "I reckon so, Elvis old boy! He must be some fancy bigwig. Guy's got a big old roomy office, security guards and the whole shebang. You wouldn't believe who I had to sneak past to git up here."

Elvis: "Sir, I do not understand. Up where? Where exactly are you calling from?"

Bashir: "From Miller's office o'course! Hain't you been listenin' Elvis old sock? I'm trying to get on ma email from this here Miller feller's computer."

Elvis: "Sir, you can only access your email from your own PC. (another giggle from Bashir) You should not be using Mr. Miller's computer."

Bashir: "I cain't afford a PC Elvis! Ever since I lost my manufacturing job to Mumbai, I got no income at all good buddy! In fact, I came to see Mr. Miller just to let him know that a bunch of us over here decided to work for fifty cents an hour. Figgered he'd move his call center back over here and take advantage of that sweatshop shit! Know what I'm sayin? But he wasn't in today, so I figured I'd just check ma emails to see if found me any possible openings. And now I can't get in to my email."

Elvis: (dead silence)

Bashir: "Well, seems the cat's got your tongue there, eh Pressley. So you're saying I can't access my emails on big shot Miller's PC, right?"

Elvis: "That is correct, sir."

Bashir: "I see. It's just as well. Monster probably ain't been able to do diddly shit with me anyway. But hey, Elvis. I think you fellers ought to o' these emails here says your days might be numbered! Seems the Chinese are starting to open call centers, and one of em's got employees willing to work for just a cup of coffee and a pack of juji fruits a month. You guys need should think about lowering your salaries! Mr. Miller cain't keep payin' y'all 5 bucks a week! It's a sinkin' economy over here, if you ain't heard."

Elvis: (Indignantly) "Well we have a living to make too sir. We can not lower our salaries any further."

Bashir: "Ayuh. I understand. Well maybe you could hook up with a French company or somethin'. They'll pay extra for any service that pisses off Americans. Take care there Blue Hawaii! I'll catch you on the flip side!"


Okay, I admit it. I am Bashir Ibn Fahad and as for Jonathan Miller, Andrea Jung, and all the other CEOs who sell out their employees, in the spirit of saving a few bucks which they NEVER pass on to the consumer, may you experience irreversible crotch rot!

And goodnight to you, Elvis...wherever you are.

1 comment:

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