Monday, February 18, 2008

Manny & Girly... the Spam of Humans

Manny is a pair of testicles with a guy dangling from it. He saves the hair from his nose and glues it to his chest. People tell him he smells bad but he says his nose works fine. When he’s full of excuses he asks to be excused. Nothing is his fault except the fact that he has no friends. He used to do drugs, he still does, but he used to also. He never met a woman he wasn’t attracted to. He has four lazy eyes. He's having a bad face day.

Girly is a pair of lopsided boobs with a flabby ass hanging off the back. She can get guys to do anything they want to do. She wants to be a supermodel, she could be three. She never understood men but she's never been put in a position where that mattered. The best thing about her face is her make-up. Deodorant is defenseless against her. She once O.D.’ed on “the-morning-after” pill. She’s a bedwetter but only when she’s sleeping. She’s a good cook but nobody knows that because she’s an even better eater.

Manny likes sports, he reads about all of them. He knows how to talk to women, he used to just stare and drool. He hired a nude maid service to clean his place while he was out of town. He gets a new job every week. Cats and dogs love to roll in him and he eats their food. He has broad shoulders and little kid arms. He shaves recreationally. Clothes look better on the rack than they do on him.

Girly has a bathing suit for every occasion except swimming. She stuffs her bra...into her mouth. She never spends money on herself because she isn’t worth it. Ugly looks good next to her but she looks smart next to stupid. She buys a pair of edible panties for every day of the year and has one for dinner every night. She knows how to scare away rapists without wasting her mace. She told her therapist she didn’t want to bother him with her problems. She wears sexy shoes but they don’t help.

Manny does steroids to watch TV. He has an eight-track tape player in his Chevy Nova. He watches infomercials because they're educational. He buys a six-pack of beer with pennies. No one ever invites him to come over to their place and hang out. He gives people the finger when they let him cut in. He chews gum louder than he talks. His socks match in the drawer but not when he puts them on. He fantasizes about deformed chicks. He has big red zits on his back and he goes shirtless often. He’s so dyslexic he pushes the wrong direction on the elevator.

got stuck on an escalator for an hour and a half once. She bought a years supply of fresh squeezed orange juice. She doesn’t want to have sex until she starts dating. She buys houseplants and eats them. She quits smoking every night. She uses newspaper in the bathroom. Guys don’t take advantage of her no matter how easy she makes it for them. When she describes her body, she say’s she has a nice face. When she describes her face, she says she has a nice personality. When she describes her personality, she says she has a job.

tries to hit on telemarketers. He likes people who are shorter than him. He asks girls with big tits if they know what time it is. He doesn’t drink socially because he thinks it’s rude. He brags about his sperm count and bought a microscope so he could count them. He scratches himself even when he doesn’t itch. He misses the mullet. There are better looking guys than him...only. He considers himself to be average smartness. He wants to be a McDonalds cashier but he doesn't have the confidence yet.

Manny and Girly. Sad byproducts of society that should have been thrown back right from the get go. But when you think about it, they're not really so different from you and me are they... Just kidding! They're two of the best arguments for no-age-limit abortion you'll ever see. A waste of toilet paper. But we can't just shoot them, they're people, they have just as much right to live as the rest of us. So what do we do with a couple of good for nothin' sacks o' shit like Manny and Girly. Well, that's what Goldmind's Unwind is all about. We make fun of them and thus give their lives meaning and purpose. After all if you can't laugh at those less fortunate than ourselves... what the hell good are they?

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