Monday, February 4, 2008

Hollywood's Leading Men answer a stupid question by numbsain

Back in the day when I was an investigative reporter, I was given an assignment to ask Hollywood's leading men about the qualities they look for in their ideal partner. Well, I was a little naive then and my interviewee choices were not what the editor had in mind. Or maybe it was the way I worded the questions but in any event, I got fired from that job and didn't know why until years later when I ran into one of the stars I had interviewed while I was covering a street fair in San Francisco.

Q: What qualities do you look for in a woman?

Sal Mineo: Ooh, that's a toughy! Well, she'd have to share my interests and we'd have to see eye to eye so I suppose she would probably be a thesbian, but not too butch. You know, I'm no he-man so she would have to be gentle with me, strong but sensitive to my needs. But the only person I've ever known to have those qualities was my first acting coach, it just didn't work out between us (sigh). There was another woman... well it's complicated.

Q: Describe your ideal woman:

Rock Hudson: Strong, assertive, she would have to be a rugged, take charge kind of gu- guide me... well, yes some one who could help to guide me through life. Tall dark and hans— hands.... are very important to me, yes lovely hands, but someone who is also good with their hands—can fix the car if it breaks down, Ha Ha, I like to be pampered, what can I say. I think she would have to be very patient and understanding and give me my space to bond with my gentlemen friends when I need to. You know I do that sometimes. It's so important for a man to be with his own gender and I love my male friends very much. In this business you have to form strong bonds with other actors, to survive. So she'd have to understand that it's different here in Hollywood.

Q. The Girl of your Dreams?

Liberace: Oh aren't you just precious, what a cute question. Let me see if I can give you a straight answer, ha ha ha! Oh, this is delightful... Let's see, if I were to seek the girl of my dreams... It's been so long since I... In fact I don't know if I ever... well, okay, she would have to love rhinestones and music and she would be a singer herself but a contralto or even lower. I would want her to bear a son for me, a prodigal son, one whom I could raise to carry on my legacy... we would figure out the details of how to do that later, but I've always wanted a boy or two, ha ha, or three, ha ha ha or maybe a whole locker room full of young men! Who knows maybe a team you know like a sports team of some sort. Like, what's the one where they throw the ball into the little hoop and they wear those little shorts? I just love it when the ball goes in the little hoop thingy perfectly, It's so exciting and then they all run the other way... Ha Ha, it's just wonderful.

Q. What kind of a girl would you go for?

Little Richard: Well you know, I got a girl... named Daisy... she almost drives me crazy! Ahhahahaha Whoooooo! Ha ha! Got a girl named Sue too! But I told her what to do! Ha Ha Ha! Oh I slay myself Ha Ha Whoooooooooo! Hah! Okay now seriously? Listen mister, we're gonna have to discuss this in private. My dressing room in a half hour? Ha Ha Ha! Oh you would not believe the kind of women I hang around with! Whoo boy! Let me tell you something; these dames would snap you like a twig! Hahaha Lordy! Not exactly what you'd call petit, feminine little things no no no, that's not my style. Oh Lawd have mercy! Actually, there was a girl at one time in my life that I really cared for, but I wasn't ready... and she threw me down the stairs: A-whomp-bom-aloobomp-a-whomp-bam-boom! HA HA HA HA HA HA WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Good lawd is this interview over yet?

Q. What kind of gal tickles... your fancy

Paul Lynde: Well any gal tickles, and you're kinda fancy yourself. Ha Ha, Oh you're too funny, seriously, I don't think I like you anymore. Where have you been honey, I've been out for years. If I had a fancy I don't think any gals would be tickling it. But really why would you ask a queer such a question, I mean such a queer question? I can hardly keep a straight face: First of all she'd have to be good with tools... you know the kind you strap on. She'd probably be a hag because I don't want any competition around. I'm not the type to have a relationship for very long, I've always just been an old flame. I think the perfect woman for me would be just like the one that married dear old mom.

Q. What would Mrs. Perkins be like?

Anthony Perkins: I had a good relationship with my mother... Oh, you mean a wife? For me? Yes, well she'd have to be very understanding. Especially on the weekends. Not someone who was jealous or nosey because we'd never get along. I really don't want much from a woman. I have a maid and she pretty much covers it. I suppose they do look good on your arm at the Oscars and what not. But of all the leading ladies in my life, the one that really did it for me the most, the one I would really want to settle down with... hasn't come along yet.

Now, of course I realize my mistake. I should have made my interviews a lot longer! Well you live and you learn.

by numbsain

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