Friday, February 8, 2008

UNCLE REEMUS... don't get him started!

OW! You hurt me! I'm telling dad! DAD!... DADDY!...

Uncle Reemus: What's goin' on out here? Your dad's gone out. What seems to be the problem there youngun?

Jimmy: Oh, nothing Uncle Reemus.

Uncle Reemus: Whattaya mean nothin'? Are ya injured or not?

Jimmy: Well, Seth pushed me and I think he mislocated my shoulder bone.

Uncle Reemus: Lemme see that.

Jimmy: Ow, quit it Uncle Reemus, it hurts! I think its my rotator cuff.

Uncle Reemus: ROTATOR CUFF!? Don't be a damn pussy! Ya don't need yer damn rotator cuff! Lemme tell you sump'm you little piss-wiggle; my Great Grandaddy ain't had no rotator cuffs aTALL. That's right! Born without 'em. Didn't bother him none. Arms just dangled at his sides, but you wouldn't see him complaining.

Jimmy: He must have looked really weird...

Uncle Reemus:
WHAT!? Why you boney little dipstick, lemme tell you sump'm you little panty-shield; my Great Granddaddy was one of the finest human bein's that ever walked the face o' this PLANET! Just cause the good lord ain't seen fit to give 'em no rotator cuffs dun't make 'im goddamn CIRCUS FREAK! No SIR! He was a MARINE! and a damn fine Marine at that! You bet yer bottom he was. Seaman Creamans, Gunners Mate FIRST CLASS! United States Marine Corps! Ten-HUT!

Served his country for FORTY DAMN YEARS,
not a rotator cuff to speak of. Never complained a lick! And lemme tell ya, He loaded them torpedos faster'n you skid-marks can shove pop tarts down yer greedy little necks. Didn't see the light o' day for FIFTEEN some aught years at a stretch. That's right, spent the better part of 'ees adult life in chewin barnacles off the hull of a U-boat. Starin' at the same damn pin-ups, drinkin' the same damn pisswater, breathin the same damn farts day in, day out! Hell they even had to eat the same damn k-rations over an' over. And he did it all fer the love o' this great country of ours! (sob) So you lilly-livered landlubbers could live in the lap o' luxury.

It makes me SICK to think what that man endured for you prissy little petunias, gripin' about a little boo-boo on the rotator cuff! Hell, that man would-a given up his left GONAD for a sack o' butter an' a half hour with ol' bowser over there! You got yer nerve belly achin' about every little skeeter bite. Try never seeing the light o' day! Or never knowing the love of a women (sniff). Can't have no women folk on board a sea fairin' vessel. HELL NO! The broads would never hold up.
Ain't built fer it. So whattaya think the crew did to satisfy their manly urges? I'll tell ya what they did; they TOOK TURNS! He was Miss Wednesday. That's right... took on the whole damn crew. Couldn't poop for a WEEK after the first time.

But did he complain? Not even a whimper! Cause he was a MARINE damn it! Proud OF it too! That's a real man right there! Couldn't have won the damn war without him. And it was HELL down there thirty thousand fathoms below sea level! The pressure alone would make yer nuts flatter'n a tortilla. Felt like a ton o' bricks sittin' right there on yer chest. 180 pound man weighs 480 pounds at that depth! And every morning ya start the day with 400 Belly-flops on a bed-o-nails. Oh it was hell alright. 15 men started out on that mission... and only 23 survived.

So don't go complainin' to ME about yer goddamn stupid little sissy ass rotator cuff injury, ya little finger-sniffers! Now gwan, git the hell out there and play like good little sissy-giggles and leave yer uncle Reemus alone 'fore I whup the tar atta ya'! GWAN! GIT!

by numbsain

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