Lonely? Been single for a while? Tired of playing the bar hopping game? Well.....usually it's not the policy of Goldmind's unwind to offer dating advice, but since we've tried it first hand, guys, let us recommend that you.........pickapetaperson!!!!! Here's why:1. Your personal PETA person (PPP) is always ready to protest at the drop of a bloody slaughterhouse axe! This means that whoosh! Off come the clothes and whoosh! Up go the "naked for fur" signs! Gentlemen! What more could you ask for? A ready made naked date! Talk about compliant!
2. Your PPP is against EVERYTHING fur. That means she (or he if that's your flavor) will be shaved. "There". KnowwhatI"msayin?
3. Remember those expensive dates where you had to spring for "the lobster" or "the fillet Mignon" just for a 30% chance of getting those panties off? Not anymore! Your PPP will only require that you spring for "the house salad" or "the asparagus stalk"! And there's a 100% chance you'll get those panties off! Because she's not wearing any! In case of a protest!
4. By their very nature, PETA people tend to reject the natural order of things. Use this to your advantage! Introduce an entire vegetable garden into your foreplay! Marry her sister to a sheep! Have a weekly regression day where you are aloud to act apelike without repercussion! A little chaos is good for every relationship.
5. Her parents getting on your nerves? EASY solution. Slip a couple of LL Bean catalogues onto her parents' coffee table when no one is looking. Then make a big fuss over them. Your PPP will be so enraged she'll cut herself off from her family indefinitely!
6. Get caught cheating? No problem....just tell your PPP that, in the dark, you thought your mistress was a poodle. Be prepared for a tearful apology session for her overreaction from your PPP.
7. Tired of nagging or talk about "feelings" in the middle of your football game? Just tell your PPP at kickoff time that the local Walmart started introducing real fur into their winter wear. While she's gone protesting and getting arrested, enjoy your game in peace. Just rember to post bail the next time you're horny.
8. Her parents REALLY pissing you off? Take a baseball bat to them. Then immediately go tell your PPP that you saw her father kick a dog while her mom laughed. She won't even call the cops on you.
9. Growing old with your PPP is enjoyable too. If she gets Alzheimer's, you can feed her bites of hamburger hash while you smile deep in your wicked heart.
10. If you ever get really bored, photoshop a mink shawl over your PPP's favorite singer/actress. Then leave the picture lying around in an obvious place. Just sit back and watch the hysterical tears pour out as yet another great joy of her life is stripped from her.
All in all gents, you can't beat a good old fun loving PPP for a life mate. If you can get used to eating all that roughage and pooping out little raisins for the rest of your life, then you'll find no person more loyal, naive, and ridiculously open to manipulation than your PPP. Oh. And Naked too. Did I mention naked?
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