Friday, February 1, 2008

A Failed High School Health Video of the 70s

(You remember them....the sex ed tapes. Run through a projector, the image was always shaky and featured archaic terms and hideous acting that did way more to turn off hormone charged teenagers than a lobotomy ever could. Folks, as bad as those were, believe it or not, there were some that were actually rejected for being worse! Like this one!)

Syphilis and You
(living with your disability)

Cue shaky projector

Video starts with hideous musical opening as backdrop to innocuous looking couple holding hands and walking in some nameless park.

Cue Narrator

"High school life is a challenging time. Your bodies are undergoing change. Some changes you may understand. Some you may not. The choices you make are often driven by factors that you cannot control, like your hormones. Your parents and teachers work very hard to teach you how to make the right choices and avoid negative consequences, but the fact remains that teenagers are generally idiots.

So there you are. Mr. Suave. Mr. Libido. Mr. Let's Get Funky. You've heard the rumors that Peggie Weller is an easy conquest and you are suddenly ready for action. You seek her out.
Ahhhh there she is. Hi Peggy! You naughty girl. Your parents warned you. Your teachers warned you. Your baptist minister with the hungry eyes and unsightly bulge in his vestments should have warned you. Promiscuity is bad. But you didn't listen! Now your pearly gates are a little sore. And the walls on your tunnel of love are a fiery red. You're thinking you should see the doctor, but no harm in one more fling first! After all, if it feels good do it! Right Peggy? And here comes our hero Mr. Suave right now.

He shares his lunch with you. Gives you googly eyes. Gives you the test for Mr. Pfizer's class that he stole after school yesterday. Before you know it, you're in the back seat of his dad's Pinto testing out the shocks and screaming to the heavens. It isn't until the following week that your doctor tells you that you have syphilis. And it will be three months before Mr. Suave gets his own boo boo checked out and finds out the same thing. Fortunately, Mr. Suave is a lonely man and only shared his ailment with his fist and the box of innocent kleenex that hangs out on his nightstand.

So now you've been diagnosed. How do you come to terms with this life sentence? Well Peggy. Well Mr. Suave. Fortunately, we are here to help. We have assembled three couples to give you advice on how to cope. Advice based on experience. That's right, each of the individuals you are about to meet have Syphilis. And here they are now! Say hello to Bob, Steve, and Winston!

And their wives Carol, Jane, and Doris.
Tell us, guys and gals. How have you accepted Syphilis in your lives?"

Bob-(in a bad actor's "forced" voice) "When I was diagnosed with Syphilis, I was shocked! I had taken care to only have one partner my whole life, and yet here I was with VD! I didn't know-"

Carol-"Oh shut up you bag of crap. I know for a fact I only had one partner and I'll be damned if you hang all this on me. I only regret that my choice of partner was you! Marry me he said. We have no choice he said. We can't give each other Syphilis again he said. I've been cleaning the skidmarks out of that man's shorts for 11 years now! I-"

Winston-"Only one partner! Only one partner! How the hell do you think I got the Syph? That was you under the bleachers that night Carol Schmidt whether you want to own up to it or not! Damn it! Why didn't I stop at the fifth Michelob? I could be leading a VD free life with Doris here."

Doris- "You son of a bitch! You told me you got syphilis from a toilet seat! You lying sack of-"

Steve-"And you believed him? Jesus you four are hilarious. This is better than a night at the cinemas."

Carol-"Don't you act so high and mighty 'Steve'. You and 'Jane' here must have the syph too since you're in this video."

Jane- "Actually no. We were supposed to be starring as the couple in the latest High School driver's ed video, "driving with distractions", but it looks like we're in the wrong studio. This IS far more interesting though.

All six begin yelling at once in a confused babble.

Cue the Narrator

"Umm. So there you have it. Peggy. Mr. Suave. Get married to one another. Swap your syphilis back and forth since it doesn't matter at this point. And rest assured that you won't need to squabble. It's no secret that you're a slut Peggy, and Mr. Suave here was only taking advantage of that fact to his own demise.

Join us next time as we explore another difficult teenage topic. 'Heroin and you. Choosing a safe dealer.' "

Cue shaky credits scrolling far too fast to read.