Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Hallmark Presents: Valentine's Day Cards for Modern Times

(for "her" from him)
How does one express their love
for someone such as thee?
with smile so bright and heart so pure,
you bring out the best in me.
And though you take those hormone pills
and tuck your junk away,
You're so close to being an actual chick
that I can pretend I'm not gay.

Happy Valentine's day!

(for the object of your affections)
I've stood in the shadows and watched you.
I've coveted you with my eyes.
In my mind I've pictured you begging for mercy.
I've heard your resounding cries.
Please, my dear, don't be frightened,
I'm sorry for your dead cat.
I left a bag of pig entrails
at your door as proof of that!
Just please let me caress you,
as I'm the affectionate type,
let me run my nails o'er your milk white neck,
and sink my thumbs in your windpipe.....ahem

Just be my valentine!!!.........................or else.

(Internet love)
Our late night sessions have inspired me,
to give you this valentine's card.
Though you're likely an actor
On "To Catch a Predator",
You still make my willy hard.
Just imagining that you're a 13 year old girl
is more than enough for me
to keep my "love" expanded,
and make me type one handed,
while I wallow in debauchery.

Happy Valentine's day

(For the lonely gal)
You are my companion,
on many a night,
my friend, my confidante.
You're the only one
who meets all my needs,
who provides for me all that I want.
With vigor and zest,
you greet me each night,
you're always just raring to go.
Is it any damn wonder
that I bought this card
for an 8 inch plastic dildo?

You're my valentine....always

(for that long distance valentine)
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder,
But nothing could be less true.
For in all of this world filled with awe and with wonder,
no one could be fonder of you-
Than I.
After all, father dear, I am your heir;
a miniature version of you.
And in the 12 fricken years since you "went out for air"
I haven't heard shit from you-

Happy valentine's day wherever you are


We here at Goldmind's Unwind would just like to say: Wherever you are, and whoever you love, may your Valentine's day be free of herpes!

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