Saturday, February 9, 2008

DATING DUMMIES... for DUMMIES: Seven steps to getting lucky

She has nothing to do with anything, but who cares!

Remember your first date? How awkward you felt? How clueless you were at getting her to respond? Knowing what you know now, wouldn't it be great to have a second chance at that first date? Ah, sweet sixteen... and you in your mid thirties... boy, that would be swell huh? Don't even think about it you pervert.

But you're still trying to master the fine art of romance. Still no luck, eh? Well, don't feel so bad; you're not alone... Don't get me wrong, we've all had hundreds of women. You're alone in that respect. But we haven't given up on you completely. Here are seven tips from the experts on how to make time with the chicks we've all had already.

1. FIRST THINGS FIRST: PROTECT YOURSELF! Before you do anything with a woman you've just met, find out if she's legal. Here are some red flags to watch out for when in a restaurant:

a. She orders a Bubble-Gum Spritzer in a sippy cup.
b. She makes her knife and fork talk to each other.
c. She orders "peanut butter and jelly" with the crusts cut off.
She hides her vegetables under the table-tent."
e. She needs a booster seat.

There are other clues as well that can be seen right off, such as:

a. She has a Hello Kitty purse and watch.
b. Her make-up has glitter in it or is made by Lipsmackers.
c. Her cell phone is a walkie-talkie and she can't dial out on it.
d. Her purse is full of candy wrappers and happy meal toys.
e. She wears really big daisy shaped sunglasses.

Other than that you can ask a few "trick" questions to "feel her out" before you "feel her up" such as "Do you have school tomorrow?" or "How late does your mom let you stay out?" or "Have you had your first period yet?"

Say she passes the age test and you've gotten all the way to 3rd base. You still can never be too careful. Ask her if she brought "protection." If she pulls a revolver out of her purse, that's a little too much protection, You may be dealing with Mafia. Check and see if her last name ends in -elli or -oni

When she arrives at your house, have it look like the computer just happens to be open to the "local sex offenders" website. If your name is "Greg Mitchell" for instance, scroll down to "M" and just leave it so she can see at a glance that your not a pervert. Another nice gesture is to start the date off at the Police Station and get the Sergeant to run you both for a complete fingerprinting. Just make sure you don't have any outstanding bench warrants though, because nothing ends a first date faster than a pair of cuffs. On the other hand (no pun intended), cuffs can be the start of a very special date, but that's the advanced course.

3. FUEL THE FIRE: WARNING—CONTENTS UNDER PRESSURE MAY EXPLODE! Now that you've gotten better acquainted, Get things rolling with a romantic dinner for two at an all you can eat buffet. Women hate it when they have to eat like a bird to impress a man. So be her dream man and let her eat like, an entire pig or at least, like, a really large bird, like a turkey or something. And remember after gorging herself, she's going to want to fart but she probably doesn't feel comfortable releasing a huge, rumbling, earth shaking, butt-bomb right in your face.

This is were you need to break the ice, or the wind in this case. The gentleman should always be the first to fart. It's so much easier for a women to relax once she knows its okay to let one rip. But make sure you spend this part of the date in a place where there's good ventilation. You never know, she may be the Newark, New Jersey toxic waste dump of dates, harboring unbearably fetid, foul, rancid stenches that bring tears to your eyes and cause your nasal passages to involuntarily cut off while you all but lose consciousness as the paint starts peeling from the walls due to the caustic corrosive gastrointestinal poison vapors emitting from her big fat cloven bum cushions. And that might put a damper on any romantic interlude that might have followed... for the next 4,000 years.

Not quite yet. First of all do you even have a move? I didn't think so. Even if you do, you've still got the whole night ahead of you. You're both stuffed to the gills now so it's time for some entertainment. The Slip-and-Slide off the back porch would be a good choice, especially if she's wearing white. Or, just grab her by the hair and spray the little heifer down with the garden hose. Once you've gotten her good and soggy, you can be a gentleman and offer to put her wet clothes in the dryer. Then just leave her out in the backyard shivering butt naked to drip dry. If that doesn't get her in the mood, just about anything imaginable will.

If you've already managed to get her wet and naked, somethings wrong. It's too easy. Obviously snooping around in her trash cans looking for clues would be a tacky and stalkerish thing to do. But it's the only way. Check for anything that's made "only for men" such as soaps, body washes, sprays or deodorants that say specifically on the labeling: "pH balanced for a man." These products are deadly to women and would cause severe imbalances in her delicate pH. If you find such products in her trash it can only mean one of two things; either she lives with a man or you're more gay than you thought.

6. FIND OUT IF SHE'S USING YOU: THINK OF YOUR REPUTATION. It's very important to determine if this complete stranger you've entrusted with your heart, sees you as just another conquest and is only using you as a plaything for her own selfish pleasure, to be discarded after she's had her way with you, never intending anything more. Because if this is the case, you've hit the jackpot! This is the perfect kind of women to date; cheap, easy sex with no strings attached.

7. YOU'RE GOOD TO GO: GERONIMO! Well Congratulations! If you've made it this far, your home free. You're probably wondering: "Now what do I do, I've never made it this far before?" Well, sir you are an average, ordinary, common, everyday, garden variety MORON! Don't blow it now you loser. She's putty in your hands, as she has been with every other guy in town. She's had the best, the biggest and the blackest. She's sloppy seconds... to the tenth power. But she's yours now, Cowboy. Better double up that Kimono, Sport, it's gonna take a lot to impress her at this point but you've seen it done plenty of times on video so don't think about it and just show her what you saw. Better just hope Mr. Wobbly keeps up his end of the bargain. You wouldn't want to be known as the only guy in town who couldn't quite seal the deal with this crash test dummy. Just remember DO NOT THINK ABOUT ALL THE FOUL VENEREAL DISEASES FESTERING IN THAT CROTCH! Or you'll never be able to do what you've waited most of your adult life to do. GOOD LUCK CHAMP!

by numbsain

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