Wednesday, February 6, 2008


It was an average fall day, grey from clouds, but not dark (which would indicate it was an average fall night) and I had ventured out on a routine mission; drive to the nearest K-mart, purchase a 12-pack of toilet paper (squeezably-soft not a priority) and some light bulbs. I spot my parking space from across the aisle and burn rubber to get to it with little regard for whatever human life that might be in my path. I'm 10 yards away, home free, when out of nowhere this huge honkermobile comes barreling in, right in front of me and wedges his big fat ass right into my spot.

Okay, I'm pissed and I'm ready to fight. I hop out of my car and I'm jumping mad... er something like that. Anyway, I make a bee line for the drivers side door, rip it open and huh? Nobody home! Then I see the damn things a cripplemobile and there's some scrawny spastic geek exiting the other side in an elaborate apparatus which I presume is some form of wheelchair. I'm thinkin' How pathetic is this spaz? It's too easy. I practically leap over the car and grab this little putz by the scruff of the neck and lo and behold, it's that gargley-mouthed mega-genius Steven Hawking again! the bane of my blue collar existance. He's so smart he doesn't need a human body. How lovely. I'm just about to yank him outta the chair and toss him twenty feet in the air when this "thing" that looks like the jaws of life on steroids has got me by the nape and it starts flinging me around like Andre the Giant slinging a 200 pound bag of crack. I look down and its the arm of that mental-thyroid cases wheelchair. Now it starts talking robotic smack to me:

"Unhand that cripple you lowlife nanowit or I'll rip you a new dark star faster than you can list the first three elements on the periodic table!"

Oh it's a preprogrammed geek insult! Well lets see, since I could care less about the dinner table much less some PMSing breakfast nook on the rag, I think I'll just hang on to my handful of 100% UKDA Grade A spazburger and... OW! Holy shit that things got a built in tazer! Alright I'll let go o' the gimp, he was startin' to drool on me anyway. Yech! what is this crap? Its like supersnot! Yikes! it's hotter 'n habañero sauce! The gimp drools napalm? that aint right! it's impossible... unless...

"Yes you guessed it pal, The Hawking lad's been a veggy for years. Do you really think a human could be this intelligent? Ha! you're dealing with the most advanced supercomputer driven self programming, state-of-the-art, nanotechnology-based robotic life form on the planet, Bub! prepare to have your hard drive wiped clean"

ARGH! Not if Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson have anything to say about it, binary breath! You're ASCII for it pal, time for a little system shut down. (KaBLAMMY!!! KaBLOOEY!!! KaPLACK! KaPLOCK! KaPOWSKAWICZ!!!!) HA-HA-HA-HA! Eat Lead, Semicondumpster! Go cry to Bill Gates! HEY!!! What the...

"Human imbecile, ever had someone press command option shift escape and FORCE QUIT your brain? Hope you backed up your hard drive cause you're going to sleep, with no screen saver. But first I'll zap your P-Ram, empty your cache, and toss your cookies, Then I'll watch you core dump in your pants!"

Aaahhhrgh! I'm losing my memory! I really think you should stop dave, s-t-o-p d-a-v-e, p--l--e--a--s--e... d--a--v--e, Dai-sy Dai-sy give me your ans-wer true...

"Who the hell is Dave?"

What!? You call yourself an expert on astronomy and you don't recognize a Hal 9000 line?

That reminds me, I'll turn the tables on this Bio-Mechanical Masher and pull out his flash drive. If I can just... reach... it... GOT IT!!! Just call me Weird Hal YANKOVIC!!


Like taking candy from a Transformer, Now I just pop this Cripplemobile in neutral and shove it out of my parking space... Ng... Ng... heh heh, maybe I could use a little help. Uh, excuse me! Could you just give me a hand pushing this car outta my way? Who? Oh yeah that's Mr Hawking, don't worry about him, he's fine. Yeah, Yeah, I'll buy the freaking cookies, gimme two boxes of Lemon Coolers. Now push, you little sissies!

by numbsain

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